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“Would you have believed me?”
“I don’t know,” she admitted with some reluctance. “But the point is that whatever Guy may or may not have had on his mind is secondary to your behavior. You went ballistic, and you had no right to. Not only did it show that you didn’t trust me, but you were wrong in trying to dictate what I could or couldn’t do.”
“You knew how I felt about you.”
“What about how I felt? Of all the people in Dusty Flats who should have known that I would never let myself be controlled by anyone again, it was you. Instead you broke every promise you’d ever made to me. Promises you’ll recall I warned you you wouldn’t be able to keep. Do you have any idea how terrified I was when you—”
“Yes.” His gaze burned into hers. “There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t have regrets, when I don’t hate myself for how I acted that day. But eventually I was also able to find a seed of hope in the fact that I stopped in time. Remember?”
“I wore the imprint of your fingers on my arms for over a week,” she accused. “My lip got cut when you…” She looked away.
“Kissed you. Why can’t you say it?”
“Because it wasn’t a kiss, it was an attack.”
He drew a deep breath. “I could feel you slipping through my fingers. Then I tasted you and you went straight to my head. You ran scared. I ran eager. It happens.”
“Of course it does.” Dana could hear the trembling in her voice, but couldn’t help it. “And what you did upset you so much that the perfect solution was to go to Abilene and sleep with the first woman who would accommodate you.”
“Bad judgment based on frustration and hurt—”
“Spare me the clinical answers.”
“—and I’ve been paying for it in spades ever since. I will for the rest of my life,” John said more quietly. “There’s nothing you can say that I haven’t already said to myself, no name low enough that I haven’t already thought of.”
She attempted to pass his son back to him. “Then there’s no reason for you to be here any longer.”
He moved back a step to offset hers. “Yes, there is. I want to…Wait a minute, Dana.”
“Take him.”
“No. Hear me out.”
“What for?”
“Because I want you to teach me how to be a father.”
She knew her mouth fell open. She could tell by the flicker of relief in his eyes. But before she could recover, he began again.
“Bud’s right. I can’t leave my son to go chasing after Celene. I’ll call my lawyer and let him file the proper papers to deal with her. What’s important is that I be here for my boy, and that he learns early on that I’ll be whatever he needs me to be. But, hell, Dana…I don’t know where to begin.”
“You could start by not swearing in front of him.”
One corner of his mouth curved upward in a faint smile. “You’ll have to do better than that. You swore at me the moment you opened the door.”
“That proves I’m not the right person for this job,” she replied primly. She sidestepped him and crossed over to the couch where she placed the baby back into his box. “I’m sorry, but I can’t help you. Besides, I haven’t any more experience with children than you do.”
“So we’ll learn the technical stuff from the brochures the nurses at the hospital gave me. But you do know firsthand what a father shouldn’t be. He isn’t rough, impatient or loud the way I am…the way your father was. You could show me the better way, the gentler way to handle him when he does something wrong, and teach me how to encourage him so he won’t grow up to be a bully or a boaster. I don’t want him to back away from me the way you used to do with your old man when he was in one of his tempers, and the way you’ve already done with me today. I want him to call me Dad because he’s proud of me, not because he’s obligated to out of respect, or worse yet, fear.”
Dana felt his influence like a blowtorch melting a block of ice, felt the impossible pull of his charisma and resisted it with all her might. There was a time when she would have longed to believe he meant what he said, but she’d known him too long not to suspect he was asking too much from himself, let alone her. She began to shake her head.
“Before you turn me down again,” he said just as she attempted to add a verbal reply, “let me rephrase that request slightly. Help me until I can hire someone full-time.”
It was better, but still difficult. “I really shouldn’t…No, it’s impossible. I can’t.”
“But I have a ranch to run.”
“And I have a business.”
“I know that, but—Dana, if you don’t help me, my only other option is to use Durango.”
Now that was something else entirely. “You wouldn’t. The man smokes like a volcano about to explode, and he has the ethics of a weasel.”
“Maybe, but the bottom line is that he’s the only hand who’s around the house with any consistency.”
As his son protested the confines of his box, Dana drew her lower lip between her teeth and worried over this news. This wasn’t fair. She was just beginning to think she’d put her disappointment and, yes, even heartbreak over John Paladin behind her. He had no business charging back into her life and tying her head and heart into knots again. Maybe he had always managed to make her vulnerable to him, but she wanted a quiet life, a secure, serene life. Her mother had never had it—not until her father had been laid to rest the year before she’d graduated from college. Dana refused to go through that herself, even if it meant she would spend the rest of her life alone.
On the other hand, she brooded, no infant should be held responsible for the sins of the parents. She glanced down at John’s son. This beautiful little boy who’d been conceived in the worst possible situation already had two strikes against him—a mother who’d abandoned him, and a confused, inexperienced father. She might be risking more heartbreak, but she couldn’t turn her back on such circumstances, not when she thought of the helpless innocence of such a tender, vulnerable life.
Not unaware that she could be making the mistake of a lifetime, she cast John a wary look. “I’d have some stipulations,” she began cautiously.
“Anything,” he replied without hesitation.
“Don’t be so eager—or confident. I doubt you’ll like what I’m about to say.”
“You’re looking at the new John Paladin,” he said, a determined glint in his eye. “Shoot.”
What she’d like to do was…No, she decided. This wasn’t the time or place.
She drew herself erect. “First of all I want to know what kind of physical arrangement you have in mind.”
“Physical. Well, I hadn’t really given it much thought.”
Just as she expected, she thought, barely able to restrain from indulging in a sigh of frustration. “I think it’s best we start from there. Now I don’t for a moment consider myself up-to-date on child-care techniques, but it seems like common sense that a baby should be protected from this kind of weather. And he shouldn’t be out at night. Or too early in the morning.”
“No, I guess not,” John replied, frowning slightly. “Only…what does that mean?”
“I’ll come to your place.”
His expression turned absolutely euphoric. “You’re—”
“Don’t bother trying to flatter me,” Dana said, determined not to be charmed. “I’m doing it for him, not you.”
“—considerate. I was going to say that’s very considerate of you.”
“It’s merely the most practical solution. But I’ll want the right to bring my work,” she added before he could get any more effusive. “You can’t ask me to abandon my clients just because you’ve gotten yourself into a fine mess.”
He shook his head emphatically. “Perfectly reasonable. I wouldn’t think of inconveniencing you more than necessary. And I’ll want to pay you for your time and efforts.”
She hadn’t thought about any of that, but it immediately rankled. “You’ll do no such thing.”
“Dana, I’m asking for a lot. Why do you think Celene ran?”
His craggy face had taken on an almost sweet perplexity that she had to stubbornly ignore. “I think the less we discuss your wife, the better,” she told him, her back rigid.
“Soon to be ex-wife.”
“Next,” she continued, firmly ignoring that comment as well, “under no circumstances will I stay overnight in your house. Which means if you fail to hire someone soon, and an emergency takes you out in the middle of the night to look after your cattle, you’ll have to look elsewhere for help.”
“Okay. Fair enough. Understood.”
She didn’t like his quick, smooth reply. “I mean it, Paladin. This is not an acquiescence in any way, shape or form.”
“A what?”
“Don’t play dumb with me. I haven’t forgiven you, so no intimate conversation or references to our past relationship.”
“You mean you’re now willing to acknowledge that we had a relationship?”
“And if,” Dana continued, annoyed that he’d locked onto that slip, “I discover that you aren’t seriously attempting to find qualified help for the baby, I’ll leave immediately.”
For a moment he remained still and silently stared at her. Dana had seen that look before—when he’d kissed her for the first time. She vowed that if he tried it now, she would cancel the deal entirely. She would have to out of her need for self-preservation.
But instead he slipped his hat on his head and bent to scoop up his son. “Sounds like a fair shake to me. You’ve got yourself a deal.”
“I do?” She’d thought he would balk at a few things just for the sake of principle.
“Absolutely. As far as I can see, we’re in complete agreement.”
“We are?”
“I’ve only one request. You probably won’t like it because it doesn’t really give you room to say no.”
“I don’t have any problem saying no to you when I want to, Paladin. Be assured of that.”
“Yeah, well…I only want you to know I’ll make it up to you. The thing is…I need you to come home with me. Now.”
Chapter Three
“Why?” Dana asked, her voice barely audible.
“Because I need you to help me go through the house and list what I need to buy for the baby.”
John watched her wrestle with this newest request, grateful to be given the added time to look at her again. She had always been a unique combination of girl-next-door wholesomeness that had pulled at his heartstrings and secretiveness that had given her a far more mature, yet vulnerable quality.
Now as he watched her sweep back the chin-length page boy that matched her chestnut-and-gold eyes, he felt all those complex feelings resurface. Along with it came the yearnings he’d had to stamp down for longer than he cared to think about.
He wanted to smile as she lifted her strong, slightly rounded chin. He wanted to stroke away the tiny worry lines that formed over her classy nose. He wanted to soften those generous, unpainted lips she compressed into willful disapproval by covering them with his own. To coax to the surface the tentative, inexperienced side of her once again would be heaven. To win her trust and release the curiosity and desire he’d once seen flicker in her eyes would be a dream come true.
“Well? Is it a deal?” he forced himself to ask, his jacket a bit too warm for the room, his shirt too tight for his chest.
“You aren’t saying that you haven’t bought anything yet?” She ripped at a fingernail in a way he recognized all too well. As soon as she saw he noticed, she hastily thrust her hands behind her back. “Really, Paladin. You’ve had months to prepare for this!”
He knew that. He knew exactly how bad things sounded, and all he could do was offer a weary lift of one shoulder. “You didn’t know Celene. She had no interest. I kept hoping she would change the closer she came to term, so I kept putting it off. And I won’t deny that I got busy with some things, too.”
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