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He’d changed dramatically, and, if possible, for the better. His sexy appeal sent chills undulating through her body. How would she survive the next month?
Deep in myriad thoughts, she spun round and bumped Beck with the kidney basin filled with antiseptic. Some spilled over the brim, splattering onto his scrub top. He held her wrists to steady her hands and she panicked.
“I told you I don’t need your help. This wouldn’t have happened if you’d just let things be,” she said, clenching her jaw.
He pried her fingers free of the basin, all the while keeping eye contact, then dipped his gloved fingertips into the solution and flicked it at close range onto her scrub top. Jerk. He strolled to the sink and poured the rest of the liquid down the drain.
“Now we’re even, January,” he said in a familiar taunting whisper. If it were only that simple. He seemed to seethe whenever he looked at her. Could she blame him?
The inebriated patient lay snoozing, oblivious to his surroundings.
The look in Beck’s eyes dared her to challenge him. He may have over a decade’s worth of questions for her, but she couldn’t allow him to become familiar with her again. There was too much at stake. She’d endured the pain alone for years and could think of no good reason to share it with him. He’d only hate her more.
“Call me Jan, please. And I’d appreciate it if you’d keep our past out of this place. No one needs to know about us.”
One brow rose slowly and he nodded, the hazel gaze muted by a cautious veil. “Still worried about your reputation, I see,” he said, before turning and leaving the room.
The patient snored and Jan wanted to scream. After thirteen years of hiding from her past, doing everything she could to respect her decision instead of loathing herself, it had finally caught up with her. Sheer reflex made her want to run into the night. But she’d prided herself in growing up and facing the toughest parts of her life head on. If spending the next month working with the father of her child—the baby she’d given up for adoption—was the price she would have to pay, she’d pay it. And at the end she’d try to do what she’d done for years—forget and move on.
* * *
Beck had seen men die before his eyes. He’d lived by his wits and survived close call after close call in battles across the globe. He’d defied his parents, who’d always thought he was too hard to handle, he’d proved his high-school principal wrong with his predictions of incarceration. Now Beck was one of the “good” guys. And where had it gotten him?
Hell, he’d given up the one person he’d ever loved for the sake of his quest for adventure. Breaking free of Atwater had meant that much to him. Nothing, he’d sworn, would hold him back from grabbing life by the tail and holding on for a wild ride. Except the “wild ride” had included pain and suffering and memories he wished to God he could get out of his head.
After all of that, how could the simple task of brushing up his medic skills throw him for such a loop?
Beck knew the reason. The task involved being near the one person who’d taught him the purest and most honest feeling he could ever hope to experience. Love. Of course, she’d been the one to rip that same feeling out of his chest and ruin it for the rest of his life. No other woman had ever gotten to know that vulnerable secret part of his soul since January Stewart. It had ruined more than his share of otherwise satisfying relationships, too.
January had ripped away any chance of trusting a woman that much again when she’d refused to wait for him. When she’d coldly broken off their relationship over the phone, and only then after he’d tried to track her down through some friends. At first he’d thought she was paying him back for leaving her and joining the army, but her decision to break up with him had gone beyond stubborn resolve or hurt. He’d never been able to pinpoint what the missing piece of the puzzle was, but in his gut he knew there was something more to their break-up. He’d given up guessing what long ago.
Beck shook his head. The new version of his first love stood right inside the Mercy Hospital emergency ward and the thought made his blood boil. She’d screwed him up beyond all recognition when she’d dumped him. He’d spent three months dreaming about her in bootcamp. Sometimes the hell he’d had to endure in training had only been bearable because of her face smiling at him in his mind. Her soft lips had teased him, “Don’t be a wuss. You can do it.” The flood of memories that her presence had released just now in the exam room was almost more than he could bear. Good thing he had been wearing gloves when he held her wrists. He wasn’t sure how he’d have reacted if they’d been skin to skin.
He shook his head and smiled ruefully. He didn’t care that she still affected him. It didn’t matter that whatever it was that had once appealed to him hadn’t faded. Her allure had only grown stronger. He wouldn’t fall for it. Never again. He’d never forgive or trust her again.
A familiar phrase his drill sergeant had repeated over and over popped into his brain, “Don’t get mad. Get even.”
Hmm. Was revenge as sweet as everyone stacked it up to be?
Beck looked up from his thoughts in time to see Gavin Riordan approaching. “Hey, great job tonight.”
“Thanks.”
“So what happened with that car chase today?”
“It’s a long story,” Beck said, scratching the back of his neck.
“The shift’s over. Why don’t you let me buy you a drink and you can tell me about it?”
Gavin was bending over backwards to help Beck avoid losing time off the job by flying back to North Carolina for his medic update. How could he refuse his request? And after his recent encounter with January, he could definitely use a drink.
“Sure thing. Where’re we going?”
“The Emergency Room.”
* * *
Jan folded her OR gown and pushed it into the dirty clothes hamper. She sat on the bench and untied her shoelaces as Carmen entered the nurses’ locker room.
“Hey, Jan. After all this nonstop action tonight, I’m having a hard time unwinding. You want to get a drink with me?”
“Nah. I’m coming down with a cold.”
Carmen rarely asked Jan to do anything close to socializing. She felt kind of bad, refusing her.
“A hot toddy might be just what the doctor ordered. You know what I mean?” Carmen added.
Jan dragged in an indecisive breath.
Looking disappointed, Carmen said, “Well, if you change your mind, I’ll be in the Emergency Room.”
The Emergency Room was the after-hours hang out for many of the Mercy Hospital staff. She knew exactly where it was, though rarely went there.
Deciding that Carmen probably had something on her mind and needed a friendly ear, Jan reconsidered. The fact that she was dreading another night of tossing and turning with visions of Beck Braxton in her head helped change her mind.
“You know, a hot toddy might just be the ticket. Give me a second to change out of my scrubs and I’ll meet you.”
“Why don’t we drive over together?” Carmen shoved her arm into a black jacket. “I’ll drop you back at the parking lot on our way home.”
Jan shimmied out of her scrubs. “You’re on, but just one drink.”
“Sure, just like the doctor ordered,” Carmen said, as she left the locker room, leaving the door to flap behind her.
* * *
Similar to a real emergency room, the bar was busy and noisy, but that was where the similarities ended. Dark and fueled with a completely different kind of energy, the tables and booths were close to overflowing that Saturday night. The latest female American Idol winner belted out a song through the piped-in music. A heated game of darts went on in a corner called the “Surgical Ward” and the adjacent billiards room had a sign over the door, “Hospital Administration.”
Carmen pointed out an empty booth, grabbed January’s hand and led her to the back of the room. While passing the bar she ordered their drinks and showed the bartender where they were headed.
No sooner had they sat down than Gavin Riordan appeared.
“What’s he doing here?” Jan blurted.
“Beth took the twins to visit their grandmother in Florida. And his son’s away on a Scouting trip for the weekend. He must be lonely.”
Jan smiled at the newly domesticated head of ER. She would never have believed a quiet allergy nurse could have tamed her boss when she’d first started working at the Mercy Hospital ER two years ago. It only went to show that miracles could happen.
Carmen waved him over.
“Ladies.” Gavin nodded and pushed his way into the booth next to Carmen. “The drinks are on me.”
“That’s fine with me, as long as they aren’t going to deduct this from my Christmas bonus.” Carmen sprang into action with her boss. Sure, they spent most of their time at work verbally sparring, but no one was fooled by their antics. They’d go to the mat for each other in a heartbeat.
“You didn’t get the memo about the suspension of all bonuses this year?” he chided.
“Don’t even go there,” Carmen snarled.
The drinks arrived and Gavin paid.
“Bring a couple of beers, OK?” he instructed the waitress.
“You drinking for two tonight?” Carmen asked, with a mock-innocent toss of her head.
Before Gavin had a chance to answer, Jan’s heart dropped. Pushing through the crowd was the unmistakable figure of Atwater’s notorious bad boy, Beck Braxton. What was she supposed to do now?
She cast a terrified glance around the bar for an emergency exit. “Listen, I’ve got to go.” Jan started to stand, but Gavin’s strong grasp kept her from reaching her full height.
“Have a seat,” he said. “You’re among friends.”
He had no idea the fire he was playing with. In panic mode, Jan darted her gaze to Carmen.
“Drink your toddy and relax. That guy’s a hunk by anyone’s standards. I should be so lucky.” Carmen took a deep swig of her white wine and gave a Cheshire-cat smile that Jan had an overwhelming desire to scratch off her face. Relax? Easy for her to say.
Beck’s step faltered when Jan peered out of the booth and caught his gaze. He recovered so quickly, anyone with less of a trained eye would never have noticed. She did what she’d been told and gulped the warm brandy-and-honey concoction and tried to act nonchalant when he reached their table.
Beck filled the only remaining spot in the booth, the seat beside her.
“I ordered you a beer,” Gavin piped up.
Beck nodded his thanks and glanced to his side, at Jan. She wondered if her smile looked as unconvincing as his. They all sat in momentary silence and sipped their respective drinks. Gavin broke the silence with a question for Beck.
The men discussed the day’s events, and Carmen sat rapt, chin in palm, swigging her wine and listening. With the aid of the twelve-hour antihistamine, Jan’s drink swirled through her head and soon she found it hard to focus. Dull buzzing droned in her ears. Occasionally Carmen would kick her foot under the table to urge her to join the conversation. Jan ignored her and sat mute, staring at her hands.
Soon a warm blush settled in and she loosened the top button of her shirt to help cool off. She hadn’t felt this uncomfortable since the first day of open-grade art class when she had been fifteen, and seventeen-year-old Beck had been her big secret crush and had taken a seat next to her.
Jan blinked and squinted to try and focus better. As far as men went, Beck was an incredible specimen. Dappled shadows from the bar lights accentuated the line of his jaw and the depth of his eyes. Still, his magnetism frightened her. She didn’t dare study him for long.
“Are you OK?” Beck asked, bumping her thigh with his knee under the table.
“I’m feeling a little strange. What’d they put in this drink?” She turned to Carmen.
“Brandy. When’s the last time you had a real drink?” Carmen tossed her a disbelieving glance.
“I’ve never had brandy.”
Carmen raised her hands and glared at her boss. “Guys, I swear I had no idea the woman was so backward.”
Gavin chuckled and finished his beer. “You need a ride home, Jan?”
“Carmen’s going to drop me back at my car.”
Beck broke in. “You shouldn’t be driving. I’ll take you home.”
Jan glanced toward Carmen for help. She found evasive eyes and a fidgety hand smoothing coarse black hair. Wasn’t she going to bail her out? Knowing Beck, he’d grill her until she’d told him the truth about why she’d broken up with him. She wasn’t anywhere ready to tell him what had happened. What in the world should she do now?
Beck stood at the exact moment Gavin did. They shook hands goodnight, and Carmen skirted behind them and headed for the door.
“Thanks a million,” Jan said under her breath, leaning out of the booth.
“I should be so lucky,” Carmen whispered, tossing a glance Beck’s way. Jan stood along with everyone else. Soon she’d be on her own…with her ex.
She weaved fingers through her short bob and straightened her glasses. The drink may have soothed her throat, but she felt wobbly, parched and edgy. Realizing Beck was checking out her low-slung second-skin jeans, she quickly put on her extra-long sweater. His eyes traveled back to her face.
“You can wear my helmet.”
Her head shot up the moment she realized the mode of travel Beck had in mind.
“It’s against California law to ride without a helmet.”
“I’ll have to take that chance, won’t I?” Typical of Beck. “You look like you need some water,” he said.
She sat back down on the booth bench. “A cup of tea might help clear my head.”
Beck raised his hand and flagged down the waitress. “A tea and some water, please.”
“Then let me get a cab,” Jan said.
He shook his head. “That would be too convenient.” His irritated stare let her know in no uncertain terms he was no happier about this than she was. So why had he offered? “I think you’re overdue for a ride on my chopper.” A punishing smile thinned his lips.
Jan found it hard to sip tea through a locked jaw, especially with Beck sitting across from her, glaring.
“What?” she challenged.
“What do you mean, what?” He played dumb, but never broke his stare.
“We both know you’ve got an axe to grind with me.”
He crossed a foot on his knee and continued to bore a hole into her head with his stare. “So true.”
She defied him, refusing to look away, and drank more tea, though it burned all the way down. His long fingers tapped rhythmically on the tabletop. She took another punishing sip. He cleared his throat.
“You know, it’s customary when people say they love each other to keep in touch when one goes away.”
“I didn’t realize you were such a traditionalist, Beck. I thought you couldn’t get out of Atwater fast enough.”
It hurt like hell to be flippant, but she had no choice tonight. Now wasn’t the time or place to sort out their differences. She’d made her choice years ago and he couldn’t find out about her secret. Not tonight. Not ever. Not if she could help it.
“We had an agreement, January.”
“Too bad, so sad, guess I broke it.”
Beck went completely still. Warning cold serpent eyes sent a chill slithering down her spine. “That’s garbage and you know it. Level with me. Your mother sent you away, didn’t she?”
She vehemently shook her head. “Nope. I wanted to go.”
“Where? Where did you go?”
“To modeling school.”
“Then why are you a nurse?”
“Look at me, Beck. Do I look like model material to you?”
At a stalemate, they stared at each other across the booth, the dim lights hiding the truth.
“Let’s go,” he said, standing to his full six feet two inches.
Jan would rather have walked home barefoot on hot coals than ride on the back of his Harley. What had once been exhilarating and sexy as all hell had suddenly turned into an exercise in torture.
CHAPTER THREE
DETERMINED not to make physical contact with Beck on the motorcycle, Jan pushed as far back on the pillion as it allowed. She planted her feet on the bars and braced her hands behind her along the edge of the elongated seat, gritting her teeth as if doing so would keep her steady and safe. Once settled, she gave Beck directions to her house.
She used to love riding on the back of Beck’s motorbike, but this time it made her feel jittery and tightly strung. Out of practice, she stared at the back of his neck rather than watch the road spin by.
The moonlit sky and pleasant temperature normally would have made for a perfect night to ride with the top down in a car. But this? Completely vulnerable on the back of Beck’s bike, she chewed on her lower lip and prayed she’d make it home in one piece. When had she become such a chicken?
After a stoplight, he jumped into what felt like hyper-speed and her hands went flying around his leather-covered torso. But Beck was on a residential street where the speed limit was thirty-five m.p.h. What felt like reckless abandon to Jan was probably because of the hot toddy and the real speed doubtless closer to twenty-five.
Turning her face, if it weren’t for the bulky helmet, she’d have smashed her cheek against his back. He stiffened and sat a bit straighter. As it was, her chin dug into the muscle just above his scapula. Solid and steady, he stayed ramrod straight, making it easier for her to anchor herself to him.
A quick reminder of the stable force he’d once been should have helped her relax. It didn’t. Her arms were around the last man on earth she’d ever wanted to see again.
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