How to avoid becoming a spinster?

What can I say? Since I’m writing about it anyway. Overall, marriage in our family is a must thing. It isn’t only our family though, but many we know. If a girl never got married, she was a loser in their eyes. She’s probably a poor housewife and a bad cook. There was a feeling that without marriage lines everything would fall apart, cows would stop giving milk, and the country's economy would collapse.

Or she may even be someone's mistress or concubine.

However, I have nothing bad to say about those concubines I know. How can you judge people?

This is their choice, the way, the meaning.

Figure out your own life first.

Mom had a friend I jokingly called a 'sympathetic ear'. Irma was cheerful and quite energetic German woman. Years and years Irma listened to my mom and once lost it: 'Well, if your daughter is so clever! Let she get her ass off the couch on a day off and go meet someone!»

What should I say?

Marriage is a big thing, and I wasn't ready for big things at the time.

Long story short, all candidates my mother found weren’t for me. I used to argue with her. Her words hurt me bad…

But over time, I realised what I would advise other girls. You cannot ignore your mother's requests and 'pain' completely. If your mom found you a potential suitor, it is better to have a look. At least from the distance. Imagine yourself a giraffe, raise your head high and watch. (I love giraffes).

There are many cases when mothers find their daughters a decent partner. Before you say your firm 'no' or laugh quietly, think. Perhaps he’s 'the one'? What the hell? Maybe this is your happiness?

Overall, my mom failed to find a husband for me. I found him myself. Now I’m happily married. My word.

IT'S GOOD WHEN YOUR MOM TRY TO FIND YOU A HUSBAND BUT there are some who keep rejecting all suitors of their daughters. He’s too quiet; he’s the wrong nationality and on and on.

'We wish you the best' – the sacramental phrase parents use to motivate their intervention in their daughter's life. What is the objection?

You must agree that not every loving daughter will dare to offend parents saying: 'No, you mean me harm!' or 'You know nothing because you're twice as old!'

"I wish I'd married one of my suitors," a friend of mine tells me. – At least I didn’t see any flaws in them at the time. If it hadn't been for my mother, we would have been a good family. They then got married and everything is fine with them. My husband had to fit my mother's requirements, not mine.

It ended up with a divorce. A hell of a divorce! With screams and scandal! Dust ceiling high.

A lush wedding is what pleases mother's heart, not a happy live after marriage.

Marriage isn’t just about sharing the roof. Marriage to someone you don't care about is hard labour, not family life. I fully agree with many women in this: it is better to be alone than live with the person you don’t love or hate.

Husband and wife want a romantic moment.

They decided to bring good all times back and go on a date. The husband bought flowers, came to the venue, waits an hour, two, three…

Still no wife.

He comes back home to see his wife sipping tea in front of the TV…

The husband yells out of anger:

– Are you crazy? I’ve been waiting for you for three hours and you’ve sitting here all this time!

– You know, my mother hasn’t let me go.

And yet mothers are right when saying there is time for marriage. Don’t beat about the bush for too long. After all, the older a woman gets, the pickier she’s towards men. As a young girl, you don’t see shortcomings of your beloved one, and over the years your requirements skyrocket.

Conclusions:

Moms are the only people who see through us, but they love us with all their heart. If your mom insists on your getting married, she does it with the best of intentions. She wishes you good.

Don’t take the talk of marriage as a mockery from her side. Your mom just wants to help you find your happiness. Be patient to such manifestations of care, even if marriage isn’t in your distant plans.

You shouldn’t just wave away your mom's advice. Take a closer look, give a little time to a potential groom your mom found. What if you marry and live a long and happy life with him?

It may seem that all your friends are married and talk behind your back. And your mom 'bulldozes' you from the other side. Just try to avoid thinking about it. Train to turn it off in your head like a radio. Everyone has their own life.

Take any disputes with your mom as a chance to change your relationship only for the better. You don't have to turn a marriage dispute into a scandal or a feud.

Your mother is the person who’ll never betray you and will always love you. Remember that.

Remind your mother from time to time that you need THE ONE who can make your life bright and joyful.

See finding a husband not as an end in itself, but as an exciting and useful activity that will allow you to meet interesting people, get life experience, get to know yourself better.

To make a "God knows what" out of a marriage and marry a stranger, just because your mother or relatives want you to be married is stupid!

You’re a grownup and you have your own plans. You’re responsible for your own life, and, of course, you’ll build your future as you see right.

Don’t hurt your mother, at least pretend that you listen to her and assure you’ll get married. Be softer with the only mother you have in the whole world.

Imagine you have a daughter you love and you do everything for her well-being. When the time has come to create a family, she refuses to listen to your advice and cuts off any conversation about family life. You won’t like it, right?

WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT, LOVE FOR ALL AGES.

YOU CAN CREATE A FAMILY IN OLD AGE.

IT IS DIFFERENT FOR EVERIONE.

I HAD IT THIS WAY.

Chapter 4

An office romance: maybe?

A colleague asks an office assistant:

– Why do you write 'best wishes' to Ivan Petrovich,

but 'best regards' to Andrey Ivanovich?

– I wish Ivan Petrovich to have as big as Andrey Ivanovich!

Author unknown.

I bet you’ll spot my gloomy undertone. Workplace, of course!

I'll start by saying that I met my husband at work, during one of the business trips. At that time I was 32, and my husband was 30. We didn’t have a 'traditional' office romance, but it was same-field work that brought us together. We didn’t share an office. We were dating for a week.

One summer evening, he said:

– Let's go to the Civil Registry Office tomorrow.

I replied:

– Ok, let's go.

The next day we went there, filed an application and a month later we were registered. Two months later we had a wedding. It seems, that then neither he nor I seriously realise that marriage isn’t just friendship, nor a 'civil' marriage, it is a real thing that comes with its own rules and traditions!

I still keep telling him 'One-week dating, really?'. No drama, breakups, tears in the pillow, SMS waiting. We 'partly' experienced dating dramas being married.

I’ve no regrets about that.

Marriage still feels different. Values, plans, tasks, goals change.

Some envy, some condemn, and some is just happy for us. We try not to pay attention to anyone that is it. From the very beginning, our union wasn’t taken seriously by others. Now no one expects us to divorce. They know it is for a long time.

There are ups and downs in our marriage, but I think no couple is an exception. There's no such thing as a perfect marriage. That is for sure

Instagram is full of happy family photos, but they have moments of misunderstanding too.

I’m sure.

Marriage is knitted with little sacrifices. I don’t go out with my friends so often, I cannot fly away somewhere as I did before, I try to be more mindful with my finances.

BUT BACK TO THE TOPIC)

It's okay if you met the guy of your dreams at work. However, it is very important to know for sure that he’s single, not engaged, married or have children.

The work has enough drama without romantic interventions.

Even if you’re sure that he’s really single, you shouldn’t go and shout about it on every corner.

You may be misunderstood. Do you need people gossiping behind your back? There is a time for everything. Colleagues are usually not too enthusiastic about open relationships. Maybe somebody likes this guy to? Or something else.

A friend of mine met her future husband at work. They dated for two years sharing the same office for a year. She worried that company management would find out that she had an office romance. And you never know what? What if the management and colleagues won’t like it?

'I don't care' won’t work here, that's for sure. They applied to the registry office only when both were on a vacation. They introduced their parents and rented an apartment. They returned to work as husband and wife. To say their colleagues were surprised is to say nothing.

There is a rational kernel I can see.

But I also know a story, when a girl met a guy at work and didn’t make it a secret at all. One day they broke up which, of course, affected the work. His attitude spoiled so hard that she had to find another job.

However, even the most delicate situation can benefit or at least bring less harm, if you analyse the situation you’re in first.

As you can see, everyone is different. There is no recipe. However, there are generally accepted rules and regulations.

Here are a couple of office romance stories with a happy ending. Remember Bill Gates? Did you know he met his future wife at work?

Bill Gates, Microsoft founder met Melinda Ann at an industrial exhibition. At the time, Melinda worked in Microsoft marketing department for only a few months. With a little chatter around the buffet table, she began an affair with one of the richest men in the world. After a fateful meeting, they bumped into each other several times in the office parking lot, and then the boss asked Melinda out. Their affair lasted for seven years before the couple officially registered their relationships. During this time, Melinda managed to achieve great success in the company. They say she did it solely because of her abilities, and not an intimate affair with the boss. After the wedding, Melinda left her job at Microsoft and took up her husband's charity organisation. According to Gates Melinda does it better than him. They are married for 23 years now.

Physicists Maria Sklodowska and Pierre Curie won the Nobel prize for their shared discoveries of radioactivity. At first, only Maria Sklodovskaya worked on radiation. Pierre Curie studied physics of crystals. However, after Maria detected radiation of uranium ore, Pierre Curie postponed his own research to help his wife in her work. Since then, they started using the pronoun 'we' in their laboratory records. Constant lack of money, terrible working conditions and harmful effects of radiation didn’t force them to give up research or part with each other.

There hundreds of stories like that. Office romances have always been and will be – you cannot get away if you work with the opposite sex.

IT TURNS OUT THAT THERE ARE HAPPY ALLIANCES BETWEEN COLLEAGUES TOO.

Therefore, if you feel that Cupid's arrow is trying to break through your armour, ask yourself these questions:

Are you both ready to start a new affair?

Are you in equal positions or do any of you have more authority at the workplace?

Do you interpret flirting the same way?

What consequences should you expect if you break up?

Are you going to conceal your affair or tell everyone?

Think a little and answer. If there is time.

OVERALL!

OBSERVE DECENCIES

I know I’ve already said it, but I do it again. Your professional reputation is at stake, and before you tell everyone about your affair, you need to be firmly confident in the decency of the guy. There are also guys who like talking to office friends over a mug of beer and tell goodness knows what. You went out with him a couple of times, held hands, but he tells everyone that you run around his apartment in a negligee early in the morning, getting ready for work.

Try not to show your feelings at work. Keep your kisses and hugs away from the office or even the darkest corner of the office building.

Don’t spend your working time on off-topic chatting with your beloved one.

In any case, don’t sort things out at work.

If your romance is over, try to maintain a friendly or at least neutral relationship with your ex-partner.

 If you suddenly fell in love with your boss – and even if he’s single – then this affair may compromise your professional reputation. No one will treat you as a good employee, you’ll be a girl of the boss in their eyes. You’ll have to work twice, or even three times as hard to prove you’re an excellent specialist.

 Gues, who women are most jealous of their men? Colleagues, of course. Therefore, starting an affair with a colleague, you’ll automatically rid yourself of unnecessary fears. Your soul mate will always be within a reach of your hand. And you’ll know for sure whether he’s going on a real business trip or a made up one.

Long story short, whether you need an office romance, and what it’ll be, it's up to you!

Weight all the pros and cons and decide – to be or not to be!

You can write and analyse this topic eternally, read a bunch of opinions of psychologists and experts. But, it is best to trust your intuition and reason!

FINDING HUSBAND ISN’T A TRIVIAL THING!

Marriage doesn’t revolve around the marriage lines and a magnificent wedding. It's really hard work. Many girls divorce after a few years of marriage to make their own destiny.

Someone missed the freedom. Someone's husband drank a lot or was a bore, or low paid, or cheated. Someone is tired of his endless relatives.

A friend of mine is totally against marriage. She says: ‘I realized that I don’t want a husband or family in the future, I want to be free and alone, travel, have lovers, an apartment that I like. I don’t want this endless laundry work, cooking soups, pilaffs, etc., brain scooping, quarrels and cheating. Why on earth do women get married? It's awful!'

What is really awful is TO MAKE A MISTAKE CHOOSING A HUSBAND.

It is easy for her now, of course. She’s full of energy to create, earn money, travel, do whatever she wants. It may get harder in 40. You may want to settle down so that your lover doesn’t leave you for his family. You may want to have children and be an official wife on reception.

Of course, there are such an unpleasant thing as 'divorce' as well, but this is the topic for another book, the book that is based on the stories of divorced women.

Remember that life before and after marriage is different.

You should think carefully taking this step.

Never be afraid to remain a spinster, but at least try to get married!

I really hope that you managed to read it within fifteen minutes.

Even if you knew it before and all this is 'garbage', and you disagree with me on some points. Anyway, thanks for your fifteen minutes. Well, it can be ten, twenty or more.

And if you really want to get married.

Let you succeed!

VASTLY!

Content

Dating sites: shh! First-hand experience

Cafes, bars: can one meet a decent man?

A busy body mom: should you look closer?

Office romance: maybe?

Finding husband isn’t a trivial thing!

Ulbosyn Shaleken

How to avoid becoming a spinster?

Author of the cover: Aubakirov G.

Illustration on the cover: Gromova O.

Illustrations inside: Kim O.

Typesetting: Artykbaev M.