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His ploy worked. Jane’s lips twitched slightly, and some of the anxiety retreated from her eyes. “No.” She sighed. “I’m frightened of what happened at Maxwell’s, after I became aware of the music.”
Matt squeezed her hand. “You thought it was May. Most people would be irritated by having the holiday buying season forced upon them in late spring. It’s bad enough that Halloween is barely—”
Jane shook her head. “It wasn’t just the timing. It was the idea of Christmas itself that irritated me. No. Infuriated me.” She took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. “When the salesclerk suggested I might like to get a cup of coffee, eggnog flavored to be specific, I informed her that I hated the stuff.”
“Then, why did you try to drink it later?”
“Because I don’t want to hate anything about Christmas.”
“What about last Christmas? Did you like it then?”
“I had a cold and couldn’t really taste or smell it. Besides, disliking eggnog isn’t the worst part. When I realized that it was indeed the day after Thanksgiving and that I had been Christmas shopping, I actually shuddered with revulsion.”
As she finished speaking, a tiny tremor shook her slender form.
Matt smiled. “You zeem to have a very zerious zyndrome, young lady. You are afraid zat in your past you ver Ebenezer Scrooge, or ze Grinch Who Stole Christmas. Is zer a cure for ziz, Doctor Zeffarelli?”
He turned to Zoe, but she didn’t look at him.
“Jane,” the woman said softly. “I have spoken with many people who have issues with Christmas. Most feel overwhelmed at the idea of adding shopping, wrapping and parties to already incredibly busy lives. Some feel that commercial aspects overpower the spiritual meaning of the season. And many are plagued with childhood memories of Christmas involving deprivation or, worse, abuse. Sometimes, the effort to put on a show of good cheer is such an effort for these people that they end up resenting everything about the holiday.”
Matt felt his smile grow tight.
“That makes no sense,” Jane said, “I had a wonderful time last Christmas with your cousin’s family in Maine, tromping through the forest to chop down the tree, then decorating it with the popcorn and cranberries I’d helped string, wrapping the gifts I’d made and walking over glittering snow on the way to midnight Mass.”
Matt was relieved when Jane brought her Currier and Ives reminiscences to an end. With each new jolly image, his muscles had tensed further. The smile faded from his lips and he glanced away from Jane’s features, where the glow of remembered joy warred with an expression of annoyance.
“Yes,” Zoe replied. “But we were in a very small town, not a large city. She turned to Matt. “Does this description sound like any of the Christmases you remember?”
He forced his smile to widen. “Well, certainly not the snowy part. However, my McDermott cousins do have a party every year, where whoever wants to can string popcorn.”
Zoe’s sharp glance suggested she was going to ask him another question. Instead, she gave her head a little shake and turned to Jane.
“When you insisted on going downtown today, I warned you about the crowds. That might be what set you off, so it is best you put your worries out of your mind until you remember more of your past.”
“I’ve got a question about that, Zoe,” Matt said. “I think I might be familiar with the beach Jane described. Do you think it would help her to remember more if I took her there?”
“Well, the senses, that of smell in particular, are known to have a powerful effect upon the memory. Jane, how do you feel about a trip to the beach with Matt?”
Jane wasn’t sure how she felt about anything at that moment. Other than completely exhausted. A profound sense of weariness had banished the tension in her muscles, leaving her with barely the strength to remain upright with her eyes open.
“That would be fine,” she replied at last.
Matt stood. Jane managed to look up just as he smiled and said, “Good. I need to speak with Jack on a few matters in the morning, but I can be here at eleven.”
On the one hand, Jane told herself as she pulled the door to her studio apartment behind her, it had been wonderful seeing Matt Sullivan again. Aside from the fact that he was every bit as handsome as she remembered, she’d yet to meet anyone with the same knack for making her laugh, even when she didn’t particularly want to. But still, her insides were in knots over the idea of going anywhere with him.
Jane took a deep breath as she started down the flower-print runner that carpeted the stairway.
On the other hand, she wasn’t sure she wanted anyone to read her all that well. When Manny’s death and Matt’s injuries had pulled those two men out of her life, she had looked for someone to take their place—someone she could trust with her thoughts, hopes, fears. The person she had chosen had used those things against her, so now the idea of trusting anyone made her stomach twist and brought a sour lump to her throat.
And, after the way she’d behaved in Maxwell’s, she wasn’t even sure she could trust herself.
When Jane reached the foyer, she moved to the small window to the left of the front door and stared at the street below. She wouldn’t want to even know the tense, dismissive person she had become for those few moments the day before, let alone be like that. How would Matt Sullivan feel about her if today’s trip to the beach happened to bring out that “dark side” of her personality?
“Ah, there you are—”
Jane turned as Zoe stepped out of her office.
“You look like someone who was about to be led into the lion’s den, or some other horrible fate, instead of what is supposed to be, as they say, a day at the beach.”
Jane drew a deep breath and released it in a quick whoosh. “I know. I am looking forward to spending some time at the ocean again. It’s just that I have some figures to finish, special orders I got when I stopped in at The Gift Box yesterday, you know, and I want to get to work on that new line of elves I started.”
“And you are frightened of what you might remember, of what you might learn about yourself.”
Jane hesitated, then nodded.
Zoe placed a hand on Jane’s shoulder. “My girl, I see patients every day who are afraid of the same thing. People with perfectly good memories, you understand, who have nevertheless built up layer upon layer of fear and denial, until they no longer know where they begin or end—in other words, who they are. They come to therapists like me when they discover that ignoring their pain has become more frightening than facing it.”
“How do they do that?”
“One step at a time. I tell them what I will tell you now. Life tests you only when you have enough strength to rise to the challenge.”
The sound of a car engine drew Jane’s attention to the window. In the driveway below, she saw Matt get out of his black Jeep. Her heart began to pound as he started up the stairs. She turned to Zoe.
“How do you know if you have that strength?”
The corners of the woman’s eyes crinkled. “When life tests you, of course.”
Jane surprised herself by laughing. “Dabbling in Zen, are you?”
“Whatever works,” Zoe replied with a shrug.
At the solid knock on the door, Jane pivoted and pulled it open, then froze—just as she had when she’d seen Matt yesterday, framed in the doorway leading to Maxwell’s security office.
He was, as the saying went, larger than life. Not just because his height topped six feet by several inches, that his shoulders were broad, or that his nearly black hair intensified the sea-green of his eyes. Those physical attributes were formidable, certainly, but the element that sent her heart racing had more to do with the quiet power in his stance, the undeniable cocky tilt to his mouth, and the sudden light of appreciation that swept her form, washing her body with heat.
“Looks like you’ve decided to rise to the challenge,” he said.
“Challenge?”
Jane cringed inwardly at the breathless way the word came out, but Matt’s simple nod suggested he hadn’t noticed.
“You appear to be dressed for a day outside. I assume that means you’ve decided to accompany me and see if we can’t track down the source of that memory of yours, and perhaps scare up some more.”
Although Jane felt a shiver coming on, she found herself giving him a wry smile. “I guess so. Scare being the operative word.”
Matt stepped forward and took her hand in one swift motion. As Jane looked into his eyes, she was aware of the strength of his grip, the warmth of his skin on hers and the reassuring determination in his gaze.
“No matter what happens today,” he said quietly. “I have no doubt that you’ll rise to the occasion.”
“Have you and Zoe been comparing notes on how to handle me?”
When Matt looked quizzical, Jane explained. “She was just bolstering my courage with very similar words. So—” she drew a quick breath “—yes, I’m ready to see if we can find the gate leading to memory lane.”
“All right. Get your jacket and we’ll be off.”
“A jacket? It’s beautiful out.”
“Sun or no sun, the wind on the coast can be quite chilly. You need a jacket.”
With a nod, Jane turned. Matt watched her cross the foyer and start up the stairs, then noticed the way her sneaker-clad feet bounced off each step as she lightly ran up. It seemed like yesterday that he and Manny had escorted Jane, enveloped in a navy sweat suit that only served to emphasize her extreme thinness, to the hospital’s physical therapy department.
Lying in bed for a month, comatose, had given the pelvic fracture she’d suffered in the accident time to heal, but the inactivity had left her as weak as a baby—she was going to have to learn to walk all over again. He and Manny had watched like proud parents as she gripped waist-high parallel bars, then wobbled like a newborn colt as she slowly made her way down the length of the track.
There was nothing spindly or wobbly about Jane now, Matt noticed as she neared the landing. The cut of her faded jeans hugged slender but shapely legs, and her hips had rounded into decidedly womanly curves.
“She has grown much in the past year.”
Zoe’s words made Matt realize where his thoughts had been leading. He turned to the older woman, aware his face had grown uncomfortably warm.
“It seems she has done exactly what she said she would,” he said. “Created a life for herself, on her terms.”
“Yes, she has. She has turned her lack of memory from a handicap to a strength.”
“How so?”
“With no preconceived concept of what she could or could not do, she approaches each challenge with an open mind, along with the assumption that she can succeed.”
Matt mulled this over. “After her accident, one of Jane’s doctors told a reporter that the bruising her brain took may have resulted in permanent memory loss. Do you agree with that assessment?”
Zoe shook her head. “No.”
“Well, Jane mentioned that you haven’t been pushing her to regain her memory. Do you think it’s wrong for me to encourage Jane to remember her past?”
“Not at all. Jane was disheartened when the hypnosis sessions in the hospital were unsuccessful. It would have been cruelty on my part to force her repeatedly to search her memory, only to encounter emptiness. But yesterday’s incident indicates that her mind, and perhaps her spirit as well, has recovered to the point that she can access and, more importantly, accept whatever she remembers.”
Hearing the sound of feet on the stairs above, Matt asked quickly, “Do you have any suggestions about how to handle this? Do I get her to relax, like you did yesterday? Or should I try to push her into remembering?”
Zoe seemed to consider his question for several seconds before she shrugged her shoulders and replied, “Try one first. If that doesn’t work, try the other.”
“All right, now,” Matt said. “I want you to close your eyes and keep them that way until I tell you differently.”
It had taken Matt and Jane over an hour to cross the Golden Gate Bridge and drive up Highway One. After turning on a road leading west, Matt had pulled onto the side of the road, then turned to face Jane before issuing his order.
“Close my eyes?” she repeated.
“Yes. And keep them shut.”
“I thought we came here so I could identify the beach I saw in my memory. I can hardly do that with my eyes closed.”
“No, the prime objective here is to provoke further memories. Although your description was pretty sketchy, I’m fairly certain I have the right place. Remember, I grew up surfing these beaches.”
“So, you think it will be more effective to lead me to the area, then spring it on me all at once.”
“Exactly. Ready? Close your eyes.”
Once Jane had obeyed his order, Matt put the Jeep in drive. Several minutes later, he turned onto the road that would lead them to Limantour Beach. It took him beneath a canopy of cypress trees, then wound down through a sea of golden grass and a crescent of sand that arched to the right, ending at the foot of a sheer cliff that jutted out to the sea.
“Tell me,” he said, “just how do you create these magical dolls of yours.”
“Well, I sculpt the faces, hands and feet from a polymer clay, which hardens in the oven. The bodies are made of wire and stuffing, held together with fabric bodies. But they aren’t meant to be played with, like dolls. They’re collectibles.”
Matt glanced at her. “People collect elves?”
“People collect all sorts of things, it seems. Zoe’s cousin Clara in Maine makes very realistic little men, women and children. She creates three or four new characters each year, and collectors from all over the country buy her numbered pieces.”
“Nice of her to teach you to do this.”
“Well, actually, she’s published a book on her technique. I used it as a jumping-off point to create my own little world, and I assume others do that, too.”
Matt downshifted as he neared the dirt parking lot. “I had no idea there was such a market for…”
“Fantasy figures?” Jane finished for him. “I didn’t, either, but Clara took a few of my pieces to one of the stores that carry her things, and mine sold out right away. So, I made more when I got back to San Francisco, got a few specialty shops to carry them, then participated in a couple of craft fairs this summer, and the thing just mushroomed. Since July I’ve been really busy. I decided to adapt my faces to create special Santas and his little helpers in place of woodland elves and make angels instead of fairies. That’s one of the reasons I was downtown yesterday. I delivered some of these to a place called The Gift Box, and they asked me to make even more.”
“It seems you’ve become quite the businesswoman,” Matt said as he pulled into a parking space overlooking the beach, then added teasingly, “I hope you have someone you trust keeping your books.”
He switched off the engine and turned to Jane.
“I suppose,” she said in a mock huff, “that crack was a veiled reference to my mathematical abilities.”
“No,” Matt said as he opened his door. “It’s a direct reference to your decided lack of said abilities.”
Before Jane could respond to this allusion to what he and Manny had termed her “numerical dyslexia,” Matt slid from his seat and said, “Stay where you are,” before snapping his door shut and stepping around to her side of the car.
“I’ll have you know,” she said the moment he opened her door, “that I have managed to master math. The important stuff, at any rate. I can add, subtract, divide, multiply and figure fractions with the best. The rest is superfluous. The idea of adding a’s and b’s and coming up with x’s is an exercise in futility, if you ask me.”
Matt hooked his hand over the top of the door’s frame, noticing the way Jane’s closed eyes wrinkled as she blindly reached for the buckle of her seat belt. That intense concentration of hers was a wonder to behold. It was the secret, he suspected, behind her swift recovery from the sort of injuries that had kept muscular linebackers out of commission far longer than they had this delicately boned girl.
Woman, he corrected himself when, freed of her seat belt, Jane pivoted toward him, slid out of her seat, then stumbled into his arms.
For the second time in two days Matt found himself holding her close to him. For one moment, he wondered if he could somehow absorb the joy that seemed to emanate from her, even when she was frightened. He had once responded to life that way, too, thrilled by the surge of adrenaline that came with walking the tightrope between safety and danger. He hadn’t experienced that since leaving the hospital.
Until yesterday—when he’d walked into Maxwell’s security office and gone to Jane’s defense.
And now, the idea that Jane had begun to remember, that there was a chance he might solve a crime that had its origins back in the days before Manny died, before he had given up the career he loved, seemed to promise that he could reawaken the passion he’d brought to his old job.
Slowly, as Matt continued to hold Jane, he became aware of the awakening of a different sort of passion, the kind that heated his body, tempted him to tighten his arms around the woman he was holding, to lower his mouth to kiss lips that were still softly parted with surprise.
He just as quickly became aware of how inappropriate it was to feel this way toward the subject of an investigation.
After checking to see that Jane had gained her footing, he released her and stepped back in one quick motion. Instantly, her eyes flew open, surprised and tinged with hurt.
A second later she shut her eyes and muttered, “Sorry,” in a voice more husky than usual.
Damn. Matt’s jaw tightened. Keeping his distance from Jane Ashbury was going to be a challenge, and today it might even prove to be a conflict of interest.
Yesterday he had watched Zoe carefully. Today he’d planned to copy the therapist’s methods, get Jane to relax in the hope that this would release those trapped memories of hers. Something told him that brusquely stepping away from her wasn’t the best way to go about this.
Or keep himself sane.
Chapter Five
“I didn’t see anything,” Jane said. Not sure her tone was light enough, she smiled wryly and said, “Well, other than you.”
A moment of silence followed Jane’s words. Then she heard Matt chuckle before he replied, “Good. But if you had seen the beach, it would have been my fault for not thinking to guide you out of the seat. I’ll do better now.” His hands tightened on her shoulders as he went on. “I need you to step to the left—I’m sorry, that would be your right—so I can close the door.”
Jane responded to his directions, sidestepping, then standing still when he requested. She heard the slam of the door, then the click of the key in the lock, all the while silently cursing herself for feeling so damn vulnerable.
She had to admit, it had felt wonderful, standing within Matt’s strong arms for those few moments, feeling his warmth envelop her, his strength support her. Sometimes she got so blasted tired of taking care of herself, pushing to become a woman of independent means who needed to rely on no one.
Of course, when he’d pushed her away it had become clear that she couldn’t afford to grow accustomed to that sort of feeling.
“Here—” Matt’s deep voice broke into her thoughts. “Take my hand.”
Matt’s fingers had barely brushed hers when she pulled her arm away and said, “I can manage myself.”
“No, you can’t.” Again he chuckled. “You remind me of my two-year-old cousin who’s always insisting, ‘Me do it.’ The path down the beach is uneven. If you don’t want to trip and fall, you’ll let me hold your hand and guide you.”
Jane hesitated. When she nodded, Matt’s large hand closed over hers, gave it a tug, and she began to walk. It took a few moments to focus on the sound of his feet on the sand so she could walk beside him instead of being towed down the path. With each step she grew even more aware of the strength and warmth radiating from the man at her side.
“Do we have far to walk?” she wondered out loud.
“Not really,” he replied. “You all right? Warm enough?”
His question brought Jane’s attention to the brisk breeze ruffling her hair and cooling her cheeks. “Yes, thanks to your suggestion.”
She touched the lapel of her dark blue fleece jacket to indicate her meaning. Matt didn’t reply, and for several minutes the only sound was the crunch of the sand beneath their feet and the occasional crash of a wave some distance in front of her. The silence seemed to beg to be filled, and Jane asked the first question that came to mind.
“Why did Detective Wilcox call you the Lone Ranger yesterday?”
More silence. Then Matt replied, “It was my nickname on the force. Until I was partnered with Manny, I preferred to work on my own whenever possible.”
“Why?”
“Just a quirk of my nature, I guess.”
Jane took a few steps before she said softly, “You miss him a lot, don’t you.”
For several seconds she heard only the sibilant whisper of waves breaking gently on the shore.
“Yeah, I do,” he said quietly, then his voice drew stronger. “Fortunately, my cousin Jack understands how I work. And I understand him. He’s always been drawn to the mystery aspect of law enforcement—tracking down the clues, hence his nickname—Sherlock Holmes—while I like the chase. We make a good team.”
“Do you charge a lot?”
“We try to keep our fees reasonable.”
“How much, exactly? Say, to find a murderer?”
Matt was quiet for a moment. “If you’re thinking of paying me, forget it. I want to find out who tried to kill you for myself as much as for you. Now—” he stopped walking “—we’re here. I want you to turn, like so. Take a deep breath, relax and take a look when you’re ready.”
Jane did as Matt ordered. When she opened her eyes, she was staring at a pale green sea beneath a watery blue sky.
“What do you think?” Matt asked. “Is this the place?”
Jane studied the seascape before her. “Well, the cliff over on the right does match the image I remember. But the colors of the sky and water are more washed out. And the waves were bigger, more aggressive than these.”
“Yeah, well, the waves here tend to be pretty anemic, from a surfer’s point of view,” Matt said slowly. “The beach faces southwest, so they come in at an angle, instead of bowling right into the shore. But try just staring at the water for a while, relax and see if anything comes.”
Jane gave him what she hoped was a cheerful smile. Yeah, right, she thought. Watching the curling surf was one thing. Relaxing? Now, that was another matter altogether. How was she supposed to relax when she knew the man standing next to her was waiting anxiously for something to happen—something, moreover, that she wasn’t sure she even wanted to come about.
However, Matt deserved her help in his quest for justice. Drawing a salt-laden breath, she released it, then repeated the action as she gazed straight ahead. She managed to breathe some softness into muscles tingling with awareness of Matt—but no memories came.
Finally she shook her head and turned to Matt. She caught his expression of disappointment before he had a chance to smile and shrug. Jane wasn’t fooled. She knew she’d let him down. This man, who had cheered all her efforts to walk again, to recover knowledge she’d forgotten; who had held her as she sobbed when that last disappointment had made her vow to stop searching for her past, stop trying to figure out who people wanted her to be.
The idea that she had failed Matt made Jane want to cry, something she hadn’t done since that day nearly sixteen months ago—something she wasn’t going to do now. As she had so many times since, Jane hardened the ache in her heart to anger.
“I’m sorry,” she said as she stepped away from him. “This isn’t working. I really don’t want to remember my past. For all I know, I was a thief, or a drug dealer, or something worse. After all, what does it say about the person I was that someone hated me enough to attempt to kill me?”