Jack The Giant Killer
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JACK SETTLES THE REMAINING GIANTS AND SETTLES DOWN
I "Tantara tara, tantara tara, tantara tara, – ra! Tara tara, tara, tara, tara, tantararan ta – ta!"II Hark to the warlike trumpet blast, the clarion call of fame! Bounds not the hero's heart if he is worthy of the name? What time the trump and kettle-drum at glorious Drury Lane, Call bold King Dick to bide the brunt of Bosworth's battle plain; So, to the soul of stout Sir Jack, Adventure's summon spoke, And from her dream of luxury his martial spirit woke. Before King Arthur's royal throne he knelt upon his knee, And thus with courtly speech addressed his gracious Majesty: —III "Illustrious Arthur, King of Trumps, My duty bids me stir my stumps; Fell Giants yet, your country's pest, Your faithful liegemen much molest; 'T is my intention, if you will, Their uncouth highnesses to kill. I crave some loose cash and a cob, And trust me, sire, I 'll do the job, As sure as fate, for every snob." "Why," said the King, "your plan's romantic And yet't is true those rogues gigantic Have wrought my subjects much annoy: — Well; go and prosper, Jack, my boy; I hope and trust you 'll put them down; So here's a horse, and – half-a-crown.IV With cap and brand, — You understand Well what their virtues were, - And shoes so swift, His uncle's gift, Jack canters off like air: Like air as fleet, and as viewless too, Intent on doing "deeds of do." "Over hill and over mountain, Thorough forest and by fountain," Jack flies by day, Gallant and gay. Jack flies by day, though none can spy him — Learn every one Bored by a dun, And take a lesson, debtors, by him — Jack flies by night, In the moonlight, No "four-year-old" could have come nigh him. At length he came to a forest vast, Through which his journey led; When shrieks arose upon the blast, — "Hallo," said Jack, "who's dead? " Like a fern owl he flits through the forest trees, And, as he expected, a Giant he sees, Dragging a couple along by the hair — They were a knight and a lady fair, And theirs was the row that rent the air. The heart of Jack, No way slack, Was melted by their tears and cries; Benevolent lad! So he jumps off his prad, And unto an oak the animal ties: So Hampshire Squire, when, at the din, Of hare entrapped in poacher's gin, His gentle pity melts; Dismounts him from his gallant steed, Murmuring, "A purty joak, indeed!" And to the rescue pelts.V Jack approached the Giant nigh, But the monster was so deucedly high, He could n't reach to his philabeg; But he cut him a little about the leg. The Giant, swearing, roared, "This is A twinge of that beastly 'rheumatis.' I 'll take a dose of 'Blair' to-night; If I don't, I'm – !" Said Sir Jack, "You 're right!" And he fetched him a blow with all his might; The ham-strings gave, the monster fell. Did n't he screech, and did n't he yell! Did n't the trees around him shake! Did n't the earth to the centre quake! Jack lent him a kick on his loggerhead, And trod on his brawny neck, and said- "Oh, barbarous wretch! I'm Jack – Jack Ketch; I am come for thy crimes to serve thee out; Take this, and this, Iss! iss! iss! iss!" And he riddled the heart of the prostrate lout — Dear me! how the blood did spout!VI The lady fair, and the gentle knight, Scarcely could believe their sight, When they beheld the Giant "kick;" Unseen the hand that struck the blow, And one cried "Ha!" the other "O – h!" Both making sure it was old Nick. But joy illumes their wondering mien, When, doffing his coat of "invisible green," Sir Jack appears before their eyes. "Thanks!" cried the knight, "thou valour's pink!" "Well!" said the lady, "only think! Oh! thank you, saviour of our life!" "Come home, sir, with myself and wife: — After such work," the knight pursued — "A little ale – " "You 'll think me rude," Said Jack, "but know, oh worthy peer! I thirst for glory – not for beer. I must rout out this monster's den, Nor can I be at ease till then." "Don't," begged the knight, "now don't, sir, pray, Nor run another risk to-day; Yon mount o'erhangs the monster's lair, And his big brother waits him there, A brute more savage than himself; Then lay your courage on the shelf." "No!" Sir Jack answered, "if I do, May I be hanged! Now, mark me, you! Were there twice ten in yonder hole, Ere sinks behind yon crag the sun, The gory head of every one Before my feet should roll! Farewell – I 'll call as I come back." "Adieu," the knight replied; "Alack! I had forgotten; here's my card." "Thank you," said Jack, and "bolted hard."VII Away, away, to the mountain cave, Rides Jack at a spanking trot; No Knight of the Poll-axe, all so brave, Could have distanced him I wot! The Gorgon's head you ne'er have seen — Nor would it much avail, To marble ears, Ï rather ween, The bard to sing his tale. But oft the Saracen's, I know, Hath horrified your sight On London's famous Hill of Snow, Which is n't often white. Such was the visage, but four times its size, With a trunk to match, that our champion spies. By the mouth of the cave on a chopping-block sitting, Grinding his teeth and his shaggy brows knitting, Was the Giant; – and rolling his terrible eyes Like portentous meteors, they Glimmered, glowed, and flashed away; His cheeks and nose were fiery too; Like wire on his chin the bristles grew; And his tangled locks hung down his back, Like the legs of a Brobdignag spider so black; Ready, the thickest skull to crack That ever county member wore, His iron club beside him lay. He was in a terrible way, For he voted his brother's not coming a bore.VIII The hero, Jack, dismounts to dress — What was his toilet you may guess; So may I be ever dight When I bow me for the fight.IX Like a cliff o'er ocean lowering, Or some old and cross curmudgeon Waiting, dinnerless, in dudgeon, Sits the Giant glumly glowering. Hears he not a whisper say, "So there you are, old rascal, eh? " Hears he not a step approaching, Though he may n't the comer see? No; like rogue by streamlet poaching, Creeps Jack near him stealthily.X As when some school-boy – idle thief — With double-knotted handkerchief, What time his comrade stooping low, With tightened skin invites the blow; With sundry feints, delays to smite, And baulks, to linger out delight; So Jack, with thorough-going blade, Stood aiming at the Giant's head. At last the champion cried, "Here goes Struck, and cut off the monster's – nose. Like a thousand bulls all roaring mad, Was the furious Giant's shout, With the iron club, which I said he had, Oh! how he laid about! "Oho! if that's your way, old cock, We must finish the game," quoth Jack; So he vaulted upon the chopping-block, And ran him through the back. The Giant howled; the rocks around Thrilled with his demon squall, Then flat he fell upon the ground, As the Monument might fall.XI The Giants slain, the Cornish man Despatched their gory heads by van To great King Arthur; – gifts more queer Have ne'er been sent to our Sovereign dear. She gets gigantic cheeses, cakes, Which loyal-hearted subject makes; Gigantic peaches, melons, pumpkins, Presented by her faithful bumpkins; And giant heads of brocoli – not The heads of Giants sent to pot — Long may such heads, and such alone, Be laid before her stainless throne!XII Now Jack the darksome den explores, And through its turns and windings pores, 'Till to a spacious hall he comes, Where, o'er the hearth, a cauldron hums, Much like a knacker's in the slums; Hard by, a squalid table stood, All foul with fat, and brains, and blood; The two great Ogres' carrion food. Through iron grate, the board beside, Pale captive wretches he descried; Who, when they saw the hero, cried, "Alas! here comes another, booked, Like us, poor pris'ners, to be cooked." "Thank you," said Jack; "the Giants twain Have had their bellyful of me; To prove I do not boast in vain, Behold, my bucks of brass, you 're free!" And he brast the bars right speedily. To meat they went, and, supper done, To the treasury they hied each one And filled their pockets full of money. What Giants could want with silver and gold, In sooth tradition hath not told: — 'T is a question rather funny.XIII The very next day The rest went away, To their dear little wives and their daughters, But Jack to the knight's Repairs with delights To recruit himself after his slaughters. The lady fair and the gentle knight Were glad to see Sir Jack "all right;" Resolved to "do the handsome thing," They decked his finger with a ring Of gold that with the diamond shone — This motto was engraved thereon: —XIV The feast is spread in the knightly hall, And the guests are uproarious, one and all, Drinking success to the hero stout Who larruped the Giants out-and-out; When, lo! all their mirth was changed to gloom, For a herald, all whey-faced, rushed into the room. Oh, the horrified wight! What a terrible sight! He spoke – five hundred jaws were still; Eyes, twice five hundred, staring wide — "Mac Thundel's coming, bent to kill You, valiant champion – hide, sir, hide!" The cry of the crowd without they hear, "Mac Thundel is coming, oh dear! oh dear!" "And who the deuce is this Mac Thundel, That I," Sir Jack replied, "should bundle?" "Mac Thundel, Sir Knight, is a two-headed beggar, You have slain his two kinsmen, the Giants Mac Gregor: That he 'll kill you and eat you he swears, or 'de'il tak' him,'" "Ha, ha, ha!" laughed bold Jack, "let him come – I shall whack him." "Gentles and ladies, pray walk below To the castle yard with me; You don't object to sport I know, And rare sport you shall see." "Success to gallant Jack!" they shout, And follow, straight, the champion stout. The knight's retainers he summons, all hands, And thus with hasty speech commands: - "Ho! merrymen, all, to the castle moat, Cut the drawbridge well nigh through; While I put on this elegant coat The knaves his bidding do. The form of the hero dissolves in air, And the ladies exclaim and the gentlemen stare.XV Stumping, thumping, blundering, lo! Comes the Giant Scot in sight; All the people screaming "Oh!" Fly before him in affright. Look, he snorts and sniffs, as though His nose had ken'd an unseen foe; And hearken what he thunders forth, In gutteral accent of the north!XVI "Indeed!" replied the Giant Killer; "Old fellow, you 're a monstrous miller!" Disclosing his form to Mac Thundel's sight, Who foamed at the mouth with fury outright. "Are ye the traitor loon," he cried, "By wham my twa bauld brithers died? Then 'a will tear thee wi' my fangs, And quaff thy bluid to quit thy wrangs!" "You must catch me first, old stupid ass!" Said Jack – he quoted Mrs. Glass; And he scampers away in his nimble shoes: Like a walking Ben Lomond, Mac Thundel pursues. In and out, Round about, Jack dodges the Giant apace, Round the castle wall, That the guests may all Enjoy the stirring chase. O'er the drawbridge he courses, mid shouts of laughter Mac Thundel heavily flounders after, Whirling his mace around his head: — The drawbridge groans beneath his tread — It creaks – it crashes – he tumbles in, Very nearly up to his chin, Amid the assembled company's jeers, Who hail his fall with "ironical cheers." He roars, rolls, splashes, and behaves Much like some monster of the waves, When "sleeping on the Norway foam," The barbéd harpoon strikes him home. By the side of the moat Jack, standing safe, Begins the Giant thus to chafe; — "Just now, old chap, I thought you said You'd grind my bones to make your bread." Mac Thundel plunged from side to side, But he could n't get out although he tried; Sooth to say, he was thoroughly done — "Now," said Jack, "we 'll end the fun. Yon cart rope bring, Ay – that's the thing!" And he cast it o'er the heads so big; A team was at hand, And he drew him to land, While all the spectators cried, "That's the rig!" His falchion gleams aloft in air, It falls; the monster's heads, I ween, Are off as quick as Frenchmen's e'er Were severed by the guillotine. With shouts of joy the castle rang, And they hied them again to the festal cheer Long life to brave Sir Jack they sang, And they drank his health in floods of beer.XVII Awhile the hero now reposes, In knightly hall an honoured guest; His brow by beauty crowned with roses, And filled his belly with the best. But soon the life of idlesse palls, For daring deeds his heart is "game;" "Farewell," he cries, "ye lordly walls!" And starts anew in quest of fame. Over hill and dale he wends; Fate no fresh adventure sends To reward him for his pains, Till a mountain's foot he gains. Underneath that hill prodigious Dwelt an anchorite religious: He batter'd the door with divers knocks; He didn't make a little din; And the hermit old, with his hoary locks, Came forth at the summons to let him in "Reverend sire," cried Jack, "I say, Can you lodge a chap who has lost his way? The grey-beard eremite answered "Yea — That is if thou cans't take 'pot luck.'" "I rather think I can, old buck!" The hero answer made, and went To supper with no small content.XX When Jack had eaten all he could, Bespoke him thus the hermit good, - "My son, I think I 'twig' the man Who 'slew the Giant Cormoran.' On yonder hill-top a regular bad 'un Dwells in a castle just like Haddon (Haddon! – thou know'st its time-worn towers, Drawn by ascertain friend of 'ours'); That Giant's name is Catawampus; And much I fear he soon will swamp us, Unless that arm – " Cried Jack "Enow; He dies!" The hermit said, "Allow Me to remark – you wo n't be daunted — But know his castle is enchanted; Him aids a sorcerer of might Slockdollagos the villain's hight; They crossed the main from western climes; And here, confederate in crimes (They term them 'notion's'), play their tricks; Bold knights (to use their slang) they 'fix,' Transforming them, at treacherous feasts, With stuff called 'julep,' into beasts. They served a duke's fair daughter so, Whom they transmuted to a doe; Hither they brought the maid forlorn, On car by fiery dragons borne; To free her, champions not a few Have tried, but found it would n't do; Two griffins, breathing sulph'rous fire, Destroy all those who venture nigh her; But thee thy coat will keep secure." Jack answered gaily, "To be sure; " And swore that when the morning came, He 'd lose his life or free the dame.XXI Now Night o'er earth her pall had spread, And dauntless Jack repaired to bed. O'er the hero as he slumbers, Spirits hymn aerial numbers; In a chorus manifold, Of the deeds and days of old; Fairy dreams his rest beguile, Till he feels Aurora's smile.XXII "Hallo!" cries Jack, as he awakes, Just as the early morning breaks, And rubs his eyes, — "'Tis time to-rise." And ready for mischief he gaily makes.XXIII With the mist of the morning, a little bit More transparent, I trow, than it, He climbs the mountain's craggy side; Anon the castle's lordly pride He braves with free and fearless brow, And mutters, "Now then for the row! " Before the gates on either side, A "formidable shape" he spied; A monstrous griffin right and left, Like to an antediluvian eft; Green of back and yellow of maw, Forked of tongue, and crooked of claw; Belching and snivelling flame and fire, — A regular pair of chimeras dire. "Oh!" said Jack, and he made a face, "I never saw such a scaly brace!" Unharmed he 'scaped, because unseen, Those monsters all so fierce and green; Through files of reptile guards he passed, Scolopendras black and vast; Many a hydra, many a lizard, Heros' tomb its filthy gizzard; Dragon with mouth like Ætna's crater, Crocodile and alligator; Huge spiders and scorpions round him crawled, Monstrous toads before him sprawled; Great rattle-snakes their fangs displayed — "Hurrah!" he shouted, "who's afraid?" And now upon the inner gate He reads these mystic words of fate: —XXIV Above the distich hung the trump: - The hero got it with a jump, And shouting gallantly, "Ya – hips!" Applied the mouth-piece to his lips. A blast he blew, - Asunder flew The portals with a brazen clang: Windows were smashed, And chains were clashed, While a thousand gongs in discord rang. A voice within, that seemed the note Of some prodigious magpie's throat, In ranc'rous tone cried, "Hallo, now! I say, what means this tarnel row?" And out came Catawampus, cross; Behind him slunk Slockdollagos; The Great Sea Serpent, trailing slim His coils tremendous, after him.XXV Six of the tallest men that e'er Raised in old Kentucky were, Each standing on the other's head, Had scarce o'ertopped the monster dread; The brim of his hat, so considerate, Was half as big round as the King's Round Table; His massive club was a maple's trunk: - He might have made great Arthur "funk." Arthur the First, or Arthur the Second, As Arthur oe Wellington may be reckoned. Slockdollagos was rather less, But he was n't very short, I guess: — He was fashionably drest, In the style of a Wizard of the West.XXVI "Clear off, now," was the Giant's cry; "The oldest man in all Kentucky My father whopp'd – my father, I: — Absquotilate, and cut your lucky!" Catawampus looked on every side, But not a single soul espied; To the right and left he grimly grinned, Till the trunks of the very trees were skinned. "Come out!" he bawled, "or I swear I 'll dash Your brains into an immortal smash! Don't raise my dander; if you do, You won't much like me, —I tell you."XXVII Jack laughed this bootless brag to hear, And thus he sang in the Giant's ear: - "Yankee doodle doodle doo, Yankee doodle dandy; Prepare your knavish deeds to rue, For know, your fate is handy!"XXVIII Slockdollagos turned green and blue, But Catawampus in fury flew, And brandished at random his maple stick, Smashing the nose of the wizard "slick Who fetched him in return a kick, Crying, "Hallo! I wish you'd mind; I rather speculate you 're blind."XXIX Catawampus bellowed "Oh! I say, tarnation sieze your toe!" Rubbing the part as he limped and hopped: Jack his legs in sunder chopped. He fell with an astounding sound, And his castle tottered to the ground. In faith, the most "tremendous fall In tea," to this, was nothing at all. No wallop'd nigger, to compare Small things, for the nonce, with great, Ever so dismally the air Rent with shrieks, I estimate. The monstrous Yankee thus laid low, Jack settled his hash with another blow; So he gave up the ghost, and his dying groan Had a "touch of the earthquake" in its tone.XXX Biting his nails, and shaking with fear, The wizard vile was standing near; When he saw Catawampus fall and die, He knew that the end of his course was nigh. "My flint," he cried, "is fixed, I snore!" He rent his hair and his garments tore, Blasphemed and cursed, and vowed and swore. Jack felt half frightened and greatly shocked, When, behold! the mountain rocked: Sudden night overspread the sky; Pale blue lightnings glimmered by; Roared the thunder, yawned the earth; And with yells of hideous mirth, Mid serpents and skeletons ghastly and dire, The spirits of evil came in fire; - Beelzebub and Zatanai, Asdramelech and Asmodai, Zamiel and Ashtaroth, with legions Of frightful shapes from Pluto's regions; And, the sorceror shrieking with frantic dismay, On the wings of a whilwind they bore him away. When once again the daylight broke, The castle had vanished away like smoke.XXXI "My eye!" said Jack, a little serious; "Upon my word, that was mysterious!" But cheers and joyous gratulations Cut short the hero's meditations; The "deformed transformed" round him press, Knights and ladies numberless; Who each, as Jack, you know, had heard, The warlock had changed to beast and bird; And who straight had recovered their pristine condition When Old Nick flew away with the wicked magician.XXXII Hurrah! Jack's labours now are done, He hath slain the Giants all, save one; I mean his great uncle; and he's bound o'er To keep the peace for evermore.XXXIII To ancient Yenta's city fair Forthwith the champion makes resort; For Arthur kept his castle there (Still, in the Nisi Prius Court, The Table Round of his famous hall Gaily flaunts upon the wall). Through the King's gate he took his way (He had come by sea to Hampton town, Where he called, just "How d' ye do?" to say, On Bevis, knight of high renown). As he passed through the Close, all the friars, to see him, Came out in canonicals, singing "Te Deum;" As he rode up the High Street, the little boys followed, And they flung up their caps, cheered, and shouted, and halloed. The windows were crowded with ladies so bright, All smiling and waving their kerchiefs of white. Jack with dignity bowed Right and left to the crowd, Gracefully mingling the humble and proud.XXXIV He now before King Arthur's throne, Knelt with obeisance grave; A thousand bright eyes on him shone, As they shine upon the brave. "Rise up," the noble Arthur said, "Sir Jack, a Baron bold;" And he placed upon the champion's head A coronet of gold. "This Princess fair shall be thy bride, Our cousin, by my fay; And let the nuptial knot be tied This morn without delay."XXXV The holy wedding mass was sung, And the cathedral's bells were rung; A banquet was made in the royal hall, And after that there was a ball. There waltzed Sir Lancelot du Lac, And eke Sir Tristram bold; Likewise the stout Sir Caradoc, "That won the cup of gold." But none among King Arthur's court, For style, and grace, and air, And noble mien, and knightly port, Could with Sir Jack compare.XXXVI Together with a beauteous mate The King gave Jack a great estate: In bliss the hero, with his wife, Lived the remainder of his life. "In story shall he live for aye Such is the say of Merlin, sage; And by Saint George! fair England's stay, His name, till time shall pass away, Shall never fade from glory's page. For all your march of intellect, Your pumps so prim, and blues so clever, The useful-knowledge-mongering sect, — Jack, famous Jack, shall live for ever!