Sydney Harbour Hospital: Lexi's Secret

CHAPTER TWO

LEXI got out on the medical ward floor with her heart still racing. She had to control her spiralling emotions, but how? How was she supposed to act as if nothing was wrong?

Sam was back.

The shock was still reverberating through her like a dinner gong struck too hard. Her head was aching from the tattoo beating inside her brain.

Sam was back.

She drew in a calming breath. She would have to act as if nothing was wrong. It wouldn’t do to reveal to everyone how shocked she was by his appointment. Had no one told her because they were worried how she would react or because they thought she wouldn’t even remember him? And how could she ask without drawing attention to feelings she didn’t want—shouldn’t want—to examine?

‘Hi, Lexi,’ one of the nurses called out to her. ‘I just bought my tickets for the ball. I can’t wait. You should see the mask I bought online. It’s fabulous.’

Lexi’s face felt like she was cracking half-dry paint when she smiled. ‘Great!’

The ball was the thing she was supposed to be focussed on, not Sam Bailey. It was the event of the year and she was solely responsible for it. It was no secret that some people at SHH were sceptical over whether she would be up to the task. Rumours of nepotism abounded, which made her all the more determined to prove everyone wrong. The proceeds she raised would go to the transplant unit for the purchase of a new state-of-the-art heart-lung bypass machine. Government funding was never enough. It took the hard work of her and her fundraising team to bring to the unit those extras that made all the difference for a patient’s outcome.

And her older sister Bella was one of those patients.

Lexi pushed open the door of Bella’s room, a bright smile already fixed in place. ‘Hi, Bells.’

‘Oh, hi, Lexi …’ Bella said, her voice sagging over the weight of the words.

Lexi could always tell when Bella had just finished a session with the hospital physiotherapist. She looked even more gaunt and pale than usual. Her sister’s thin, frail body lying so listlessly on the bed reminded her of a skeleton shrink-wrapped in skin. She had always found it hard to look at her older sister without feeling horribly guilty. Guilty that she was so robustly healthy, so outgoing and confident … well, on the surface anyway.

She knew it was hard for Bella to relate to her. It put a strain on their relationship that Lexi dearly wished wasn’t there but she didn’t know how to fix it. Everything Bella did was a struggle, but for Lexi no matter what activity she tried she seemed to have a natural flair for it. She had spent much of her childhood downplaying her talents in case Bella had felt left out. She’d ended the ballet lessons she’d adored because she’d sensed Bella’s frustration that she could barely walk, let alone dance. Her piano lessons had gone the same way. As soon as it had become obvious Bella hadn’t been able to keep up, Lexi had ended them. It had been easier to quit and pretend disinterest than to keep going and feel guilty all the time.

But it wasn’t just guilt Lexi felt when she was around Bella. It was dread. Gut-wrenching, sickening dread that one day Bella was not going to be around any more.

The Lockheart family had lived with that fear for twenty-six years. It was as if the looming shadow of the Grim Reaper had stepped uninvited into their family, and for years had been waiting on the fringes, popping his head in now and again when Bella had a bad attack to remind them all not to take too much for granted, patiently waiting for his chance to step up to centre stage for the final act.

Everyone knew Bella would not reach thirty without a lung transplant. The trouble was getting her healthy and stable enough to be ready for one if a donor became available.

And then there was the waiting list with all those desperately sick people hoping for the same thing: a suitable donor. It was like a weird sort of live-or-die lottery. Even being a recipient of a healthy lung meant that some poor family somewhere else would be mourning the loss of the person they loved.

Life was incredibly cruel, Lexi thought as she put on her happy face for Bella. ‘I’ve brought you a surprise.’

Bella’s sad grey eyes brightened momentarily. ‘Is it that new romantic comedy everyone is talking about?’ she asked.

Lexi glanced at the portable DVD player her sister had on her tray table. Bella was addicted to movies, soppy ones mostly. The shelves the other side of the resuscitation gear held dozens of DVDs she had watched numerous times. ‘No, it’s not out until next month,’ Lexi said. She put the designer shopping bag she’d brought on the bed beside her sister’s frail form. ‘Go on,’ she urged. ‘Open it.’

Bella opened the bag and carefully took out the tissue-wrapped package inside. Her thin fingers meticulously peeled back the designer-shop logo sticker keeping the edges together. Lexi was almost jumping up and down with impatience. If it had been her receiving a package the tissue paper would have been on the floor by now in her haste to see what was inside. But Bella took her time, which was sadly ironic really, Lexi thought, when time was one thing she had so little of.

‘What do you think?’ she asked as Bella had finally unwrapped the sexy red lacy negligee and wrap set.

Bella’s cheeks were about as red as the lacy garments. ‘Thanks, Lexi, it was very kind of you but …’

‘You need to break out a little, Bells,’ Lexi said. ‘You’re always wearing those granny flannel pyjamas. Passion-killers, that’s what they’re called. Why not live a little? Who’s going to notice in here if you wear something a little more feminine?’

Bella’s cheeks were still furnace hot. ‘I’m not comfortable in your type of clothes, Lexi. You look stunning in them. You look stunning in anything. You’d turn heads wearing a garbage bag. I’ll just look stupid.’

‘You don’t give yourself a chance to look stunning,’ Lexi said. ‘You hide behind layers of old-fashioned drab clothing like you don’t want to be noticed.’

‘Don’t you think I get enough attention as it is?’ Bella asked with a flash of her grey eyes. ‘I have people poking and prodding me all the time. It’s all right for you. You don’t have to lie in here and watch the clock go round while another day of your life passes you by. You’re out having a life.’

There was a little tense silence, all except for the squeak of a nurse’s rubber-soled shoes in the corridor outside as she walked briskly past.

Lexi felt her shoulders drop. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I just thought something bright would cheer you up.’ She began to collect the lacy items from Bella’s lap.

Bella put her hand out to stop her taking away the negligee set. ‘No, leave it,’ she said on a heavy sigh. ‘It was sweet of you. I’ll keep it for when I’m better.’

The unspoken words if I get better hung in the air for a moment.

Lexi summoned up a smile. ‘Actually, I only bought it because there was a two-for-one sale. You should see the little number I bought myself.’

‘What colour is it?’

‘Black with hot pink ribbons.’

‘Are you saving it for your wedding night?’ Bella asked.

Lexi averted her gaze. ‘I’m not sure … maybe …’

‘Have you heard from Matthew?’

‘I got an email a couple of days ago,’ Lexi said. ‘It’s hard for messages to get through. His team are building a school in a remote village in Nigeria.’

‘I think he’s amazing to be volunteering over there,’ Bella said. ‘He could have just as easily stayed at home in the family business.’

‘He’ll come back to the Brentwood business once he’s done his bit for humanity,’ Lexi said.

‘It’s nice that you’re both are so passionate about helping others,’ Bella said.

‘Yes …’ Lexi dropped her gaze again. ‘Oh, and before I forget …’ She rummaged in another bag and took out the latest editions of the fashion magazines Bella loved and spread them like a fan on the tray table. ‘You should check out page sixty-three in that one. There’s a dress design just like the one you drew last week, only yours is better, in my opinion.’

‘Thanks, Lexi,’ Bella said with a shy smile.

There was the sound of a firm authoritative tread coming down the corridor.

‘I bet that’s your doctor,’ Lexi said, rising from the end of the bed where she had perched. ‘I’d better vamoose.’

‘No, don’t go,’ Bella said, grabbing at Lexi’s hand. ‘That will be the transplant surgeon. You know how much I hate meeting people for the first time. Stay with me? Please?’

There was a cursory knock at the door and then a nurse came in, followed by a tall figure with shoulders so broad they almost filled the doorway.

Lexi felt her stomach hollow out and her heart did that hit-and-miss thing all over again. Could this really be happening to her? What twist of fate had led Sam to be her sister’s surgeon? She’d thought he’d planned to be a renal transplant surgeon. She hadn’t for a moment suspected he would be Bella’s doctor. It would be even harder to avoid him now. There would be ward rounds and consultations in his rooms, follow-ups if the surgery went ahead. Lexi was the one who mostly ferried Bella around. How was she going to deal with being confronted with the pain of her past on such a regular basis?

‘Bella,’ the nurse said cheerily. ‘This is Mr Sam Bailey, the heart-lung transplant surgeon newly arrived from the US. We’re very lucky to have someone of his calibre working for us. And lucky you, for you are his very first patient at SHH. Mr Bailey, this is Bella Lockheart.’

Sam held out his hand to Bella. ‘Hello, Bella,’ he said. ‘How are you feeling?’

Bella blushed like a schoolgirl and her voice was nothing more than a soft mumble. ‘I’m fine, thank you.’

‘And this is Lexi Lockheart,’ the nurse continued with a beaming smile as she turned to where Lexi was standing. ‘You’ll see a lot of her around the place. She’s a tireless fundraiser for SHH. If you have spare cash lying around, watch out. She’ll be on to you in a flash.’

Lexi cautiously met Sam’s gaze. How was he going to play this? As strangers meeting for the first time? Surely he wouldn’t acknowledge their previous relationship, not in a place like SHH where gossip ran as fast as the wireless broadband network, sometimes faster. His professional reputation could be compromised if people started to speculate about what had happened between them in the past.

He put out his large, capable hand, the same hand that had once cupped her cheek as he’d leant in to kiss her for the first time, the same hand that had skimmed over and held each of her breasts, the same hand that had stroked down to that secret place between her thighs and coaxed her into her first earth-shattering orgasm. Lexi slowly brought her hand to his, trying to ignore the way his warm palm sent electric zaps all the way to her armpit and back.

‘How do you do?’ he said in his deep baritone voice.

So it was strangers, then. ‘Pleased to meet you, Mr Bailey,’ she said, keeping her expression coolly polite. ‘I hope you settle in well at SHH.’

‘I’m settling in very well, thank you,’ he said, his eyes communicating with hers in a private lock that made her flesh tingle from head to foot.

She slipped her hand out of his and stepped back so he could speak to Bella. Her hand fizzed and tingled and she shoved it behind her back as she watched as he interacted with her sister with a reassuring mix of compassion and professionalism.

‘I’ve been going over your history in a lot of detail, Bella,’ he said, ‘especially your lung function over the last couple of years. I guess I don’t have to tell you that there’s been significant deterioration.’

Bella’s grey gaze looked shadowed with worry. ‘Yes, I’ve been admitted to hospital more often with chest infections and it takes longer and longer to clear things up. I’ve only just started to improve and I’ve been in here almost three weeks.’

Sam gave an understanding nod. ‘I’ve looked at your latest CT scans and lung function studies. The lungs are very scarred. That’s making them stiff, so it’s no wonder you’re struggling to breathe when you exert yourself or when you get even a minor infection.’

Bella bit her lip and dropped her gaze to the magazines on her tray table. It was a moment before she looked up at Sam. ‘Am I getting to … to the end? How much time do I have left?’

Sam gave her thin shoulder a gentle squeeze. ‘We’re getting to the stage of needing to do a lung transplant within the next couple of months. I’ve started the active search for a matching transplant donor. If we find one we need to move straight away before you get another bout of pneumonia. We could find a donor in a day, a week or a couple of months. I’m afraid that longer than that and the chances get worse of keeping you well enough to survive the surgery.’

Lexi listened with dread, feeling like a ship’s anchor had landed on the floor of her stomach. It was such a massive operation. What if it didn’t work? What if poor Bella died on the operating table or soon after? So much of it seemed up to chance: the right donor; whether Bella was well enough at the time to be the recipient; whether she would survive the long operation. So many factors were at play and no one, it seemed, had any control over any of it, least of all Bella.

Bella must have been thinking the very same thing as she said, ‘What are my chances of coming through the operation?’

Sam was nothing if not professional and knowledgeable and encouraging in his manner. ‘With modern anti-rejection therapy there’s better than an eighty-five per cent chance that you’ll survive the surgery and live a good-quality life for the next ten years. After that there’s not much data, but expectations are that anti-rejection management will continue to improve and that you could end up living a fairly normal life.’

‘You’re in good hands, Bella,’ the nurse said. ‘Mr Bailey is considered one of the world’s leading heart-lung transplant surgeons.’

Sam acknowledged the nurse’s comment with a quick on-off smile as if he was uncomfortable with praise. Perhaps he was worried about operating on someone to whom he had a connection, Lexi thought. Not that he had ever met Bella before, but he had been intimately involved with Lexi. Clinical distance was paramount in life-and-death surgery. A surgeon could not afford to let the pressure of a relationship, no matter how distant or close, interfere with his clinical judgement. She hoped her involvement with him in the past wasn’t going to complicate things for Bella.

‘I’ll keep you informed on things as we go along, Bella,’ Sam said. ‘You’ll stay in the medical ward until your health improves. If a donor becomes available and you’re healthy enough, we’ll move you across to the transplant unit. Otherwise we’ll send you home until something comes up.’

‘Thanks for everything, Mr Bailey,’ Bella said blushing again. ‘I really appreciate you taking me on.’

Sam smiled and gave Bella’s shoulder another gentle touch. ‘Hang in there, Bella. We’ll do all we can to get you through this. Just try and keep positive.’

He gave Lexi a brief impersonal nod as he left with the nurse to continue his rounds.

Lexi didn’t even realise she was holding her breath until Bella looked at her quizzically. ‘It’s not like you to be so quiet when there’s a handsome man in the room,’ she said.

Lexi felt her face heating and tried to counter it with an uppity toss of her head. ‘He’s not that handsome.’

Bella raised her brows. ‘You don’t think? I thought you had a thing for tall muscular men with dark brown eyes.’

Lexi gave a dismissive shrug. ‘His hair is too short.’

‘Maybe he keeps it short for convenience,’ Bella said. ‘He’s in Theatre a lot. Any longer and it would get sweaty under the scrub hat during long transplant operations.’

Lexi made a business of folding each sheet of the tissue paper into a neat square, lining them up side by side on the bed.

‘He’s got nice eyes, don’t you think?’ Bella said.

‘I didn’t notice.’

‘Liar, sure you did,’ Bella said. ‘I saw you blush. I’ve never seen you blush before. That’s my specialty, not yours.’

‘It’s hot in here,’ Lexi said, fanning her face for emphasis. ‘How do you stand it?’

‘Did you notice his hands?’ Bella asked.

‘Not really …’ Lexi remembered how those hands had felt on her body. How they had lit fires under her flesh until she had been burning with a need so strong it had totally consumed her. Those hands had wreaked havoc on her senses from the first moment he had touched her. She opened and closed the hand he had taken in his just minutes ago. The tingling pins and needles feeling was still there …

‘He wasn’t wearing a wedding ring,’ Bella said.

‘Doesn’t mean he’s not involved with someone,’ Lexi said, feeling a tight ache in her chest as she pictured his partner. Would she be blonde, like her, or brunette? Or maybe a redhead like Bella. Would she be a doctor or nurse? Or a teacher perhaps? A lawyer? ‘Dad’s got a new girlfriend,’ she said, to change the subject.

‘Yes, Evie told me.’

‘I haven’t met her yet.’

‘I don’t know why he bothers introducing them,’ Bella said with an air of resentment. ‘None of them stay around long enough for us to get to know them.’

‘Dad’s entitled to have a life,’ Lexi said. ‘It’s not like Mum’s ever going to come back and play happy families.’

‘You always defend him,’ Bella said irritably. ‘You never let anyone say a bad word about him.’

‘Look,’ Lexi said, hoping to avoid the well-worn bone of contention between them. ‘I know he’s not perfect but he’s the only father we have. The only parent when it comes down to it. Mum’s not much use.’

‘Maybe Mum couldn’t handle Dad’s philandering,’ Bella said. ‘Maybe it wasn’t just because I was sick. Maybe she was left on her own too much and couldn’t cope. Maybe she wouldn’t have left if he had offered her more emotional support.’

Lexi knew Bella felt terribly guilty about the breakdown of their parents’ marriage. Her illness had taken its toll on everyone, but their mother had been the first to abandon ship, taking the contents of the drinks cabinet with her. Miranda Lockheart flitted in and out of their lives, not staying long enough to offer any stability or support but just long enough to remind them of what they had missed out on.

But blaming their father was not something Lexi had ever felt comfortable doing. He had always been there for her. He was her stronghold, the person she looked up to, the person she craved approval from more than any other.

‘Dad has always tried to do his best,’ she said. ‘He was meant to be a father, not a mother. He couldn’t do both.’

Bella gave a weary sigh. ‘One day you’re going to find out that Dad has clay feet. I just hope I’m around to see it.’

Lexi shrugged and then tried another subject change. ‘Have you had any other visitors?’

‘Phone calls or texts mostly,’ Bella said with a despondent look on her face. ‘People get sick of visiting after the first week. It happens every time. Maybe it’ll be different once I’ve had the transplant …’

Guilt struck at Lexi like a closed fist. ‘I’m sorry I didn’t get in yesterday,’ she said. ‘Matthew’s mother wanted me to look at wedding-cake designs. Her sister has already made the cake. Now we just have to decide on the decoration. Matthew wants something traditional but I was thinking we could so something more along the lines of …’

Bella was frowning as she looked into space. It was as if she hadn’t heard a word of what Lexi had been saying. ‘Sam …’ she said. ‘Sam. It’s really been bugging me. Why does that name sound so familiar?’

Lexi felt her stomach drop again. ‘Sam’s a popular name.’

‘I know but it’s more than that,’ Bella said, frowning in concentration. ‘Bailey. Sam Bailey. Bailey. Sam Bailey.’

Lexi closed her eyes. Please, no.

‘Oh. My. God.’

Lexi winced as she opened her eyes to see Bella’s saucer-like ones staring at her. ‘Wh-what?’ she choked.

‘It’s him, isn’t it?’ Bella asked. ‘It’s the same Sam Bailey. The Sam Bailey you had that naughty little teenage fling with that made Dad almost blow a fuse. Oh. My. God.’

‘Will you please keep your voice down?’ Lexi hissed.

‘It’s not like you’ll be able to keep it a secret,’ Bella said. ‘Not for long and certainly not around here. People have long memories and they just love a bit of juicy gossip. You’d better let Matthew know. You don’t want him getting into a flap about an ex-lover turning up out of the blue.’

Lexi turned away to look out of the window, crossing her arms over her body as if that would contain the pain that was spreading like an ink spill through her. Was she deluded to hope no one would remember their past connection? Who else would link their names and start the gossip all over again? How would she cope with it a second time?

No one knew about the baby.

No one.

At least that secret was safe.

But everything else was out there for everyone to pick over like crows on a rotting carcass. All the intimate details of her brief relationship with Sam would be fodder, grist for the mill of gossip that SHH was renowned for. She would be painted as the Scarlet Woman, the scandalous Lolita who had lured Sam away from his studies at the most pivotal moment in his career.

‘Lexi?’

Lexi pulled in a breath and faced her sister. ‘It was five years ago,’ she said. ‘Hopefully no one will even remember what happened back then.’

Bella looked doubtful. ‘I still think you should tell Matthew.’

‘I will tell him,’ Lexi said, breaking out into a sweat. ‘I’ll tell him it was a stupid little fling that meant nothing.’

Bella chewed at her lip for a moment. ‘Is this the first time you’ve seen Sam since you broke up?’ she asked.

‘No, I ran into him in the doctors’ car park on my way to see you,’ Lexi said, raking a distracted hand through her hair. ‘That’ll teach me for breaking the rules. I won’t park there ever again. Cross my heart and—’ She stopped and gave Bella an apologetic grimace as her hand dropped back by her side. ‘Sorry, bad choice of words.’

Bella continued to look at her with a concerned frown on her face. ‘You’re not happy about seeing him again, are you?’ she said.

Lexi lifted her shoulders in a couldn’t-care-less manner. ‘It’s always a little difficult running into ex-partners. It’s part of the dating life. Once a relationship ends you don’t always end up the best of friends.’

‘Not that I would know anything about the dating life …’ Bella said as she fiddled with the edge of the sheet covering her thin little body.

Lexi sighed and reached for Bella’s small, cold hand. ‘You’re being so wonderfully brave about all this,’ she said. ‘If it was me I’d be terrified.’

‘I am terrified,’ Bella said. ‘I want what you have. I want a life. I want to one day get married and have babies.’

Lexi felt her insides clench like the snap of a rabbit trap. That aching sadness gripped her every time she thought of the baby she could have had if things had been different. It was ironic that Matthew was keen to start a family as soon as they were married. His parents were excited at the prospect of becoming grandparents. But she had come to dread the topic every time he raised it. It wasn’t the only thing she argued with him about. Her lack of interest in sex had become a huge issue over the last few months of their engagement. Matthew’s trip abroad, she suspected, were his attempts to make her heart grow fonder in his absence. She didn’t have the heart to tell him it wasn’t working. She missed him certainly, but not in the way he most wanted her to.