Australian Affairs: Wed

Jacko was shaking but, in Joe’s arms, he nestled against his bare chest, a warm ball sobbing, seeking protection and clearly trusting Joe to provide it.

‘Shh.’ Joe pressed his lips to the boy’s soft hair and caught the amazing smell of shampoo, probably baby shampoo. ‘You’re OK. I’ve got you.’

I’m your father.

The boy felt so little and warm in Joe’s arms. And so scared. A fierce wave of emotion came sweeping through Joe—a surge of painful yearning—an urge to protect this warm, precious miniature man, to keep him safe at all costs.

‘I’ve got you, little mate,’ he murmured. ‘You’re OK.’ And then he added in a soft, tentative whisper, ‘I’m your dad. I love you, Jacko.’ The words felt both alien and wonderful. And true.

‘What happened?’ Ellie’s voice demanded from the doorway. ‘I heard a crash.’

Joe turned and saw her in the dimmed light, wearing a white nightdress with tiny straps, her dark hair tumbling in soft waves about her smooth, bare shoulders. She looked beautiful beyond words and Joe’s heart almost stopped.

‘What happened?’ she asked again, coming forward. ‘Is Jacko all right?’

‘I think he’s fine, but he got a bad fright. Looks like his cot’s collapsed.’

Jacko had seen Ellie now and he lurched away from Joe, throwing out his arms and wailing, ‘Mummy!’

Joe tried not to mind that his Great Three Seconds of Fatherhood were over in a blink, or that Jacko, now safely in Ellie’s arms, looked back at him as if he were a stranger.

Ellie was staring at Joe too—staring with wide, almost popping eyes at his bare chest and at the scars on his shoulder. Joe hoped her gaze wouldn’t drop to his shorts or they’d both be embarrassed.

Abruptly, he turned, forcing his attention to the collapsed cot. It was a simple timber construction with panels of railings threaded on a metal rod and screwed into place with wing nuts. Nothing had actually broken. It seemed the thing had simply come apart.

‘Looks like the wing nuts in the corners worked loose,’ he said.

‘Oh, Lord.’ Ellie stepped forward with the boy on her hip. ‘Jacko was playing with those wing nuts the other day. He was trying to undo them, but I didn’t think he had a hope.’

‘Well, I’d say he was successful. He must have strong little fingers.’

Ellie looked at her son in disbelief and then she shook her head and gave a wry smile, her dark eyes suddenly sparkling. Joe so wished she wouldn’t smile like that, not when she was standing so close to him in an almost see-through nightdress.

‘You’re a little monkey, Jacko,’ she told the boy affectionately. Then, more businesslike, she turned to Joe. ‘I guess it shouldn’t be too hard to fix?’

‘Piece of cake.’ He picked up one of the panels. ‘A pair of pliers would be handy. The nuts need to be tight enough to stop him from doing it again.’

Ellie nodded. ‘I think I have a spare pair of pliers in the laundry, but don’t worry about it now. I’ll take Jacko back to my room. He can sleep with me for the rest of the night.’

Lucky Jacko.

From the doorway, she turned and frowned back at Joe. ‘Do you need anything? A hot drink or something to help you get back to sleep?’

She must have seen the expression on his face. She quickly dropped her gaze. ‘I keep forgetting. You’re a tough soldier. You can sleep on a pile of rocks.’

With Jacko in her arms, she hurried away, the white nightdress whispering around her smooth, shapely calves.

Joe knew he wouldn’t be sleeping.

* * *

Jacko settled quickly. He was like a little teddy bear as he snuggled close to Ellie and in no time he was asleep again. She adored her little miracle boy, and she relished this excuse to lie still and hold him, loving the way he nestled close.

Lying in the darkness, she inhaled the scent of his clean hair and listened to the soft rhythm of his breathing.

His perfection constantly amazed her.

But, tonight, it wasn’t long before she was thinking about Joe and, in a matter of moments, she felt a pain in her chest like indigestion, and then her throat was tense and aching, choked.

She kept seeing Joe’s signature on that piece of paper.

And now he was about to head off for the Southern Ocean. Surely, if he wanted adventure, he could have caught wild bulls or rogue crocodiles, or found half a dozen other dangerous activities that were closer to home?

Instead, once again, he was getting as far away from her as possible, risking his life in stormy seas and chasing international poachers, for pity’s sake.

Unhelpfully, Ellie recalled how eye-wateringly amazing Joe had looked just now, standing bare-chested in Jacko’s room. With the little boy in his arms, he’d looked so incredibly strong and muscular and protective.

Man, he was buffed.

He’d always been fit and athletic, of course, which was one of the reasons the Army had snapped him up, but now, after all the extra training and discipline, her ex-husband looked sensational.

Her ex.

The word hit her like a slug to the heart. Which was crazy. I don’t want him back. Looks aren’t everything. They’re just a distraction.

Tonight, it was all too easy to forget the pain she and Joe had been through, the constant bickering and soul-destroying negativity, the tears and the yelling. The sad truth was—the final year before their separation had been pretty close to hell on earth.

Unhappily, Ellie knew that a large chunk of the tension had been her fault. During that bleak time when she’d been so overwhelmed by her inability to get pregnant again, she’d really turned on Joe until everything he’d done had annoyed her.

Looking back, she felt so guilty. She’d been a shrew—constantly picking on Joe for the smallest things, even the way he left clothes lying around, or the way he left the lid off the toothpaste, the way he’d assumed she was happy to look after the house and the garden while he swanned off, riding his horse all over their property, enjoying all the adventurous, more important outdoor jobs, while she was left to cook and clean.

Ellie hadn’t been proud of her nagging and fault-finding. As a child, she’d hated the way her mother picked on her dad all the time, and she’d been shocked to find herself repeating that despicable pattern. But she’d become so tense and depressed she hadn’t been able to stop herself.

Naturally, Joe hadn’t accepted her insults meekly. He’d slung back as good as he got. But she’d been devastated when he finally suggested divorce.

‘It’s clear that I’m making you unhappy,’ he’d said in a cold, clipped voice she’d never heard before.

And how could Ellie deny it? She had been unhappy, and she’d taken her unhappiness out on Joe, but that hadn’t meant she wanted to be rid of him.

‘Do you really want a divorce?’ she’d asked him and, although she’d been crying on the inside, for the sake of her pride, she’d kept a brave face.

‘I think it’s the only solution,’ Joe had said. ‘We can’t go on like this. Maybe you’ll have better luck with another guy.’

She didn’t want another man, but why would Joe believe that when she’d been so obviously miserable?

‘What would you do?’ she’d asked instead. ‘Where would you go? What would we do about Karinya?’

He’d been scarily cool and detached. ‘You can make up your mind about Karinya, but I’ll apply to join the Army.’

She hadn’t known how to fight this. ‘The Army was what you wanted all along, wasn’t it? It was what you were planning before we met.’

Joe didn’t deny this.

It was then she’d known the awful truth. Falling for her had been an aberration. A distraction.

If she hadn’t been pregnant, they wouldn’t have married...

The bitter memories wrung a groan from Ellie and, beside her in the darkness, Jacko stirred, throwing out an arm and smacking her on the nose. He didn’t wake up and she rolled away, staring moodily into the black night, thinking about Joe lying in his swag on the study floor. He’d insisted on sleeping there rather than in Nina’s room.

‘It’s only for one night,’ he’d said. ‘Not worth disturbing her things.’

Ellie wondered if Joe was asleep, or whether he was also lying there thinking about their past.

Unlikely.

No doubt he was relieved to be finally and permanently free of her. He certainly wouldn’t be as mixed-up and tied in knots as she was.

* * *

Joe didn’t want to think about Ellie. She was part of his past, just as the Army was now. Every time visions of her white nightdress arrived, he forcibly erased them.

He’d signed the final papers.

Ellie. Was. No. Longer. His. Wife.

And yet...

Annoyingly, he felt a weight that felt like grief pressing on his chest. Grief for their loss, and for their failure, for their past mistakes and for how things used to be at the beginning.

And, despite his best efforts, he couldn’t stop the blasted memories.

He’d been a goner from the moment he first saw Ellie, which was pretty bizarre, given that his first sighting had been at long distance.

Ellie had been walking with her back to him at the far end of their tiny town’s one and only shopping street. And, from the start, there’d been something inescapably alluring about her. The glossy swing of her dark hair and the jaunty sway of her neat butt in long-legged blue jeans had completely captured his attention.

Of course, it was totally the worst time for Joe to become romantically entangled. He’d been on the brink of joining the Army. After struggling unsuccessfully to find his place in the large Madden family, overrun with strapping sons, he’d been lured by the military’s promise of adventure and danger.

So, on that day that was etched forever in his memory, he should have been able to ignore Ellie’s attractions. He should have finished his errands in town and headed back to their cattle property. And perhaps he would have done that if Jerry Bray hadn’t chosen that exact moment to step out of the stock and station agency to speak to Ellie.

Jealousy was a strange and fierce emotion, Joe swiftly discovered. He hadn’t even met this girl, hadn’t yet seen her front-on, hadn’t discovered the bewitching sparkle in her eyes. And yet he was furious with Jerry for chatting her up.

To Joe’s huge relief, Jerry’s boss interrupted his employee’s clumsy attempts at flirtation and called him back inside.

Alone once more, Ellie continued on to the Bluebird Café, and this was a golden opportunity Joe couldn’t let pass.

After a carefully calculated interval, he followed her into the café, found her sitting alone at one of the tables, drinking a milkshake and engrossed in a women’s magazine.

She looked up when he walked in and Joe saw her face for the first time. Saw her eyes, the same lustrous dark brown as her hair, saw her finely arched eyebrows, her soft pale skin, the sweet curve of her mouth, her neat chin. She was even lovelier than he’d imagined.

And then she smiled.

And zap. Joe was struck by the proverbial lightning flash. His skin was on fire, his heart was a skyrocket.

‘So what d’ya want?’ asked Bob Browne, the café’s proprietor.

Joe stared at him blankly, unable, for a moment, to think. It was as if his mind had been wiped clean by the dark-eyed girl’s smile.

Bob gave a knowing smirk and rolled his eyes. ‘She’s not on the menu.’

Ignoring this warning, Joe shrugged and ordered a hamburger and a soft drink. Unable to help himself, he crossed the café to the girl’s table. ‘Hi,’ he said.

‘Hello.’ This time, when she smiled, he saw the most fetching dimple.

‘You must be new around here. I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Joe Madden.’

‘Ellie Saxby,’ she supplied without hesitation.

Ellie Saxby. Ellie. Had there ever been a more delightful name?

‘Are you staying around here?’ he asked super-casually.

‘I’m working for the Ashtons. As a jillaroo.’

Better and better.

There was a spare chair at Ellie Saxby’s table. ‘OK if I sit here?’ Joe was again carefully, casually polite.

Ellie rewarded him with another dazzling smile. ‘Sure.’

Her eyes were shining, her cheeks flushed. The atmosphere was so electric, Joe felt as if he was walking on clouds.

And yet there was nothing remarkable about that first conversation. Joe was too dazed to think of anything very clever to say. But he and Ellie chatted easily about where they lived and why they’d come to town.

By the time his hamburger arrived, he was halfway in love with Ellie and she was giving out all the right signals. They left the café together and Joe walked with her to her vehicle.

They exchanged phone numbers and Ellie remained standing beside her car, as if she wasn’t ready to drive away.

She looked so alluring, with her sparkling eyes and shiny hair, her soft skin and pretty mouth.

Joe had never been particularly forward with girls, but he found himself saying, ‘Look, I know we’ve just met, and this out of line, but I really need to—’

He didn’t even finish the sentence. He simply leaned in and kissed her. Ellie tasted as fresh as spring and, to his amazed relief, she returned his kiss with just the right level of enthusiasm, and a simple hello, exploratory kiss became the most thrilling, most electrifying kiss ever.

It was the start of a whirlwind romance. Before the week was out, he and Ellie had found an excuse to meet again and, within the first month, they drove together to Rockhampton for dinner and a movie, followed by a night in a motel, which proved to be a night of blazing, out of this world passion.

When Ellie discovered she was pregnant, Joe had to make a quick decision. Ellie or the Army?

No contest.

In a blinding flash of clarity, he knew without question that his plan to join the Army had been a crazy idea. In Ellie he’d found his true reason for being. He asked her to marry him and, to his delight, she readily agreed.

The ink on their marriage certificate was barely dry before they headed north in search of their very own cattle property and the start of their bright new happy-ever-after.

When Ellie miscarried three weeks after they’d moved into Karinya, they’d been deeply disappointed but, in the long run, not too downhearted. After all, they were young and healthy and strong and in love.

But it was the start of a downhill run. A diagnosis of endometriosis had followed. Joe had never even heard of this condition, let alone understood how it could blight such a fit and healthy girl. Ellie was vivacious, bursting with energy and life and yet, over the next few years, she was slowly dragged down.

He remembered finding her slumped over the kitchen table, her face streaked with tears.

He’d touched her gently on the shoulder, stroked her hair. ‘Don’t let it get you down, Ellie. It’ll be OK. We’ll be OK.’

We still have each other, he’d wanted to say.

But she’d whirled on him, her face red with fury. ‘How can you say that? How can you possibly know we’ll be OK? I’m sorry, Joe, but that’s just a whitewash, and it makes me so mad!’

She’d lost all hope, had no faith in him or their future.

He’d felt helpless.

Now, with hindsight, he could see the full picture. He and Ellie had rushed at marriage like lemmings to a cliff, expecting to build a lasting relationship—for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health—having based these expectations on little more than blazing lust.

It was his fault.

Joe had always known that. Looking back, it was blindingly obvious that he hadn’t courted Ellie properly. They hadn’t taken anywhere near enough time to get to know each other as friends before they became life partners. They hadn’t even fully explored their hopes and dreams before they’d embarked on marriage.

They’d simply been lovers, possessed by passion, a heady kind of madness. And Ellie had found herself trapped by that first pregnancy.

Small wonder their marriage had hit the rocks as soon as the seas got rough and, instead of offering Ellie comfort, Joe had taken refuge, working long hard hours in Karinya’s paddocks—fencing, building dams, mustering and branding cattle. Later he’d joined the Army. Had that been a kind of refuge as well?

Whatever. It was too late for an extensive post-mortem. Tomorrow he’d be leaving again and Ellie would finally be free. He wished he felt better about that.

CHAPTER FOUR

NEXT MORNING IT was raining harder than ever.

Out of habit, Ellie woke early and slipped out of bed, leaving Jacko curled asleep. She dressed quickly and went to the kitchen and, to her surprise Joe was already up, dressed and drinking a mug of tea.

He turned and greeted her with only the faintest trace of a smile. ‘Morning.’

‘Good morning.’ Ellie flicked the kettle to bring it back to the boil and looked out of the window at the wall of thick grey rain. ‘It’s been raining all night. You won’t want to waste time getting over the river.’

Joe nodded. ‘I’ll need to get going, but I’m worried about you and Jacko. You could be cut off.’

‘Yeah, well, that happens most wet seasons.’ She reached for a mug and a tea bag. ‘I’m used to it and we’re well stocked up.’

Joe was frowning, and Ellie wondered if frowning was his new default expression.

‘It’s hardly an ideal situation,’ he said. ‘A woman and a little child, isolated and alone out here. It’s crazy. What if Jacko gets sick or injured?’

‘Crikey, Joe. Since when has that worried you? We’ve been living here since he was born, you know.’

‘But you haven’t been cut off by flood waters.’

‘I have, actually.’

He glared at her, and an emotion halfway between anger and despair shimmered in his eyes.

Ellie tried for nonchalance as she poured boiling water into her mug.

Joe cleared his throat. ‘I think I should stay.’

Startled, Ellie almost scalded herself. ‘You mean stay here with us?’

‘Just till the river goes down again.’

‘Joe, we’re divorced.’

His blue eyes glittered. ‘I’m aware of that.’

‘And...and it’s almost Christmas.’ Last night they’d struggled through an unbearably strained meal together. They couldn’t possibly manage something as festive as Christmas.

Ellie was supposed to be spending Christmas Day with her neighbours and good friends, the Andersons, although, if the creek stayed high, as well as the river, that might not be an option.

Of course, her mother had originally wanted her to go home to New South Wales, but Ellie had declined on several grounds. Number one—she wasn’t comfortable around her stepfather, for reasons her mother had turned a deaf ear to. As well as that, up until yesterday, she’d been dealing, ironically, with drought. Her priority had been the state of her cattle—and then clearing things up with Joe.

The Joe factor was well and truly sorted, and sharing Christmas with him would be a disaster. Being divorced and forced to stay together would be a thousand times bigger strain than being married and apart.

‘There’s absolutely no need for you to stay, Joe. I really don’t think it’s a good idea.’

‘It was just a suggestion,’ he said tightly. ‘I was only thinking of your safety.’

‘Thanks. That’s thoughtful.’ Feeling awkward, Ellie fiddled with the handle of her tea mug. ‘You know drought and floods are part and parcel of living in this country.’

With a brief shrug, Joe drained his mug and placed it in the sink. ‘I should head off then, before the river gets any higher.’

‘But you haven’t had breakfast.’

‘As you pointed out, it wouldn’t be wise to wait. It’s been raining all night and the river’s rising every minute. I’ve packed the solicitor’s papers. I’ll drop them in at Bligh’s office.’

‘Right.’ Ellie set her tea mug aside, no longer able to drink it.

Joe’s duffel bag was already packed and zipped, and the swag he’d used for sleeping on the study floor was neatly rolled and strapped. Seemed the Army had turned him into a neat freak.

‘I’ve also fixed Jacko’s cot,’ he said.

‘You must have got up early.’

Without answering, he reached for his duffel bag and swung it over one shoulder. ‘I wasn’t sure where to put the Christmas presents, so I stowed them under the desk in the study. Hope that’s OK?’

‘That...that’s fine, thanks, Joe.’ Ellie wished she didn’t feel quite so downbeat. ‘I hope you haven’t spoiled Jacko with too many presents.’

She winced as she said this. She didn’t really mind how many presents Joe had bought. This was one of his few chances to play the role of a father. She’d been trying for a light-hearted comment and had totally missed the mark.

Now, Joe’s cold, hollow laugh chilled her to the bone.

His face seemed to be carved from stone as he turned to leave. ‘Well, all the best, Ellie.’

‘Hang on. I’ll wake Jacko so you can say goodbye to him, too.’

‘Don’t disturb him.’

‘You’ve got to say goodbye.’ Ellie was close to tears. ‘Actually, we’ll come out to the river crossing with you. We can follow you in the ute. Just in case there’s a problem.’

‘There won’t be a problem.’

To her dismay, her tears were threatening to fall. ‘Joe, humour me. I want to see you safely off this property.’

For the first time, a faint smile glimmered. ‘Of course you do.’

* * *

Ellie parked on a ridge above the concrete causeway that crossed the river and peered through the rain at the frothing, muddy flood rushing below.

She could see the bright blue of Joe’s hire car parked just above the waterline and his dark-coated figure standing on the bank, hands on hips as he studied the river.

‘I think it’s already too high,’ she said glumly to Jacko. The river level was much, much higher than she’d expected. Clearly, the waters from the north had already reached them overnight.

She felt a flurry of panic. Did this mean that Joe would have to stay with them for Christmas after all? How on earth would they cope with the strain?

Even as she wondered this, Joe took off his coat, tossed it back into his vehicle, then began to walk back to the swirling current.

He wasn’t going in there, surely?

‘Joe!’ Ellie yelled, leaping out of the ute. ‘Don’t be mad. You can’t go in there.’

He showed no sign that he’d heard her. No doubt he was as keen to leave her as she was to see him go, but marching into a racing torrent was madness.

Ellie rushed down the track. ‘Joe, stop!’ The river was mud-brown and seething. ‘You can’t go in there,’ she panted as she reached him.

He scowled and shook his head. ‘It’s OK. I just need to check the condition of the crossing and the depth. It’s too risky to drive straight in there, but I can at least test it on foot. I’ll be careful. I think it’s still shallow enough to get the car across.’

‘But look how fast the water’s running. I know you’re keen to get away, but you don’t have to play the tough hero now, Joe.’ Knowing how stubborn he could be, she tried for a joke. ‘I don’t want to have to tell Jacko that his father was a moron who was washed away trying to cross a flooded river.’

Joe’s blue eyes flashed through the sheeting rain. ‘I’ve been trained to stay alive, not to take senseless risks.’ He jerked his head towards the ute. ‘If you’re worried about Jacko, you should get back up there and stay with him.’

Ellie threw up her hands in despair. She’d more or less encouraged, or rather urged, Joe to leave. But as she stood there debating how to stop her ex from risking his neck, she heard her little son calling to her.

‘Go to him,’ ordered Joe.

Utterly wretched, she began to walk back up the slope, turning every step to look over her shoulder as Joe approached the river. By the time she reached the ute, Joe was already in the water and in no time he was up to his knees.

Anxiously, she watched as he carefully felt the ground in front of him with one foot. He edged forward but, despite the obvious care he was taking, a sudden swift surge in the current buffeted him, making him sidestep to regain his balance.