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© Heinrich Psscht, 2021
ISBN 978-5-0053-3450-3
Created with Ridero smart publishing system
Foreword
This book is about two astronauts from a distant future. So distant that everything is different in it. It’s so utterly different that it’s very much familiar. In the far-off future, as one may expect, the word “okay” will finally be wiped out of all vocabularies. They will stop using it ever since! Indeed, why would anybody use this unnecessary word given that the good has finally triumphed over the evil! And it certainly will! There will be so little left of the latter that it will be deliberately grown in special pots so as not to forget what it looks like and what it is for. Evil will be so rare, and therefore so valuable, that everyone will want to grow a few of it to sell it later when it becomes even rarer and dearer.
Meanwhile our astronauts move in completely outer space, carrying out missions for the System, keeping in mind their own interests and their flight safety at the same time. With every step they make they are threatened by cosmic dangers. But our friends always overcome them only to face some others, because they know where to look for them. But they never lose their hearts. That’s all because they studied well, helped the elders, did not harass the younger, helped the younger and did not harass the elders. They also helped the younger ones not to harass the older ones, and vice versa! To make it more pleasant for them to help each other, the System helps them too. The system helps everyone, even if it’s not asked for it. Because the System knows, the System remembers! And so well and so systematically everybody helps each other, that it just smokes everywhere! Astronomers mistake that smoke for nebulae, scattered in the Universe in cosmic disorder.
The name of the younger astronaut is Hans. He’s recently graduated from the Academy of Navigators. He, like any young man, has a boss, a captain, whom Hans calls sir, because of the higher rank and age of his superior. The captain is rather a positive character! He is so positive that everything negative is attracted to him! However, he is good and he is kind somewhere out there, in another galaxy. But Hans is not as naive as one might think, (sometimes one needs to think, you know). The brave astronaughty boys also have robots, all kinds of other things and what not on their ship! And if you, dear reader, have reached this line, may I congratulate you on your good senses and wish you a cheerful mood to go on reading!
Voyager
– What The Heck is this, Hans, why have we stopped?
– Probably the Russians, sir!
– What kind of Russians can do that? We are in another galaxy! What is it in your hands? What sort of pathetic space junk?
– I do not know, sir, it crashed into the board of the ship, we are losing air!
– Give it to me! There it is! Quite strange! It is in our language: “As the Secretary General of the United Nations organization, blah-blah-blah, I’m sending greetings on behalf of the people of our planet…"… So, we’ve got the greetings from their planet, hooray! Another greeting like that, Hans, and we’re getting home no longer!
– Yes, sir!
– Come on, do something, we are returning to the base.
– May I use this golden disk to patch the hole, sir?
– That’s the best thing you can do with it, Hans! And shove their greeting there too!
– There are funny drawings on the back of the disk, sir!
– No time to laugh, Hans! We’ll rejoice when we reach the base.
– Shall I request boarding with repair, sir?
– I wonder, how could one be that smart, Hans!
Password
– Your password is incorrect, enter your password.
– Hans, What The Head! I can’t enter the damned password into the system.
– You changed it yesterday, sir!
– Did I? What for?
– I don’t know, sir, probably it has expired. Or you were in the mood for changing passwords.
– Was I? And how am I going to operate the ship now?
– We will request support from the base!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans, we are in another galaxy!
– Then I’ll drive the ship, sir!
– But you don’t have access to the accelerator, and without that we will be stuck in space for thousands of years!
– Try to recall the password, sir!
– I’ve already tried it! “Genitals123” is not working.
– This is your old password, sir.
– When we return to the base, I’ll resign to hell and to its mother, if, of course, we ever return…
– Try “Genitals234”.
– It worked! You’re a genius. I declare gratitude to you for your extraordinary resourcefulness! With an entry into the register of the System!
– Serving the System, sir!
– How did you find out my passwords?
– I peeped, sir!
– Good boy!
Avatars
– What The Helix, Hans! We’re flying the wrong way!
– I’ll correct the course in a minute, sir!
– Hans, have you got a girlfriend?
– Yes, sir!
– Is she waiting for you?
– I believe so, sir!
– How do you know?
– I text with her!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans! We are in another galaxy! It takes light millions of years to get there! The same for the information!
– Sorry, sir, my avatar corresponds with her. Rather, with her avatar.
– Your avatar communicates with her avatar?
– Yes, sir!
– Directly or through hyperspace?
– Directly through hyperspace, sir!
– When your avatars have children, will you call one of their avatars by my name?
– Sure, sir!
Lonely
– Hans, have you ever got lonely?
– Sometimes it happens, sir!
– And what do you do then?
– I read the charters!
– The charters?
– Yes, sir!
– You Read the Funny Manuals?
– Yes, sir!
– And does it help?
– Yes, sir!
– But how? How can this crap possibly help? I mean, in your case.
– I think about all those people who wrote those instructions for us, who thought about us so that we are not lost somewhere in the void, that is, they took care of us, and I console myself that I am not alone in the Universe.
– You do? Give me one of your charters! If there’s nothing else available…
– Not at the moment, sir!
Not flying
– Hans, do you know where we are heading?
– Sure, sir!
– Where?
– Sector X14Y457!
– Where is it?
– In the system AW87Z478!
– Are you sure there is no error?
– Yes, sir!
– What?
– No, sir!
– Why is this light flashing then?
– We’ve got a failure, sir!
– So, we’re not flying anywhere, are we?
– No, sir!
– That is, if we were flying, then it would be to sector X14Y… What was there in the end?
– 457, sir!
– In the system AW and so on.
– Yes, sir!
– But at this very moment we are not flying at all!
– Not really, sir!
– When will we resume flying?
– I reckon, after we handle an incident, sir!
– Have we got an incident?
– Yes, sir! With the handle!
– We need to handle an incident with a handle?
– Yes, sir!
– Why, have we got an incident?
– You hung your cap on the switch handle for the emergency shutdown of the accelerator, sir!
– And?
– And it has shut down, sir!
– So why are you giving me all that shit? Put the ship control to manual mode, unblock the protection locker, lock the detection blocker, disarm the alarm system and prepare for the transition to Y-space!
– Yes, sir.
– And you know what?
– What, sir!
– Tie the handle of that switch to… to this pipe or something!
– Will do, sir!
Ass
– Hans?
– Yes, sir!
– Are you sleeping?
– Yes, sir!
– Am I?
– So are you, sir!
– How are we talking then?
– Through the subconsciousness reading system!
– But why do I see your ass all the time?
– I daren’t know, sir, probably it’s also in your subconsciousness.
– Hans!
– Yes, sir!
– Either you remove your ass from my subconsciousness straight away, or I’ll hit that ass of yours with my knee!
…
– Hans!
– Yes, sir!
– Where are you?
– I’m next to you, sir!
– In my subconsciousness?
– No, in the next bunk, sir!
– Hans, you’d better return your ass to my subconsciousness!
– But why, sir?
– Who knows what kind of crap is on your mind! At least you’ll be in sight!
– Will do, sir
Alien
– Hans, have you ever seen the aliens?
– No, sir, we were told at the Academy that the aliens do not exist.
– You were? What’s that swaying in the corner of the window?
– It’s a talisman, a mascot, Mickey Mouse, for luck, sir.
– Why is it green then?
– Probably it is sun-bleached, sir.
– Are you nuts? We are in another galaxy, there is no Sun around!
– Sorry, sir, It may have faded due to space radiation.
– So, you are saying that this thing brings luck?
– Yes, sir!
– We are here, you and I, in the damn ship, at the damn edge of the Universe, being exposed to damn radiation along with your damn mascot? And you call it luck?
– Probably that is required for our mission, sir!
– Get this crap off the glass! This is an order, Hans!
Fuel
– Hans, why are we wobbling like that?
– We entered the turbulence zone, sir!
– What turbulence zone, are you crazy? We are in another galaxy! In airless space!
– Probably the intrigues of the Russians, sir!
– Impossible for the same reason! Have you refueled at the base?
– I have… most likely, I mean, sir…
– Well, while you were goofing with that… cheerful refueller, flamingo legs, button nose, mouth to ears… Have you loaded the fuel in?
– I think so, yes, sir…
– How much, what brand?
– I don’t remember exactly, sir, let me check the data…
– To hell with your data! Turn off the engines Immediately, signal an alarm to the base while there is still some energy left: we’ve got a hole in the board, we were attacked by the Russians, or some other shit happened! They won’t fly to rescue the assholes who forgot to refuel! It’s your luck we are still not far away from the base.
– No, sir!
– What?
– Yes, sir!
– And change that dreamy face of yours! Next time I will do the refueling, not you!
– Sorry, sir!
Mode
– Hans! What mode should we fly now in?
– In the second, sir!
– So why are we flying in the third then?
– Sorry, sir, I thought we might arrive a little earlier…
– You thought, didn’t you? And may I ask you why?
– Well, the guys from the Academy will be there, we haven’t seen each other for a long time, I thought, sir…
– You thought indeed! Why haven’t you thought that you have a commander? Why haven’t you thought that we’ll need to report fuel usage? Why haven’t you thought that the engine might overheat?
– Sir, but we’ve saved some fuel due to the solar wind.
– Solar wind my ass! We are in another galaxy! There is no Sun in this place whatsoever!
– Sorry, sir, we used the Kruger moment…
– Don’t pretend to be smart, Hans! And always remember you have a commander to make the decisions for you! Turn on the fourth mode! Signal to the base: an emergency, due to some solar wind, fart or shit, do I need to think about everything for you?
– Yes, sir!
Folders
– Hans, where did all orders go?
– I sorted them out into folders, sir!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans! I had a system!
– Serving the System, sir!
– I also serve the System, Hans! I’m talking about another system!
– There is only one System, there will never be another System, sir!
– Don’t recite the Anthem to me, Hans, I know it by heart, same as you! How can I distinguish important orders from unimportant ones now?
– All orders are important, sir…
– Of course, they are, it’s from the same song, Hans, but not all are equally important! There is a sequence, there are priorities…
– Yes, sir.
– And you destroyed it all!
– No, sir, only sorted them!
– Sort them back, Hans! No, wait, looks like the same number of new orders have arrived already.
– Yes, sir!
– Why are they sending them in such behemothian quantities?
– I daren’t know, sir!
– But you look as if you know!
– We loaded the wrong container, sir!
– So why are you fooling with me! Back to the base! Instead of sorting out all sorts of crap, you’d better think of excuses! It was you who had signed the invoice!
– I’ve already thought of everything, sir!
– What?
– There was your name in it, sir, I’ve signed them for you!
Birthday
– Hans, why is your finger bandaged like that? Have you cut yourself?
– No, sir, this is for a memo!
– For what memo? Couldn’t you set a reminder in the alarm system?
– The system isn’t working, sir.
– Do you mean, it kicked the bucket?
– Yes, sir!
– But why didn’t you report it properly?
– I tried to fix the leak first, sir!
– Are we leaking?
– Yes, sir!
– But why didn’t you turn on an emergency system, a pump, a generator?
– We no longer have the emergency system!
– We don’t? What happened to it?
– It was blown off by a meteorite.
– But have you reported to the base that we had an accident?
– No, sir, I haven’t!
– Why not?
– Our transmitter is not working! Besides, we are in another galaxy. The signal does not pass! Nothing is operational!
– And you’ve bandaged your finger for a memo?
– Yes, sir!
– In order not to forget about something else, perhaps, something important?
– Yes, sir!
– I wonder what that could be? What sort of mess can possibly happen to me yet?
– Your birthday, sir!
Stork
– Sir!
– Not now, Hans, it is very urgent!
– But, Sir!
– Another minute, Hans, I’m almost finished!
– Sir!
– What is it, Hans? Can’t you see I’m busy!
– Sir! We’ve got a stork in the nozzle!
– Hans, are you out of your mind? How can a stork possibly get into the nozzle? We are in another galaxy! What sort of crap do they teach you in the academies! Don’t you understand? Nothing can fly into the nozzle! On the contrary, a hot plasma under very high pressure gets out of the nozzle! Got it? Repeat!
– Hot plasma under very high pressure gets out of the nozzle, sir!
– Good! So, what happened?
– We have a stork in the nozzle!
– Here you go again! Where is the stork?
– In the nozzle, sir! This is the code word, sir!
– Code word! What code word? What? Reverse the engine at once! Stop! Don’t reverse the engine! You can’t, when there is a stork in the nozzle, or we croak out! Send a signal to the base immediately! We have a stork in the nozzle! Just tell them right away that this is a code word so that they don’t laugh like wild horses there. This is a serious matter!
– Will do, sir!
Conference
– Hans, what have you got on your screen?
– A conference, sir!
– A conference? Rubbish! How is it possible? We are in another galaxy! Moreover, in the very ass of that galaxy, a signal needs millions of years to hit that ass and be smeared over it evenly like mustard…
– They teleported the conference, sir, time-corrected of course, at the previous jump, along with all possible questions and answers to them.
– And what is the topic? Safety of flights?
– Yes, sir.
– Well, come on, let’s start with the questions… All possible ones… What should we do if the ship gets into an asteroid belt?
– Not relevant to the topic, no answer, sir.
– Just as I thought! And what should we do when a ship enters a gas nebula?
– Now, sir, let me find out… Strange, there is nothing about that either!
– What is there then?
– Classification of emergency events, the procedure for preparing the ship for emergency evacuation, the procedure for emergency shutdown of the engines, the sequence of leaving the ship…
– I see! Hans, we are in the ass of the Universe, and we are told to leave the ship in case of any malfunction! Probably, so that we, with our stupid remains lying in uncomfortable positions and emitting a cosmic stench, do not trouble the brightest minds of the Supreme Commission.
– Quite so, sir!
Intern
– Hans, we will have an intern onboard with us, a trainee. Just teleported…
– A trainee, sir?
– Yes, please welcome trainee Lisa. Anthropomorphic servitor, third class, the latest model.
– Is she a robot, sir?
Lisa (with a smile). It’s politically incorrect to call anthropomorphic servitors robots. I am a functional analogue of a team member, my efficiency ratio is 65 to 170, and my efficiency factor is 90-60-90. I am waiting for your instructions, sir!
– Not bad, not bad, Lisa, do get used to it gradually, I will soon need a report on fuel consumption for the last 4 years with corrections for space curvature and the effect of Kruger acceleration.
Lisa. – It’s already done! On your desktop, sir.
– Good, and please compare our expense with that of ships of the same class performing similar missions.
Lisa. – Added to the report, sir!
– Hans, got the drift?
(Hans is chatting with Lisa, they are laughing).
– Hans, are you alright, can you lend me your ear?
– Who, I? Yes, sir, of course we are all right. To my mind…
– Hans, according to the report, we should now have 982.4 units of fuel on board, resource 97. And what is the fuel meter reading? Hans, can you hear me?
– Oh, sir? Sorry, have you asked something?
– I did ask how much fuel we have?
– Fuel, sir?
– Fuel, Hans! F.U.E.L. How much?
– 90 to 60, I believe…
– Are you crazy?! Infatuated or something? She’s a robot, Hans! A robot!
– But, sir, it’s politically incorrect to call anthropomorphic servitors robots…
– Liza, go to the cargo hold and perform the first category maintenance there! Hans, What The Femme! Do we really need problems with an anthropomorphic broad on board?
– Sorry sir, she looks so much like my girlfriend…
– Hans, at your age, everyone looks like your girlfriend, everyone who moves… When she’s finished cleaning, I’ll send her off for an upgrade to a second-class servitor with the best recommendations. May she serve somewhere far away from here…
– Should I help her in the cargo hold, sir?
– What for? With her coefficients of utility and efficiency, you would only interfere with her! There is more important work for you!
– What work, sir?
– Recalculate the fuel report!
– Sir, so we won’t have an intern anymore?
– Nope! Unless they’ve designed a crocomorphic servitor specially for you, but I doubt it…
Air
– Hans, we seem to be losing air! I can’t breathe!
– I’m doing the airing, sir!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans! We are in another galaxy! How can you do the airing in an airless space?
– Well, I’m bleeding the air out, sir. After a while, the air cylinders will open, and the pressure will be restored!
– But why are you doing this?
– Stinking beetles, sir! I don’t understand where they came from! Especially as we are in another galaxy as you rightly say!
– These stinkers are from our galaxy, that is, they bear the smell of our homeland, like it or not, Hans!
– Yes, sir, but how? How did they get here?
– You don’t need to know, Hans!
– Serving the System, sir!
– Carry on, Hans!
Buoy
– Hans, what are you doing there? What’s on your screen?
– Corresponding with my girlfriend, sir!
– Hans, you’re out of your mind! We are in another galaxy! The signal will be traveling from here for a million years!
– I’m using hyperspace, sir.
– And how? We did not enter hyperspace! Well, come on, tell me how are you doing that? That’s an order!
– With a rescue buoy, sir.
– You sent a rescue buoy into hyperspace as a repeater?
– Yes, sir.
– But where did you learn this, this is not in the manual!
– At the Academy, sir. In a practical lesson. Everyone was laughing then, sir. It is so simple!
– Do you know why you can’t use a life buoy for this?
– No sir…
– You see, you don’t know, but you still use it!
– But we have two, sir…
– There were two, Hans, but not anymore!
– And where did the second go, sir?
– You don’t need to know that, Hans! But what you need to do is to order a new buoy! Have it teleported during the next session! The lifeboat buoy on the ship is an important safety feature, Hans.
– Yes, sir! Should I write that the old one broke, sir?
– In no case! Buoys don’t break! This will be the first time in buoy history. We do not need that kind of fame!
– Then what should be indicated as the reason why we need a new one?
– The truth, Hans, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…
– Should I write that the buoy was lost in hyperspace, sir?
– Yep! During the flight safety training that I successfully conducted and which you completed with honors! It was carried away by a meteorite! Or a Russian Sputnik wandering in space in a search of vodka! Whichever you prefer… On second thought, do not write about vodka yet!
– Yes, sir! Serving the System, sir!
– And I congratulate you on that!
Others
– Permission to ask, Sir?
– What have you got, Hans?
– Have you ever been to other planets?
– Of course, Hans!
– In our System?
– What do you mean in our System? There is only one System, and there will never be another one! Have you forgotten the Anthem?
– No, sir, but there are planets so far away, to which the light travels millions of years…
– All planets and all stars in the System belong to the System! There is only one, and there will be no other one!
– But there may be some dissenting, I mean, underdeveloped planets, sir, who do not know about the System…
– Everyone and everything belong to the System and everything is the System, whether they know or don’t know, whether they want or don’t want! Who cares what they know or want? Damn whims! Today they do want, tomorrow they do not want, the day after tomorrow they will have a new bawler leader and they will start pumping rights!
– But it may happen, sir!
– Certainly, it may, Hans!
– They may be plotting something, sir, some mean conspiracy against the System…
– To surpass the System in deviousness, Hans? Are you out of your mind?
– And what about the Russians, sir?
– What Russians?
– Are they also part of the System?
– Of course, Hans! It’s Russian part.
– But their trickery is incomparable, sir!
– Exactly, Hans, it’s unrivaled through and through! With nothing!
– But if they are so shrewd, sir, they might be craftier than the System?
– As part of the System, they cannot transcend the System, Hans. What nonsense do they teach you in academies! Refresh the Hymn in your memory, there are answers to all questions in it, and report back in 20 minutes!
– Yes, sir!
Exoplanet
– Sir, we are approaching some planet, the information on the screen gives the probability of life on this planet over 86%.
– So what?
– I mean… Maybe we can fly in and see, sir?
– What’s the idea?
– Well, there may be interesting species of animals or plants…
– As well as dangerous viruses that cause incurable diseases, Hans!
– Yes, sir, but there may be a human civilization!
– Here you are again! For all civilizations, history develops in the same way: first fratricide, then prostitution, slavery, human sacrifice, the invention of the wheel, writing, gunpowder, paper money… Many civilizations do not live long enough to see the invention of the wheel…