Stop Thinking, Start Living
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If you believe that your thoughts are real – and you are encouraged to work through the worst of them – you will end up with even more to contend with. The more you think, the bigger and more important the thoughts will seem and the more of them there will be to deal with. Because your feelings are determined by what you think, you will, by necessity, sink even lower. And, unfortunately, because you are lower, you will think even worse thoughts, which you now have to ‘work through’. This endless negative spiral never takes you upwards towards the place you want to be. The spiral will end when you decide that ‘enough is enough’, when you ‘start over’ with a clean slate, with a clear mind, and when you realize that the only thing holding your depression in place is your own thinking. You must stop focusing on your depression.
Humility
As you learn this approach, and as you begin to pull out of depression, try to be easy on yourself. It takes a great deal of humility to admit that your own thinking is the cause of your suffering. Everything you have learned prior to now may have suggested otherwise. Before you realize that your thinking is causing your depression, it’s easy to blame other people and the circumstances of your life for your misery. The reason for this is clear. When you feel bad, you will have the tendency to come up with a theory as to why you feel the way you do. Without knowing the actual cause, it makes sense to create a reason. As long as you can create reasons for your depression – your marital status, your job, your children, your genes, your financial situation, your future, and so forth – you can maintain the false hope that things will get better when … But you can probably see that, in actuality, this is not true. The mindset that says, ‘Life will be better when …’ will create further conditions that must be met as soon as the initial conditions are satisfied. You need only to look at the countless times in your life that you received what you wanted – and happiness still eluded you – to realize that changing your circumstances isn’t the answer to your problems. If it were, you’d already be happy! You wanted to graduate, you graduated. You wanted a mate, you got one. You wanted a pet, you got one. You wanted a pay-cheque, you got one. And so on. Tens of thousands of times in your life you got exactly what you wanted and yet you’re still unhappy!
The solution is to have the humility to admit that all along you have been creating your own pain through your own thinking. Don’t worry; almost everyone else is doing the same thing. The good news is that as soon as you see that this is true, you’ll be on your way to a far better life. No matter how depressed you have been, or how long you have been depressed, the moment you can see that it’s only your thinking that is holding your depression in place, you’re on your way to freedom.
You Cannot Think Your Way out of Depression
In many respects, if you want to escape from depression, it’s just as important to know what not to do as it is to know what to do. If you have followed what you have read thus far you will have no difficulty understanding the statement You cannot think your way out of depression. You could think and think for a hundred years and you would never escape from the grips of depression. The reason: when your spirits are low you will generate negative thoughts. All you will see is negativity. You already know that your thoughts determine how you feel; thus, when you think in a depressed state of mind you will only make matters worse. The famous American football coach, Vince Lombardi, once said, ‘Just because you‘re doing something wrong, doing it more intensely isn’t going to help.’ No idea applies better when you are depressed. It’s your thinking that lowered your spirits to begin with; doing more of the same will only make matters worse.
Fuelling the Fire
When you are depressed, the single worst thing you can do to yourself is to continue thinking – especially if you are attempting to use your thinking to pull yourself out of your depression. To do so is only ‘fuelling the fire’. Perhaps you believe, as many people do, that you can’t stop thinking when you’re down in the dumps. And although it can be difficult to ‘stop thinking’, there is an enormous difference between doing something while believing it’s natural and necessary – and doing that very same thing knowing that it is the cause of your suffering. Once you realize that what you have been doing has been hurting you, you will find a way to stop doing it! The only reason you have tried to think your way out of depression in the past is because you knew of no other options. But you wouldn’t put salt in your wound once you knew it was going to sting like crazy. Thinking while you are depressed is similar to pouring a bucketful of salt over a deep cut! As you begin to understand the dynamic between your thinking and the way you feel, you will be able to ease off your thinking, in much the same way that you can ease off your car’s accelerator when you are stuck in the mud. Before you understand that trying harder to get out of the mud doesn’t work, you are tempted to put your foot down onto the floor. After you understand the relationship between the weight of your foot and sinking deeper into the mud, however, you ease off a little bit. If you’ve ever been stuck in the mud in your car, you know how tempting it is to try to force your way out, even when you know that accelerating makes matters worse; but because you do know better, you are able to resist the urge. Resist the urge to think your way out of your depression and you will find yourself out of it quicker than you expected.
Three / Healthy Psychological Functioning
At the core or centre of your being is something you were born with, your ‘healthy psychological functioning’. Healthy functioning is not learned, it’s inherent, it’s your birthright, and it’s always present when you are not engaged in your thinking mind or your ‘personality’. Your healthy functioning is innate, it’s your most natural state of mind. It’s not who you think you are (your ego), it’s your higher self, who you really are and who you can be. Your healthy functioning is where your wisdom lies, it is your peace of mind, your common sense, your satisfaction in life, and your feeling of wholeness.
I will refer to your healthy functioning in different ways, with words like wisdom and common sense. It doesn’t matter what you call it, the words are interchangeable. Your healthy functioning is the part of you that sees beyond unhappiness; it’s your source of emotional buoyancy, the part of you where true and lasting happiness exists, and the part of you that isn’t disturbed when the circumstances in your life are less than perfect.
It’s important to know that you were born with healthy functioning, and that it wasn’t something you had to learn. The truth is, you had to learn how to have ‘unhealthy functioning’, you had to learn to be unhappy. No one is born sceptical or negative. Self-doubt, self-criticism, negativity and pessimism are the result of negative thoughts that you have learned to take seriously. Your self-image and personality are a compilation of thoughts that you have about yourself, some of which may be negative. If you had never learned to take seriously negative thoughts about yourself, you wouldn’t experience the feelings that go along with them today. You are the sole creator of all your negative thoughts. Your thoughts have no power to harm you other than the power you give them.
Unfortunately, if you are not taught that the thoughts you have about yourself are just thoughts, you will start to believe that they describe the way you really are. The more you believe your own thinking, the more obscured your healthy functioning becomes. Poor self-esteem is healthy functioning that has been obscured with self-doubting thoughts you have learned to take seriously. Consider this: a young child wouldn’t think of asking himself, ‘Am I good enough?’ He would have to learn to ask himself such questions. Prior to learning these types of self-doubting thoughts, a child’s self-image is quite healthy and intact. If you can learn to accept negative thoughts about yourself, then you can also learn to disregard and take less seriously the negative thoughts that run through your mind. And as you do, your healthy functioning will return very quickly. As the thoughts are dismissed, a more elevated feeling will return.
Your healthy functioning is an invisible but knowable force within you. It’s not something that you can touch or prove, but then neither is a dream. Yet you know that dreams exist! The first steps in tapping into your healthy functioning are to trust that it does indeed exist, and then simply have the desire to access it. Remember, there are plenty of miraculous aspects of life that are invisible – thoughts, dreams, creativity, intuition, common sense, and wisdom.
The reason that healthy functioning may be so foreign to you is that when you are experiencing it, you usually don’t even know it. It’s such a simple, uncomplicated feeling that you don’t take notice. It’s not a feeling like excitement that you can easily describe. In fact, healthy functioning is easier to describe in its absence.
Healthy psychological functioning is the feeling you have when everything seems OK, when life seems simple and you have a sense of perspective. It’s the feeling you get when you are able to be touched by the simple things in life – watching a child playing, the leaves falling from a tree, or the motion of a door opening. When you are engaged in healthy functioning you are able to maintain a sense of internal equilibrium irrespective of what happens to be going on around you. Healthy functioning exists independently of the external parts of your life. It’s a feeling within you that you can learn to access.
Once you understand that healthy functioning is a part of you, you will open the door to noticing its presence in your life. Healthy functioning will become your normal mode of emotional functioning when you accept the fact of its existence. Think back to the last time you woke up on ‘the right side of the bed’ and you felt a sense of gratitude about your life – the last time you said to yourself, ‘Life seems magical.’ Even eternal pessimists have moments when the magic of life inspires them. Try to recall the last time something happened in your life that you wish hadn’t happened, yet you maintained a sense of perspective, you kept your cool. Why is it that sometimes you are able to maintain your sense of perspective while at other times you feel as if you are going to lose your mind? The answer is that sometimes you are tapped into your healthy functioning and sometimes you aren’t. It’s interesting to note that if you have ever felt the feeling I am describing here – your healthy functioning – then you already know that it exists. It doesn’t have to disappear into nothingness and then reappear by pure chance every once in a while. Like intuition, healthy functioning is an invisible force within you that you can call upon. It’s a feeling that you can learn to live with. You just have to know that it’s there for you and to want it to appear – and it will.
Accessing and Aligning with Strength
Wouldn’t it be nice if you could learn to live in the state of mental health that I’ve been describing? The first step in doing so is to open your mind to the possibility. I have seen it happen to so many people that I believe it can happen for you. Know that if you have ever felt peaceful during a crisis, if you have ever kept your cool when others weren’t able to do so, then the possibility exists for this to occur on a regular basis. This book is about helping you to align yourself with your healthy functioning, your inner feeling of peace and strength. In order to overcome unhappiness and become a happier, more joyful person, you must find something in your life that is more powerful and important than your unhappiness. Healthy functioning is more powerful and beautiful than any source of misery. Once you begin to recognize healthy functioning in your life, it will become the most important factor. Discovering your healthy functioning is all you need to live a genuinely happy, productive life. If a problem can’t be solved while you are tapped into your healthy functioning, then it simply can’t be solved.
Two simple facts can summarize much of what you need to know about people. We are all very different – and we are all very similar! When our personalities or thought systems are turned on, we are but one of literally billions of separate people with our own individual stories, ideas, complaints, and dramas. In this domain, there is separateness, friction, stress, strife, and lots of unhappiness. Everyone is actively thinking and, unfortunately, believing most of what they are thinking. There is a great deal of confusion in this domain because everyone thinks that their way is the ‘right’ way. But when our minds are quiet, when we are simply ‘being’, and are aligned with our healthy functioning, we are all, in a very important sense, the same, at least in the ways that really matter. We are peaceful and filled with peaceful feelings. We are understanding of our differences, loving, and kind to ourselves and to others. We see the bigger picture, the innocence in our differences, and we can access the beauty of life.
As I just said, you cannot get rid of something as powerful as unhappiness unless you have something even more powerful to replace it with – your healthy functioning. This part of you is so much more powerful than anything you could ever ‘think of’. Your healthy functioning is a place inside yourself where you can rest in your being instead of being active in your personality. It is a place of meditation – but you don’t have to meditate to get there. You only need to know that it exists – and prefer to be there – to get there. Your healthy functioning allows you to live your life from moment to moment, always doing the best that you can. It allows you to remember that the most important aspect of life is enjoying it and feeling peaceful. When you feel this way, you are truly at your best, and everything tends to work itself out – and if it doesn’t, you know that it also would have if you weren’t engaged in healthy functioning.
Once you realize that healthy functioning is something that resides within you, and is every bit as real as any other part of your life, you can begin to call on it as a resource when you need it. You must, however, treat your healthy functioning as something that does exist; it must be more than an idea to you. It must be something you trust, like intuition.
Your Thought System versus Healthy Functioning
Your thought system is concerned only with the details of your life, how you compare with others, your worldly pursuits, your intellect, your ego gratification, and your endless supply of wants and needs. You can’t satisfy your thought system. Its job is to think, compare, contrast and analyse. It is concerned with what happens in your life. The set of guidelines within which it operates is totally inconsistent with enjoyment. When you align yourself exclusively with your thought system, as so many people do, you are doomed to a life of frustration and unhappiness.
You can’t think your way to happiness, nor can you do anything to make yourself happy. Happiness is a state of mind, not a set of circumstances. It’s a peaceful feeling you can learn to live with, not something you have to search for. You can never find happiness by searching because the moment you try, you imply that it is found outside yourself. It isn’t. Happiness is the feeling of your own healthy functioning. When you accept the idea that healthy functioning is a significant part of yourself, you can stop trying to be happy and simply learn to be happy.
If you don’t learn to trust in and access your healthy functioning, it’s impossible to learn to be happy, because rather than learning to look for a feeling within yourself, you will continue to pay attention to the negative thoughts that run through your mind.
Your healthy functioning is not concerned with what happens in your life. It has a more expansive vision. It is concerned with how you relate to what happens in your life. Obviously there is a tremendous difference between these two modes. Your thought system comes up with what ‘it thinks’ would make it happy. Your healthy functioning, on the other hand, is what makes happiness possible. If all you had was your thought system, you would never be happy. You would be able to think of plenty of things that might make you happy, but you could never actually feel happy. Your thinking mind would keep coming up with conditions that would supposedly make you happy, but when the conditions were met, your thought system would begin to process all over again – coming up with new conditions that must be met. Your thought system will come up with ideas like, ‘I’ll be happy when my financial circumstances get better.’ If you won the lottery, however, your thought system would start all over again: ‘I wish the jackpot had been bigger,’ or ‘Oh no, what if I lose the money?’ or ‘What if they run out of money and can’t pay me?’ Such thoughts would again start to fill your head.
Your healthy functioning is that part of you that allows you to feel happy whether or not your financial circumstances are what you would like them to be. It’s a place within you that always feels content. Your healthy functioning is not interested in what happens, it’s only interested in how you feel and how you relate to what happens. All events, the good and bad, come and go. It is only your memory, your thinking, that keeps any event alive and relevant. The key to unlocking your inner happiness is to realize that you are the creator of those thoughts. Your healthy functioning is the part of you that knows that the true power in life is in the thinker – you – and not in the thoughts themselves.
Your healthy functioning is not just a theory or a passive entity to be read about and then forgotten. It’s a very real, positive and living force within you that you can learn to access. And as I have stated, you have already accessed it many times in the past, at those moments when everything felt just right. The key to eliminating unhappiness and replacing it with joyfulness is to learn to recognize healthy functioning when it is present in your life, and to help it grow and develop.
Your mental health can never be completely lost, it can only be covered up by negative, habitual and insecure thoughts that you have learned to take too seriously. The more seriously you take your own thoughts, the more distant your healthy functioning seems to be. Becoming aware that you have not just a personality and thoughts about your life, but also this other part of yourself, this ‘healthy functioning’, is a major weapon against unhappiness. When you know deep in your heart (even in the midst of a depressed state) that beneath your negativity lies a peaceful and light-hearted feeling that is ever present, you will regain the hope and confidence that a nicer, non-depressed, feeling is just around the corner – which it is. The only factor holding your unhappiness in place is your own thinking. All you need to do is relax and open your mind to the possibility that there is more to life than what you think about, and a new richness and sense of peace will begin to unfold for you. Begin by appreciating the simple, powerful feeling of your own healthy functioning.
If you are a parent, try to think back to the moment your first child was born. Remember the bliss, the joy in the way you felt. If you aren’t a parent, remember an instance when you were completely ‘present’, a time when your mind was nowhere else but right where you were, a time when everything seemed ‘just right’. It may have been a time in the beauty of nature, in a forest or by the sea. Perhaps it was a time when you fell in love. Everyone, no matter who they are, or how depressed they have been, has had at least some moments of healthy functioning in their life. No one had to teach you how to feel your own mental health. It just happens, all by itself, when you slow down your thinking and turn off your thinking mind. Your healthy functioning exists in the now. It occurs when you take your focus of attention off your concerns and problems, and instead allow your mind to feel at rest.
As you begin to realize that your healthy functioning comes from you and not from external sources, no matter how beautiful they may be, you can begin tapping into this beautiful place whenever you wish. Becoming conscious of your healthy functioning can be learned. You can learn to tap into it as easily while you are with your children or at work as you can while you are sitting in front of a fire or walking in a forest. All it takes is understanding, intention, patience, and practice.
Your healthy functioning is not only a place you can tap into on rare occasions or when you are sitting quietly by yourself, it’s a place in which you can live. Ask yourself daily, even hourly, ‘Where is that place in me? I know it’s there because I’ve felt it before.’ Your search for, and recognition of, your healthy functioning must be a significant and integral part of your life.
Your worldly pursuits, your dreams, and your aspirations are not jeopardized when you learn to tap into your healthy functioning. On the contrary, you will begin to see the bigger picture, you’ll see what truly motivates you and what you really want in your life. You will also see what activities and pursuits would be better left alone. This ability to leave things alone will also be true with regard to your thinking. Once you see where a particular train of thought is leading you, and you don’t like where you’re headed, you’ll be able to change course. You’ll spend less time doing things mechanically, and more time doing things for the love of it. Instead of believing ‘Anything worth doing is worth doing well: you’ll start to see that ‘Anything worth doing is worth doing because you enjoy it.’ You’ll have authentic inner power, a greater ability to say ‘no’ when it’s appropriate, and the wisdom to know what you really want. Accessing your healthy functioning allows you to see information in new and creative ways, and allows you to make rational, productive decisions in a timely manner. It allows you to enjoy, rather than struggle with, the ebbs and flows of life. It encourages your wisdom and common sense to surface.
Your healthy functioning can be pointed to and it can be felt. You can see the effects of its energy. You can see acts of loving kindness, compassion, and caring. You can see people who used to be angry and depressed who are now peaceful, loving, and happy. You can see people who have so much love and self-respect in their hearts that they rarely get defensive, upset, or critical of others.
Looking for the Clues
You can begin to look for clues to point you in the direction of your healthy functioning. To begin, you must first acknowledge that you have it in you – and then appreciate it when it is present. Don’t just look for healthy functioning when you feel upset, but pay attention to it when you are feeling good. In this way, your healthy functioning can grow. As more and more of your energy and attention are directed towards this other part of yourself, you will find yourself experiencing it far more often. The better feeling you experience will feed on itself, giving you more confidence and more hope, setting forth a positive, life-enhancing cycle. Over time you will be able to see yourself moving in and out of your healthy functioning, and eventually you will be able to live in this state of mind most of the time. Even when you aren’t able to tap into this happier state, you will at least know that it exists. This knowledge will protect and shield you against the grips of unhappiness and depression.
Your healthy functioning must become more important and more real to you than your unhappiness has been in the past. If it does, you will see new light and new hope emerging in your life. The moments of mental health you have experienced in the past will become minutes, then hours, and finally a way of life. If you can see the truth in what I am saying, that there is so much more to you than your unhappiness and your negative thoughts about yourself, you have reached the start of your road to freedom. You must begin to acknowledge that you do indeed have mental health, that you do have healthy functioning. You must realize that even if you don’t feel it at the moment, it’s still there, waiting for your attention.