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‘I don’t hate you, Chaz,’ Tasha interrupted ruthlessly, conveniently ignoring her conviction for the past sixteen years that Chaz was a blot on the planet. ‘I just think you’re selfish and afraid of commitment. Are you afraid I’ll come chasing you afterwards?’
‘No, I’m not afraid of that.’ His thumb was still stroking her palm. ‘I just think you’re taking on more than you can deal with at a time when you’re pretty vulnerable.’ He raised an eyebrow in self-mockery. ‘I’ll probably hate myself for this, but I don’t think I should take advantage of what’s obviously a momentary aberration.’
Tasha stared at him blankly. If he was going to talk about momentary aberrations, when had Chaz ever turned down anyone who was willing? It must be because she was so unattractive.
‘I know I look horrible,’ she said, ‘but it’s just because I got wet. I’ll look a lot better when I’ve dried off.’
‘You look bloody marvellous,’ said Chaz, ‘but the answer is no.’
‘Is it because you think I’m no good in bed?’ asked Tasha.
Chaz gave her another rueful smile. ‘Tash, darling,’ he said, ‘I don’t think that, and I’d love to have the chance to find out, but in case you hadn’t noticed I’m being chivalrous for the first time in my life.’
Tasha lay wearily back against the sofa. Just for a minute she’d thought she could escape the leaden weight in her chest. For an hour, maybe a couple of hours, that lovely golden warmth would have spread through her body and maybe for just a little while she could have put everything out of her mind as well. But she was just stuck with it. A tear trickled down her cheek.
Chaz wiped it away with a finger. ‘I may be good, but I’m not that good,’ he said.
‘I’d love to have the chance to find out,’ Tasha said pointedly. ‘I don’t call it very chivalrous to lead me on and then back out at the last minute. I’ll bet you’d be furious if a woman did that to you and then told you it was for your own good.’
‘Touché,’ said Chaz, ‘but I still think you’d regret it.’ He smiled at her. ‘Tell you what. Pretend I’m really your cousin, pretend you don’t think to know me is to loathe me, and I’ll give you a shoulder to cry on.’
He slid one arm behind her shoulders, the other under her knees, and scooped her up onto his lap. His strong arms closed tight around her; her legs lay across his powerful thighs, she could hear his heart beating in the powerful chest. ‘Is that better?’ he asked, his breath stirring her hair.
It was and it wasn’t. The sheer physical strength and solidity of the body which held hers was a comfort, keeping at bay a little of the misery. But it made her whole body ache with a yearning which couldn’t be satisfied.
‘It’s a bit better,’ said Tasha.
‘Good,’ said Chaz.
‘But could you not hold me quite so tight?’
‘Sorry,’ said Chaz. He loosened his arms.
‘Thanks,’ said Tasha. She put her arms around his neck.
Chaz looked at her warily.
Tasha looked at the firm, sensuous mouth. ‘Do you think I’ll regret it if I kiss you?’ she asked.
An eyebrow quirked up. ‘No,’ he said wryly. ‘But I may.’
Tasha smiled. ‘You can look after yourself,’ she said, and she kissed him full on the mouth.
There was a fraction of a second in which he hesitated, probably wondering whether it was chivalrous to take advantage of her vulnerable state of mind.
Tasha had already worked out that she’d better make the most of her chances, now that it turned out Chaz had this previously unsuspected streak of chivalry in his character. She couldn’t waste time on little butterfly kisses when any minute chivalry might raise its ugly head; she devoured his mouth the way a man downs his last drink before closing time.
Chivalry went to the wall.
His arms tightened around her again; his mouth opened under hers, and he responded to the urgency of her kisses with a hungry passion which showed, she realised dimly, how much restraint he must have been showing earlier. She buried her hands in his hair, holding his head so he couldn’t move it, and raised her head so that she could look into the face of her mad, bad kissing cousin. Now her eyes devoured his face as hungrily as her mouth had devoured his mouth. When she’d kissed her boyfriends physical imperfections hadn’t seemed to matter, because she’d always thought she was kissing someone with a wonderful character. Chaz, on the other hand, was selfish and bad tempered and had countless bad qualities without a single one to redeem them—but he was so beautiful. She kissed one corner of his mouth, then the other, tucking her tongue into the crease. He smiled, so that the corner of his mouth quirked up under hers, and then he kissed the corner of her mouth, still smiling, and slid his tongue into her mouth.
Instead of the honeyed warmth she felt something hotter and sweeter, as fiery as a slug of brandy. Her misery did not melt this time from her mind—it was blasted out of it. There was nothing but the taste of his mouth, the hard muscle of his body—that, and the feeling that lava ran in her veins. She lost all sense of time. All that mattered was the scorching heat that flared up at his touch, burning away all thought—and the intoxicating awareness that she had the same effect on him. Chaz was always so mocking, so cool, so superior—but now his heart pounded next to hers, and she could hear his breath coming in ragged gasps. His hand dropped to her thigh, forcing her up against his hips so that she could feel his desire for her.
At last he raised his hands to her shoulders and held her away.
‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘This is insane. Let’s go upstairs.’
Tasha looked into his face. His hair had fallen forward over one eyebrow; his eyes were brilliant, his mouth slightly smiling. She hadn’t known it was possible to want a man so badly. But there were other passions boiling up inside her too. She had somehow been polite and civilised to Jeremy, she’d had to walk away from what she’d thought was a whole lifetime with the perfect man, someone who’d turned out not to exist. There was rage just below the surface for men who pretended they wanted something for your good, men who changed the rules as soon as they saw something they wanted. Sitting across Chaz’s lap, she could feel the tension in his body, feel the desire just barely held in check.
‘I don’t think that’s a very good idea,’ said Tasha, jumping to her feet.
‘What?’ said Chaz.
‘I think you’d hate yourself afterwards,’ Tasha explained cheerfully. Her pulse was still racing at about twice its normal speed; the look on his face at this riposte did nothing to slow it down.
‘Very funny,’ said Chaz.
‘I think you were right,’ Tasha said. ‘I’m in a very vulnerable state of mind. You’d regret it if you felt you’d taken advantage of me.’
Temper sizzled in the black eyes. The lovely, sensuous mouth tightened ominously.
‘All right,’ said Chaz. ‘You’ve made your point. Satisfied?’ He stood up, thrust his hands in his pockets, and made an effort to shrug off his irritation. ‘I admit it was patronising,’ he said. ‘But we both want the same thing, after all.’ He smiled at her, running a finger over her kiss-swollen mouth. ‘Fireworks,’ he said softly. ‘Let’s go upstairs and set some off.’
Tasha looked up at him. He was right in a way. All these years she’d despised him for being unfair to her boyfriends, for judging them by superficial standards—she was just beginning to realise that she hadn’t even understood what he was talking about. She could go upstairs and find out with a vengeance.
But there were still other passions raging inside her. It was wonderful to have Chaz standing there, furious at her but not able to stay furious because he wanted her so badly. When would she ever have a chance like this again? Whereas if she wanted to sleep with him, she thought flippantly, she could do that any time.
Chaz was still smiling. Of course, he could see the way she was looking at him, eyes lingering on the mouth she had kissed; how could he imagine she wouldn’t give in?
If she were her usual self of course she would give in. But where had being her usual self got her? She knew she was behaving badly; it felt wonderful to know she was behaving badly and do it anyway. She was going to be a bad, bad, bad, bad girl.
‘I’d just rather not,’ said Tasha, and hugged herself at the look of blank incredulity that replaced the confident smile.
‘You’re actually serious about this,’ Chaz said slowly.
‘Of course I’m serious about it,’ said Tasha.
A muscle twitched in his cheek. ‘I should take you over my knee and spank you for this,’ he said tightly. ‘And I’m quite serious about that, in case you’re wondering.’
‘I don’t know why,’ Tasha shot back. ‘You backed out and I didn’t threaten you with physical violence; why is this any different?’
‘The difference,’ Chaz said acidly, ‘is that you’re doing it out of sheer bloody-mindedness.’
‘I know,’ Tasha said with disconcerting frankness. ‘But it feels so lovely.’
‘Is that meant to make me feel better about it?’ asked Chaz.
‘I’m upset,’ said Tasha. ‘My life has been turned upside down. It may not be your fault, but you’re here. It’s not fair, but then life isn’t fair.’ She gave him a dazzling smile. ‘Anyway, who knows when I’ll have another chance to be bloody-minded to you? Whereas there’s a good chance I can sleep with you some other time if I want to. Unless, of course, you decide you want your revenge.’
‘Oh, for God’s sake—’ He scowled at her.
‘You know, we could go on like this for years,’ Tasha said blithely. ‘Next time you could proposition me and turn me down when I accept, then I could proposition you and then change my mind, then you could start to seduce me and then have a headache—’
‘Will you stop it?’ There was still a glint of temper in the black eyes, but a reluctant smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. ‘I don’t know whether to kiss you or kill you,’ he said exasperatedly.
‘Well, you’d better not kiss me,’ said Tasha. ‘I wouldn’t want you to get excited.’
Chaz gave her a sardonic look. ‘You know, the funny thing is people have quite the wrong idea of you. Everyone thinks you’re such a nice girl.’
‘Yes,’ Tasha said rather bitterly. ‘That’s why they walk all over me.’
‘No comment,’ said Chaz. ‘I’m going to have another drink to calm my nerves.’
He walked over to the sideboard. Tasha followed him. She could do with a drink herself. It occurred to her that she’d never been so horrible to anyone in her whole life. For some reason she liked Chaz a lot better now that she’d been so horrible to him.
‘I enjoyed the kiss, anyway,’ she said politely. ‘Both kisses.’
Chaz flicked her a glance. ‘I could tell.’ An eyebrow shot up. ‘Me too. Let’s not pursue that line of thought, shall we?’
He poured out a drink for himself, and one for Tasha.
He lifted his glass. ‘To what might have been,’ he said.
‘To what might have been,’ Tasha said gloomily. She took a sip of her drink.
For about the two-hundredth time in twenty-four hours her mind turned to composition. It was struggling with a communication which was sometimes a letter starting ‘I am sorry to say’, and sometimes a repulsively formal printed invitation retraction starting ‘Professor G.G. Merrill regrets to inform you’, but which always got bogged down at ‘that’. ‘I am sorry to say’, she began, decided again that the printed formal version worked better, decided again that it would be repulsively formal, and abandoned the debate for the two-hundredth time to try to think of a new job to try for. In a week. When she had nowhere to live and nowhere to put her things. Tasha took another sip of her drink.
If she stored them with her father, she thought again, she would have to move them twice, and anyway he had nowhere to put them. If she stored them with her mother she would get a long lecture on scaring men away and anyway her mother had nowhere to put them because her house was full of wedding presents. Wedding presents! For the two-hundredth time she remembered that she was going to have to do something about the wedding presents. She took another sip of her drink, scowling.
She was going to have to say something about the presents when she wrote to people so they would know they would get them back. But she would have to say that they should not expect to get them back too soon because she had to look for a new job and a place to stay. But you couldn’t say that; you just couldn’t. But she just couldn’t send them back until she had a job and a place to stay. But what if it took weeks or months and she still hadn’t sent back the presents? But what if—?
‘It’s going to be so horrible,’ she said. ‘I gave notice on my flat and someone else is moving in so I’ve nowhere to stay. I gave notice at work so I could work in Jeremy’s venture capital company and now I don’t have a job. On top of which we’ve invited hundreds of people to the wedding. Now I’ll have to uninvite them and send back hundreds of presents and explain and explain and explain... What is it?’
Chaz was staring down at her with an arrested expression. ‘I’ve had an idea,’ he said. ‘Just when is this wedding?’
‘Next week,’ said Tasha with a grimace.
‘Not a problem,’ said Chaz. ‘Special licence.’
‘You don’t need a licence to call off a wedding,’ Tasha said wearily.
‘I know that,’ said Chaz. The black eyes were brilliant with amusement. ‘But I don’t think you should call it off.’
‘I don’t have any choice in the matter,’ Tasha said impatiently. ‘Even if Jeremy changed his mind I just couldn’t after what he said—’
Chaz shook his head. ‘Oh, you can’t marry Jeremy,’ he said. ‘That would never do.’ He smiled at her blandly. ‘I think you should go ahead with the wedding, and marry me instead.’
CHAPTER TWO
‘WHAT did you say?’ said Tasha.
‘You should marry me,’ said Chaz. ‘It’s obvious, really. Can’t think why I didn’t think of it before.’
Tasha could think of about five million reasons not to marry Chaz. ‘Are you out of your mind?’ she said feebly.
Chaz gave her a faintly malicious smile. ‘Not at all,’ he said blandly. ‘Only trying to help. It solves everything.’
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Tasha. ‘I couldn’t possibly marry you.’
‘Oh, not permanently, of course,’ said Chaz. ‘Just for a year or two. Everyone will be expecting it to break up, so they won’t be surprised—the only thing that they’ll be surprised about is that we married in the first place.’
‘Exactly,’ said Tasha. ‘Because it’s a ridiculous idea.’
Chaz raised an eyebrow. ‘You’re not thinking,’ he said. ‘If you call off the wedding you don’t have to give the guests the real reason, but you’ll have to explain to your father, no?’
‘Yes,’ said Tasha.
‘Are you sure you want to do that?’
Tasha stared at him. Ever since she’d talked to Jeremy the only thing she’d been able to think of was her father—of throwing herself into his arms and crying her heart out and explaining what had gone wrong. Now, for the first time, she thought of her father’s reaction to hearing the reason for the break-up. What if he felt guilty for not giving her more money? What if he thought she was blaming him for not giving her more money?
Tasha bit her lip.
‘Quite,’ said Chaz. ‘It’s a pretty big burden to ask him to bear. This way we can give the same story to everyone. We ran into each other somewhere and fell madly in love; you broke off your engagement with Jeremy and decided to marry me instead. We knew it was short notice but since the wedding had already been planned we decided to go ahead with it.’
He grinned at her. ‘The beauty of it is in the arrangements. Knowing you, I’ll bet you’ve ended up inviting all five of my fractional families—which means the groom’s guests are already taken care of apart from a few friends. That just leaves Jeremy’s side. Well, they’re his guests—let him uninvite them. If any of them happen to show up we’ll simply make them welcome—we can afford to be generous on our big day.’
Tasha was giggling in spite of herself. The thought of various of Jeremy’s repulsive relations sitting in their pews and seeing Chaz at her side appealed to the nasty side of her nature which she hadn’t known she had.
“That is a temptation,’ she admitted. ‘In fact, it would be quite helpful, because then they could pick up their gifts on the way out.’
Chaz laughed. ‘That’s the spirit. Then you can come to New York with me, and file for a divorce in a year.’
Tasha sighed. ‘I wish it were that simple.’
Chaz flicked up an eyebrow. ‘What’s complicated? The most important thing is not to upset your father. The second most important thing is to make things easy for yourself. Well, you’ve done all the work for the wedding, it’s easier to go ahead than do all the extra work of calling it off.’ He smiled at her. ‘I know it may be a bit hard for you to go through it as a charade when you thought it would be for real, but I’ll see you through it. It won’t be as bad as you think. And afterwards you can just leave everything behind. Spend a year in New York, where there’s nothing to remind you of Jeremy or the things you planned to do. At the end of the year make up your mind what to do next.’
Tasha ran a hand absent-mindedly through her hair. For the first time she considered the preposterous suggestion as a serious possibility. There was no doubt about it; it would be far simpler to go through with things at this stage than to pull back. But how could she marry Chaz?
‘Even if all that’s true,’ she said at last, ‘why would you do such a thing? You can’t possibly want to be married. It’ll put a terrible cramp in your style.’
Chaz shrugged. ‘True enough.’ The black eyes were thoughtful. ‘But your father’s been pretty decent to me. He’s certainly the nearest thing I’ve ever had to a father, and I don’t have many chances to do something for him.’ His mouth quirked up. ‘Besides, Tash, you’ve always been the most amusing of all my ragbag of sort-of relations, and there’s not much I won’t do for people who don’t bore me.’
Tasha stared at him. ‘But you hate me,’ she protested.
‘You hate me,’ Chaz corrected her gently. ‘But your passion is unrequited.’ He gave her a gleaming glance. ‘And, if I may say so, misplaced. You don’t have to put me in your top ten for this, but I expect you to give me credit, for once, for doing something not purely out of self-interest.’
Tasha still had her drink in her hand. She finished the glass absent-mindedly and set it down.
She frowned. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I’ve never slept with anyone I wasn’t in love with. I know I said I was going to a little while ago but I’m not really myself today. I have a feeling when I’m myself again it will just seem impossible again. I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.’
She glanced up again, forcing herself to meet his eyes. Chaz gave her a rather wry smile. ‘I don’t have the wrong idea,’ he said. ‘I always said it wasn’t your style. It’s an unconditional offer, Tash; you don’t have to sleep with me if you don’t want to.’ An amused eyebrow shot up as a thought struck him. ‘Anyway, if I start committing adultery a couple of weeks after the wedding it’ll give you ironclad grounds for divorce, and God knows the temptation will be there—all the women I didn’t marry will have their hatchets out for you, darling, and be only too happy to remind me of what I let slip.’
Tasha realised that she was feeling unreasonably annoyed by this remark. It was completely ridiculous. If she went through with it she couldn’t expect Chaz to remain celibate for a year to honour a paper marriage, and she had absolutely no right to be jealous of him. The comment was the type of cynical, sophisticated remark that had always irritated her, but the chances were his assessment of the situation was actually right; it was ridiculous to hold it against him for knowing his world. The bottom line was that he was being very generous, offering her a way out of a nightmarish situation without asking anything in return.
Without asking anything in return? Chaz?
‘Well, if you don’t want sex what do you want?’ asked Tasha.
Chaz grinned. ‘I didn’t say I didn’t want it, darling. I just said you didn’t have to oblige.’
‘Exactly,’ said Tasha. ‘So what do you expect from me? Is it enough to know you’re protecting Daddy from something you think he shouldn’t know? Or do you want something more?’
Chaz paused for thought. ‘Well, if we split up I want half the wedding presents,’ he said. ‘I’ve always wanted to run a five-toaster flat; I reckon we can count on a good ten even without Jeremy’s side.’
‘I did have a wedding list,’ Tasha pointed out.
‘Did you? How disappointing. Well, bags the toaster if we only get one.’
Tasha smiled in spite of herself. ‘Will you be serious?’ she asked. ‘I just want to know what I’m getting into. If there’s something you want out of this I’d rather know now.’
Chaz shrugged. ‘No strings attached, if that’s what you mean. When I say unconditional I mean unconditional. You could keep me company at a few boring dinners, but if you can’t face it I shan’t mind. You don’t have to pretend to be in love with me when we’re out together in public. Half the women I know married for money; no one will think the worse of you if they think you did—they’ll just think you did well for yourself to get someone who wasn’t physically repulsive into the bargain.’
Tasha grimaced. ‘But that’s horrible,’ she said. ‘How can you stand it?’
‘Stand what?’
‘Living with all those miserable people,’ said Tasha.
Chaz raised a sardonic eyebrow. ‘Who says they’re miserable? They sell the one thing they have for the one thing they want—it’s not a bad deal.’
Tasha shuddered. What was the use of all that money, she thought, if someone had a whole life without love? But she certainly wasn’t going to argue about that with Chaz.
‘So what’s the verdict?’ said Chaz. ‘Do you want to give it a whirl?’
Tasha looked at him doubtfully. It wouldn’t be a real marriage, of course, but what on earth would it be like to live for a whole year with Chaz? He could be charming when he chose, but there was a cynical side to his character that always made her want to hit him. What would it be like to live with someone who always thought the worst of everyone? On the other hand if she didn’t, what could she tell her father?
‘Well,’ she said.
Chaz sipped his drink, looking up at her from under Satanic eyebrows, the sardonic expression more pronounced. She had the impression he knew exactly what she was thinking.
She had to do something. Tasha closed her eyes, and she saw a list of hundreds of wedding guests, and three rooms full of wedding presents. If she said no she would have to write to all those guests in the next two days. Some had already made expensive and non-refundable travel arrangements...
She opened her eyes. Chaz was still watching her. He really was devastatingly handsome, she thought irrelevantly. It was hard to believe she’d actually kissed him about ten minutes ago.
‘All right,’ said Tasha. ‘I accept.’
‘Against your better judgement,’ Chaz said acutely. ‘Poor darling. Marriage to the Archfiend versus one thousand disappointed guests.’ He smiled at her, the slightly crooked, uncynical smile that was so disarming because so seldom seen. ‘Never mind, Tash, I’ll try to see you don’t regret it.’
‘I’m sure I shan’t regret it,’ Tasha said stoutly if untruthfully.
‘Liar,’ said her husband-to-be. His eyes were bright with amusement. ‘Don’t look so despondent, darling. We’re in this together. We’ll have a marvellous time. First but not least the wedding—I’ve managed to avoid playing the lead in one for thirty-one years, but if I’ve got to start I can’t imagine a better way than as an understudy. Then there’s my family, most of whom I haven’t seen in donkey’s years—you can’t avoid all of the people all of the time, but you can avoid most of the people most of the time, and since you are deservedly and unreservedly adored by all I’ll enjoy a brief return to favour as the prodigal—followed by a complete severance of relations, with any luck, when I’m unfaithful to their darling within a month of the wedding...’