Help Your Baby to Sleep

Listening to Your Baby

Take some time to get to know your baby and yourself. Do whatever feels right – gaze into your baby’s eyes, massage his tiny body (more about this in Chapter 8), sing songs, tickle, talk about life, the washing up and the cat, but especially listen and respond to what your baby has to say. Once you and your baby know each other well he can feel how much you love him, and he will be quicker to respond to you. And you can relax, because you know that, whatever happens, he can cope and that you will be there to support him while he does.

‘I really don’t think I was in tune with Laura as a baby. I don’t remember knowing when she wanted feeding, when she wanted sleep. I think I relied on mum more for interpreting her cries. It got worse as I got more fatigued. I had a honeymoon period between three and five months, but then I got postnatal depression.’

Sally, mother of Laura and Annie

Listening to Yourself

If you feel ambivalent about your baby’s sleeping patterns it may be because you haven’t acknowledged what your own needs are.

‘It would be funny if I wasn’t so tired. The other day I was watching him through closed eyes so he couldn’t see that I was awake. He was sitting in bed in between us and just playing and then he looked around and realized that we were both asleep, or so he thought, and he reached over and hit Mike on the back. Mike turned over and mumbled something to him and then fell back asleep. So, Jonathan turned towards me and whacked me until I “woke up”. I thought “Who’s running the show here?” I don’t know. I’d like to have our bed back but Jonathan really seems to need to be with us.’

Sarah, mother of Jonathan, aged seven months

Sometimes practical problems cloud the issue further:

‘I tried to put her in her cot but she didn’t sleep for long. I just didn’t leave her for long. I couldn’t get a routine because I had the other children, and sometimes I was doing different things. She ended up being in our bed and I think I wanted her there. I kept giving her targets. I said: “By the time I get to six weeks she’ll be on her own.” So I felt under pressure a lot of the time. I felt I was letting Pete down. He’s not pushy at all, but every so often he jokes about it.’

Kim, mother of Camlo, five, Evie, two, and Eden, nine months

And sometimes the way we live our lives stops us doing what we want even when we are sure what is for the best.

‘When Bernard was seven weeks old my step-daughter came to live with us. As we only have two bedrooms and our lodger had the second, my step-daughter slept in the sitting-room. This meant I couldn’t bring Bernard downstairs if he woke up. So, because my partner works long hours I would put him to me immediately so he didn’t disturb my partner’s rest. Now our lodger has moved out, my step-daughter is in the second bedroom and I can again use the sitting room at night.’

Clare

You and Your Baby’s Needs

Part of the job of becoming a family is to discover what you all need. Some parents meet their own needs vicariously by letting their baby’s needs come first. This is how Pauline and leremy, parents of Hannah, Joshua and Martha, like things,

‘Martha has three or four stories and then one of us sits beside her bed until she is asleep, or outside her room, depending on her wishes.’

And Caroline, mother of four, says:

‘I didn’t have my children to ignore them. The health visitor just didn’t understand that. She kept saying “What about you, what about you?” Well, I’m sorry, but my children come first.’

Other mothers recognize that they need to meet their own needs first. Ruth, mother of less, four, and Alice, two, knew she needed her sleep:

‘I knew I had to work so they had to sleep. My going to work is not negotiable and I cannot function if I haven’t slept. Both of my children have slept through the night from four to six weeks. From very early on I’ve put them down awake – from five, six, seven weeks. You could always rely on feeding them to sleep, but I decided I wasn’t going to do that any more. I take them upstairs and I’m down in 15 seconds. A kiss and in the cot. I don’t believe that any child needs to be fed and comforted every hour-and-a-half, and I’d be very unaccepting of a child like that. I believe there’s a range of needs, but I don’t believe that a baby has needs in the middle of the night. I think the lack of ambiguity is crucial – if they feel that they can stay awake then they will.’

If you know you can’t manage on five hours interrupted sleep a night, and want to do something about it, you shouldn’t feel guilty. On the other hand, if your own needs are met by being available for your baby through the night then there is no reason that you should feel that those who choose a different method are doing a better job.

Certainly your baby needs to feel secure before he can sleep. But his security comes in part from your loving, relaxed predictability – not just from your presence. You don’t have to be there when he goes to sleep and you don’t have to leave him either.

What is essential is that you communicate your needs clearly, negotiate ground rules and stick to them. Don’t try to be nice or to please. If you have to grin and bear it, something’s wrong.

Discovering Boundaries

In the early days many mothers find that they love the enveloping closeness of their relationship with their baby.

‘When I fed Rachel and she sucked and slept a little and then sucked some more I didn’t ever want it to end I just felt so complete – like we were still a part of each other and that Rob was some protective giant.’

Kate

For others, unclear boundaries are more difficult.

‘The first months with Bryana were shattering and confusing. I’d waited so long to have her, but somehow it didn’t feel right. I couldn’t connect with what I felt I should be feeling as a mother. All the time I was sitting and “calmly” feeding in my mind I was frantically thinking how to be off doing something else.’

Rose

After the first few weeks or months many mothers feel ready to put a little more space between themselves and their baby and many fathers are equally ready to develop an increasing sense of their place in the relationship. Many babies move from sleeping in their parents’ room to sleeping alone at this time. Yet sometimes, and especially when you haven’t found becoming a parent a smooth ride, it’s hard to find comfortable new boundaries between you, your partner and your baby. Sometimes it can feel almost impossible either to put your baby in his cot and leave him to sleep or to have him in your bed without feeling guilty.

Saying goodnight to your baby can stir up ambivalent and powerful feelings, which may be difficult to face.

Sleep Problems May Occur When…

• You feel anxious

• You feel isolated

• You have postnatal depression

• You hadn’t planned this baby

• You don’t love this baby

• You feel as though you are abandoning your baby

• You haven’t been able to grieve for a loss, maybe even a loss that is unconnected to the baby

• Your baby seems to need you to be there

• You have marital problems, or there is a lot of tension in your home

• Something from your childhood still bothers you

• You have been sexually abused

• You work outside the house during the day and feel that your baby is missing some important closeness which makes night-time separations harder to bear

• You feel that you ought to pick up your baby every time he cries, though sometimes you don’t feel like it

• Every time you leave him he cries, and you can’t bear to hear him cry

Most sleeping problems do not hide deeper problems, but where they do, a little bit of soul-searching and a lot of honest and open discussion may help. Talk to someone you trust. And be kind to yourself; ambiguity and confusion are often part of the journey to the most rewarding of relationships.

Some parents find that talking with a child psychotherapist helps. Child psychotherapists understand that relationships can affect sleep and that sleep disturbances can sometimes arise from unreconciled losses in the parents’ lives. Sleep is a form of separation – a temporary loss – and can be a powerful reminder of other losses or separations which still affect us. Such reminders can hamper your ability to let your baby go. (If you would like to find out more about brief psychotherapeutic therapy for sleep problems see the resources section on page 149.) You neither need to hang on to your baby nor push him away. Sleep becomes an example of how you can love him and let him go.

Loving and Letting Go

If you would like your baby to go to sleep alone but find it hard to get out of his room, you may find that listening and talking to yourself and your baby in a certain way helps.

Why Should I Talk Out Loud to my Baby?

• Because sometimes you and your baby both need to hear how you’re both feeling

• It helps you clarify what you want to say

• Things said out loud seem more real

• It can stop the same old thoughts going round and round in your head

On putting him down to sleep, try tuning in to how you are feeling and acknowledge that out loud. It’ll sound funny the first time you do it but if you talk directly to your baby it may seem less crazy. If you want to laugh – go right ahead, it could be part of the medicine.

Describe How it Feels

To begin, think about how you feel as you are ready for him to sleep. You may feel confused, scared, angry, exhausted, or a hundred other emotions. Put a name to it. Tell your baby. Start your sentence with ‘I feel…’ rather than ‘I feel like…‘. So, ‘I feel … tired and scared’ rather than ‘I feel like … I could sleep standing up and I feel like … a failure.’ Some people find that when they finally say how they are feeling, they start to cry. It’s OK. Let it happen. Who’s to know? If you start to cry, your baby may join in too. Give him a hug.

Once you’ve identified your own emotions it may become easier to listen to your baby’s protest. Is it sad, angry, tired? Whatever it is acknowledge that that is how he feels and that you understand that this is a big, important feeling for him. You could say something like: ‘You sound sad/cross/confused. It can be really hard to cope with big feelings like that.’ You may feel strong and capable when you can hear your baby’s sadness in this way. And he will be able to hear two important messages from the way that you say it: that it’s OK for him to feel like this and that you will support him while he copes.

Explain the Deal

Next, try saying that it’s time for sleep and that you have confidence in his ability to go it alone. True, you may not feel particularly confident that he can do it when you start, but just as you encourage him to feel he can do things during the day, so do the same here. In the day time you encourage him because you know he will do it in the end and you want him to feel good about himself. Going to sleep is also something he will do in the end and feel good about.

Finally, tell him when you’re coming back. Be specific. He may not understand the difference between ‘I’ll be back in a bit’ and ‘I’ll be back in two minutes’ but you do and it will make you feel more in control when you say out loud exactly what you’re going to do. Your baby will pick up a lot of clues from the way that you talk. But if you don’t like the clock-watching approach, a good alternative is to say: ‘I’ll be here when you need me.’ This is specific, because his ‘needs’ define when you come and go, and you’ve already shown that you are tuned into his ‘needs’ by listening to his cry. You are making a commitment to go on listening to him. Now start the behavioural routine you’ve chosen (see Chapter 11 for a range of options), coming and going as appropriate.

In this way you won’t be abandoning him, but loving and letting go: a subtle but powerful difference, which will allow you and your baby to move on in your relationship. You will have really listened to yourself and your baby, acknowledged what you are both feeling and been clear about what has to happen now. It won’t stop the crying immediately, but it may make you more able to deal with the tears. For more on listening to your baby cry, see Chapter 7.

What can I say to my Baby when he goes to Sleep?

• Tell him how you feel. For example: ‘I feel tired/sad/angry.’

• Listen to his cry. Describe it to him. For example: ‘You sound tired/sad/angry.’

• Let him know you care for him. For example: ‘That sounds like it’s a real problem for you.’

• Let him know what you want him to do. For example: ‘I want you to sleep now.’

• Let him feel your confidence in him. For example: ‘This is tough but I know you can do it.’

• Tell him when you’re coming back. For example: ‘I’ll be back in one minute/in the morning/when you need me.’

Choose your own words if these do not feel right to you. Of course, talking to a baby like this may feel ridiculous. This technique isn’t for everyone. You decide whether it’s for you.