King Henry IV, Part 2
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SCENE IV. London. The Boar's Head Tavern in Eastcheap
Enter FRANCIS and another DRAWER
FRANCIS. What the devil hast thou brought there-apple-johns?Thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john. SECOND DRAWER. Mass, thou say'st true. The Prince once set adish of apple-johns before him, and told him there were five moreSir Johns; and, putting off his hat, said 'I will now take myleave of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.' It ang'redhim to the heart; but he hath forgot that. FRANCIS. Why, then, cover and set them down; and see if thoucanst find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hearsome music.Enter third DRAWER
THIRD DRAWER. Dispatch! The room where they supp'd is too hot; they'll come in straight. FRANCIS. Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon;and they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir Johnmust not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word. THIRD DRAWER. By the mass, here will be old uds; it will be an excellent stratagem. SECOND DRAWER. I'll see if I can find out Sneak.Exeunt second and third DRAWERSEnter HOSTESS and DOLL TEARSHEET HOSTESS. I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in anexcellent good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily asheart would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red asany rose, in good truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk toomuch canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and itperfumes the blood ere one can say 'What's this?' How do you now? DOLL. Better than I was – hem. HOSTESS. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold. Lo, here comes Sir John.Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF. [Singing] 'When Arthur first in court' – Empty the Jordan. [Exit FRANCIS] – [Singing] 'And was a worthy king' —How now, Mistress Doll! HOSTESS. Sick of a calm; yea, good faith. FALSTAFF. So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm, theyare sick. DOLL. A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfortyou give me? FALSTAFF. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll. DOLL. I make them! Gluttony and diseases make them: I make them not. FALSTAFF. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help tomake the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you;grant that, my poor virtue, grant that. DOLL. Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels. FALSTAFF. 'Your brooches, pearls, and ouches.' For to servebravely is to come halting off; you know, to come off the breach withhis pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture uponthe charg'd chambers bravely — DOLL. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself! HOSTESS. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two nevermeet but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear withanother's confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and thatmust be you. You are the weaker vessel, as as they say, the emptier vessel. DOLL. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogs-head? There's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him;you have not seen a hulk better stuff'd in the hold. Come, I'llbe friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars; andwhether I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.Re-enter FRANCIS
FRANCIS. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below and would speak with you. DOLL. Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither; itis the foul-mouth'dst rogue in England. HOSTESS. If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith!I must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am ingood name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There comesno swaggerers here; I have not liv'd all this while to have swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you. FALSTAFF. Dost thou hear, hostess? HOSTESS. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no swaggerers here. FALSTAFF. Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient. HOSTESS. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; and your ancient swagg'rer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick,the debuty, t' other day; and, as he said to me – 'twas no longerago than Wednesday last, i' good faith! – 'Neighbour Quickly,'says he – Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then – 'NeighbourQuickly,' says he 'receive those that are civil, for' said he 'you arein an ill name.' Now 'a said so, I can tell whereupon. 'For'says he 'you are an honest woman and well thought on, therefore takeheed what guests you receive. Receive' says he 'no swaggering companions.' There comes none here. You would bless you tohear what he said. No, I'll no swagg'rers. FALSTAFF. He's no swagg'rer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith;you may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll notswagger with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of resistance. Call him up, drawer.Exit FRANCIS HOSTESS. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man myhouse, nor no cheater; but I do not love swaggering, by my troth. Iam the worse when one says 'swagger.' Feel, masters, how Ishake; look you, I warrant you. DOLL. So you do, hostess. HOSTESS. Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspenleaf. I cannot abide swagg'rers.Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE
PISTOL. God save you, Sir John! FALSTAFF. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge youwith a cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess. PISTOL. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets. FALSTAFF. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend her. HOSTESS. Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I'll drinkno more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I. PISTOL. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you. DOLL. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat for your master. PISTOL. I know you, Mistress Dorothy. DOLL. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! Bythis wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you playthe saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God's light, with two points on your shoulder? Much! PISTOL. God let me not live but I will murder your ruff forthis. FALSTAFF. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol. HOSTESS. No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain. DOLL. Captain! Thou abominable damn'd cheater, art thou notashamed to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you have earn'd them. You a captain! you slave, for what? Fortearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him, rogue! He lives upon mouldy stew'd prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God's light, these villains will make the word asodious as the word 'occupy'; which was an excellent good word beforeit was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't. BARDOLPH. Pray thee go down, good ancient. FALSTAFF. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll. PISTOL. Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I couldtear her; I'll be reveng'd of her. PAGE. Pray thee go down. PISTOL. I'll see her damn'd first; to Pluto's damn'd lake, bythis hand, to th' infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vilealso. Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors!Have we not Hiren here? HOSTESS. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'faith; I beseek you now, aggravate your choler. PISTOL. These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses, And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia, Which cannot go but thirty mile a day, Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals, And Troiant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar. Shall we fall foul for toys? HOSTESS. By my troth, Captain, these are very bitter words. BARDOLPH. Be gone, good ancient; this will grow to a brawlanon. PISTOL. Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we notHiren here? HOSTESS. O' my word, Captain, there's none such here. What the good-year! do you think I would deny her? For God's sake, be quiet. PISTOL. Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis. Come, give's some sack. 'Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.' Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire. Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there. [Laying down his sword] Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings? FALSTAFF. Pistol, I would be quiet. PISTOL. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! we have seen theseven stars. DOLL. For God's sake thrust him down stairs; I cannot enduresuch a fustian rascal. PISTOL. Thrust him down stairs! Know we not Galloway nags? FALSTAFF. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groatshilling. Nay, an 'a do nothing but speak nothing, 'a shall be nothing here. BARDOLPH. Come, get you down stairs. PISTOL. What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue? [Snatching up his sword] Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days! Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say! HOSTESS. Here's goodly stuff toward! FALSTAFF. Give me my rapier, boy. DOLL. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw. FALSTAFF. Get you down stairs. [Drawing and driving PISTOL out] HOSTESS. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping houseafore I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrantnow. Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your nakedweapons.Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH DOLL. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you! HOSTESS. Are you not hurt i' th' groin? Methought 'a made ashrewd thrust at your belly.Re-enter BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF. Have you turn'd him out a doors? BARDOLPH. Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir,i' th' shoulder. FALSTAFF. A rascal! to brave me! DOLL. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson chops. Ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorousas Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain! FALSTAFF. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket. DOLL. Do, an thou dar'st for thy heart. An thou dost, I'llcanvass thee between a pair of sheets.Enter musicians
PAGE. The music is come, sir. FALSTAFF. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Don. Arascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quick-silver. DOLL. I' faith, and thou follow'dst him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thouleave fighting a days and foining a nights, and begin to patch upthine old body for heaven?Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS disguised as drawers
FALSTAFF. Peace, good Doll! Do not speak like a death's-head;do not bid me remember mine end. DOLL. Sirrah, what humour's the Prince of? FALSTAFF. A good shallow young fellow. 'A would have made agood pantler; 'a would ha' chipp'd bread well. DOLL. They say Poins has a good wit. FALSTAFF. He a good wit! hang him, baboon! His wit's as thickas Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is ina mallet. DOLL. Why does the Prince love him so, then? FALSTAFF. Because their legs are both of a bigness, and 'aplays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks offcandles' ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys,and jumps upon join'd-stools, and swears with a good grace, andwears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, andbreeds no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such othergambol faculties 'a has, that show a weak mind and an able body, forthe which the Prince admits him. For the Prince himself is such another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales betweentheir avoirdupois. PRINCE. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? POINS. Let's beat him before his whore. PRINCE. Look whe'er the wither'd elder hath not his poll claw'd like a parrot. POINS. Is it not strange that desire should so many yearsoutlive performance? FALSTAFF. Kiss me, Doll. PRINCE. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What saysth' almanac to that? POINS. And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be notlisping to his master's old tables, his note-book, hiscounsel-keeper. FALSTAFF. Thou dost give me flattering busses. DOLL. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart. FALSTAFF. I am old, I am old. DOLL. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of them all. FALSTAFF. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receivemoney a Thursday. Shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come. 'A grows late; we'll to bed. Thou't forget me when I am gone. DOLL. By my troth, thou't set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so. Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return.Well, hearken a' th' end. FALSTAFF. Some sack, Francis. PRINCE & POINS. Anon, anon, sir. [Advancing] FALSTAFF. Ha! a bastard son of the King's? And art thou notPoins his brother? PRINCE. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dostthou lead! FALSTAFF. A better than thou. I am a gentleman: thou art adrawer. PRINCE. Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears. HOSTESS. O, the Lord preserve thy Grace! By my troth, welcometo London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu,are you come from Wales? FALSTAFF. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome. [Leaning his band upon DOLL] DOLL. How, you fat fool! I scorn you. POINS. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turnall to a merriment, if you take not the heat. PRINCE. YOU whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speakof me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman! HOSTESS. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, bymy troth. FALSTAFF. Didst thou hear me? PRINCE. Yea; and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by Gadshill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it onpurpose to try my patience. FALSTAFF. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing. PRINCE. I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and then I know how to handle you. FALSTAFF. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse. PRINCE. Not to dispraise me, and call me pander, and bread-chipper, and I know not what! FALSTAFF. No abuse, Hal. POINS. No abuse! FALSTAFF. No abuse, Ned, i' th' world; honest Ned, none. I disprais'd him before the wicked – that the wicked might notfall in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a careful friend and a true subject; and thy father is to giveme thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none; no, faith,boys, none. PRINCE. See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice dothnot make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us?Is she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or isthy boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns inhis nose, of the wicked? POINS. Answer, thou dead elm, answer. FALSTAFF. The fiend hath prick'd down Bardolph irrecoverable;and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothingbut roast malt-worms. For the boy – there is a good angel abouthim; but the devil outbids him too. PRINCE. For the women? FALSTAFF. For one of them – she's in hell already, and burnspoor souls. For th' other – I owe her money; and whether she bedamn'd for that, I know not. HOSTESS. No, I warrant you. FALSTAFF. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit forthat. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for sufferingflesh to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the whichI think thou wilt howl. HOSTESS. All vict'lers do so. What's a joint of mutton or twoin a whole Lent? PRINCE. You, gentlewoman — DOLL. What says your Grace? FALSTAFF. His Grace says that which his flesh rebels against. [Knocking within] HOSTESS. Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there, Francis.Enter PETO
PRINCE. Peto, how now! What news? PETO. The King your father is at Westminster; And there are twenty weak and wearied posts Come from the north; and as I came along I met and overtook a dozen captains, Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns, And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff. PRINCE. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame So idly to profane the precious time, When tempest of commotion, like the south, Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt And drop upon our bare unarmed heads. Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.Exeunt PRINCE, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we must hence, and leave it unpick'd. [Knocking within] More knocking at the door!Re-enter BARDOLPH
How now! What's the matter? BARDOLPH. You must away to court, sir, presently; A dozen captains stay at door for you. FALSTAFF. [To the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, sirrah. – Farewell, hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of merit are sought after; the undeserver may sleep, when theman of action is call'd on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent away post, I will see you again ere I go. DOLL. I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst! Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself. FALSTAFF. Farewell, farewell.Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH HOSTESS. Well, fare thee well. I have known thee thesetwenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but an honester and truer-heartedman – well, fare thee well. BARDOLPH. [ Within] Mistress Tearsheet! HOSTESS. What's the matter? BARDOLPH. [ Within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master. HOSTESS. O, run Doll, run, run, good Come. [To BARDOLPH] She comes blubber'd. – Yea, will you come, Doll? ExeuntACT III. SCENE I. Westminster. The palace
Enter the KING in his nightgown, with a page
KING. Go call the Earls of Surrey and of Warwick; But, ere they come, bid them o'er-read these letters And well consider of them. Make good speed. Exit page How many thousands of my poorest subjects Are at this hour asleep! O sleep, O gentle sleep, Nature's soft nurse, how have I frightened thee, That thou no more will weigh my eyelids down, And steep my senses in forgetfulness? Why rather, sleep, liest thou in smoky cribs, Upon uneasy pallets stretching thee, And hush'd with buzzing night-flies to thy slumber, Than in the perfum'd chambers of the great, Under the canopies of costly state, And lull'd with sound of sweetest melody? O thou dull god, why liest thou with the vile In loathsome beds, and leav'st the kingly couch A watch-case or a common 'larum-bell? Wilt thou upon the high and giddy mast Seal up the ship-boy's eyes, and rock his brains In cradle of the rude imperious surge, And in the visitation of the winds, Who take the ruffian billows by the top, Curling their monstrous heads, and hanging them With deafing clamour in the slippery clouds, That with the hurly death itself awakes? Canst thou, O partial sleep, give thy repose To the wet sea-boy in an hour so rude; And in the calmest and most stillest night, With all appliances and means to boot, Deny it to a king? Then, happy low, lie down! Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.Enter WARWICK and Surrey
WARWICK. Many good morrows to your Majesty! KING. Is it good morrow, lords? WARWICK. 'Tis one o'clock, and past. KING. Why then, good morrow to you all, my lords. Have you read o'er the letters that I sent you? WARWICK. We have, my liege. KING. Then you perceive the body of our kingdom How foul it is; what rank diseases grow, And with what danger, near the heart of it. WARWICK. It is but as a body yet distempered; Which to his former strength may be restored With good advice and little medicine. My Lord Northumberland will soon be cool'd. KING. O God! that one might read the book of fate, And see the revolution of the times Make mountains level, and the continent, Weary of solid firmness, melt itself Into the sea; and other times to see The beachy girdle of the ocean Too wide for Neptune's hips; how chances mock, And changes fill the cup of alteration With divers liquors! O, if this were seen, The happiest youth, viewing his progress through, What perils past, what crosses to ensue, Would shut the book and sit him down and die. 'Tis not ten years gone Since Richard and Northumberland, great friends, Did feast together, and in two years after Were they at wars. It is but eight years since This Percy was the man nearest my soul; Who like a brother toil'd in my affairs And laid his love and life under my foot; Yea, for my sake, even to the eyes of Richard Gave him defiance. But which of you was by — [To WARWICK] You, cousin Nevil, as I may remember — When Richard, with his eye brim full of tears, Then check'd and rated by Northumberland, Did speak these words, now prov'd a prophecy? 'Northumberland, thou ladder by the which My cousin Bolingbroke ascends my throne' — Though then, God knows, I had no such intent But that necessity so bow'd the state That I and greatness were compell'd to kiss — 'The time shall come' – thus did he follow it — 'The time will come that foul sin, gathering head, Shall break into corruption' so went on, Foretelling this same time's condition And the division of our amity. WARWICK. There is a history in all men's lives, Figuring the natures of the times deceas'd; The which observ'd, a man may prophesy, With a near aim, of the main chance of things As yet not come to life, who in their seeds And weak beginning lie intreasured. Such things become the hatch and brood of time; And, by the necessary form of this, King Richard might create a perfect guess That great Northumberland, then false to him, Would of that seed grow to a greater falseness; Which should not find a ground to root upon Unless on you. KING. Are these things then necessities? Then let us meet them like necessities; And that same word even now cries out on us. They say the Bishop and Northumberland Are fifty thousand strong. WARWICK. It cannot be, my lord. Rumour doth double, like the voice and echo, The numbers of the feared. Please it your Grace To go to bed. Upon my soul, my lord, The powers that you already have sent forth Shall bring this prize in very easily. To comfort you the more, I have receiv'd A certain instance that Glendower is dead. Your Majesty hath been this fortnight ill; And these unseasoned hours perforce must ad Unto your sickness. KING. I will take your counsel. And, were these inward wars once out of hand, We would, dear lords, unto the Holy Land. ExeuntSCENE II. Gloucestershire. Before Justice, SHALLOW'S house
Enter SHALLOW and SILENCE, meeting; MOULDY, SHADOW, WART, FEEBLE, BULLCALF, and servants behind
SHALLOW. Come on, come on, come on; give me your hand, sir;give me your hand, sir. An early stirrer, by the rood! And how dothmy good cousin Silence? SILENCE. Good morrow, good cousin Shallow. SHALLOW. And how doth my cousin, your bed-fellow? and yourfairest daughter and mine, my god-daughter Ellen? SILENCE. Alas, a black ousel, cousin Shallow! SHALLOW. By yea and no, sir. I dare say my cousin William isbecome a good scholar; he is at Oxford still, is he not? SILENCE. Indeed, sir, to my cost. SHALLOW. 'A must, then, to the Inns o' Court shortly. I wasonce of Clement's Inn; where I think they will talk of mad Shallowyet. SILENCE. You were call'd 'lusty Shallow' then, cousin. SHALLOW. By the mass, I was call'd anything; and I would havedone anything indeed too, and roundly too. There was I, and little John Doit of Staffordshire, and black George Barnes, andFrancis Pickbone, and Will Squele a Cotsole man – you had not foursuch swinge-bucklers in all the Inns of Court again. And I may sayto you we knew where the bona-robas were, and had the best ofthem all at commandment. Then was Jack Falstaff, now Sir John,boy, and page to Thomas Mowbray, Duke of Norfolk. SILENCE. This Sir John, cousin, that comes hither anon about soldiers? SHALLOW. The same Sir John, the very same. I see him break Scoggin's head at the court gate, when 'a was a crack notthus high; and the very same day did I fight with one Sampson Stockfish, a fruiterer, behind Gray's Inn. Jesu, Jesu, themad days that I have spent! and to see how many of my old acquaintance are dead! SILENCE. We shall all follow, cousin. SHALLOW. Certain, 'tis certain; very sure, very sure. Death, asthe Psalmist saith, is certain to all; all shall die. How a goodyoke of bullocks at Stamford fair? SILENCE. By my troth, I was not there. SHALLOW. Death is certain. Is old Double of your town livingyet? SILENCE. Dead, sir. SHALLOW. Jesu, Jesu, dead! drew a good bow; and dead! 'A shot a fine shoot. John a Gaunt loved him well, and betted muchmoney on his head. Dead! 'A would have clapp'd i' th' clout at twelve score, and carried you a forehand shaft a fourteen andfourteen and a half, that it would have done a man's heart good tosee. How a score of ewes now? SILENCE. Thereafter as they be – a score of good ewes may beworth ten pounds. SHALLOW. And is old Double dead?Enter BARDOLPH, and one with him