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It explained why Matt had always felt a distance between himself and Cedric, always felt a nagging sense of not being wanted, not really having a place, not having a home—
He looked at Bella. Orphaned. Alone. With a guy who didn’t even know how to get her to stop crying, let alone how to feed her. She could have heard the conversation he’d had with Jimmy about not wanting kids. Not being daddy material. And though he knew that on a logical level she didn’t understand a word they’d said, on an emotional level, she’d recorded it all.
Did she feel unwanted?
He pressed his lips together and closed his eyes. His chest shivered with regret. Then he popped his eyes open again, caught Bella beneath the arms and lifted her so they were eye to eye.
“I am sorry for everything that has happened to you in the past few days.” His eyes squeezed shut again, as his own grief over losing Ginny and Oswald swamped him. “Very sorry. I’m going to miss your mama, too. But you’re mine now. And that means something.”
He wasn’t sure what it meant. He knew—to use Jimmy’s phrasing—that he wasn’t daddy material. The best he could do for this kid might be to hire a great nanny or a team of nannies—or maybe find the best nanny on the planet and give her every cent of his money to raise this little girl. But whatever he decided, Matt Patterson didn’t abdicate responsibility or say die without a fight.
And as soon as he figured out how to fight, he would fight.
He slid out of the limo, Bella in his arms, and headed for the door into the mansion.
With his resolve in place, he noticed Bella’s crying but he reacted to it differently. Something was wrong. He had to fix it.
Unfortunately, he didn’t know how. She didn’t feel wet. She wasn’t generating any god-awful smells. So he steered clear of the diaper area. He asked about food. Mimed feeding himself. She only cried harder. He tried dancing. A couple waltzing twirls caused her to blink in confusion and quit crying for a few seconds, but when he stopped dancing she started crying.
He danced again. Around and around and around the foyer they went. Back to the den where he deposited the diaper bag, took off his jacket and rolled up the sleeves of his white shirt—all while dancing a baby around the sofa.
They danced through the empty kitchen. Up the hall. Around the dining room table. Across the sunroom. Until he felt dizzy and his legs became rubbery.
Where the hell was the adoption agency woman…Claire? Where the hell was Claire?
As if she’d heard him, the gate buzzer sounded. He raced to the com unit and hit the button. “Claire?”
“Yes. It’s me.”
Her musical voice sent sensation skipping down his spine, bringing her pretty face and sensual body to mind. If she were any other person, if he’d met her any other way, he would date her—
Oh, who was he kidding? He’d sleep with her. But needing her the way he did for Bella, he couldn’t even consider sleeping with her. Technically, once she began helping him with the baby, she became an employee.
A smart man didn’t hurt a woman in his employ. Especially not one he so desperately needed.
Regret tumbled through him as he pressed the com button. “I’m opening the gate now.”
He hit two more buttons and Bella patted his cheeks, as if trying to get his attention.
“What? You want to dance some more?”
She giggled.
What went through Matt’s heart was so foreign he couldn’t describe it, but it felt like tug of longing crashed into a wall of truth.
He couldn’t raise a child. For Pete’s sake! He was the Iceman on Wall Street. Unyielding. Intractable. The only thing he knew was severity. Hard truth. He didn’t have an ounce of softness in him.
Bella patted his cheek again, squealing with delight, obviously trying to get him to dance some more.
Yearning surged through him, but before he could capture it, it hit that wall of truth again. He was hard, cold. No matter how much he wanted to be the one who showed this child she was loved, that she didn’t have to be afraid, he knew he couldn’t. His family had taught him that people lied. His ex-wife had shown him that even when he wanted love he didn’t know how to accept it.
So how could he show this little girl she was loved?
He couldn’t.
After parking in front of Matt Patterson’s mansion, Claire got out of her little red car and popped her umbrella. Standing in the cold rain, staring at the residence, she suddenly understood what it meant to be a billionaire. Her entire condo building could fit into his house.
She hesitated at the sidewalk. Her heart tumbled in her chest as the reality of what she’d just agreed to hit her. For the first time in five years she was attracted to a man and she’d agreed to spend the evening in his house, helping him care for his baby.
She straightened. This fear was ridiculous. She was an adult. Back when she’d fallen for Ben she’d been a starry-eyed ingenue. She now knew how to control herself.
Plus, this situation was totally different. Matt Patterson wasn’t a professor she looked up to. In fact, she’d be teaching him. There’d be no danger that he’d sweep her off her feet by impressing her with his brilliance. When it came to baby care, Matt Patterson had no brilliance. She’d be fine.
Even before she got to the wood front door with the brass knocker, it opened. Matt stood before her, his hair oddly disheveled, his jacket removed and shirtsleeves rolled up to the elbows. It looked like there might be a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead.
“Come in. Come in,” Matt said, all but dumping Bella into her arms after she closed her umbrella and angled it by the door. “I’ve changed my mind about the nanny. I think we need to get one now.”
“Okay.” Bella on her arm, Claire slid out of her coat and walked into the foyer. A huge crystal chandelier dominated the space. Her heels clicked on the Italian marble floor. The sound echoed around them.
“I have the cards you gave me in my jacket pocket in the den.” He turned and headed down a hall.
Claire followed him.
“But it’s all so confusing.” He stopped in front of a closed door. “I’ve never even considered hiring a nanny before.” He peeked back at her. “Do I get somebody who’s old…old and cuddly…who might want to retire before Bella hits four? Or somebody who’s young and sophisticated who might not love her enough. Read her stories. That kind of stuff.”
“You’re overthinking.”
“That’s because this is very important to me.” He opened the door and led her into a neat-as-a-pin den that could double as an office given that there was an overstuffed sofa and chair in front of a big-screen TV, as well as a heavy oak desk and tall-backed chair on the far side of the room.
He went to the desk and plopped on the chair. But before Claire sat, she sniffed and frowned. “You haven’t by any chance changed her diaper in the past hour.”
“She wasn’t wet.”
Her nose wrinkled. “I think she is now. Where’s the diaper bag?”
He pointed to the overstuffed sofa where the baby’s bag leaned drunkenly against the arm, beside his jacket, which had been tossed haphazardly on the sofa back. “There.”
“Okay…so…” She peeked at him. “There wouldn’t happen to be a nursery in this house?”
He snorted. “Not hardly.”
“Okay.” She looked around again, knowing she could make do. “How about a blanket?”
He rose from his chair. “Blanket I can help you with.” He frowned. “I think. I know there’s a linen closet upstairs somewhere.”
“You get a blanket and I’ll rummage through the diaper bag for a diaper. Hopefully by the time I’m ready to change her you’ll be back with a blanket.”
He nodded once and left the room.
When she was sure he was gone, Claire waltzed Bella around the desk once. Rocking the floor with the baby, she’d discovered dancing was the only way to get her to stop crying, but it was also fun. Sort of their point of connection.
“So how’s it going with the new daddy so far?”
She screeched and Claire laughed. “You’re right. He’s green. But think of him as a diamond in the rough.”
She danced the baby over to the sofa and poked through the diaper bag until she found a diaper.
She tossed it to the sofa, then danced Bella around again. As the room spun by, she realized how cold and sterile it was and a worry flitted through her. How could a man who lived in such a formal house ever care for a baby? “There’s not even an afghan to lay you on.”
“Here we are,” Matt said, walking into the room. In his hands was a thick blue blanket.
Not wanting to be caught dancing with the baby, she turned her waltz into a step that looked something like she’d been pacing and said, “Lay it on the sofa.”
He did as instructed and Claire made short order of Bella’s diaper. But even though Matt had meandered away from the spectacle, she caught him peering over a time or two.
A light of hope lit. He might be green and his house might be cold but he was curious. “Want to learn how to do this?”
He pulled back. “No.”
“You sure? It’s not difficult.”
“My hour alone with her was enough to remind me that I don’t have the skills to care for her.”
“What are you going to do when your nanny takes a day off?”
“Get help from the maid?”
Though that made her laugh, it didn’t bode well for sweet Bella. Still, that wasn’t her business. The point of her being here this evening was to help him adjust to having a baby, but since he’d mentioned changing his mind about a nanny—thank God—she could also assist him with calling an agency that could provide someone temporary for the night. And Bella would be well cared for.
So she said nothing as she rooted through the few things in the diaper bag until she found a set of clean clothes. One of the four or five sets she’d been alternating with pajamas and washing over the four days she’d kept the baby.
“At some point, you’re going to have to go to your ex-wife’s house and get Bella some more clothes. I have several sets of pj’s and outfits for daytime in the bag, but it’s really only enough for two days. I’ve had to do laundry twice. Plus, we don’t have any of her toys. Things that might make her happy.” She glanced around. “You’ll also need her high chair and crib and walker and swing.”
“I don’t even know what half those things are.”
She rose from the sofa. “That’s okay. That’s why I’m here. To help you get set up. What do you say we call your driver and go over to Bella’s mom’s house and get her high chair and crib, more of her clothes and all of her toys?”
Matt stepped back as a sickening feeling gripped him. Go to Ginny’s, when she wasn’t there? Knowing she’d never be there again? Knowing he’d pushed her away? Reminding himself of everything he’d lost because he was cold, heartless and the one person who shouldn’t be raising her precious baby?
No. Absolutely not.
“I have a better idea. Why don’t we just order a new crib and high chair and whatever else she needs?”
Claire laughed. “Why buy new when she already has them?”
Only one of his eyebrows rose.
“Oh, I get it. You’re one of those money-is-no-object people.”
“And this is bad because…?”
“It’s not bad. It’s just that it might comfort her to have some of her own things around her.”
“If she’s been without them for four days, she’s probably forgotten them.” Guilt warred with pain as he turned to the desk. He knew Claire was right. Having her own things would comfort Bella. But he just couldn’t face going to that house. If he had to be strong for Bella, some concession had to be made for him.
“It’s been a very long day. This time yesterday, I was in London. Today I’m here…with a baby. Let me get on the phone and make a few calls and buy a high chair and a crib. Tomorrow if she still needs her things, I’ll make a run for them.”
She frowned, as if thinking, and Matt froze. He’d given his best argument. If she disagreed, if she pushed, he had no idea how he’d talk her out of going to Ginny’s. Because he couldn’t go. He absolutely couldn’t go.
Before she could say anything, Bella grabbed Claire’s pearls, wrapped them around her chubby fist and stuck her fist into her mouth.
Claire gasped. “Have you given her a bottle lately?”
“I asked, but it didn’t stop her crying so I assumed she didn’t want it.”
She groaned. “You don’t ask. You show her a bottle.” She walked over to the diaper bag, pulled out an empty bottle and kissed Bella’s shiny black hair. “Let’s go get you something to eat.”
Matt raced after her. “I don’t have anything for her to eat.”
“We’re just talking milk here.” She stopped, pivoted to face him. “Although we probably should feed her something before we give her a bottle.”
“I told you. I don’t have—”
She stopped him with a look. “Do you like oatmeal?”
He grimaced. “No.”
“Any cooked cereal at all?”
“No.”
She frowned and Matt’s heart sank. He was going to be a terrible father.
“Pudding?”
He brightened. “Yes! I love the little pudding cups. It’s a secret vice.”
“A secret vice that’s coming in handy.” She turned to walk away, but stopped again. “Where is the kitchen?”
He led the way down two halls, and after pushing through double swinging doors, they stood in his restaurant-size stainless-steel kitchen.
“Let me guess. There’s a ballroom somewhere in this house.”
“Not a ballroom,” he said, walking to the first refrigerator. “A party room.”
But he stopped and looked around, suddenly seeing what Claire saw. The house was big and beautiful, but it was also cold and intimidating. A child could get lost in here. And feel alone. He did not want Bella to feel alone. He did not want her going through what he went through.
Still, that was the whole point of getting a nanny. Though he might have to do more remodeling than just a nursery, the nanny would keep Bella busy, happy. As long as he didn’t get overwhelmed, he would work all this out.
He pulled open the refrigerator door, reached inside and came out with two little pudding cups. “Chocolate or vanilla?”
“Vanilla for now. Then one of us is going to have to go to a grocery store for real baby food.”
“Or we could call.”
“Call?”
After getting a spoon from a handy drawer, he directed her to a little table at the far end of the room. “Have a seat.”
She sat, settled Bella on her lap and took the pudding cup and spoon from his hands. Bella cooed and reached for it.
As Claire popped the lid, he headed for the desk in the other corner of the kitchen and sat in front of the computer. With a few strokes on the keyboard, he said, “Ah.”
She dipped the spoon into Bella’s pudding. “Ah?”
“I found our grocer.” He made a few clicks on his cell phone and put it to his ear. “This is Matt Patterson. I need to place an order.” He waited for his call to be transferred. When someone answered, he said, “This is Matt Patterson. I have a six-month-old baby at my home. I’ll need some baby food.” He paused, giving the clerk a chance to write down what he’d said. “And some milk.” Another pause. “For delivery. Thank you.” Then he hung up.
Sliding a spoon of pudding into Bella’s eager mouth, Claire said, “You didn’t even tell her what kind of baby food you wanted.”
“She’s paid to know. It’s an upscale store.”
Bella smacked her lips and grabbed Claire’s arm as if to direct her to give her another bite. Claire laughed. “She’s really hungry.”
“I see that.” He ambled over to the table. “Hey, kid.” He crouched so he was eye level with Bella. “You like that?”
She giggled. His first sense of relief in days flowed through him and he smiled. He might not know exactly what to do, but he did have enough money to hire people who did.
He rose. “So diaper is taken care of. Food is handled. I guess it’s time we order that crib?”
Bella screeched and slapped her chubby hands against the table. Claire quickly fed her more pudding, then she looked at him. “Yes. We should at least get a crib…and a high chair—oh, and a swing. And a baby monitor for while she’s napping. Once we go online and get item numbers—” She made a whirling motion with her hand. “Then you can call whoever it is you call for furniture and baby things and have them delivered.”
“Sounds like a plan.” A good plan. A wonderful plan. His common sense would carry him through. There was nothing to worry about.
Bella squealed happily, reinforcing his confidence, but a weird sensation tumbled through him. Sort of like he was forgetting something. But he couldn’t quite put his finger on it. Still, if it was important he would remember.
He hoped.
CHAPTER THREE
AFTER only five minutes, Bella fell asleep on Claire’s arm.
“I think we should go back to the den so we can lay her down while we look for the crib and high chair.”
“I can do all this from my phone, if you don’t mind looking at this little screen together?”
Their gazes caught. A picture popped into her brain. Them, huddled together, looking at his phone. Her heart would shiver. She’d probably get breathless. All because her hormones had a mind of their own.
“I think the computer in the den is a better idea.”
Carrying Bella, she followed him through two ornate rooms, both of which could have been formal living rooms, but at this point she was beginning to see her understanding of houses and architecture was incredibly limited.
Walking to the den, she saw more crystal chandeliers, oriental rugs, hardwood floors and art—everything from paintings to sculptures, vases and blown glass—than she’d seen in her entire lifetime.
She glanced around uneasily. “How do you live in here?”
He opened the door and they walked into the overly neat den. “How do I live where?”
“In a house that’s more like a showplace than a house.”
“Because of rooms like this,” he said, passing the sofa, leading her to the desk with the computer.
She frowned. If he considered this room to be normal, comfortable, he was in worse shape than she’d thought.
He stopped suddenly. “You wanted to lay the baby down.”
She pointed at the sofa still holding the blanket from the diaper change. “We just need another blanket to cover her.”
He nodded and headed off. She sat on the sofa, Bella sleeping on her lap. Her little pink blouse and baby jeans snuggly fit her healthy body. Her fine, dark hair peaked in little tufts. Her black lashes sat on her cheeks.
In her high school and early college daydreams, Claire had always seen herself as having her own baby by now. And a house. With a wonderful, loving husband who wouldn’t work all the time the way her father had. Somebody who’d be home for happy suppers and cozy nights with a storybook to read to their baby.
She snorted a quiet laugh. Yet another reason not to be attracted to Matt Patterson. He might be more outgoing than her quiet, quiet father, but he was cut from the same cloth. Work was his sport of choice. Money was the way he kept score. That was probably why he’d so quickly changed his mind about a nanny. Ten minutes in the car with Bella and he’d probably seen how much caring for her would interfere with his life.
Not that she was complaining. As nice as it would be for him to care for Bella himself, a clueless man needed a nanny. Still, it would be wonderful if he did get into the habit of spending a little time with Bella so she wouldn’t be as alone as Claire had been as a child.
She swallowed back the lump of sadness and regret that clogged her throat. How she’d longed for a little of her dad’s time and attention after her mother died. The lonely days and nights she’d spent flashed to her mind. Nights when she and her businessman father “shared” dinner but didn’t speak. Nights when she’d yearned to be tucked in her bed and kissed on the forehead, but never was. Pouring cold cereal for herself for breakfast. Coming home to a quiet house with a maid who didn’t like children.
Empathy for Bella rumbled through her. She hoped Matt Patterson wouldn’t be a cold, distant dad, but the odds were once he got a nanny he’d slip away. He’d only have contact with the baby when he absolutely needed to. Not because he was bad, but because he didn’t know how to be a dad.
He walked into the room, carrying the blanket. “Here you go.”
Claire laid Bella on the blanket already on the sofa. When Matt handed the second blanket to her, she opened it enough that it could easily cover the baby.
“There.”
“She’s okay there?”
“We’ll watch her from the desk. But I think she’s fine.”
“Okay.”
With Bella sleeping soundly on the sofa, Matt led Claire to the computer and took the seat in front of it. She stood looking at the screen over his shoulder.
But soon tiredness set in. She’d left the office at four. The drive to Matt’s estate had been at least an hour. They’d probably spent another hour changing Bella, feeding her, ordering her food. This on top of a full day’s work—and a night of walking the floor with a baby who missed her mom.
She eased her hip to the desk, but Matt’s gaze slid over to her rounded bottom. Tingles of awareness floated through her, along with a complication. All this time she’d thought she was just attracted to him….What if he was attracted to her, too?
He probably wasn’t, but just in case, she slid off again.
It wasn’t long before her legs pulled at her. She’d been in heels for over ten hours. She eyed his chair longingly, then her gaze caught the sturdy leather arm. Thickly padded and wide, it could accommodate her weight.
Plus, he’d really have to twist and turn to see her butt, her legs, any part of her, because she wouldn’t be beside him. She’d be slightly behind him.
Casually, carefully, she eased herself onto the chair’s arm. Her feet sighed with relief.
Then her arm brushed his soft silk shirt, she smelled the masculine scent of his shampoo and tingles of electricity shot straight to her middle.
She almost groaned.
He faced her and their gazes connected. Looking into his pretty green eyes made her breathless—but also suddenly curious. He was gorgeous, yet not taken. He had money enough to attract any woman he wanted, yet he lived alone—
Of course, his bossiness probably turned most women off.
So why wasn’t it working for her?
They found the product numbers for a crib, high chair, baby monitor and swing. She eased herself from his chair and sat on the sofa, by Bella, as he made a few calls.
Bella began to cry, so she lifted her to her lap. The baby rubbed her tired eyes, clearly feeling the effects of four sleepless nights.
When Matt hung up the phone, Claire said, “So how long until we get the crib?”
“An hour at most.”
That surprised her so much she smiled. He was quite the optimist. “Really?”
He rose and headed for the door. “Yes. Give me ten minutes to talk to Jimmy.”
“Jimmy?”
“My driver. He’ll be the one assembling everything…since I assume cribs and high chairs don’t come assembled.”
“Probably not.”
“Then give me ten minutes to bribe him into helping me.”
She laughed, but caught herself, not sure if he’d meant that as a joke. Could stiff and formal Matt Patterson know how to joke?
But Matt wasn’t back in ten minutes. In fact, he didn’t return to the den for over an hour. Bella had once again fallen asleep in Claire’s arms, so Claire put her head back and drifted off.
When Matt popped his head into the den saying, “Delivery truck is here. Jimmy and I will handle this,” she bounced up, not sure if she was more embarrassed that she’d fallen asleep or that he’d caught her.
So she didn’t immediately go out to the foyer to see what was going on. Instead, she reminded herself that she was only here a few more minutes. They’d put together the crib and lay the baby down—then she’d help him with the call to the nanny service and be gone.