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copyright
Thorsons
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd. 1 London Bridge Street London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
HarperThorsons are trademarks of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd.
First published by Little, Brown and Company 1995
This revised and updated edition published in 2005 by Thorsons
Copyright © William Sears and Martha Sears 1995, 2005
William Sears and Martha Sears assert the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
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Source ISBN: 9780007198245
Ebook Edition © FEBRUARY 2014 ISBN: 9780007374304
Version: 2019-01-15
contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
A Word About Discipline from Dr Bill and Martha
I: Promoting Desirable Behaviour
Chapter 1: Our Approach to Discipline
Styles of Discipline
Discipline’s Top Ten – An Overview of This Book
Chapter 2: Birth to One Year: Getting Connected
Martha and Matthew – How They Got Connected
Attachment Parenting – The Key to Early Discipline
How Attachment Parenting Makes Discipline Easier
Chapter 3: Understanding Ones, Twos, and Threes
How Toddlers Act – And Why
Talking with Toddlers: What They Can Understand, What They Can’t
Channelling Toddler Behaviours
Providing Structure
Going from Oneness to Separateness: Behaviours to Expect
Helping a Toddler Ease into Independence
From Two to Three
Discipline Gets Easier
Chapter 4: Saying no Positively
The Importance of Saying No
Creative Alternatives to “No”
Respectfully, No!
Making Danger Discipline Stick
Chapter 5: Taming Temper Tantrums
Why Tantrums?
Preventing Tantrums
What to Do When the Volcano Erupts
Handling and Preventing Tantrums in Older Children
Chapter 6: Fathers as Disciplinarians
Becoming a Dad: Bill’s Story
Eight Tips to Help Fathers Become Disciplinarians
Chapter 7: Self-esteem: The Foundation of Good Behaviour
Ten Ways to Help Children Build Self-Confidence
Chapter 8: Helping Your Child Express Feelings
Feelings: Expressing or Bottling Up?
How to Raise an Expressive Child
Chapter 9: Making Anger Work for You
Why Kids Get Angry
How Adult Anger Affects Parenting – And Discipline
Getting a Handle on Anger
Peace for Parents
Chapter 10: Feeding Good Behaviour
Foods That Bother Behaviour
Tracking Down Feel-Bad Foods
Chapter 11: Sleep Discipline
What Every Parent Should Know About Babies’ Nighttime Needs
Principles of Nighttime Discipline
Handling Common Nighttime Discipline Problems
II: Correcting Undesirable Behaviour
Chapter 12: Smacking – no? yes? Sometimes?
Ten Reasons Not to Hit Your Child
How to Avoid Smacking
Chapter 13: Discipline by Shaping Behaviour: Alternatives to Smacking
Praise
Selective Ignoring
Time-out
Help Your Child Learn That Choices Have Consequences
Motivators
Reminders
The Art of Negotiating
Withdrawing Privileges
Chapter 14: Breaking Annoying Habits
Steps to Breaking Habits (including nail biting, grinding teeth, twitching, lip biting, head banging, nose picking, hair pulling, and throat noises)
Thumb-Sucking
Chapter 15: Disciplining Bothersome Behaviours
Biting, Hitting, Pushing, Kicking
Dressing Discipline
Supermarket Discipline
Teaching Toothbrushing
Facilitating a Facewash
Whining
Clearing Up Dirty Words
Soiling Pants
Name-calling
Grumbling
Answering Back
Exciting the Unmotivated Child
Chapter 16: Sibling Rivalry
Introducing a New Baby
Promoting Sibling Harmony
Discouraging Sibling Disharmony
III: discipline for life
Chapter 17: Morals and Manners
Raising a Moral Child
Why Kids Lie – What to Do
Raising a Truthful Child
Encouraging Honesty
Stealing
Cheating
Teaching Your Child to Apologize
When Your Child Interrupts
Teaching Manners
Sharing
Chapter 18: Building Healthy Sexuality
Fostering Healthy Gender Identity
Modelling Healthy Gender Roles
Curious Little Bodies
Masturbation
Chapter 19: Discipline for Special Times and Special Children
Disciplining the Hyperactive Child
Disciplining the Temperamentally Difficult Child (aka the High-Need Child)
Disciplining the Special Needs Child
Parenting the Shy Child
Disciplining the Fearful Child
Discipline Following Divorce
Caregivers as Disciplinarians
Closing comments: Putting It All Together – A Sample Discipline Plan
Index
Keep Reading
Also by the Same Authors
About the Publisher
a word about discipline from dr bill and martha
Parents struggle with what discipline is and how to approach it. We all want our children to behave well, but the word “discipline” has connotations of corporal punishment and Victorian family values. In fact, discipline is a positive and integral part of your whole relationship with your child. It can’t be pulled out and isolated from the rest of your family’s life and does not need to be punitive – in fact, we would argue that it should never involve physical punishment. At one point we intended the title of this book to be Discipline for Life, because our purpose is to equip children with the tools they will need to succeed in life.
This book was written on the job. Many of the stories throughout this book are from our own family, and as you will see, discipline has not always been easy for us nor have we always done it right. We could never have written this book without the many years of parenting we have under our belt. It wasn’t until our kids started having kids that we fully realized the value of what we had done – and hadn’t done – as disciplinarians. Besides our own experience, much of the advice in this book comes from the real experts: veteran parents of disciplined children who over the years have shared their wisdom with us.
You may feel that some advice in this book is too lenient, or that other advice is too harsh. You may feel, “I can’t do that with my child.” If it doesn’t feel right to you, you shouldn’t do it. Discipline is not a list of techniques to be plucked from a book, tried insensitively on your child, and followed rigidly. Instead, use the tools in this book to develop a philosophy of discipline, and use whatever tools fit your child and your family situation to create your own style of discipline.
How to read this book depends upon your needs. If you are first-time parents with a new baby, this book is a recipe for discipline, a philosophy of child rearing, and for some even a guide for living. If you are already experiencing discipline problems, this is also a repair manual, a fix-it-yourself book. Parents, we want you to realize the rewards of investing in your child’s behaviour. While parents should take neither all the credit nor all the blame for the person their child becomes, we believe that many of the problems society now faces – crime, violence, sexual irresponsibilities, and social insensitivities – stem from poor discipline in the child and in the adult that child becomes.
A mother in my surgery, desperate for direction on how she could influence society, said: “The streets are full of crime, the homes are full of violence, and schools spend more time keeping law and order than teaching. I feel powerless to make a difference, and I don’t believe government knows how to change this course of events.” I told this mum: “You can change the world, one child at a time. Do what you and no one but you can do – discipline your child.”
William and Martha Sears
San Clemente, California
March 1995
I promoting desirable behaviour
How parents and child get started with each other influences the discipline relationship. Some parents will naturally ease into discipline, and some children are easier to discipline. Other parents, partly because of how they were disciplined as children, lack confidence in guiding and correcting their child. For these parents, the early chapters of this book will help you to become confident parents while giving your child the start you never got. We begin by discussing the attachment style of parenting, a way of getting connected to your child. Our journey into discipline starts by giving you the tools to get connected to your child in the early years, when the little person is under construction. We help you to build your sensitivity to your child, and your child’s toward you; to know what is age-appropriate behaviour; to help your child to become comfortably expressive, to handle anger, and to develop self-confidence. And from that basic relationship, loving guidance flows naturally. Attachment parenting brings rewards for parents as well as children. Putting in some extra effort at the beginning will save time and energy later on. You won’t have to do as much of the repair work we discuss in Part II.
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