How to Win at Feminism: The Definitive Guide to Having It All... And Then Some!

CONTENTS

1  CONTENTS

2  WHAT IS FEMINISM AND WHY AM I THAT NOW?

3  HOW TO FEMINIST A Feminist Invocation of Beyoncé How to Femsplain Feminism to Your Friends IS IT FEMINIST? (A CHART) The Many Waves of Feminism Celebs on Being Feminist BOO! THE PATRIARCHY IS A SPOOKY GHOST Hazard: The Patriarch-D How to Be Feminist Without Being Too “Opiniony” BAD FEMINISTS (A LIST) Intersectionality in Feminism: For White Women! The Nine Circles of Hell for Women Who Don’t Help Other Women WARNING: CURVES AHEAD

4  FEMINISM: GET THE LOOK! A Feminist Invocation of “Real” Women The Look of a Feminist Is Feeling Beautiful from Within FEMINIST SKIN CARE Feeling Beautiful Is the New Looking Beautiful Feminist Cosmetic Tools HOW TO LOVE YOUR BODY EVEN THOUGH HERS IS BETTER Just the Right Amount of Sexiness! Which Nonfeminist Clothes Are in Your Closet Right Now? MENSES: THE ORIGINAL FEMINIST ACCESSORY Designer Handbags to Hold All Your Feminism Perfecting the No-Self Selfie EMBRACING DIFFERENCES: TEACHING MODELS WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE TO BE FAT Our Inspiration: Diverse Women in Media DIY: Aging! HOW TO TAKE UP MORE SPACE, BUT NOT TOO MUCH SPACE

5  WOMEN AT WORK! A Feminist Invocation of Leaning In Work It! PROTECTING YOUR BODY OF WORK Supporting Other Working Women The Consequences of Not Having It All HOW TO APOLOGIZE FOR HAVING IT ALL Feature: Linda Marie Maarter, the Woman Who Literally Has It All Work–Life Balance vs. Life–Work Balance: Which Is Right for You? REPRODUCING AT EXACTLY THE RIGHT TIME Her-ssentials for a Home Office Feature: Megyn Kelly: Republicans Can Reclaim Feminism Too! SUCCESSFUL BUSINESSWOMEN: OUR ROLE MODELS Feature: Janet Hughes, the Woman Who Doesn’t Aspire So That Others Can! Foot Stomps and Other Percussive Methods That Let ’Em Know Who’s Boss EMPOWERMENT EXERCISE: EMBODY A MAN Combating Workplace Misogyny with Body Cams How to Do More with 23 Cents Less FEATURE: A NOTE FROM RUTH BADER GINSBURG AFTER SHE’S HAD HER WINE

6  HOW TO LOVE AND SEX A Feminist Invocation of Lena Dunham Is Dating a Man Feminist? HOW TO PUT DOWN THAT PICKUP ARTIST: MEET MISS NO, THE PROFESSIONAL PUT-DOWN ARTIST Feminist First Dates How to Stick with the Dating Apps You Hate HOW TO GET CATCALLED FOR YOUR PERSONALITY Is Your Guy Feminist? Rebranding Your Relationship Issues as Feminist Issues FEMINIST THINGS THAT WILL GET HIM OFF How to Be Sex Positive Even When You’re Bloated Meet Roy, the Hunky Male Feminist NOW, ABOUT YOUR LESBIAN PHASE . . . Planning a Feminist Wedding

7  HOW TO SAVOR BEING A SAVIOR A Feminist Invocation of Oprah Saving the World, Saving Ourselves PROBLEMATIC PRODUCTS Trading in Original Sin for Karma! Charity Mad Libs INSPIRING MEMES TO SHARE WITH YOUR FRIENDS! Essential Oil Blends to Bring Out Your Feminist Essence Things You Can Protest by Taking Your Top Off PRACTICING SELF-LOVE ON OTHER PEOPLE The Top Ten Ways to Know If You Really Love Yourself Overcome Your Wominsecurities with Crystals! FEATURE: LYLA STEINGARD-HOPE ON HER SERIES OF AHA! MOMENTS Life-Changing Books That Will Change Your Life Were You Feminist in a Past Life? FIND YOUR SPIRIT FEMINIST! A Note on Women’s Intuition

8  EPILOGUE Here’s What You’ve Learned Sign the Contract BLOOPER REEL!

9  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

10  INDEX

11  CREDITS

12  COPYRIGHT

13  ABOUT THE PUBLISHER

GuideCoverContentsChapter 1

i ii iii iv v vi vii viii 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216

WHAT IS FEMINISM AND WHY AM I THAT NOW?

A lot of people think that feminism just appeared out of nowhere, but it actually took a lot of strong women (and men!)* to get us to the point of complete and total gender equality. But this year, we finally did it! We won feminism. And although we have to thank the brave souls who paved the way for us, we mostly want to thank ourselves—Reductress, your favorite women’s magazine—for doing it better than everybody else. Now that we, the media, have broken down barriers and made feminism safe for the masses, it’s time for you to get on board, girl!

So how did we win feminism? By championing the greatest feminist works of our generation—empowering pop songs, feminist music videos, inspiring advertising, and shows with the word “girls” in the title. Every move we’ve made—every tearful show recap, every tearful concert viewing, every tearful Instagram scroll—has been decidedly pro-women!

Don’t believe that we won? The evidence is clear. You can see it in every living, breathing woman around you. You can see it in her shining hair, her flawless skin, and her belief in herself and her appearance. She knows that the female body is not something to be ashamed of; it’s something to be fiercely honored—and moisturized daily.

But now that we’ve caused feminism to have its moment, we’d like to take the time to tell you how to be feminist in book form! Why? Because you’ve already met the criteria for being a better feminist than everyone else: you’re a woman,* you can read,** and you buy things. The rest of feminism is a piece of cake.

Still confused about feminism? It’s actually very simple. The first rule of feminism is to Get it, girl, but first we must get to know the ladies who paved the way and got it before you.

You probably didn’t know this, but feminists have been around since before “feminism” was even a twinkle in Rosie’s rivets. Women had “Girl Power” before the Spice Girls ever gave it a name. Learning about these brave women*** can inspire us to keep on fighting for what they never had. Think about it. Our great-grandmas couldn’t even vote or wear pants. Could you imagine living in a world where you couldn’t vote or wear pants? You couldn’t even vote to wear pants—because you couldn’t vote. That’s just how bad it was, pants-wise, before feminism.

And Grandma? You wouldn’t believe some of the stuff she wasn’t able to do. She probably can’t do much now either. Anyway, while Grampa was out getting day-drunk and smoking the cigars he stole off dead Germans, Grandma was staying at home raising your mom, who was a baby, and having lots of other babies as well. You think 77 cents on the dollar is bad? Try getting paid in babies!

See how much progress we’ve made already? Okay, history lesson almost complete.

So your mom—sorry, we know you guys aren’t talking right now and don’t want to make it weird, but hear us out. Mom was probably working while you were growing up, looking for a crack in that glass ceiling, so you could break it with your sweet new position as a social-media marketing manager! Without Mom (sorry, this is the last mention, we promise; we know she was never around for you emotionally and you deserve to tell her how you feel), and without her brave and creative use of shoulder pads, you wouldn’t be where you are now. So thanks, Mom! (Sorry!!!!!)

Today, plenty of women are walking around being feminist left and right like it’s no big deal, and they don’t even know it.**** Our duty is to vlog, pin, and tweet about feminism as much as we can until every woman—male or female—is touched by the angel of feminism.

In order for you to understand the feminism of today, let’s take a step back and look at a brief history of feminism from the beginning.

OFFICIAL TIMELINE OF FEMINISM

So there you have it. We’ve come a long way, but we have so much more to do before the metaphorical V is truly equal to the metaphorical D. ’Cause let’s face it: the literal V is absolutely nothing like the literal D! Here’s why.

DICK VS. VAGINA

Even though we’re no longer smoking two packs a day and sneaking Schnapps to survive a lifetime of housewifery, we still have so much more to do to improve the world for women. From day to night to the morning-after pill, feminism is a work in progress, and you have the power to shape it—with the help of us, a women’s magazine that is now also a book!*

With the right tools and a dependable moisturizing routine, you too can be a beautiful, strong feminist. Heck, you probably are right now and don’t even know it! But you better read this book just to make sure, because there are a lot of things you are probably doing wrong. It’s okay, girlfriend! Nobody’s perfect.**

We’re so glad you’ve decided to join us on this feminist journey through the femwilderness as we reach toward the white light of femquality. Do bring sunscreen. Do bring a bottle of water and a high-protein snack. But please do not bring Jen. We don’t have time to listen to her shit right now. Now let us embark upon our odyssey through womanity!

You may have heard some ladies refer to feminisms, as in, “There is more than one type of feminism.” And they’re right! Feminism is multifaceted, with women of many different backgrounds and privileges working together for equality. Although there are several types of feminists, most feminists fall into one of two camps: Beyoncé and Taylor Swift. Your journey begins with one core decision, a decision you cannot undo once it is made; once you decide to be feminist, you need to know which of these two feminists you’re going to be. To help you decide, here are some definitions we pulled straight from a book (it’s our book; we wrote it).

TAYLOR VS. BEYONCÉ

Which kind of feminist are you? Write it in the comments! Oh, there’s no comments section in this book? Well, we’re still learning how this whole book thing works. Okay, just write it down on a piece of paper, attach it to a dove, and say your wish three times as you release the dove into the world. That way, you will for sure become a feminist! Good luck!

Plinky the Fairy Witch

Luck you’ll need, yes, luck times three.

You’ll need pluck and you’ll need me!

I’m Plinky the Fairy Witch, enchanté!

I guide new feminists on their way!

So follow me, child, and hear my spell.

I’ll guide you through book club, and potlucks, and hell.

For stresses will stress, and pressure will presh,

When you’re a “FEMINIST” with a capital F!

Tee hee! Too hoo!

Follow me, little you!

I once robbed a bank in Kalamazoo!

Plinky is a second-wave feminist fairy who was trapped in a tampon dispenser at Lilith Fair for twenty years. We think she’s making that bank-robbery thing up, because she doesn’t seem like the type. There is a chance that she’s a dangerous radical, but for our purposes please try to ignore that. She has a lot of great things to say aside from the crime stuff, which, again, is probably not true. Just FYI!

HOW TO FEMINIST

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