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She raised her eyes to peer at him.
“What did I ever do to you?” He hadn’t intended to raise his voice, but, frankly, he’d grown weary of her attitude. “You treat me like I was awful to you, and we both know that’s not true.”
“Nothing.”
“I did nothing or you have nothing to say?”
She let her chin fall into her waiting hand. “You’re right. I’m possibly exaggerating.”
“And I repeat, why?”
“It’s complicated.”
Maybe so. Though, in Nate’s opinion, she was using complicated as an excuse to avoid a serious discussion.
“Are you afraid of me?” he asked, his tone softer than before.
“Of course not!”
“Are you afraid of your feelings for me?”
She drew back, blinking. “I don’t have feelings for you anymore.”
He’d argue differently. The more he considered it, the more inclined he was to believe she wanted him gone because, like him, she wasn’t over their romance. Having him close stirred too many emotions, ones she’d prefer to suppress or ignore.
“Then why do you want me gone?”
“You have a way of distracting me,” she finally admitted. “I need to stay focused if I’m going to help Sam qualify for Nationals and get my new school off the ground.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere.”
She made a face. “Don’t flatter yourself.”
He chose to quit while he was ahead. Ronnie had never responded well to pushing. She either clammed up, pushed back or ran away. This situation called for a different approach. One executed with finesse. Which would require him to do some explaining.
“This job is a good one for me, Ronnie, and not only because of the money. I need something to help me get back on my feet, even if it is only temporary.”
“I don’t understand. Back on your feet implies you’ve been struggling.”
He signaled the waitress and requested two soft drinks. When Ronnie didn’t object, he assumed she was willing to listen and let himself relax.
“My injury didn’t force me to quit competing. I lied to Hugh and Jessica.”
“Then what did?”
“To borrow your excuse, it’s complicated.”
She didn’t smile.
“Telling people I dropped out due to an injury is easier than saying I lost the drive.”
“No way. You were a world champion multiple times and in multiple events. With enough drive for ten people. You can’t just lose that.”
“Actually, you can. Pretty easily. And not only did I lose my drive to compete, I lost my drive to do much of anything else.”
She shook her head, her expression skeptical.
“What started with you dumping me and my falling out with my mother continued with my injury a month later.” He took his time. Very few people knew all that Nate had been through. If he had a choice, no one would. “While I was home recovering from surgery, my best friend, Logan, moved to Galveston. On top of that, he picked the anniversary of Allan’s death to deliver the news.”
“I’m sorry.”
He didn’t acknowledge her apology, not quite ready to let her off the hook.
“Between losing you, my knee, not getting along with Mom, Logan moving, missing Allan, it was more than I could handle. Even after my knee healed, I stayed home. Quit competing. Avoided well-intentioned friends and family. Ignored phone calls, including the important ones. Slept a lot.”
“You were depressed.”
“That’s too unmanly a term for a big, macho guy like me.” He managed a half smile. “I prefer to say my spirits were low. After six months, my doctor recommended I get some therapy.”
“Did you?”
“Naw. I loaded up Breeze and hit the road. My own personal brand of therapy.”
“What happened to your sponsors?”
“Another unfortunate consequence. My agent sorted out the legalities. Ultimately, I wound up reimbursing the advances and paying the penalties for breach of contract.”
Her brows rose. “That must have been expensive.”
“A little.” Nate had gone broke and had yet to recover. “Before I left, I sold off everything I didn’t absolutely need.” The one exception was the engagement ring he’d bought for Ronnie. For reasons he couldn’t explain, he kept that tucked away in a drawer.
“And you’ve been traveling ever since?” Concern tinged her voice. For him?
“Mostly.” He sat up straighter when the waitress brought their sodas and waited until she left to continue. “Allan always encouraged me to take chances. Said life’s too short to live it on the sidelines. I applied that philosophy to rodeoing with pretty impressive results. Figured the same would hold true with my new lifestyle.”
“I’m guessing you were wrong.”
He took a swig of his soda. “I convinced myself all I needed was plenty of open highway, the occasional small town and a variety of scenery. I found odd jobs when I needed gas or food or pellets for Breeze, relaxed and enjoyed the sights when I didn’t. Along the way, I met some nice people, made new friends and checked off as many bucket list items as possible.”
“Did your spirits eventually lift?”
He couldn’t tell if she was teasing him or not. “What’s the old saying? A doctor who diagnoses himself has a fool for a patient?”
“I thought it was the attorney who represents himself has a fool for a client.”
“Either way, I wasn’t so much taking chances as escaping my problems. Only by then I was on a fast downward spiral and unable to stop. Not that I tried very hard.” He pushed his cowboy hat back and rubbed his forehead. “I guess I needed the right incentive. Coming here, seeing what I’ve become though your eyes, comparing myself to Hugh—who started with less than me—I’ve had a rather rude awakening.”
“I don’t understand, Nate. You’re not at all the person I knew. You excelled at rodeoing. You were, and still should be, on top of the world.”
“That’s the last place I want to be. It’s cold and lonely up there. Hell, it’s cold and lonely at the bottom.”
“Is that how you felt when we were together?”
“Sometimes.”
She stiffened.
“You held back, Ronnie, only trusting me with part of your heart. Which was too damn bad. I thought we had a chance for a future.”
“We were young.”
“That’s not the reason.”
Her features abruptly fell, and she averted her glance.
He reached across the table for her hand. She let him hold it, though she didn’t return the gentle squeeze of his fingers. After a moment of silence, any hope he had that she’d open up and talk to him vanished.
“I’ll try to stay out of your hair as much as possible,” he said. “We’ll only cross paths during Sam’s lessons and competitions. When it comes to working together, I think we can both be civil.”
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