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PRAISE FOR Mr Gum:
‘Funny? You bet.’ Guardian
‘Andy Stanton accumulates silliness and jokes
in an irresistible, laughter-inducing romp.’
Sunday Times
‘Raucous, revoltingly rambunctious and nose-
snortingly funny.’ Daily Mail
‘It’s hilarious, it’s brilliant . . . Stanton’s the Guv’nor,
The Boss.’ Danny Baker, BBC London Radio
‘It provoked long and painful belly laughs from
my daughter, who is eight.’ Daily Telegraph
‘They’re the funniest books . . . I can’t recommend
them enough.’ Stephen Mangan
‘They are brilliant.’ Zoe Ball, Radio 2
‘Funniest book I have ever and will ever read . . .
When I read this to my mum she burst out laughing
and nearly wet herself . . . When I had finished the
book I wanted to read it all over again it was so
good.’ Bryony, aged 8
‘Do not even think about buying another book –
This is gut- spillingly funty.’ Alex, aged 13
‘Smooky palooki! This book is well brilliant.’
Jeremy Strong
For Tony McGowan - AS
For Mrs Aubrey - DT
Egmont
We bring stories to life
First published in Great Britain 2018
by Egmont UK Limited
The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN
Text copyright © 2018 Andy Stanton
Illustrations copyright © 2018 David Tazzyman
The moral rights of the author and illustrators have been asserted
978 1 4052 9098 2
eISBN 978 1 4052 9276 4
68623/001
A CIP catalogue record for this title is available
from the British Library
Typeset by Avon DataSet Ltd, Bidford on Avon, Warwickshire
Printed and bound in Great Britain by the CPI Group
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CONTENTS
01
20
31
32
72
84
102
103
112
133
134
136
179
218
NATBOFF
THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA
Bibbering Through the Ages: The Stone Table
Princess Snowflake and the Gypsy King
The Story of Old King Thunderbelly and the Wall of Lamonic Bibber
Life and Times of Saint Follican
Bibbering Through the Ages: Ráðghöldeskvúldrr
A BRIEF HISTORY of the MERRIE OLD KINGS and QUEENS of ENGLAND
The Two Friends
Bibbering Through the Ages: Upside-Down Walker on the Bun Shop
The Duckling and His Mother
’TIS RUBBISH BEING A SQUIRREL
The Witchfinder General
LORD FAMOUS AND THE PLAGUE
233
245
246
273
274
280
334
335
342
343
353
The GREAT FIRE
Bibbering Through the Ages: Wednesday O’Leary
A Fork in the Road
Bibbering Through the Ages: Madame Strawberries
The Victorian Age
The STRANGE CASE of DOCTOR WEMPERS and MR CRIBBINS
Bibbering Through the Ages: Chimpy Roberts
To My Wife, Mary
Bibbering Through the Ages: Frank Nerbles
Brian Six
THE FRUIT SCIENTISTS, THE
TALKING GRAPES, THE CROWS OF
THE FUTURE, THE DISCONNECTED-
FACE-BUM-DOGS, THE PENCIL
PEOPLE, THE NORMAL PEOPLE, THE
ELECTRONIC NOIMPS, THE STUPID
ANTS WITH HUMAN HANDS, THE
UNITED STATES OF BEING A LION,
THE SUBTERRANEAN KINGDOM
OF THE CANNIBAL SKELETON
ROBOTS, THE NON-EXISTENT
MARTIANS, CHARLOTTE GLASS,
THE HEXAGONAL PONY, THE GIANT
WALKING CHESSMEN, THE CRUMBS
OF THE SOUTH AND PLOVER
20,000 YEARS BC
NATBOFF
L
ong long timm go in Lamonic Bibber was
cavma days. Bigges cavma was Natboff.
1
‘ME THROW ROCK AT MITY WOOLY
MAMMOF!’ say Natboff. ‘HAHA! WOOLY
MAMMOF CRY LIKK BABY! NATBOFF BIG
AN STRONG! NATBOFF HARIES FATTES
CAVMA OF AL TIMM! NATBOFF BESTT!’
But liff always go rong. Wun day Natboff
walkig alonn wen com acros even bigge harier
cavma of al timm.
‘HOO YOU?’ say Natboff.
‘ME CHUNKA!’ say even bigge cavma.
‘NATBOFF HATE CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.
‘NATBOFF EAT CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.
Natboff try eat Chunka but Natboff no
gud at. Chunka leg to thik for Natboff teeth.
‘HAHA,’ say Chunka. ‘NATBOFF
PATHETI! CHUNKA BESST!
‘NATBOFF GOT CAV?’ say Chunka.
‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.
2
‘NATBOFF GOT WIFE?’ say Chunka.
‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.
‘WAT WIFE NAME?’ say Chunka.
‘WIFE NAME SALLY,’ say Natboff.
‘WEL, THIS CHUNKA LUKKY DAY,’
say Chunka. ‘NOW CHUNKA COM TO
NATBOFF CAV AN STEEL NATBOFF WIFE.’
O NO, thinnk Natboff. NATBOFF WISH
NATBOFF NO TELL CHUNKA ABOU CAV
AN WIFE.
‘HEY CHUNKA,’ say Natboff, crafty stile.
‘YOU KNO JUS NOW WEN NATBOFF
TELL YOU ABOU CAV AN WIFE CAL
SALLY? NATBOFF WAS ONLEH MAKK
JOKKE! THER NO CAV! THER NO SALLY!
JUS FUNNEH JOKKE!’
‘TO LATE,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA
CAN TEL THEY REAL. CHUNKA COMIG
3
TO CAV TO STEEL WIFE.’
O NO, thinnk Natboff. CHUNKA NOT
JUS FAT AN HARY. CHUNKA A CLEVA
FELLO INTO THE BARGEN.
4
Chunka go to Natboff cav an grab up
Sally.
‘HEY SALLY,’ say Chunka. ‘ME
CHUNKA. ME MUCH BETER AN FATTER
AN HARIER THAN NATBOFF. YOU COM
WIV CHUNKA NOW.’
‘IT TRUE,’ say Sally. ‘CHUNKA SO
BIG AN FAT AN HARY! SALLY NO
LOV NATBOFF NO MORE! SALLY LOV
CHUNKA NOW! SALLY AN CHUNKA IN
LOV!’
‘HA HA,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA
DONE IT AGEN!’
Chunka throw roks at Natboff an Sally
spit in Natboff har. Then Chunka an Sally run
way way off into foress to do baby cavmas.
Natboff ver sad. Natboff do cry.
Wolf com along an lick up Natboff tears
5
fro eyes.
‘WOLF BE NATBOFF FREND?’ say
Natboff.
Wolf nod.
‘WOLF BE NATBOFF WIFE?’ say
Natboff hopfuly.
Wolf laff an shak hed.
‘BUT WOLF BE NICE TO NATBOFF AT
LEEST?’ say Natboff.
Wolf nod.
‘MEBBE THINNGS NOT SO BAD
AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.
But at night Wolf eat Natboff!
Now Natboff in Wolf tummy.
‘THIS WORST DAY OF NATBOFF
LIFF,’ say Natboff. ‘WAT NATBOFF DO
NOW?’
Natboff com up wiv plan.
6
NATBOFF WAIT TIL WOLF NEED
TOILET IN BUSH, thinnk Natboff. THEN
NATBOFF COM OUT OF WOLF AGEN!
BETER THAN EVEH!
So Natboff wait al day wile Wolf run
round eatig stuf. Lateh on Wolf get belly
rumbles.
‘O NO,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NEED FIND
BUSH BEFOR TO LATE.’
HERE ME CHANSE, thinnk Natboff.
Wolf go to bush an push it al out. Out
com Natboff, beter than eveh! (But a bit
smel.)
‘NEVEH MIN,’ say Natboff to himsel.
‘STIL GUD TO BE OUT OF WOLF AGEN.’
Natboff go up to Wolf.
‘NAUGTY WOLF!’ shou Natboff. ‘YOU
SAY YOU NATBOFF FREND! BUT YOU
7
EAT NATBOFF!’
‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘ME FORGET.’
‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT YOU NATBOFF
FREND NOW?’
‘DEFINETT,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF AN
NATBOFF FREND. WOLF AN NATBOFF
DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’
So Wolf an Natboff do disco in cav. It fun,
but it stil not solv probbem.
‘IT FUN, BUT IT STIL NOT SOLV
PROBBEM,’ say Natboff. ‘SALLY STIL WIV
CHUNKA. WAT NATBOFF DO NOW?’
‘GO ON INTERNET,’ say Wolf, ‘MEBBE
THAT HELP.’
So Natboff go on internet but it cavma
days, long long go, an bak then internet jus big
rok wiv ‘Google’ carve on. No help at al!
‘INTERNET RUBISH!’ say Natboff.
8
‘NATBOFF HATE INTERNET!’
Wolf eat internet.
‘NOW WAT NATBOFF DO?’ say
Natboff.
‘WOLF GET HELP FROM FRENDS,’ say
Wolf.
‘WOLF GOT MITY FRENDS?’ say
Natboff.
‘MITIEST EVEH!’ say Wolf prowdly.
‘WOLF GO AN GET MITY FRENDS. THEN
CHUNKA GOT NO CHANSE!’
Wolf run out of cav.
Natboff wait.
Natboff wait a bit mor.
Natboff wait ages.
Natboff wait Stone Ages.
Natboff discoveh fire.
Natboff happy!
9
Natboff set har on fire!
Natboff not so happy.
‘WOLF TAKIG FOREVEH,’ say Natboff.
Natboff starvig.
Natboff eat own burnned har.
‘BURNNED HAR DISGUSSIG,’ say
Natboff.
Natboff spit har out everwher.
Natboff try eatig cav.
No gud.
Evencherlee Wolf come bak wiv frends.
‘LOOK AT MITY FRENDS,’ Wolf say
prowdly.
‘MITY ANT!
‘MITY SPIDA!
‘MITY LEEF!’
‘FRENDS NOT LOOK SO MITY,’
say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF THURT WOLF’S
10
FRENDS BE MITY BEAR! MITY MAMMOF!
MITY SABE-TOOTH TIGGER!’
‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NOT KNO
THOSE GUYS. WOLF ONLY KNO MITY
ANT! MITY SPIDA! MITY LEEF!’
‘ME CAN DO THIRTY PRES-UPS,’ say
Mity Leef.
‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘IT HAV TO DO. WAT
THE PLAN?’
‘CHUNKA LIV IN FORESS WIV SALLY
NOW,’ say Mity Spida. ‘SO WE GOT TO
GO TO FORESS. THEN WE SNEEK UP ON
CHUNKA.’
‘IS GUD START TO PLAN,’ say Natboff.
‘BUT WAT NEX?’
‘MITY ANT JUMP ON CHUNKA
LEGG AN LICK HIM,’ say Mity Spida.
‘THEN MITY SPIDA (THAT ME) TIKLE
11
CHUNKA FOOT. THEN WOLF BITE OFF
CHUNKA FACE. NATBOFF GET SALLY
BACK, EESY PEESY LEMMO SQUEE!’
‘MITY SPIDA GUD AT PLAN!’ say
Natboff. ‘MABBE THIS WURK AFTEH AL.
BUT WAT ABOU MITY LEEF? EVERWUN
ELSE DO STUF IN PLAN BUT MITY LEEF
DO NUTHIN.’
‘ME DO PRES-UPS TO DISTRAC
CHUNKA,’ say Mity Leef, flexig mussels.
‘IT GUDDEST PLAN OF AL TIMM!’ say Wolf. ‘LET DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’
Natboff, Wolf, Mity Ant, Mity Spida an Mity Leef do disco.
Gess hoo besst at disco dancc? Mity Ant.
Mity Ant win disco prize!
‘DISCO FUN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT NOW
IT TIMM FOR PUT PLAN INTO ACSHUN.
12
WICH WAY FORESS?’
Mity Leef step forwar.
‘ME WAS BORN IN FORESS,’ say Mity Leef, ‘SO ME KNO EXAC WHER IT IS. FOLLO LEEF!’
‘NATBOFF HAD DOUTS ABOU MITY LEEF TO BEGIN WIV,’ say Natboff, ‘BUT NOW HE GROWIG ON ME.’
‘HA HA,’ say Mity Ant. ‘NATBOFF MAKK BIG FUNNEH!’
‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf hopfully.
‘MABBE LATEH,’ say Natboff.
AL WOLF WANT TO DO IS DISCO, thinnk Natboff. ME GETTIG PRETY SICK
OF WOLF. BUT ME NOT TELL WOLF OUT
LOUD BECOS WOLF NATBOFF FREND,
AN ME NOT WANT TO HURT WOLF
13
FEELIG.
(Natboff mite be cavma but Natboff a
sensitif sort of fello.)
Anyweh. Afteh al this, Natboff an gang
set off wiv Mity Leef leedig way. Evencherlee
com to foress.
Gess hoo in middel of foress tryig to
makk baby cavmas? It Chunka an Sally, jus as
Natboff susspecced!
‘YOU GUYS HIDDE IN BUSH,’
say Natboff to anima an plannt chums.
‘NATBOFF GONNA DO IT CRAFTY
STILE!’
Natboff step forwar crafty stile to wher
Chunka an Sally busy tryig to makk baby
cavmas.
‘HEY CHUNKA, HEY SALLY,’ say
Natboff.
14
‘HEY NATBOFF,’ say Chunka. ‘GO
AWAY, WE IN THE MIDDEL OF STUF.’
‘NATBOFF NOT COM AL THIS WAY
TO BE TALK TO LIKK THAT,’ say Natboff.
‘NATBOFF COM TO GET SALLY BAK.’
‘O YEAH?’ say Chunka. ‘HOW
NATBOFF GONNA DO THAT? CHUNKA
SO BIG AN HARY, NATBOFF GOT NO
CHANSE.’
‘NATBOFF GOT CHUMS,’ say Natboff.
Natboff giv the secre comman.
Imedialy Mity Leef jump out of bush an
do pres-ups.
Chunka can harly beleev eyes!
Wile Chunka distracced by Mity Leef,
Mity Ant jump out an lick Chunka legg!
Wile Chunka try to cope wiv that, Mity
Spida run up an tikle Chunka foot!
15
‘WAT GOIN ON?’ say Chunka.
Then Wolf jump out an bite off Chunka face!
‘OW!’ say Chunka face from insidde Wolf. ‘OK, OK, CHUNKA GIV IN! NATBOFF
WIN.’
‘SALLY TOTALL SORY FOR GO OFF WIV CHUNKA BEFOR,’ say Sally. ‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF AGEN NOW.
NATBOFF NOT AS FAT AN HARY AS
CHUNKA – BUT AT LEES NATBOFF GOT A FACE.’
‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.
‘DEFINETT!’ say everwun.
Hole gang do disco in foress. Chunka join in wiv disco too, even tho Chunka got no face. It horibel to watch, but gud try from Chunka.
‘CHUNKA NOT SUCH A BAD FELLO
17
AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.
Lateh on Chunka get steped on by Wooly Mammof.
Natboff an Sally bureh Chunka unerneef bush.
Mity Spida dres up as holy prees an say prayer for Chunka.
Everwun cry.
But liff go on.
Natboff an Sally makk baby cavma an gess wat they cal him?
Chunka!
‘IT IN MEMORY OF BESST CAVMA HOO EVEH LIV,’ say Natboff, an everwun agree.
‘AL IN AL IT BEEN GUD DAY,’ say Mity Leef. ‘WE DONE BRILLIA
AVENCHER. PLUS EVERWUN MADD
18
NEW FRENDS!’
‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF FOR AL TIMM,’ say Sally.
‘EVERWUN LOV NATBOFF,’ say everwun. (Even Natboff say it! Even baby Chunka say it!)
‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.
‘BIGGES DEFINETT EVEH!’ say everwun.
ENND
1115 BC
THE
MASSIVE
GIANT
AND THE
FLEA
M
any hundreds of years ago,
when Lamonic Bibber wasn’t even
really a town yet, just a few huts and a warlock
20
who lived on Boaster’s Hill turning turnips into balloons, there lived a massive giant. Now, this giant’s name was Gavin and he really was large. His head, right, his head was so big, right, his head was so big that, well, here’s the thing, right, his head was sooooo big that, OK, I hope you’re ready for this, his head was soooooo ENORMOUS, right, that OK, hold on, his head was sooooooooo massive that it was about the size, are you sure you’re ready for this, his head was sooooo vast that – well, to be honest, I don’t really know how big his head was.
But his hands, right, his hands were SO UNBELIEVABLY HUGE, so UNBEARABLY, INCREDIBLY COLOSSAL, right, his hands, his hands yeah, OK, fair enough, I don’t know how big his hands were either. But what about his feet? Oh my goodness! You see, Gavin the
21
giant’s feet – and I do hope you’re sitting down to hear this because it really will blow your mind – well, actually I have no idea how big Gavin the giant’s feet were either.
I tell you what, can we start again? The story of ‘The Massive Giant And The Flea’ is amazing and I want to get it exactly right.
22
THE
MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA
A
ges ago, much longer ago than you can
remember because you’re only about
seven, Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts
and also there was a warlock who I might
have mentioned before who lived on Boaster’s
Hill turning balloons into hats. But the most
incredible person in all that land was not just
a person but a MASSIVE GIANT and he was
called Gavin the giant.
Oh my word, he was enormous! Each
one of his eyes was, well, they were just, they
were, look, you know what eyes are normally
23
like, don’t you? Of course you do, you’ve seen eyes before. And not only have you seen eyes
before, but you’ve actually got eyes, haven’t you? So you’ve seen eyes with your own eyes and you know how big they are, more or less, right? Well, the thing about these eyes of Gavin the giant’s, this is what you have to understand – the thing about his eyes was, OK, look, I’m not going to lie to you, I have no idea how big
Gavin the giant’s eyes were, I really haven’t got any idea at all. But I bet you’re curious to
know how big his nose was, aren’t you? And if you are, then you’re in for an astonishing treat,
because Gavin the giant’s nose, you see, Gavin the giant’s nose was – OK, hold on.
Imagine a normal person’s nose is about the size of an apricot, can you imagine that? Let’s say that most people have a nose the
24
size of an apricot, that’s a good way to start.
Now, bearing in mind that a normal person’s
nose is about the size of one apricot, one single,
delicious apricot that you might find down the
greengrocer’s, or growing on a tree, actually do
apricots grow on trees? Or more on bushes? I’m
not sure, I know that tomatoes grow on these little kind of plants with stalks on, tomatoes are nice, aren’t they?
I like tomatoes.
Anyway, here’s the thing: imagine that a normal person’s nose is about the size of one apricot (or roughly three cherry tomatoes). Now, by comparison, Gavin the giant’s nose was NOT the size of one apricot, it was bigger than that. How much bigger? I don’t know.
Let’s start again.
25
THE
MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA
W
ay, way back in the distant past,
Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts
and a warlock who lived on Boaster’s Hill,
turning hats into nightingales. Now, I know this
is going to surprise some of you but there was
a giant who lived in those days, and I bet you can’t guess his name, but it was Gavin.
Now, a lot of people, when they first hear
about Gavin the giant, like you are doing now – hearing about Gavin the giant for the first time,
I mean – a lot of people immediately want to
know all the details. They want to know how big
26
his head was, for example. Or how big his hands
were. Or his torso, that’s quite a popular one. Which is fair enough, but I don’t think that’s the most amazing thing about Gavin the giant,
and I’m not just saying that because I don’t know the answers to all those other questions. I think the most important thing is how tall he
was overall. I mean, at the end of the day, that is what is so impressive about giants, isn’t it? How tall they are overall. So sit back and strap yourselves in and prepare to be amazed as I tell you how tall Gavin the giant truly was.
Right. Let’s say that a normal man is about,
I don’t know, about as tall as – let’s just say,
for example, that a normal man is about as tall as a fencepost. (I know some men are slightly shorter than a fencepost, and some other men are slightly taller than a fencepost but let’s just
27
say, on average, that one man is about as tall
as one fencepost.) So we can write down the
following equation:
ONE MAN = ONE FENCEPOST
Now, of course, the question is this: How
tall was Gavin the giant? And we can write
down this question as the following equation:
GAVIN THE GIANT = ???
So. Given that a normal man is about as tall
as a fencepost, and given that we don’t know
how tall Gavin the giant was, it is clear that
Gavin the giant was quite a mysterious sort of a
character. OK, so we – OK, I tell you what, this
has all been a bit confusing what with all these
equations and things, let’s start again.
29
THE
MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA
O
nce upon a time there lived a giant called
Gavin and one day he saw a flea.
THE END
30
Bibbering Through The Ages
The Stone Table
The Stone Table that stands on the outskirts of Lamonic Bibber is a mysterious and powerful object of ancient times. Recent tests have revealed that it may be much older than previously thought, perhaps dating as far back as 400 years BC (Before Chairs). Although no one knows exactly what it was used for,
it was probably built by the so-called ‘Oakic people’, a group of nature-worshipping weirdies who spent their time dancing
around hillsides, dressed as acorns and singing songs about dead badgers. Today the Oakic people have mostly been forgotten, although some of their rites and ceremonies have survived into the modern age, such as the Festival of the Leaves, which still takes place every autumn, and the Eurovision Song Contest,
which falls around May. (Thankfully, a number of their other ceremonies, such as the Month of Human Sacrifices, the Other Month of Human Sacrifices, and the notorious ‘Nudey Day’, have died out naturally over time.)
Once Upon a Time . . .
Princess
Snowflake
and the
Gypsy King
O
nce upon a time, long ago in the Age of Fairy
Tales, when the whole wide world was sugar
and spice and apples and mice and snow and ice
32
and moonbeams, there lived in Lamonic Bibber a princess called Princess Snowflake. And never was there a name more suited to a person, because for a start she was a princess, so that bit was definitely right. And also she looked a bit like a snowflake, for her face was pale as a December’s morning and her hair as silver as light reflecting off snow. And finally, she was every bit as wild and carefree as a snowflake, so there you have it. Princess Snowflake it was.
Princess Snowflake’s parents had
mysteriously disappeared soon after she was born, and so it was that a bunch of kindly old witches had agreed to raise the child as their own. They lived with her in the Winter Palace, which was made entirely of ice. The chambers, the towers, even the door handles – everything was made of ice. The floors were a bit slippery, and it was best