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Daisy was suddenly hit by the fact she hadn’t said anything about Hugh. For a second, she felt quite breathless – maybe she was beginning to move on.
‘And Hugh,’ Daisy said quickly, looking up at the sky, ‘is up there looking down at us.’
‘Thinking, James is a dish, Lisa’s still a complete loser, Tom is over the top, and I love Daisy.’
Daisy’s eyes teared up. ‘Oh God, get out of here before I cry again. My mother always told me not to make a scene and look, I now spend my life making scenes.’
‘Bye, beautiful lady. I’ll ring you tomorrow. Find out what James has up his sleeve.’ Lisa started up the car and swung it around, speeding out the drive, a cloud of dust behind her.
It amazed Daisy to this day that Lisa was still single. She was gorgeous, fun and flirty. Wasn’t that what men wanted? In fact, Daisy used to be like that herself but marrying Hugh so young meant she had felt comfortable early on. Even as she piled on the pounds, he loved her and she felt good for it. In fact, he would often encourage her love of baking. She was not good at it but he always politely and solemnly tried her day’s bake. Lisa and Tom often tried it too.
Hugh’s reaction would be, ‘Darling, that is marvellous.’
Lisa and Tom, however, would be stood behind him pretending to put their fingers down their throats and then come up all smiles. ‘Yes, darling, it is… words just can’t describe it!’ James would just give her that look, a look she had never been able to describe, and smile at her.
Hugh did over time learn to relax around her other university friends and it had felt like they belonged to a club. They would, especially in the last two years of Hugh’s life, when he would have periods of being very tired, help each other prepare kitchen suppers and then dance and drink to whatever tunes were on the radio. It had been oddly perfect when she could forget about the future, about what would happen, about what did eventually happen over a year ago.
She reckoned grieving (she hated that term) would have been easier if they had had children but they didn’t try for the longest time. They didn’t want to break their happy bubble, however, she had always lived with a nagging feeling that they should have been trying for children. But then she had convinced herself that it was okay to be an older mum and what was the rush? Plenty of women were having children in their late thirties and early forties. Despite her doctor telling her she was geriatric when it came to having children, even three years ago.
‘Jesus,’ she had said to Dr Sawyers. ‘I am not geriatric, I’m in my prime.’
Dr Sawyers nodded sagely, his plethoric face not looking up from his notes. ‘You may be having the time of your life.’ He paused. ‘But your ovaries are not.’
With that, aged thirty-nine she told Hugh they had to go at it like rabbits. Admittedly some of the romance was taken out of the moment with statements like that but this was a matter of urgency; a time bomb no professional could disarm. She had to get pregnant.
Only, as if Sod had laid down his law, a month later Hugh found out he had terminal cancer. Suddenly she didn’t want children, she just wanted to spend every moment she could with her husband. He would become so tired and immobile, that she couldn’t bear to watch. They hugged and kissed like each day was their last together but children were soon swept from her mind. That wasn’t to say she didn’t wish she could keep a part of Hugh here, with her, but she was consumed with guilt about bringing children into the world under those circumstances.
Daisy was abruptly brought out of her reverie by the sound of another car coming up the drive and realised she hadn’t actually moved since Lisa left.
James, in his Maserati, roared up to where she stood and hopped out. He walked quickly over to her and took her in a warm, comforting hug.
‘Daisy, how you doing?’ He eyed her bag. ‘Been out shopping? That’s good.’
She wanted to point out that she was still able to dress herself, eat and move. Hugh’s death hadn’t taken those facilities from her, but she knew, deep down, he was just being kind and she was being entirely unreasonable. She always wanted to look like a strong woman around James, when in fact, right now, she wished he would just hug her again.
‘Yes,’ she nodded. ‘Lisa thought it was a good idea to go to the shopping mall in Bristol. She bought jeans which make her already stunning body look more… stunning.’ Daisy smiled. ‘I, on the other hand, was beached on the shore of Levi’s Land and decided make-up was probably a better bet for someone like me. Oh, and wide trousers.’
He laughed, his kind eyes lighting up, but when Daisy’s eyes fell to what looked like an envelope in his hand, he immediately stopped and grew seemingly tense.
‘What did you want to give me, James?’ She almost dared not to ask. ‘Is it that envelope?’
She heard his breath catch. ‘Yes.’ He indicated to the house. ‘Shall we go in? Only I think it’s best if you’re sitting down.’
She nodded in agreement, her heart quickening. They walked towards the solid oak front door. She opened her bag and found the key. Daisy didn’t like to open the door when she had company; the dull ache she felt every time she realised Hugh wouldn’t be there made her feel quite light-headed.
‘Are you OK?’
She felt James’s hand on her arm, warm and firm.
‘Yes,’ she murmured, a lump in her throat. ‘I just find certain things a bit hard still.’ She looked up at James who nodded and bit his lip; almost as if he was dreading showing her whatever was in that envelope. ‘Let’s go through to the kitchen, have a cup of tea.’
She felt happiest there and, at this time of year, she could see the snowdrops scattered across the lawn.
As she busied herself filling the kettle and placing it on the Aga, James sat and nervously handled the envelope.
‘So anything new?’ She knew it hadn’t been easy for him either, losing both a best friend and colleague. ‘Any girlfriend on the scene?’ She always asked this, braced for him to one day confirm he was seeing someone. She could only describe the feeling as jealousy but why should she be jealous of James loving another woman? They were just friends…
‘Nothing new.’ James’s face grew grim. ‘I miss him at work, the whole place changed after Hugh’s death. It’s probably as it always has been but I can’t even look at the water cooler without thinking about him. I know he wasn’t there for quite big chunks of time towards the end anyway but just knowing that…’ His voice trailed off. ‘Well, I don’t need to explain it to you.’
She turned and appraised James. He looked older, with deeper lines around his eyes, since Hugh’s death, but he was still as rugged and gorgeous as ever. She and Hugh had always joked that he should have been a model and not hidden away in the world of banking.
‘No,’ Daisy agreed and put a mug of steaming tea in front of him. ‘You have every right, though, to feel as cut up as I do. Anyone who knew Hugh does.’ Daisy smiled tenderly at James. ‘You know he had such a great effect on so many people’s lives. And he could, also, be the most boring old fart on two legs.’
James barked out a laugh and then grew self-conscious as though he felt he shouldn’t allow himself to be happy.
‘Laugh, James, when you can. We are allowed to laugh.’ Daisy had no idea when she had become such an expert but maybe she was beginning to come through some initial phase of grieving. She was paraphrasing the book she had been given by Tom: Stop Crying and Pull Yourself Together.
Tom had presented it with such a flourish she hadn’t had the heart to tell him that the title was a bit harsh. That being said, she had actually read it and it had made her laugh aloud so, who knew, maybe it worked?
‘In fact,’ she continued, ‘I was talking to Lisa today about… moving on.’
He raised his brows. ‘Moving on? As in…’
‘Yes, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life by myself.’
‘Hmm.’ He nodded, sipping fast at his tea. He then pushed the envelope across to her.
‘It’s a letter.’ He averted his eyes. ‘If you say you’re ready to move on, maybe I was right in thinking I should give it to you today…’
She nodded.
‘From Hugh,’ he went on.
Her heart skipped a beat and her mind went into overdrive. Had he been having an affair and now had countless children – the children they’d never had – with another woman or more? Had he decided to leave his money to someone else, was his will a joke?
She put a cool hand to her forehead and breathed deeply.
‘Are you OK?’ James asked, suddenly by her side. ‘It’s not actually bad, if that’s what you’re worried about. He just asked me to give it to you when maybe you felt a bit stronger.’ He gave a small shake to his head, and pushed it at her again. ‘Sorry, I’m making it sound awful. Just read it.’
Slowly, Daisy picked up the envelope, her hand visibly shaking, and with her forefinger, she sliced through the top. The sight of Hugh’s handwriting even on the envelope was like a warm, comforting hug and she drew out a piece of manila paper, the very kind that Hugh had kept in a small pile on his desk. His neat and precise writing filled the page. She brought the letter up to her nose, hoping to smell him but there was nothing.
James excused himself, told her he would be by the oak tree when she wanted him. He took his mug and left her alone.
Chapter 3
My dearest Daisy,
Firstly I want to tell you I love you. You are my world, my rock, my life.
I have asked James to give you this letter when I hope the rawness has faded a bit. Even better, maybe you are bloody relieved to have got rid of the boring old sod! Hopefully you are having parties every night and living the life you want and deserve. Keep laughing, I adore the way your nose wrinkles when you laugh, I adore the way you sometimes laugh so hard, there isn’t a sound! How is that possible?!
I am writing this in the present tense because I’m still here for you but that being said, I want you to have fun, live life to the full, and maybe, hopefully, find love again.
I only have one wish because really this was our wish. We dreamt and often talked about setting up a bed and breakfast at Atworth Manor. I know you’re thinking you won’t do it without me. You’re stubborn like that. Try it though. For me? See what adventures it brings you. I have left you, as you will know by now, the house and everything that ever belonged to me. If you want to follow our dream, I am there with you every step of the way.
James knows about our dream and says he will help in any way he can. He wants to be there for you, to look out for you. Please let him, he’s a good man.
Keep this letter and read it when you feel like you can’t do something. You can, Daisy Ronaldson, you are the most amazing woman I’ve ever had the honour of knowing and I still can’t believe you said ‘yes’ in Amsterdam.
Say ‘yes’ again, let’s make our wish come true.
Love and kisses,
Hugh xxx
Daisy put down the letter, tears streaming down her cheeks, and tried to breathe through the onslaught of raw emotion threatening to drown her. James entered the room quietly and sat down next to her, taking her hand.
‘Holy shit, James,’ she said. ‘There was never a right time to give me this, the silly sod.’ She smiled through her tears. ‘And I am not stubborn.’
She waited, the gasps of her fast breathing the only sound.
‘James, have you read it?’ He nodded. ‘You see, the B&B was our dream. Our dream. It was after we watched that couple in France doing up that chateau. I remember we had had a couple of bottles of something Hugh had found in the cellar and we talked like we could do something like that here, in England.’ She snorted with laughter, tears still pooling. ‘But even though we often joked, if we were ever to have done it, it would have been together.’ She looked up once more. ‘Good lord, Hugh Ronaldson makes me angry. Why does he lay this idea at my feet and expect me to run with it? I don’t do as I’m told.’ James nodded his agreement with a wry smile on his face. ‘I know, I know, I’ve never done what anyone’s said. Well, there you go, I don’t plan to start now.’
She looked at James through blurry tears. ‘No offense but I don’t need you to look after me. I’ll be just fine.’ She circled the knots in the wooden farmhouse table with her finger. ‘In fact, maybe, just maybe I’ll move to France and meet some baker and eat croissants for the whole of my life and use that bit of French I vaguely learnt at university. I mean, as you know, James, I have five minutes on Le Front National down pat.’ She giggled. ‘Look, if those two off the telly box can manage, then so could I.’
She hung her head and let out a long shaky breath. He let her keep talking.
‘Shit me, James, why did he do it? Why did he go and leave me? We were meant to be together forever. That was the deal. I even changed the words at our ceremony. Until arguing over house furnishings do us part. Remember?’
James laughed with affection and grabbed her hand, holding it up to his cheek.
‘Do you also remember how appalled my mother was at our ceremony? She wanted to know why we had all this posh food, when we could have had her hog roaster for free…’
Daisy smiled, brushed more tears from her cheeks, and rose from her chair, her legs unsteady beneath her. She had not been expecting that. The grief suddenly felt so fresh and acute, the breath knocked from her lungs.
‘Do you know I sometimes talk to the ceiling?’ She smiled, wiped her nose with a sheet of paper towel. ‘Because I let myself believe he can hear me.’
James smiled kindly. ‘I’ve done that too.’
‘Well, we’re as barmy as each other.’ She drew a deep breath. ‘Listen, James, this all feels quite odd actually.’ She held up the letter. ‘You see, many years ago Hugh and I watched this programme…’
‘I know.’ He nodded. ‘The couple in the French chateau. I saw it, Hugh told me you had been quite serious about this dream.’
‘He was very serious but I always thought it was a crazy idea.’ In her head, it had been more of a fantasy in which she would have never-ending guests who sipped G&Ts on the veranda and admired her peonies. She would, of course, wear a floppy hat and have a smudge of dirt from gardening on her left cheek as she greeted her regulars who would claim that the house was ‘looking more and more beautiful year on year and how did she stay looking so young too?’
Anyway, now Hugh wasn’t here, why would she even think about it? More to the point, why would she set up the B&B with James? She loved James dearly but this was such a huge commitment.
James cleared his throat. ‘Listen, he had just found out about the Big C so told me about this dream. I think he had started to think about you and how you would cope afterwards.’
Daisy lifted her head, and a familiar irritation at Hugh’s needing to control everything, even from the grave, flooded her body.
‘What? How I would cope? I am coping just fine, thank you. Good Lord. Why are men like that? Why do men feel they can just solve everything? So he thought he would get me to set up a B&B with you in order to get over my grief?’ She gave a sharp shake to her head. ‘God, a mathematician to the end.’ She gestured wildly with the letter. ‘I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful to both you and Hugh for surmising that a sodding bed and breakfast would be a good idea but the thought, now, of anyone in my home is an abhorrent one, so the answer is no.
‘Anyway,’ she continued, ‘don’t you have a job to get on with? You have, after all, just been promoted, haven’t you?’
His face flinched with hurt and he looked at the ground before looking back at her.
‘Sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m not annoyed with you, more annoyed with Hugh. He knows I’m the sort of person who feels so guilty if someone asks me to do something. What about your job in London?’ she pressed.
A small smile appeared at the corner of James’s lips; he tried to hide it. ‘I quit a week or so ago, I didn’t enjoy it anymore anyway.’ He looked again at her face set in a defiant pose. ‘I’m actually not sure why I’m laughing but it is quite funny, but you look so lovely when you’re angry.’
‘That is not even funny.’ But then, she, too, felt a small bubble of laughter and she giggled. Once she started to giggle, James snorted as he tried to hold back his chuckling and then they started to laugh uncontrollably. James leant his hand against the wall as his broad frame convulsed with laughter.
Daisy wiped away the tears and realised how good it felt to let go like that.
Once they had both caught their breath, James smiled, resting his hand assuredly on her arm. ‘I didn’t quit my job because of this letter; I quit because I couldn’t bear working where Hugh had once been, the office wasn’t the same. You know?’
‘Yes,’ she said, calm now. ‘I know. I live in this house every day, remember?’
He nodded, his voice quiet. ‘I think that’s what Hugh was worried about, he thought you would stay here and perhaps feel you had to because it had been your home together. Then we agreed that there was no way you would ever consider selling it, so the next best option is to change it, invite people in.’
Daisy furrowed her brows. ‘You’re doing it again.’
‘What?’ Confusion crossed his face.
‘Being a man. Trying to solve it.’ She looked around her. ‘I love this house because it’s my home. I don’t need to invite strangers into it.’ She dipped her head. ‘Actually, if anything, I think I would resent that.’
James nodded. ‘Well, you know what’s best and you’re probably right but if you did want to try and you needed someone to look after the office side…’ He stuck his hands in the air. ‘I’m your man.’
‘Otherwise, what? You find another job in the city?’
He shook his head. ‘No, I thought I’d try moving.’
‘What? Out of London?’
‘No.’ He smiled. ‘Further afield. Australia. There are some great opportunities there at the moment and it would just mean properly getting away, starting again.’
Daisy’s heart skipped a beat. ‘Oh, I see.’ She was, for once, speechless. She knew he was right to want to move on but another country? Though why should it bother her? James was just a friend. Friends did that; they got on with their lives.
She stared hard at the ground, contemplative. Maybe it was because it felt like everyone else was moving on and she was stuck. Stuck in the thick quagmire of grief and memories that threatened to drown her. She couldn’t, however, stop other people from saving themselves.
‘Oh, that sounds wonderful,’ she said but she could hear the forced appreciation in her own voice.
‘You don’t sound that happy about it.’ James searched her face. ‘Sorry, it’s not that I’m abandoning ship, it’s just… you know.’
‘No, absolutely.’
Suddenly, there was the rumble of a car coming up the drive. She didn’t need to turn around to know it was Tom. The giveaway was the faulty exhaust pipe; it sounded like a Boeing 747 coming into land.
‘Hello darling Daisy,’ came a booming voice behind her and shortly the doorway was filled with the tall and athletic frame of Tom, wearing bright pink chino shorts and a Hawaiian shirt.
‘Oh my, Daisy.’ He air-kissed her cheeks then looked at James, grinning broadly. ‘If only I had known that James was here. I’d have put on my very special—’ he elongated this word ‘—cologne. This one is so understated and I hate to be understated.’
James, ever the gentleman, held out his hand. ‘Good to see you again, Tom.’
Tom clung to his hand like ivy to a wall. Daisy eventually had to tell him to let go.
‘Oh sorry, darling Daisy, it’s just this man has left me hanging since university days.’
That was the thing about Tom: not a shy, retiring bone in his body.
‘Why are you dressed up for some sort of New Orleans street party?’ she asked, eyeing his loud and proud outfit.
‘Well, darling, I’ve decided I’m not getting any…’ Once again, his eyes walked the length of James’s body who Daisy noticed flushed ever so slightly. It had taken her twenty years to not flinch at some of his statements. ‘So,’ he continued, ‘I think it’s because I’ve been wearing drab, wintry, but ever so chic, clothes. Now is the time to break free and show people my spring and summer wardrobe.’
Daisy giggled. ‘How’s it working out for you?’
‘Well, so far, some builders asked me when the parade started…’ Tom mused, grinning. ‘Anyway, more to the point, Lisa sent me.’
Daisy narrowed her eyes. ‘Oh, she did, did she?’
‘Yeah, she said you had big news and I was to find out what the big news was…’ He waited expectantly, like a puppy.
‘There is no news,’ Daisy interrupted quickly. ‘None.’
‘No, no news,’ James agreed, catching her grateful smile.
Tom put his hand on his hip. ‘OK, not being funny. You two are so up to something.’ He grabbed the piece of paper from Daisy’s hand and turned his back on Daisy who madly tried to scramble it away from him.
‘Tom, give it back to Daisy, come on,’ James said, like an ever-patient schoolmaster.
Eventually, Tom turned back to them both and beamed. ‘This is wonderful. This is so wonderful.’
Daisy wrenched the letter from his grasp and held it to her chest. ‘It’s not happening.’
Tom wasn’t listening; he was already on his phone.
‘Lisa?’ He smiled at his audience and Daisy just stared on in horror. ‘Daisy is going to set up a bed and breakfast at the house.’ Daisy could hear a muffled voice on the other end of the receiver and she went to grab the phone.
‘It’s not true,’ she managed to say quickly before Tom had it back off her.
‘Yeah, and James is going to help her which means he’s going to live at the house. How good is that?’ He indicated his outfit. ‘I knew, when I put this on, something special was going to happen today.’ He touched Daisy’s arm tenderly, phone still pressed to his ear and then with a nod of his head to James, he said, ‘Come on guys, group hug. I’ll put you on speakerphone, Lisa. We are more than happy to help out, aren’t we, Lisa? We’ll be doing it in the name of Hugh.’
Daisy quickly found herself ensconced in a mass of male limbs, quickly noting that James wasn’t refusing and putting Tom right. No, he was fully involved in the group hug.
‘Um, guys…’ She disentangled an arm and waved her hand around like a white flag. ‘Um, I actually said no, I wasn’t going to do it.’
James and Tom moved in closer and she was well and truly trapped in a sandwich of testosterone, hairy chests and Tom’s sickening cologne. God, she couldn’t imagine what the other cologne – the special one – was like; she would have needed a gas mask.
‘Um, James, didn’t we just agree that we’re not doing this crazy idea and you’re heading to Australia?’ Her voice sounded small as they still refused to let go and she remained trapped.
‘Shouldn’t we at least try, Daisy? Isn’t it what Hugh would have wanted?’ Tom said.
‘Exactly,’ Daisy heard Lisa say.
‘Um, actually if anyone’s doing it, it’s me and James.’
‘Nah, you need all hands on deck,’ Lisa said and Tom murmured his agreement. ‘I mean who’s going to change beds and cook eggs.’
‘I’m not sure I want everyone here all the time plus guests.’ Daisy was growing ever hotter. ‘Can I get out of this hug? I mean this is craziness.’
‘No,’ Tom said. ‘Darling, you are staying there until you agree. At least give it a go, then we can always stop if it turns out badly and James—’ he delivered a fake sob ‘—could then go and tan his beautiful body on an Australian beach and discover he was gay, after all, but can’t afford the return journey home so he will never have me in his life…’ He stopped, genuinely caught up in his own fairy tale. James shifted uncomfortably.