A Marriage On Paper

‘Yes, of course.’ Alicia got up and went over to the small room that led off her office, where she made tea and coffee. She took a bottle of mineral water from the fridge and poured a glass. Then brought it back out to Maddie.

The woman smiled at her. She opened a packet of aspirins that she had taken from her handbag and took one with a sip of the water.

‘That’s much better, thank you.’ She put the glass down on the desk, and as she did so her fingers caught on a stack of paperwork sitting there, causing them to fall to the floor in a jumbled heap. ‘Oh, no! I’m so sorry.’ She bent to try and retrieve them.

‘It’s OK,’ Alicia said soothingly. ‘I’ll sort it out.’

‘Well, if you’re sure. I’m really sorry.’

‘It will only take me a moment,’ Alicia assured her. ‘I’ve got them all numbered.’

‘Fine.’ The woman stood up, and with a sugary-sweet smile left the office.

It took Alicia longer than she had anticipated to clear the mess. She was still doing it when Dex emerged from his office a while later.

‘Hell, what a day,’ he muttered. ‘I was hoping we would finish a little early.’

‘When have you ever finished early?’ Alicia smiled.

He thought about that for a moment, then gave a rueful shrug.

‘At least you managed to get a lunch-break today.’ Alicia finished filing away the last of the papers from the floor and returned to her desk. ‘Did you reserve our table at Romanio’s?’ she asked him casually.

‘First thing I did this morning. I’ll pick you up at eight.’

She looked up and met his eyes. They had been so busy in the office today there hadn’t been a moment to think about their situation, let alone talk about it.

‘Fine.’ There was a moment’s silence. She felt awkward suddenly. It was crazy. They had gone out together for so many meals, yet she felt the strain between them, the knowledge that this date was different.

‘I’ll just put this information into the computer before I finish up here.’ She changed the subject and reached for the piece of paper that Maddie McDowell had put on her desk. She frowned as she found it wasn’t there.

She looked down on the floor under the desk, wondering if it had fallen.

‘What’s the matter?’ Dex asked.

‘That list Maddie put on my desk isn’t here.’

‘It must be there.’

Alicia bit down on her lip, trying to think what could have happened to it. ‘Maybe it fell on the floor with the other papers.’ She spoke almost to herself.

‘Hell, Alicia, that list is important,’ Dex grated. ‘You could have been more careful.’

‘I was careful; it was on my desk, and I haven’t touched it.’

‘Maybe it floated out of here on its own?’ Dex muttered sarcastically.

Alicia glared at him. ‘It must have fallen with some papers that Maddie knocked over. Maybe I’ve filed it mistakenly with one of them.’

Dex shook his head and returned to his office.

An hour later Alicia still hadn’t found the list. She had been through every file and frustration was building.

Dex came out as she was starting to go through them again.

‘You’d better finish up,’ he said gently.

She glanced at her watch. It was almost six-thirty! ‘Perhaps you should cancel our table. I don’t think I’ll be able to relax until I’ve found this blasted list.’

‘Forget the list.’ Dex walked across and closed the filing cabinet firmly. ‘I don’t want to cancel our table.’

She met the dark, intense look of his eyes, and she sighed. ‘I don’t know where it could have gone, Dex—’

‘Look, just forget it now. I’ll sort it out. You go home and relax for a while. I’ll pick you up at eight o’clock.’

Alicia hesitated, then nodded. She did feel tired. She needed a leisurely shower and a few moments to herself before dinner. It had been a gruelling day.

‘OK, see you later.’

As soon as she’d left, Dex started to go through the files himself.

Alicia couldn’t stop thinking about that list. It plagued her as she had her shower; it mocked her as she put on her make-up and styled her hair. What on earth could have happened to it? Things didn’t just vanish into thin air.

Dex was punctual picking her up. He had changed into a lightweight pair of beige trousers and a khaki-coloured shirt. He looked relaxed, unconcerned as she brought up the subject of the missing list. ‘I thought we were forgetting about that,’ he said as he opened the passenger door of his car for her.

‘I can’t.’ She waited until he had got into the car beside her before continuing, ‘It’s just so weird, Dex. I’ve never lost anything before.’

Dex shrugged. ‘You’re under a lot of strain…got more important things on your mind, I suppose. Don’t worry about it any more. I rang Maddie and she has kept a copy. So it’s not a disaster.’

Alicia frowned. ‘I may be pregnant, Dex, but that doesn’t make me incompetent.’

‘I didn’t say it did.’ He shrugged.

‘I just can’t think what could have happened to it. One moment it was on my desk…the next gone.’

‘Maybe aliens beamed it up.’ Dex grinned. ‘This could be the first case of industrial sabotage by Martians.’

‘A Martian named Maddie, perhaps?’ Alicia said lightly.

He looked over at her with a raised eyebrow. ‘Now why would Maddie take our list when she was the one who brought it over?’

‘I don’t know.’ Alicia’s voice was flat. The idea that Maddie had taken it when she’d been out getting her that glass of water had taken hold as she’d dressed this evening. But she couldn’t for the life of her think why the woman would do such a thing.

‘Maddie seemed to find the incident amusing,’ Dex laughed. ‘She reminded me that I had just called you competent and efficient this afternoon…many a word spoken in haste, repented at leisure.’

‘I am competent and efficient,’ Alicia said heatedly.

‘Of course you are.’ Dex was soothing now. ‘Look, let’s just forget this. We’ve got more important things to think about.’

‘Yes…you’re right,’ she agreed.

There was silence as he parked the car.

Romanio’s was on the seafront. A delightful restaurant, open to the tropical heat of the night, where candlelight flickered invitingly on the tables.

A waiter showed them to a quiet table in the corner and left them to peruse the menu. Alicia could hear the sound of the sea as it broke against the shore. The night was very still, only the small fan whirring above them on the ceiling broke the heavy feeling in the air.

‘Have I told you how beautiful you look tonight?’ Dex asked suddenly.

She looked across at him and met his eyes. ‘Thank you.’ She smiled, feeling shy. She was wearing a pale pink summer dress. It had a round neck and a long skirt. It was feminine and pretty, but she knew she didn’t look beautiful.

‘How are you feeling?’

She smiled. ‘Surprisingly well.’

He shook his head. ‘I was thinking about you when I got into bed last night.’

‘Oh?’ Her eyes lit with amusement. ‘Sounds a bit X-certificate. Are you sure you should be telling me this?’

‘No, actually, I’m not.’ He grinned. ‘I kept thinking, I’ll have to go easy on Alicia, not put so much work on her shoulders. Then today…what do I do? I pile more than ever on to your desk.’

Alicia laughed at that. ‘I’m not ill, Dex.’

‘Even so, you must tell me if you can’t manage. I can always get a temp in. It’s the worst possible time, of course, to make changes in the office, but I don’t want you feeling under pressure.’

‘Dex.’ She leaned further forward. ‘Watch my lips. I feel perfectly fine.’

‘No morning sickness?’

She shook her head.

‘No weird cravings?’

She hesitated, and her lips curved in a teasing smile. ‘Nothing I want to admit to in a public place.’

He laughed at that. ‘And by the way.’ He leaned forward the way she had a moment ago. ‘I like watching your lips,’ he told her softly. ‘They are extremely tempting, kissable lips.’

‘It’s talk like that that got us into this predicament in the first place,’ she joked, yet she felt the heat of longing steal through her at his words, at the look in his eyes.

The waiter came to take their order.

‘As I recall you brought me to this restaurant on our first real date,’ Alicia remarked when they were left alone again.

‘By “real date” I suppose you mean the first time I’d got my nerve up to make a pass at you.’ Amusement glinted in the darkness of Dex’s eyes for a moment.

‘Who are you trying to kid?’ Alicia smiled. ‘You didn’t need to get up any nerve. You were always a very confident Romeo, Dexter Rowland. I know I had to field a lot of your girlfriends in my first six months of working for you. What was it you used to tell me to say? “Sorry, he’s away at a conference,” Or the other favourite line, “He’s in a meeting.”’

‘Ouch!’ Dex grinned. ‘But I was nervous about asking you out, Alicia. We’d always been good friends and I was frightened to spoil that.’

‘I know what you mean.’ Alicia thought back. ‘Do you remember when we both worked at MacDales? You always used to say that one day you would leave and start up your own business. We’d loiter over lunch while you dreamed up wild plans for your future, usually culminating in you being worth a fortune before the age of forty.’

‘Couldn’t I plan anything more original than that?’ Dex smiled.

‘You were the most ambitious man I’d ever met.’

‘You were the most beautiful secretary I’d ever met. I used to envy old Jim MacDale having you floating around his office.’

‘No, you didn’t. You hardly noticed me back then.’

‘So how come I came back to get you once my business was off the ground?’ he enquired softly.

‘At the time you gave me a lot of convincing spiel about it being good business sense.’ She grinned. ‘And I knew the work, I was good on computers.’

‘Well, there was that,’ he acknowledged with a wry smile. ‘But it has worked. We’ve been good together.’

‘Yes, I suppose we have,’ she acknowledged softly.

‘So how about making it permanent?’ he asked quietly. ‘I meant what I said to you last night. Marry me, Alli.’

Her heart bounced crazily against her chest. ‘I know I’m a good secretary, Dex, but you don’t need to go to these lengths.’ She tried desperately to hide how vulnerable she was behind a screen of light-hearted humour.

‘I think I do.’ He was very serious.

She was saved from having to make a reply to that by the waiter bringing their meals.

‘What do you say?’ he prompted her as soon as they were left alone again.

She wrestled with her conscience. She wanted so much to just say yes, but the easy option, the one you wanted with all your heart, wasn’t always the right one. ‘You’ve always maintained that marriage wasn’t an option for you…or if it was it would be when you’re old and grey and settled in your ways.’

‘I’ve changed the plan,’ he said wryly.

‘For all the wrong reasons.’ She toyed with the food in front of her. ‘Unlike you, I’ve had a few weeks to think about this situation, Dex. And, yes, I know we’re good together—’

‘Wildly good,’ he interrupted her, a gleam in his eyes.

She smiled, a tremulous half-smile, as she tried to keep her mind clear. ‘Wildly good.’ She nodded. ‘But it’s not enough. I meant it when I said last night that you can’t build a marriage without love, and I want everything,’ she murmured sardonically. ‘Including the band and the crash of cymbals.’

‘I’ll get down on one knee if you want me to?’

She looked across and met the humour in his expression with a wry smile. ‘In my condition that could be dangerous.’

He raised one eyebrow.

‘I could fall off the chair in shock.’

‘You’ve got a warped sense of humour, Alli.’ He grinned, then reached into his shirt pocket and brought out a small blue velvet box. ‘Maybe this will help.’

She looked at him questioningly.

‘Aren’t you going to open it?’

She reached to pick it up. Inside there was a large solitaire diamond, square-cut, exquisite. It took her breath away.

‘The jeweller said that if it doesn’t fit you can bring it in and he’ll adjust it.’

‘It’s beautiful, Dex. When did you get it?’

‘What do you think I was doing today in my lunch-hour?’ he asked with a raised eyebrow. ‘You don’t think I have time to eat, do you?’

She smiled and closed the box. ‘It’s a beautiful ring. Thank you, Dex. It’s a lovely gesture.’ Somehow she kept her voice steady.

He frowned. ‘It’s not a gesture. It’s a proposal—a sincere, serious proposal.’

‘But not as sincere as when you proposed once before, to…what was her name? Clare?’ For a second she lost control of her voice and it trembled.

His features darkened. ‘That was a long time ago. I was another person back then.’

‘You were in love; you still remember what it feels like.’

‘I remember the pain of losing her.’ He spoke bluntly. ‘I remember not being in control of my emotions for a long time after her death. If that’s what love does to you…’ He shook his head. ‘I never want to feel that loss again.’

It was the first time he had ever spoken so openly about that period of his life. Alicia felt the rawness in his words, saw it in his eyes. It shocked her. It made her look at him differently. She’d thought she knew him so well…he was the strong businessman, always in control, realistic. But was he that hard-headed? Was this man, who was always so measured when it came to talking about his emotions, simply frightened of letting go…scared of risking love again?

The idea started a flicker of hope within her. If he was serious about marrying her, maybe given time he would fall in love again. Perhaps if she was patient…

She cleared her throat, trying desperately to be sensible, but there was a small voice inside urging her to throw away caution and abandon pride, tell him she had enough love for the two of them.

‘I care about you.’ Dex’s voice was grim. ‘I’ll look after you, Alicia. That’s as much as I can promise…I’m sorry.’

His flat tone dampened her romantic daydreams.

‘I don’t want to be looked after.’ Her voice was quiet, barely audible. She had been ‘looked after’ in the home where she’d grown up. She knew how miserable life could be without someone who really loved you.

‘As I see it, the most important point is that we are expecting a child. We no longer have the luxury of putting ourselves first.’

Alicia didn’t say anything. She was tempted to just agree with him. She took a deep breath. ‘But the fact remains that if I wasn’t pregnant we would never have considered getting married. What we’ve had has been exciting, but never serious.’

His features tightened. ‘If you weren’t pregnant you would be skipping off to Sydney, you mean. And our affair, for all its wild excitement, would be forgotten.’

Nothing was further from the truth, but some gleam of pride made her look across the table, meet his eyes and say steadily, ‘Maybe you’re right.’

She was rewarded by a brief expression of disquiet in the darkness of his eyes. But her small feeling of accomplishment was short-lived. This was too important to play mind games with. ‘But let’s face it, Dex, the idea of marrying me never crossed your mind before yesterday. So what on earth is the point of rushing into something you don’t really want? Especially now.’ Alicia picked up her knife and fork and proceeded to eat her meal, although she had absolutely no appetite. She wondered how she was managing to keep so calm…so realistic…when it was nothing to the way her heart felt. ‘Your business is in a delicate period of transition. Your finances are stretched.’

‘I never realised that finances made such a difference to you.’ Dex was very cool now.

‘They don’t—’

His eyes flicked over the heightened colour in her face. ‘Except that Peter has filled your head with ideas of the colossal money to be made as a top model.’

‘How many people rise to be top models?’ Alicia was dismissive. ‘Anyway that has nothing to do with this.’

‘Like hell it doesn’t.’ He stared at her intently. ‘You’re thinking about not having the baby, aren’t you?’

‘That couldn’t be further from the truth.’ She was horrified by the suggestion.

‘So why won’t you marry me?’

She put down her cutlery and leaned back in her chair. ‘I’ve told you. Because it doesn’t feel right.’

‘I’m not always going to be strapped for cash, Alicia,’ he said seriously. ‘I’m going to be very successful. You do believe in me, don’t you?’

‘Of course.’ She looked across at him earnestly. ‘This has nothing to do with money or success or power, or anything like that, it’s to do with you and I.’

He didn’t look convinced. There was silence for a while. She put her knife and fork straight on her plate; she couldn’t eat anything more, felt that if she had another mouthful of food it might stick in her throat.

‘Do you want to order something else?’ he asked.

She shook her head.

‘You should eat something more, you need to keep your strength up.’

Alicia’s lips twisted in a wry smile. ‘I can take care of myself, Dex. You don’t have to start worrying about me.’

He put up his hand and summoned the waiter. ‘Do you think we could have the bill, please?’ he asked politely.

Looking across at him now, Alicia could see a shuttered expression on the handsome face. He seemed withdrawn, remote.

‘Dex, don’t be angry with me,’ she said quietly. ‘How can I agree to something when I know deep down it just isn’t going to work?’

He didn’t say anything to that.

She watched as he paid the bill and then picked up the ring box from the table. ‘Let’s go, shall we?’

Numbly she followed him out of the restaurant. They crossed the quiet road towards the car.

It was a clear, moonlit night. The sea looked a silver colour, and the palm trees that lined the beach were dark silhouettes.

There was a children’s playground under the trees. A couple were pushing a little girl on a swing and her laughter drifted on the night air. It was the only sound except for the sea.

They got into the car, but Dex didn’t start the engine right away.

‘We could be like them.’ Dex nodded his head in the direction of the couple.

She felt her heart squeeze inside.

‘But you’re throwing it all away.’

She couldn’t answer him, couldn’t find the strength to answer him.

‘OK we don’t love each other,’ he grated. ‘But we’re friends…we’re good together in bed.’

‘Too good.’ It took a lot to find the fortitude to joke now.

‘I want our baby, Alicia.’

‘I know.’ Her voice was very quiet. He wanted the baby more than he wanted her.

‘But what happens after you get bored with the good sex?’ Her voice crumbled. ‘I mean, I suppose, apart from Clare, you’ve never kept a girlfriend past a few months, Dex.’

‘You mean when you’re past your sell-by date?’ He grinned, with a return to his good humour.

‘Something like that.’ Her lips twisted in bitter amusement.

‘OK, since Clare I’ve never wanted to settle down… But then I never figured I’d be this excited about becoming a dad.’

Something about the way he said those words made her want to melt inside.

She made no effort to resist as he took her into his arms.

He found her lips and kissed her, a long, sweet kiss that made her senses reel.

She felt his hands on her body, stroking her, caressing her.

Her breathing was uneven; she could feel her heart pumping against the silky coolness of his hand.

Her heart was his; it always had been. He only had to lay a hand on her to stake his claim.

‘Marry me, Alli, and I’ll make you happy. We’ll have good sex, lots of money and even more babies, if you want!’

She laughed through a shimmer of tears. ‘What a proposal! You’re crazy, Dexter.’

‘Can I take that as a yes?’ He pulled away to look at her. The car was in darkness, and all he could really see was the vivid glitter of her blue eyes.

‘I think you can,’ she admitted softly.

Who was she kidding? she wondered with bittersweet satire. The answer had always been yes. She had just been hoping… Her breathing faltered; her mind clouded. She had just been hoping for the impossible…that Dex would say he loved her. But she supposed numbly that you couldn’t have everything…

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