The Keysha Diaries, Volume One

four

We decided to go to Evergreen Plaza, which was on the corner of 95th Street and Western Street. Toya wanted to hit a mall where she was least likely to run into someone she knew. We had to catch two buses and the El train to get there. We had to hop on the Laramie bus and take it to the Lake Street El. Then we took the El to 95th Street. Then we took the 95th Street bus all the way down to Western Avenue. The journey was long and boring until we got on the bus at 95th Street. The bus was very crowded, which meant that some of the passengers had to stand in the aisle. Just as Toya, Junior and I got situated some younger boy dressed like a thug reject tried to step to me. He wasn’t cute at all. He had tight nappy hair that needed to be cut, and his breath was so funky I could see the words coming out of his mouth. He had on a dingy white shirt and some baggy shorts that were pulled down so that they could hang low.

“What’s up, girl?” He tried to add some bass to his voice but it cracked on him, and Toya and I busted up laughing.

“What’s up, boo?” Toya answered as she continued to laugh in his face and bounce Junior up and down on her lap to keep him amused.

“I wasn’t talking you. I was talking to your girl, here,” he said with a tone of arrogance.

“Oh, well I guess I’ll keep my mouth shut, hint, hint...” Toya continued her snickering as she covered her nose with one hand.

“So what’s up, girl? Why don’t you roll with a baller like me?”

“Maybe if a baller had a breath mint, a hair cut and looked better than you.” I laughed.

“Oh, snap!” Toya blurted out. “I think that’s your cue to leave, boo.”

“I’ve got a car. It’s in the shop right now,” he explained, but I didn’t want to encourage him.

“Yeah, whatever. You don’t even look old enough to drive,” I said, thinking that my comment would make him shut up and move on.

“Girl, I just look young. I’m seventeen,” he continued.

“Well, you look like you’re twelve,” I shot back.

“Oh, damn,” Toya blurted out once again. “You need to work on your macking skills.”

“You know, somebody needs to put that attitude of yours in check,” he said as if he were the person who could do it.

“Well, until that person comes along, I would suggest that you leave.”

He made a hissing sound and then moved toward the rear of the bus and away from us. “Your ass is ugly, anyway,” I heard him mutter. I wanted to say something mean about his mother but decided to let it go. The last thing I wanted was to get into a battle of wits with him. I just wasn’t in the mood for it.

“Damn, girl, he was kind of cute,” Toya leaned into me and whispered.

“No, he wasn’t. That boy looked whack and had breath that smelled like the Crypt Keeper from that show Tales From the Crypt. Hell, all he needed was a coffin to complete the look.”

“Why are you so mean?” Toya asked as she repositioned Junior on her lap yet again.

“He was on my nerves,” I answered as I tried to focus on how we were going to get the merchandise we wanted without getting busted. In the back of my mind, I understood that if I got caught, my mother wouldn’t be able to get me out of jail, and I had no one else I could really depend on to rescue me.

* * *

“We shouldn’t do this today, Toya.” I tried to stop her before we entered the mall through the Carson Pirie Scott entrance. My thoughts had gotten the best of me during the remainder of the bus ride down 95th Street.

“No, we’re here now, and I didn’t sit on that long bus ride just to turn around and go home empty-handed.” Toya was being stubborn, and I didn’t know how to break through and make her think. I glanced down at Junior, who was strapped in his stroller fast asleep.

“Keysha, sometimes you have to live for the moment and do stuff. We can do this and walk out of here with bags filled with all types of designer clothes.” I released a big sigh as I held the door open for her.

When we entered Carson Pirie Scott, I stopped at the perfume counter and kept the saleswoman busy with questions while Toya walked around and removed several sample bottles from the display counter. Once she’d gotten what she wanted, she exited the store through the mall entrance. After I ditched the sales lady, I caught up with Toya inside the mall.

“Did you get some good stuff?” I asked.

“I got what I could,” she answered.

“I’m surprised Junior didn’t wake up,” I said as I glanced down at him.

“That’s why I was playing with him on the bus, to make him sleep,” Toya said. “I told you. I’ve thought about every aspect of my plan. I’m about to go into that designer store right over there.” Toya pointed to where she was going. I turned in the direction that she pointed.

“Do you see the cashier standing behind the counter reading a book?”

“Yeah, I see. She’s reading The Coldest Winter Ever,” I answered.

“Did you read it?” Toya asked. Toya didn’t like reading nearly as much as I did. At times, especially when I’m feeling depressed, I’ll go on a reading binge to escape from my reality. The Coldest Winter was read during my last escape from my reality.

“Yeah, I read it.”

“I knew your ass was a closet geek.”

“Shut up. That book was real good,” I said.

“Really?” Toya smiled.

“Yeah, I mean, it was good from start to end.” I was about to go on and tell her more but she cut me off.

“You can keep her busy talking about the book, while I go in there and rob her blind.”

“You just make sure you get me some jeans,” I said.

“I got you.” Toya winked at me. “Now go in there so that she doesn’t think we’re together.”

I walked into the store and pretended to be shopping for something. The salesgirl didn’t even look up at me. I could tell she was lost inside the world the author had created. At that moment, I felt bad that I was about to take advantage of her because I identified with her. I began to think that if she’s anything like me, a good book will have her in a daydreamlike state for hours. Sometimes when I read, an entire day can go by without me knowing it. I didn’t want to interrupt her reading because when I read, I hate to be interrupted. I glanced back outside toward the mall and saw Toya giving me a strange glare. I could read the expression on her face. She wanted to know why I wasn’t talking to the girl. I wanted to tell Toya to hit another store, but I knew she’d have a fit if I suggested it because the setup at this store was too perfect.

“That was a really good book,” I mentioned to the salesgirl as I approached the counter. “They should make that book into a movie.”

“This would be such a good movie if they made it,” said the salesgirl as she glanced up from the page.

“Who do you think could play the roll of Winter?” I asked her. She appeared to be distracted for a moment as she looked past my shoulder toward the front door.

“I’m sorry, I thought that lady over there with the baby needed help.”

I turned and looked at Toya, who was reaching down for her diaper bag.

“Are you sure she doesn’t need help? I could wait until you’re done,” I said, taking a huge gamble.

“No, that’s okay. She’ll probably just look at a few things and leave. That’s what most of the young girls pushing a baby do.”

“Okay, so if they turned the book into a movie, I think that girl from the television show The Parkers should play Winter.” I paused as I tried to think of the actress’s name. “You know that one that plays Kim Parker, oh, what is her name?”

“Wait a minute, it’s coming to me,” said the salesgirl. “She has a weird name, like, Count something.” I immediately snapped my fingers.

“Countess Vaughn. That’s her name,” I finally said.

“I don’t know if she could pull it off,” said the salesgirl.

“You don’t think she could play the part of Winter from the book?” I said, surprised.

“I think you need someone who looks a little harder and rougher. I think Vivica Foxx could play the part.”

“She’s too old,” I quickly pointed out.

“I know, but she could probably pull it off,” the salesgirl countered. For the next half hour, the salesgirl and I discussed and debated the character and situations within the novel. I’d gotten so caught up with talking about the book with someone who’d actually read it that I forgot all about meeting back up with Toya. When I finally realized how much time had gone by, I said thank you to the salesgirl and rushed out of the store.

“Hey, what’s your name?” she asked before I got out the door.

“Keysha,” I said and rushed down the hall before I heard her tell me what her name was. When I caught up with Toya, she had an attitude.

“Dang, Keysha, I just said talk to the girl about the book not have a damn study lecture on it. You’d better watch yourself with all that geek nonsense. You and that girl were talking like the people in that book were real or something.”

I wanted to defend myself and tell Toya I really enjoyed reading and it was cool to actually talk to another reader, but she wouldn’t have understood. Toya and books just didn’t mix on any level.

“Come on, nerd girl. Let’s hit another store.”

“Don’t call me that,” I snapped at her.

“All right, bookworm, don’t go and get all sensitive on me.” I wanted to scream at her for calling me names but instead I kept my mouth shut and followed her down the corridor to the next store. Toya and I hit three more stores and by that time the stroller was loaded down and Junior had awakened and was fighting to be set free from his stroller.

“I think we should head back now,” I suggested as we approached the food court.

“Damn, I wanted to hit at least one more store. I haven’t gotten Junior anything yet.”

“Well, let me go to the bathroom first,” I said. We walked into the food court, and Toya took a seat at one of the tables so that she could release Junior from his stroller before he started shouting.

* * *

I was about to exit the bathroom but needed to wash my hands first. As I placed my hands under the warm running water, two restaurant employees walked into the restroom laughing and talking loudly.

“Can you believe that dumb girl is down here stealing clothes with her baby?” I overheard one of them say.

“Then she pulled out a bogus receipt talking about how she’d paid for everything.” The two girls started laughing uncontrollably. I rushed out of the bathroom and saw that three Chicago Police officers and mall security guards had handcuffed Toya to restrain her.

“Oh, damn,” I said as I began to panic. I didn’t know what to do. I was frozen with fear. Toya was yelling at one of the officers to put Junior down before she filed a lawsuit against them. Toya caught my gaze for a minute and motioned with her head for me to come over to where she was at. I started to take a step towards her but I stopped. I suddenly wanted no part of any of the drama that was going down. To my right there was an exit. Toya must have sensed what I was thinking and so she called out my name.

“Keysha!” she shouted at the top of her voice. As calmly as I could, I turned my back on her and walked hastily toward the exit.

five

My stomach was doing flips during the entire journey back home. I was nervous, afraid and confused. I placed my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands and tried to think. I wanted to cry but I didn’t. I was trying to figure out how Toya got caught. Everything was going so well. We’d moved in and out of stores without any problems. No merchandise alarms went off, and I know Toya was extra careful by making sure she was out of the sight range of the video cameras.

When I arrived home I found a big red notice stuck to our front door. It was an eviction notice. My mom and I had three days to either pay the rent or be set outdoors. Oh, God, not again, I thought to myself as I entered the apartment. I walked directly over to my sofa, rested my head on one of the cushions and went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night. My mother still hadn’t come home, and I needed someone to talk to. The first person who came to mind was my ex-boyfriend, Ronnie. Even though I hadn’t spoken to him in a while, I decided to call him hoping he’d be nice to me and listen to my problems. I gathered up some spare change and walked out of the apartment and onto the stoop. When I stepped out into the darkness I noticed that there were people just hanging out. Across the street, there was a group of kids I didn’t know listening to music and dancing. To my right, there was a gathering of men sitting on makeshift crates drinking alcohol and talking loudly. To my left, I saw a woman wearing coochie cutter shorts, leaned over into the passenger window of a car talking with two men. Other men who were passing by her on the sidewalk stopped to ogle her behind. At that moment everything in my life seemed to be going wrong. Everyone around me seemed to be crazy, and they were making me crazy just by being around them. I calmed myself down as best as I could and walked up the street to the payphone. I called up Ronnie.

“Yeah,” he said as he answered the phone.

“Hey, Ronnie, it’s me, Keysha. What are you doing?” I asked.

“Why?” he shot back at me.

“Um...” I lost my nerve for a minute. “Do you really not love me anymore?” I don’t know why I asked that question. I suppose in some sort of way I just wanted someone to care about me.

“You know I don’t,” he answered coldly.

“Do you want to come over? My mother isn’t home. We could talk and stuff.”

“Naw, I’m not even going to get down with you like that, Keysha. It’s over. A baller like me has got to move on.”

“You know what, Ronnie, I should come—hello, hello?” Ronnie had hung up on me. I slammed the phone against its cradle and started crying. I let go of my tears for a minute before I got myself together and headed back home.

* * *

The following morning, I got up and headed to my first day of school completely unprepared. I walked through the halls dazed and spaced out because I had so much on my mind. I was worried about Toya and Junior and didn’t know what to do. I was worried about my mother and how she was going to deal with the eviction notice. I was worried about school because, even though it wasn’t socially acceptable to say I enjoyed school on any level other than to socialize, I actually really enjoyed my literature class.

I had no idea of how I was going to make it through school, and the person I depended on would most certainly leave me hanging, just as she’d done so many times in the past.

I just entered my history class and took a seat at the back of the room. I was hoping the teacher, and everyone else, for that matter, wouldn’t notice me. Once the roll call was completed, the course syllabus was handed out. Just as we were about to go over it, the principal and two police officers entered the classroom.

“Oh, shit,” I whispered loudly. Toya must have tricked on me, and now the police were there to arrest me. I wanted to run out of the room but I couldn’t because there was only one way in and one way out. The principal began searching the room, and I scrunched down in my seat as far as I could without actually going up under my desk. I was doing the best that I could to hide in plain sight. The principal finally found the student the police were searching for and I was thankful that it wasn’t me.

“Dang, girl, you were trying to get up under the floor,” said Lynn Jones, who was one weird girl.

“Yeah, whatever,” I said to her.

“What did you do that has you afraid of the police?” she wanted to know.

“None of your damn business,” I snapped at her for being nosy.

“Well, forget you, too. The next time the police come into this class I’m just going to start pointing my finger at you so they’ll see you.”

I leaned over in my seat and looked directly at her. “If you do that I’ll put superglue on all of your clothes during gym.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” she said, not believing me.

“Try me,” I said, unafraid of her. She didn’t say anything else to me so I dropped our conversation.

* * *

When I arrived home, I saw Toya’s grandmother standing outside the building. She was wearing a one-size-fits-all flower-print dress, some run-over and worn-out looking brown sandals, her black sunglasses for the blind, and she had her white walking stick with the red tip. When I approached her I spoke.

“Hello, Ms. Maze.” She turned to the direction of my voice.

“Who is that?”

“It’s me, Keysha. Toya’s friend,” I answered her.

“Oh, how are you doing, baby?” she inquired.

“I’m okay. I’m just coming home from school.”

“That’s good, honey. I wish Toya was more like you and stayed in school.” Ms. Maze hung her head low for a moment. “Oh, I don’t know what I’m going to do with that girl.”

“Um, where is she at?” I asked because I hadn’t heard from or seen Toya.

“She’s gotten herself and the baby into some trouble. I’m going to see what I can do about getting her out of jail.”

“Oh,” I said. I wanted to tell her everything but I couldn’t. I just didn’t have the courage. “Is she okay?”

“As well as to be expected,” she answered me.

“Do you think she’ll be getting out today?” I asked.

“I’m going to do my best to get her out,” she said.

“Um, where is Junior?” I asked as I shifted my weight from one foot to the other.

“Oh, baby, I don’t know.” Ms. Maze got choked up and couldn’t speak for a long moment.

“Keysha, are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“Do me a favor, and stand here with me until the cab I called comes along. I’d like for you to help me get in the car.”

“Okay,” I said, feeling very bad about her having to go down to the police station to see about Toya. What made me feel even worse was the fact that she didn’t know what had happened to her great-grandson, Junior.

* * *

When the cab arrived I made sure that she got in without any problem. I then turned to head inside. I was hoping that my mother had come home. When I walked up to our apartment I saw there was another eviction notice posted to the door. I snatched it down and walked inside. The notice said that we now had two days to either pay the rent or be put out.

“Mama!” I called out even though I knew she wasn’t home. The Murphy bed was still inside the wall and hadn’t been used.

“Damn!” I shouted because I didn’t know what to do. I paced back and forth across the floor trying to figure out where she’d gone and where she could be. It wasn’t uncommon for my mother to disappear for several days at a time. Especially when we lived with my Grandmother Rubylee and my Aunt Estelle. I really didn’t care about her disappearing then because I knew that either Aunt Estelle or Grandmother Rubylee would be around if I needed them. Now our lives were much different, and I had no choice but to worry about where Justine was. I was driving myself crazy trying to figure out what I should do. I finally decided that there wasn’t anything I could do. I could only hope that in my hour of need, my mother wouldn’t leave me hanging. I could only hope that by some miracle she’d manage to keep a roof over our heads.

six

When I woke up the following day, I was hoping to discover Justine had come home during the night. To my horror, she hadn’t. I swallowed hard and tried not to panic. It was clear that she wasn’t going to make it back home. I held on to hope that she’d be home by the time I returned from school, but in the back of my mind and deep in my heart I knew the chances of her returning were slim to none.

I walked over to the bed and got down on my knees. I peeked beneath the mattress and removed a small box filled with photographs. I opened the box and pulled out the first one, which was taken when I was about six years old. My Aunt Estelle took the photo. In the picture I was wearing my favorite blue dress. My hair was combed and braided beautifully. It was Easter Sunday and I was holding a stuffed bunny rabbit and smiling as hard as I could. I remember being so happy that day. It was one of the rare times that everyone was happy. I pulled out another photo of my Grandmother Rubylee and me. I was nine years old in this photo, which was taken at Rainbow Beach. My skin was so brown because I’d been out in the sun all day, and I had brown sand on my legs up to my knees. I was always pretending that my daddy lived in a real castle somewhere very far away and he was waiting for me to come and visit him. When my mother came over to see it, I told her that I thought my daddy lived in a castle like the one I was building. She laughed and said that I had been out in the sun too long and was becoming delusional. She didn’t like to talk about anyone being my father. She always told me that she was both my mother and my father.

The final photo was taken at my eighth-grade graduation. I was standing in my blue and silver cap and grown. I’d graduated at the top of the class. I was a straight 4.0 student. I never missed a day of school, did all of my homework and studied hard because I wanted to prove to everyone that I was worth something. I wanted to feel validated in some way. I was so happy that day because I’d made everyone proud of me. It was one of the few times that I can remember where I felt good about myself. That day was perfect, well, at least as perfect as it could have been. Rubylee and my Aunt Estelle were there, but my mother wasn’t. Rubylee insisted that she not show up and ruin my day. At the time of my graduation, my mother was in rehab for drug addiction. I remember wanting to do everything that I could to help her stay healthy, but my mother just kept getting into trouble. It was like trouble followed her as if it were a gray storm cloud on a mission to make her as miserable as possible. I didn’t work nearly as hard back then. I thought good grades would somehow not only validate me but also motivate my mother to be more supportive and proud of me, but she didn’t care at all. I figured, if she didn’t care then why should I?

I put the box away because it was depressing me to look through it. I placed it in a bag with my other belongings and left everything sitting on my sofa. I got dressed and headed off to school, even though I really didn’t want to be there. But in my mind, it was better than sitting around the apartment worrying myself into sickness. In many ways, school was where I escaped from my reality.