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Reviewing what he knew of the people he’d so far met, he decided Amelia was the one to tackle. His parents—and the thought still left him stunned that he could forget the very people who had given him life and raised him—well, they just looked too fragile to quiz. Amelia, on the other hand, seemed strong. Defiant, maybe. Hesitant about him, definitely. But strong.
He found himself curious about her. Who exactly was she to him? Were they lovers? The thought brought a smile to his lips. He fervently hoped they were and would be again. He was finding it hard to take his eyes off her and more often than not, he caught her sliding gazes his way as well. There was something between them, all right, something he was anxious to explore.
He turned as the door opened and a large man with very short gray hair entered the room. “Ah, I see you’re awake,” he said.
Ryder, who suddenly felt less than half dressed in the hospital garb that opened down the back, pulled the gown close around his body and said, “Do I know you?”
“No, actually, you don’t,” the man said. He flipped aside his jacket and Ryder found himself staring at a police shield. “I’m Detective Hill. I have a few questions to ask you.”
Ryder shook his head and slowly made his way back to the bed. “I have to warn you,” he said. “I’m currently in the dark about damn near everything.”
“Yes,” Hill said. “I hear you’re claiming to have amnesia.”
Ryder frowned at the man as he pulled the blankets up over his legs. His head still pounded, but generally speaking, he felt pretty good. He said, “Why do you sound so sure I’m faking it?”
The detective smiled. Maybe smiled wasn’t the right word. Smirked might have been closer to it. He said, “It just comes at a rather opportunistic time, that’s all. I hear you can’t remember a thing about the accident.”
“That’s right,” Ryder said, his gut suddenly clenching like an angry fist. He said, “What should I be remembering, Detective Hill?”
“Well, for starters, your brother.”
“I’ve been told I have a brother named Philip. I understand he was off on his honeymoon when the accident occurred. He’s away again for a few weeks so I haven’t met him yet, but I can’t imagine what he has to do with anything.”
“I’m talking about your other brother,” Hill said. “Your twin. The one who died when the car you were both riding in hit the bottom of the ravine.”
As Ryder stared at Hill, his heart seemed to stop beating. A twin? He shook his head, convinced the man was lying. No one had said a word about a twin brother killed in the accident.
But Hill returned his stare with a defiant tilt to his chin. He wasn’t lying.
Ryder’s heart began beating again, erratically at first as though it was only half a heart pumping for half a man. A twin. He’d lost a brother and he didn’t remember. He raged against the injustice of it. He was repelled and saddened and furious. He felt vulnerable—why hadn’t someone warned him?
Hill’s gaze was steady and belligerent. For a second, it seemed the detective was looking right into the depths of Ryder’s soul. Let him. Let him see what he wanted to see. Ryder had nothing to hide, only himself to discover.
And then Ryder rebelled against the scrutiny and glanced away. He decided he would not show his tumultuous emotions to the controlled, suspicious man in front of him. The ache this newfound loss produced in his heart seemed too private, too raw, too foreign.
“Where are you going with this?” he choked out at last.
He was answered with narrowed eyes and a sentence delivered staccato. “You’re either a very good actor or you’re telling the truth. You really don’t remember.”
“Maybe I’m a very good actor who also can’t remember a thing,” Ryder said. “Your guess is as good as mine when it comes to knowing who or what I am.”
The door swung open and Dr. Solomon came into the room, clipboard in hand. She took one look at Hill over the top of her bifocals and said, “I distinctly recall asking you to wait a few days until this boy’s memory returns. Do I have to put a guard in front of his door?”
The detective held up both hands. “I was here anyway so I decided to check—”
“I told you he is currently suffering from acute memory loss.”
“I wanted to see for myself,” Hill said, leveling a stare at Ryder. “Sometimes doctors are taken in by things the police can see right through.”
“Sweet talking will get you nowhere,” she said dryly. “Now leave.”
Hill started to protest, but the doctor was a tough cookie who refused to budge an inch. She took his arm and gently but firmly expelled him from the room. The man’s parting words, delivered with an icy calm, were, “I’ll be back, Mr. Hogan. You can count on it.”
Amelia had apparently been right out in the hall, for she came in immediately.
She closed the door behind her and leaned against it. Her position made her shirt cling to her body, and once he got past the tantalizing curves of her breasts, he was suddenly aware of the bulge in her abdomen. Was she pregnant? If she was, it put a whole new spin on their relationship.
“What did that man say to you?” she demanded.
Ryder looked from Amelia to the doctor and back again. “He told me I lost a twin brother in the accident that landed me in this hospital.” The two women exchanged a long look. Ryder said, “It’s true, then.”
Dr. Solomon nodded.
“And neither one of you thought to tell me. An over-sight?”
The doctor said, “Ah, sarcasm.”
“I need to know exactly what happened.”
Amelia said, “It was a car accident. You survived, Rob didn’t.”
“Rob,” Ryder said, wishing with all his heart that he could recall this brother. “Were we identical?”
“Yes,” Amelia said softly.
Looking at the doctor, he said, “Aren’t identical twins supposed to have a special bond of some kind? How can he be dead and I can’t even remember him?”
Dr. Solomon touched his arm. “Give yourself time,” she said. “Maybe you should be thankful that, for the moment, you don’t have to face the pain this loss will ultimately cost you.”
“Thankful,” he mused, feeling anything but. Did she have any idea how frightening it was to feel nothing but a giant void inside your head?
The doctor handed him a small paper cup that held a trio of pills. As she poured water into a glass, she added, “You’ve had more than your share of excitement for today. Go to sleep now. Maybe when you wake up, all your memories will be exactly where you left them.”
“That’s what Dr. Bass said,” Ryder informed her. “Only he had fancier words for it.”
“It’s a psychologist’s job to have fancy words for everything,” Dr. Solomon said with a smile.
He downed the pills. Truth of the matter was, he’d had enough of this day, with people staring at him, waiting for him to remember them, waiting for him to remember anything. And, he admitted to himself, Hill had upset him. What was that guy’s problem?
A nurse appeared and he spent the next several minutes having his blood pressure checked and his temperature taken. He could live without any more medical attention, too. Eventually, apparently satisfied that he wasn’t going to expire in the next few hours, Dr. Solomon patted his blanket-covered leg and left the room with the nurse. Amelia fluffed his pillows. It seemed to Ryder that she was purposefully avoiding looking at him.
He caught her arm as he laid his head back against the cool softness of the pillow. Her skin was very smooth, like satin. He wondered how often he had touched her in the past, and what kind of feelings his touch engendered now. Did the feel of his skin against hers arouse her the way it did him? Judging from the way she stared at his fingers, the answer was a resounding no.
“I have a few questions I was hoping you could answer,” he said, still holding on to her hand.
She looked over her shoulder as though hoping help was lurking in the wings. “Such as?”
“Well, to start with, where are we? Specifically, I mean.”
“Seaport, Oregon. Good Samaritan Hospital, room 305. You were born in this hospital over twenty-eight years ago.”
“What do I do for a living?”
“You’re an attorney with Goodman, Todd and Flanders.”
Incredulous, he said, “I’m a lawyer?”
“According to Bill Goodman, a very good lawyer. A trial lawyer mostly, though we met when you helped me settle my father’s affairs after he died.”
He tried to picture himself in a courtroom. He tried to imagine himself defending a murderer, talking to a jury, approaching a judge. He knew lawyers did all that stuff—he simply could not recall himself in the role.
With a lilt to her voice, she said, “Does it bring back memories for you?”
Slowly, he shook his head. “Not a one.”
“The roses are from Miles Flanders. He says you’re not to worry about the Dalton case. People you work with have been calling.”
He could see she was waiting for all this to ring a mental bell, but the thought of practicing law was as foreign as everything else. Tearing his eyes from the vase of yellow roses, he peered at her intently. “Who, exactly, are you?”
“Amelia—”
“I know your name. But who are you? Start with who you are to me.”
She shrugged. She said, “We’re friends.”
He raised her hand to his face and kissed her fingers. She smelled like fresh flowers and sunshine, not at all like the hospital. He yearned to pull her into his arms and find out what her mouth tasted like. The expression on her face stopped him from doing it. She was staring at him as though he was mad, crazy! He said, “Friends? Is that all?”
“Ask me about something else,” she said firmly, withdrawing her hand. “Or better yet, go to sleep like the doctor ordered.”
He decided to temporarily let her off the hook. “Do I have other siblings I can’t recall?”
“No. You have just the two brothers.” A sharp intake of breath signaled she’d heard her own words. She said, “I’m sorry. You had two brothers, now you have Philip.”
“Was I close to…Rob?”
Her eyes immediately sparkled like distant stars. She took a deep breath and hesitated.
“Come on, Amelia. I’m at a distinct disadvantage with everyone around here. Just tell me the truth. Was I close to my twin brother?”
She wiped away the moisture from her eyes, ran a hand through her hair and said, “Not particularly.”
“Why?”
“I’m not sure.”
“You’re copping out on me,” he snapped.
She shook her head. For the first time, it occurred to him that she looked drained, both emotionally and physically. He’d been so aware of the unease in her eyes that he hadn’t noticed the dark circles under them. She’d been at his side in the hospital each time he awoke, so she’d probably been here off and on since the accident.
He said, “You’re pregnant, aren’t you?”
She paused a heartbeat before nodding.
Woozy, he rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes for a second. Damn! The pills were kicking in just as things were getting interesting. He said, “Who’s the father?”
She loosened his grip on her arm. Her eyes were huge as she stared at him. Finally, she said, “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“But—”
“Please. Don’t ask me again.”
He wanted desperately to press her for details, but his eyelids each weighed a ton. As the world grew dark, he searched his mind for something to cling to. All he could find were a pair of gray eyes.
“It’s been almost two weeks,” Dr. Solomon said. Seated beside her was the psychologist, Dr. Bass, a man in his early fifties with slick black hair and an elegant pencil-thin mustache. He drummed his fingers against a thick file entitled “R. Hogan.”
“Which brings us to the conclusion that this amnesia is going to last a little longer than we hoped,” Dr. Solomon continued.
Amelia glanced at Jack and Nina who sat next to her at the conference table. They both looked worn to a frazzle. For different reasons, she knew exactly how they felt. Since awakening, Ryder had gravitated to her for support and comfort, and the struggle to remain friendly but aloof was taking its toll.
“Physically, he’s doing very well,” Dr. Solomon said.
The shrink, as Ryder called Dr. Bass, added, “I believe the amnesia may be the result of the traumatic events surrounding the accident and his brother’s death. Survivor’s guilt, in other words.”
“But we’ve been so careful to say nothing,” Nina said.
“I don’t think he even knows he was driving,” Jack added.
Amelia said, “He’s been asking a lot of very…difficult questions. I’ve tried to keep the answers positive and upbeat, like you suggested.”
Dr. Bass leaned across the table. “Nevertheless, deep inside his subconscious, he knows. The amnesia may be his way of hiding from the truth. I don’t want his guilt in this matter discussed until he’s had a little more time.”
“I’ve talked to the district attorney,” Dr. Solomon said. “I told him about Ryder’s condition and he agreed to delay any criminal action until Ryder recalls who he is and what happened that night. Frankly, I happen to know the blood alcohol tests administered to both Hogan boys at the clinic were botched. The nurse drew the blood, but an orderly made a mess of things.”
“It’s not the first time we’ve had trouble with that clinic,” Dr. Bass said.
“They’re small and understaffed and way out in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, I can’t see that the state has a leg to stand on. With Ryder’s connections, I don’t imagine finding competent legal help will be a problem.”
“We’ve already talked to Mr. Flanders,” Nina said. “He told us pretty much the same thing you just did. He says everyone at the office knows they’re supposed to be quiet about the details.”
Dr. Bass said, “Good. What I want next is for you all to take him home. Back to your place, Mr. and Mrs. Hogan, back to the old room he slept in as a child.”
Nina groaned.
Jack said, “We moved into a condominium a couple of months ago. We sold the old house. I couldn’t keep it up any longer—”
“And, of course, we never dreamed something like this would happen,” Nina interrupted.
“That’s right,” Jack said, rubbing his chin. His voice grew pained as he added, “Rob moved out years ago, right after college. He went to law school in California and that’s where he set up a practice after he graduated. He had a house in San Francisco. Ryder went to law school in Oregon, but he hasn’t lived at home for five years. He just moved into a new place about a year ago. To tell you the truth, we don’t see all that much of him.”
“Not since you two broke up,” Nina added, looking at Amelia.
“That’s right,” Jack added. “After that, he pretty much kept to himself.”
“He said he was busy,” Nina said with mild reproach.
Amelia tried to look contrite. What she wanted to do was shout, Your rotten son dumped me, not the other way around! He was too busy sleeping with anyone in a skirt to visit you. Don’t blame me!
Dr. Bass tapped his pencil again. “Then that’s where he should return. Maybe it will help jar loose some memories. And you, Mrs. Hogan, had better stay with him for a while.”
Amelia was surprised to see Nina look down at her hands, tears filling her eyes. “I can’t,” she said finally.
Jack said, “Now, honey—”
“No,” she stated flatly, looking right into her husband’s eyes. Then she looked back at the doctors. “We’ve put off going to San Francisco to settle Rob’s estate for too long as it is. We’ve made all the arrangements. We leave tomorrow.”
“I can go alone,” Jack said. “You stay here with Ryder.”
She shook her head defiantly, then she looked at Amelia. “I know this is asking a lot, Amelia, but please, could you stay with Ryder for a couple of weeks? If anyone can bring our son’s memory back, it’s you.” She looked at the doctors and added, “Isn’t that right? Wouldn’t being around the woman he loves, the woman carrying his child, wouldn’t that be what’s best?”
Amelia said, “Oh, Nina, you have no idea what you’re asking—”
“Yes, I do,” Nina said with finality.
It was very clear to Amelia that what Nina was trying to say was that she was afraid to let Jack go alone to San Francisco, that if he did, who knew what might happen to him as he faced the heartwrenching task of going through Rob’s belongings. Nina was being asked the impossible—to choose between her husband and her son, one of whom was physically failing, and the other who currently didn’t know her from Adam. She was telling Amelia that she had made her choice. She was begging Amelia to make that choice tolerable by filling in for her.
Amelia felt caught between the fantasy of the Ryder she had created for his parents and the reality of the real Ryder who would rather never see her again—if he ever remembered how distasteful he had found her only a few days before. Her heart sank at the thought of returning to Ryder’s apartment with him. She hadn’t been there since the night they’d made love, since the night, she realized with a jolt, that their child had been created.
So, how did she say no to people she loved and was concerned for? And how did she turn her back on her baby’s father when he was totally unaware of what a jerk he had been—and undoubtedly would be once more? How would she look her child in the face if she didn’t do right by Ryder?
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