Angels In The Snow

CHAPTER FIVE

‘STELLA, have you seen Daniel?’ Ellie hurried into the treatment room where Stella was just finishing a dressing. ‘The paramedics are bringing in a baby with breathing problems. I need him.’

‘I haven’t seen him.’ She’d made sure she hadn’t seen him. She didn’t want to set eyes on him until she’d calmed down.

The more she thought about what had happened the evening before, the angrier she became.

Stella saw her patient out of the room and Ellie looked at her closely.

‘All right, tell me what’s wrong. You’ve been hiding in the treatment room all morning.’

‘I’m not hiding.’

‘Your evening didn’t go so well, did it? When you texted me to say you were at home, I gathered something was up. Was he creepy?’

‘He didn’t show up.’ Neither had he emailed. Stella frowned, finding it a little strange that he hadn’t given her some reason for the fact that he hadn’t shown up. Mind you, she hadn’t given him her mobile number, had she? Apart from ringing through to the pub, he’d had no way of contacting her once she’d left the stable for the evening. But there had been no email waiting when she’d arrived home. ‘Obviously he changed his mind.’

‘So you just sat there for a bit and then left?’

Daniel’s dark, handsome features swam in her brain. ‘That’s right. Early night.’ And she felt horribly confused about the whole thing. Too confused even to talk to Ellie.

‘You look tired for someone that had an early night.’ Ellie leaned forward and gave her a hug. ‘Why don’t you come over to my house one evening this week? I can get the kids to sleep early and we can open a bottle and watch something romantic.’

‘Romance isn’t working for me at the moment, but thanks.’ Stella hugged her back. ‘You need to make the most of your evenings with Ben. You see little enough of him.’

‘That’s true, but there’s something wonderfully soothing about talking to a girlfriend and ranting about the things that men just don’t understand.’ Ellie glanced at her watch. ‘The ambulance will be here in a moment—I’d better go and find Daniel. I don’t suppose I could persuade you to work in Paediatric Resus, could I?’

‘What’s happened to Andrea?’

‘She had to transfer a patient to Theatre and she isn’t back yet. And on top of that she irritates Daniel because she’s slow.’

Knowing that to refuse would raise more questions than she wanted to answer, Stella gave a nod. ‘All right. Tell me about this baby.’

‘Five months old. Born at thirty-six weeks by Caesarean section—one of Patrick’s, I think.’ Ellie frowned. ‘Anyway, the mum called the emergency services tonight after the baby turned blue and stopped breathing.’ They hurried towards the paediatric area of the emergency department and met Daniel heading in the same direction.

It was the first time Stella had seen him since the previous evening—since the kiss—and she felt the colour flare in her cheeks. Despite her best intentions, all she could think about was the way his mouth had felt against hers.

His eyes raked her face, held hers for a disturbing moment and then his jaw tightened and he pushed open the doors to Resus with slightly more force than was necessary. ‘What have we got?’

A mess, Stella thought helplessly, thinking of their own situation.

‘Five-month-old baby …’ Ellie repeated the information she’d given Stella, just as the paramedics arrived with the baby.

A pale-faced woman with no make-up and untidy hair was with them, holding a squirming toddler by the hand. ‘Please don’t make me go and sit in the waiting room. I can’t bear to leave Poppy.’

‘You’re her mother?’ Daniel walked across to the trolley and the woman nodded.

‘We’ve been up all night for three nights and I can’t even think straight any more.’ Her eyes filled. ‘She stopped breathing.’ She broke off as the toddler started to whine and Stella took one look at his exhausted, stressed mother and scooped him up.

‘Come and see what’s in my magic box,’ she whispered into his ear, and the toddler stopped grizzling and looked interested. Stella pulled out the toy box that was hidden away for occasions such as this, and settled the toddler on the floor. ‘This is full of exciting things. See if you can find my special blue car. I’m just going to see to your sister. I’ll be back in a minute.’

While Daniel was questioning the mother, Stella attached the baby to a cardiac monitor and a pulse oximeter.

‘Sats are 92 in air,’ she murmured, and Daniel glanced at the monitor.

‘Let’s give her humidified oxygen and ask the paediatric registrar to come down. Whatever the outcome of my examination, she’s going to need to be admitted.’ Removing a stethoscope from his pocket, he turned back to the mother. ‘You say that you’ve been up all night for three nights. Was that when she first became ill?’

‘I thought she just had a cold. She just had a runny nose and a bit of a temperature. It’s that time of year, isn’t it? And then suddenly she started coughing—this horrible dry cough. And she stopped feeding.’

‘A baby with a respiratory infection can’t always take the same amount of food as usual.’ Daniel slid the jumper over the baby’s head and undid the vest. ‘So what happened to make you call the ambulance?’

‘I put her down for a nap and when I looked at her she was blue and she stopped breathing for a bit. Honestly, I didn’t imagine it.’

‘Her respirations are 70,’ Stella said, and Daniel gave a nod as he shifted the vest and looked at the baby’s chest.

‘I’m sure you didn’t imagine it.’ He glanced at the mother with a smile, everything about him calm and reassuring. ‘It isn’t uncommon for young babies with bronchiolitis to have pauses in their breathing and I suspect that’s what’s going on here. I’m going to take a good look at her and then we’ll decide how best to treat her.’

‘I honestly thought she was going to die.’

‘There’s nothing more frightening than being on your own at home with a sick baby. It’s hard to think straight, especially when you’ve been up all night.’ Daniel watched the baby’s chest rise and fall. ‘You did the right thing to bring her in. We have an excellent paediatric department here and we won’t be sending Poppy home until we’re happy with her.’

In response to his sympathetic comments, the mother put her hand to her face and started to cry. ‘Sorry—you must think I’m a total nutcase, it’s just that I’m so tired and I’ve been so worried.’

‘I’m not surprised. Any normal parent would be out of their mind with worry.’ Daniel gestured to the chair and then put the stethoscope in his ears. ‘Sit down before you drop and I have to treat you, too. Once I have a better idea what’s going on, you can get yourself a hot drink in the café down the corridor. You look as though you need one.’ Then he turned back to the baby, his hands infinitely gentle as he examined her.

‘Poppy sick?’ The toddler wandered across to the trolley, clutching a blue car, and Stella admired the toy before turning back to help Daniel.

He was so good with children and that made the whole thing so much worse.

Although she knew he didn’t think so himself, Stella knew that Daniel would make a wonderful father.

While he concentrated on his tiny patient, she found herself looking at him. Why couldn’t she be indifferent? He was so unsuitable. He didn’t want what she wanted. So why did she still find him so desperately attractive? She gazed at the strong, bold lines of his bone structure and the dark shadow that emphasised his jaw. And her heart stumbled.

Daniel removed the stethoscope from his ears and met her gaze. He frowned briefly, clearly aware that she was thinking about more than the patient. ‘Fine inspiratory crackles,’ he said gruffly, ‘and she has a high-pitched expiratory wheeze. She has nasal flaring, grunting and her chest is visibly hyper-inflated so I think we’re looking at a diagnosis of bronchiolitis. Did you ring Paeds?’

Stella pulled herself together. ‘Yes. The registrar is just finishing a lumbar puncture and then he’ll be down.’ She turned her attention back to the baby, telling herself that her relationship with Daniel would become easier over time. It was bound to feel hard at first, wasn’t it? It was up to her to move on.

Maybe ‘Caring of Cumbria’ hadn’t worked out—but that didn’t mean she wouldn’t meet someone else. She wasn’t going to give up at the first fence.

‘What exactly is bronchiolitis?’ The exhausted young mother stood up and stroked her baby’s head gently. ‘Could I have avoided it somehow?’

‘It’s a viral infection of the small airway, very common in the winter months, especially in this age group.’ Daniel took his pen out of his pocket. ‘There’s absolutely nothing you could have done.’

‘I feel like a terrible mother. I feel like I’ve let her down. I should have brought her days ago.’

‘She wasn’t as ill as this days ago, or you would have brought her.’ Daniel wrote up some drugs on the notes. ‘You haven’t let her down. You’ve done all the right things. You’re a brilliant mum.’

The woman flushed. ‘I don’t feel brilliant. I feel … incoherent. I haven’t been to bed for three nights.’

‘That’s why you’re brilliant,’ Daniel said easily. ‘Some mothers would have just gone back to sleep. You’ve put yourself through the wringer because you’ve been watching over your child. That makes you brilliant in my book. How many feeds has Poppy had today in comparison to normal?’

The mother flushed but it was obvious that Daniel’s words had bolstered her self-confidence and given her the extra strength she needed to get through the crisis.

Stella studied Daniel’s profile, wondering what his own mother had been like. She knew that his childhood had been far from idyllic, but he rarely divulged any details.

He had firm views on mothers, she knew that.

And fathers.

And he didn’t think he’d make a good one.

Oblivious to her scrutiny, he was scribbling on the notes. ‘How many wet nappies?’

The mother pulled a face. ‘I—I don’t know. Why is that important?’

‘Because it helps us assess how dehydrated she is. We may need to give her some fluid into her vein, but I’m going to leave that to my paediatric colleagues to decide.’

‘Can you give her antibiotics or something?’

‘It’s caused by a virus so antibiotics won’t help.’ Daniel looked up as the door opened. ‘This is Deborah—she’s the paediatric doctor.’ He outlined the case to Deborah, who immediately arranged for the child to be admitted.

Stella watched the easy smile he gave to the other doctor and wondered whether they’d had a relationship in the past two years.

Gritting her teeth, she gathered up the baby’s things. None of her business, she reminded herself. She no longer had any interest in Daniel Buchannan’s love life.

And that was the way it was going to stay.

As the paediatric team took over care of the baby and transferred her, she expected Daniel to go back to work. Instead, he closed the door of Resus so that the two of them were alone.

‘Listen, about last night—’

‘Yes, last night.’ Her temper exploded, fuelled by all the confusing feelings he’d released inside her. ‘Don’t you ever kiss me again, Daniel Buchannan. Do you hear me?’

‘You kissed me, too.’

‘Yes, I did. And it was a mistake!’ She glared at him. ‘I didn’t come back here to get involved with you again. What do you think I am? Stupid? Some sort of masochist? You think I want to put myself through that pain again?’

His eyes narrowed. ‘Stella—’

‘Kiss me again and I’ll injure you!’ She stabbed her finger towards him. ‘If you want a woman, I’m sure your lawyer will oblige.’

His expression was defensive. ‘You have no reason to be jealous of her.’

‘I’m not jealous. I’m angry. I’m angry that you can be so—so …’ She stumbled over the words. ‘Careless about my feelings.’

‘I’m not careless,’ Daniel said roughly. ‘It’s because I care that I broke off our engagement. I knew I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I couldn’t be what you wanted me to be. If I’d married you, I would have made you miserable.’

‘Well, breaking off our engagement didn’t exactly make my day, either!’ Furious with herself and with him, Stella turned away and started clearing up the equipment from the trolley with more clatter and energy than was entirely necessary. ‘We can work together, Daniel, because we’re both professionals. As for the rest of it—I want you to stay away from me.’ Because she didn’t trust herself …

With a soft curse, Daniel strode towards her, his eyes glittering dangerously as he moved her away from the trolley and backed her against the wall. ‘Enough of this,’ he growled, planting his arms either side of her so that she was trapped. ‘Are you trying to pretend you don’t feel anything?’

‘No, I’m not. But I don’t want to feel anything, can’t you understand that?’ Her legs were shaking and her insides were as hot and fluid as molten lava. ‘You hurt me, Daniel.’

‘You think I don’t know that?’ He put his hand under her chin and forced her to look at him. ‘You think I don’t know exactly what I did two years ago? Believe me, I know.’

‘So why did you kiss me again?’ She tried to ignore his tantalising male scent and those blue eyes, programmed to drive a woman wild. ‘You want to put me through it all a second time?’

‘No.’ His gaze dropped to her mouth and lingered there. ‘I kissed you because I can’t be that close to you and not want to kiss you. That’s how it’s always been. Most of the time I manage to control it but last night—last night, I didn’t. I was angry that you were meeting a stranger. Angry that you wore the red dress.’ The expression in his eyes was personal—intimate—and Stella felt the breath jam in her throat.

‘What I wear isn’t any of your business.’ His face was close to hers, just a breath away from touching.

‘Why did you come back, Stella?’

She gave a low moan and closed her eyes, struggling against instincts that were stronger than her. ‘I’ve told you why. Because this is my home.’ Her heart was thumping dangerously hard and her body yearned to melt into his. ‘Are you suggesting this is all my fault?’ Oh, God, of course it was her fault. She’d overestimated the strength of her willpower, hadn’t she?

‘You knew I was here, but you chose to come back. You knew what would happen when we were alone together. Look at me.’ His fingers tightened on her chin, demanding—possessive. ‘Admit it, Stella. This was always going to be difficult.’

She looked at him and immediately wished she hadn’t because eye contact simply intensified the chemistry. ‘Why would it be difficult?! You didn’t want me—’

‘That isn’t true. You know that isn’t true.’ His mouth was dangerously close to hers. ‘I won’t make a good husband or a good father, but that deficiency in my make-up has no effect on my skills as a lover.’

A delicious shiver ran through her body. ‘Dan, please—’

‘I’ve always wanted you,’ he breathed huskily. ‘I’ve wanted you from the very first day I saw you.’

‘Stop it!’ Stella twisted her head away, trying to free herself from temptation. ‘You’re the one making this difficult.’

‘No. It’s difficult because our relationship didn’t really end. I told you that I didn’t want marriage and children, but I never once told you that I didn’t want you.’

Stella pushed at his chest and struggled to find willpower. ‘You wanted sex with no commitment.’

‘I made a commitment,’ he said roughly. ‘I was with you. There was no one else for me.’

Thinking about their relationship was bitter-sweet. She’d been so excited about the future, in love for the first time in her life …

‘It wasn’t enough, Daniel. I want more than that. I’m old-fashioned. I want a man to love me enough to marry me.’ Her voice broke because it seemed impossible to imagine ever loving a man as much as she loved Daniel. ‘Why are we going over this again? Leave me alone, Daniel. I’m trying to build a new life.’

‘Is that why you’re meeting strange men in pubs? Is that the “new life” you want?’ The sudden hardness of his tone slashed like the blade of a knife and her chin lifted.

‘That’s none of your business.’

‘I’m just worried about you, that’s all.’

‘You don’t need to worry. I’m not your problem Daniel.’ Unsettled by her own feelings as much as the look in his eyes, Stella ducked under his arm and walked towards the door, her legs shaking so badly she could hardly walk. ‘Neither am I your responsibility. If I choose to meet a stranger in a pub, that’s my decision.’

‘It’s a lousy decision.’ His blue eyes glittered dangerously as he watched her retreat. ‘Why are you meeting men over the internet?’

‘Why not?’ She held his gaze and for a moment they just looked at each other.

‘It isn’t safe to meet strangers,’ he said roughly. ‘You could get hurt.’

‘You hurt me, Daniel. You hurt me.’ Stella turned away, confused and frustrated. Was he asking her not to meet anyone? Was he suggesting that they resurrect their relationship? Part of her was appalled at the thought, but another tiny part of her was desperately hopeful and she hated the fact that she could still feel that way.

‘I know I hurt you.’ His voice was low and impossibly sexy. ‘I know I can’t be what you want me to be.’ He broke off and muttered something under his breath, his shoulders visibly tense. ‘Just be careful, that’s all I ask. If you want to meet a man, go to the Christmas party. At least it’s a safe environment. You know lots of the people and you’re less likely to get hurt.’

Her fantasies shattered like glass on concrete.

He was encouraging her to meet someone else.

‘You can just as easily get hurt by the people you love as by strangers,’ Stella said pointedly, turning and looking him in the eye. ‘And when I need your help or advice to meet a man, I’ll ask.’ Without giving him time to reply, she stalked out of the room and let the door swing shut behind her, wishing for the first time in her life that she’d never met Daniel Buchannan.

Stretched out in a chair in his office, exhausted after eleven hours with no break, Daniel stared blankly at the computer screen, his mind full of the night before.

He never should have kissed her.

What had possessed him to do such an utterly stupid thing?

As if things hadn’t been hard enough before that.

He still didn’t understand exactly why he’d lost control.

One moment he’d been furiously angry, the next he’d been kissing her. Usually with women he choreographed every move—he was always in control. He made sure of it. He knew when he was going to ask them out, he knew where he was going to take them—control was part of the way he protected himself.

Only with Stella there was no control. And there never had been.

Sliding his hand over his face, he muttered a black oath.

Nothing had changed between them. Except that they were no longer together.

Dwelling on that uncomfortable truth, Daniel glanced up to see his brother standing in the doorway. ‘What are you doing here? Is someone giving birth in my department?’

‘No. I have some news. And I need a favour.’ Patrick frowned at him. ‘You look as though you’re in a filthy mood. What’s wrong?’

‘Nothing.’ Somehow Daniel couldn’t bring himself to confess his thoughts about Stella. He waited while his brother sprawled in the only armchair in his office. ‘You don’t look so good yourself.’

‘Tired.’ Patrick closed his eyes and Daniel frowned slightly.

‘Is it the job or the kids?’ Out of the corner of his eye, Daniel surveyed his desk, barely visible beneath the piles of files and papers that people wanted him to read. For a brief moment he wondered what would happen if he just tipped the lot into the bin. Would anyone notice? He didn’t have time to deal with any of it all anyway, so it may as well be in the bin. His computer was telling him that he had seventy-two new messages in his inbox and he stifled the temptation to just switch the thing off at the mains. ‘What’s the problem?’ Apart from the fact your wife left you with two little kids.

‘I’m knackered.’ His brother opened his eyes briefly. ‘If the labour ward rings, you haven’t seen me.’

‘That bad, huh?’ Daniel gave a sympathetic grin and transferred the files on his desk to the floor. ‘Busy night?’

‘Not particularly.’ His brother’s eyes drifted shut again. ‘But I didn’t get any sleep, thanks to a certain woman in my life.’

Daniel gave a slow smile of masculine approval. ‘Now, that is good news. I’ve been telling you for months that it’s time for you to get out there again. Tell me that she was incredible in bed, cooks like an angel and is dying to take on a single dad with two small children who spends most of his waking hours working.’

Patrick opened his eyes. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘The woman you spent last night with—I want the details. Blonde? Brunette? Redhead? God, I love redheads. My lawyer is a redhead.’

‘You always preferred blondes.’

‘Well, now I prefer redheads. Very dominant and assertive.’ Omitting to mention that he couldn’t help comparing every blonde to Stella, Daniel noticed more emails fly into his inbox and swivelled the chair so that he could no longer see the screen. ‘And we were talking about you, not me. Why don’t we grab a beer after work and you can give me the details?’