Blackberry Picking at Jasmine Cottage

Chapter 5

Charlie couldn’t help it. He needed to talk to somebody, or he’d be snapping at Maisie and upsetting the very fragile state of her emotions. When he’d met her from school on Wednesday she had been bubbly, excited to tell him about her day, what Roo had done, and how she wanted a ‘pet day’ every day. But then she’d wanted to tell Mummy all about it, and Mummy unfortunately was not in an area with Wi-Fi. The skype tone had echoed out until he’d had to admit defeat, and the hope had died from her face.

Then he’d felt guilty. It had been his fault – even though where Josie was and what she was up to was totally out of his control. In fact everything seemed out of his control right now.

The week had gone downhill from there, when he’d had to explain that Roo wasn’t allowed in school again, and he’d felt a complete heel when ten minutes after collecting her from school on Friday he’d had to leave her with Sally while he dealt with an emergency.

And he wanted to talk to Lucy, desperately. He wanted to chat to her about the house, about the future, but in-between Maisie’s tantrums, his emergency call outs, and her evenings sorting lesson plans they hadn’t been able to grab more than a few minutes alone.

He squeezed his eyes together. He was totally knackered. He’d always loved being a parent, but being a single one was a different kettle of fish altogether. Especially when he was trying to run a veterinary surgery almost single-handedly, and his clients seemed to think he was available 24/7. Thank goodness he had the very capable Sally to help out, or he’d be really stuck.

But, keeping his professional life in order was nothing compared to trying to reassure his daughter that she was the most loved, the most wanted child in the whole wide world. That she meant everything to him. That although she felt like her little world had been tipped upside down, it hadn’t. That everything would be okay. He’d sort it.

He felt totally inadequate though. It had taken him quite some time to cheer her up when he’d finally finished work for the day, and when he’d tucked her into bed she’d been hanging on to a toy as though it was her only friend. When he’d gone up to check on her before leaving, the toy had been replaced with the Border terrier Roo.

‘Should she have the dog in bed?’ Sally who had been called in as emergency babysitter raised an eyebrow when she saw the sleepy child, and Charlie shrugged.

‘Maybe not.’ He sighed. ‘I’m a crap parent, but I know now why so many dads just say yes to everything.’ It had been so much easier when it had been the two of them, him and Josie, and to be honest Maisie had seemed so unflappable. She’d always been a happy child who had been easy to distract from her tantrums and was rarely demanding. Even the terrible twos hadn’t seemed to have a huge impact.

Now she was frightened; clingy in a way he’d not noticed before, and tearful. Maisie had always been the child with a smile on her face, and it worried him that she seemed to be getting more sensitive as each day passed. He had to work out what to do. He’d always thought he was doing okay as a parent, but now he wasn’t sure. Now he was scared he was failing her.

And he had to talk to Lucy about this bloody email.

‘I won’t be long.’

Sally nodded at his slightly curt tone, and her voice was soft. ‘Take your time, Charlie.’

Lucy didn’t answer when he knocked, and when he jiggled the door handle it was locked. He felt like sitting down on the step, closing his eyes and blocking out the world and his problems. Instead, with a weary sigh he headed back down the garden path.

She couldn’t have gone far, and if he didn’t find her, a brisk walk round the village would do him good and maybe clear his head.

The cobbled square was deserted when he strolled across, the shops shut up for the night. Only the sound of his own footsteps broke the stillness of the evening, and as he walked some of the peace leaked into his soul.

By the time he reached the village green he was feeling more positive. He wasn’t a bad dad, he wasn’t doing everything wrong. They just needed a bit more structure in their lives, he needed to reorganise – instead of trying to shoe-horn his daughter into the chaotic and over-busy life he had been leading.

There was a crowd on the benches outside the Taverner’s Arms, making the most of the warm September evening, and he soon spotted Lucy sandwiched between Jill and Timothy.

She waved as he walked across the grass.

‘We’re celebrating. Come and join us.’

‘Sit here young man, my supper calls me and it’s been a long week.’ Timothy stood up, and put a hand on Charlie’s shoulder. ‘Goodnight all, thank you as always for all your hard work. See you all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Monday morning!’

‘Good Ofsted report then?’ Timothy’s upbeat attitude was infectious, and Charlie felt his spirits lift another notch.

‘Great.’ Lucy had a big grin plastered to her face. ‘Well we won’t get it in writing for a couple of weeks, but everything was pretty positive.’

‘I’ll get a drink, another?’

By the time he got back with his pint, Jill had gone.

‘Something I said?’

Lucy smiled, and put her hand on his knee. ‘She said you looked like a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders.’ Her smile slipped. ‘What’s the matter, Charlie? Nothing’s wrong with Maisie, is it?’

‘Maisie’s fine, I left her with Sal.’ He shrugged. ‘Well she was fine when I left.’ He needed to talk to her about the email, his biggest problem, but then again it was all part and parcel of the same issue. If Maisie wasn’t happy with him, if it got to the stage where she didn’t want to spend time with him, then he really was in a mess.

‘Oh?’

‘It’s not working out.’ He knotted his fingers in his hair in frustration.

‘What do you mean?’ Lucy looked alarmed. ‘You can’t …’

‘She’s not eating properly, she didn’t want her tea, only picks at stuff.’

Lucy shifted closer, so that her shoulder rested against his, and it felt like an anchor. Something stable. ‘She eats her lunch at school so she’ll be fine. But, maybe saying no to what you give her is her way of showing you she’s not happy, it’s the only thing she can say no to. The only thing she can control.’

‘She says she doesn’t like it here, she wants her old friends back, she wants her bedroom.’ At the moment the list seemed endless. She wanted everything to be different.

‘Well the bedroom bit is tricky, but why don’t you invite one of her friends here for lunch, a picnic, just a play in the garden?’

‘The surgery doesn’t have a garden,’ he gazed across the green, not really seeing it, ‘and the flat is cramped, that’s why I’ve let her go and visit friends. It’s easier. It’s not helping her make a home here though if I keep letting her go back there, is it?’

‘Nope. She seems more unsettled than unhappy though, she gets on with the kids in her class and once we’re past the initial half hour she’s fine.’

‘She’s not fine at home. She doesn’t cry, she just looks at me, sad as though I’ve let her down.’

‘You’ve not let her down, it’s just different. The summer was a big adventure, something new, but in her head she probably thought that everything would go back to how it was at the end of the holidays.’

‘She was always so happy. That’s the worst bit, she was always smiling, giggly, and now she always looks wary, unsure. Unhappy.’

‘It’s not just the move, Charlie. She’s getting older too, she’s not that chubby toddler any longer. School is more demanding, she’s starting to question things.’

‘You’re telling me. She asked why Roo couldn’t sleep in her room and I couldn’t think of an answer, especially when she said she was lonely.’

Lucy grinned. ‘You let him?’

‘I said he could, in his basket though.’

‘And?’

‘He was on her bed when I checked on her. They were curled up together, the dog was fast asleep, and she was drowsy but clinging on.’

‘She just needs to feel secure, Charlie.’

‘And only the dog does that for her.’ He gave a wry smile.

‘You know that’s not true. But Roo’s a warm, living, breathing friend to fall asleep with. My dog was my best friend when I was her age.’

‘I know.’ He took her warm hand in his, threaded his fingers through her slender ones. ‘I wish it had been easier for you.’ He’d been lucky, the perfect childhood surrounded by animals, fields and two loving parents – unlike Lucy, who he knew had faced disruption and the feeling that she’d been abandoned. She’d got through it, but he didn’t want the same for his own daughter. He wanted her to be happy.

‘It was fine.’ Her tone was light. ‘But I get how it feels for Maisie right now.’

‘I know.’ He looked straight into her clear blue eyes. ‘I’m not giving up, but our whole living arrangements, everything, is a mess.’ That much at least had occurred to him, and it was something he had the power to change. ‘I can’t run a busy surgery, and look after a child properly,’ he paused and looked at her, ‘on my own. I feel so bloody guilty every time I have to rush off.’

Lucy smiled. ‘Guilt’s an important part of being a parent.’

He shook his head. ‘Very funny. It’s not fair on either of us though. I don’t want her pushed from pillar to post while I’m working, or left to play on her own.’

‘No,’ she squeezed his hand. ‘She’s too young. When I was her age I hated it.’

‘Is that how it was when you and your mum moved?’

‘It is. I was a couple of years older than Maisie, but I’d been used to having Mum around. I felt,’ she paused, ‘abandoned.’

He stared back bleakly. That was the last thing he wanted Maisie to feel.

‘I mean, it is a bit different for Maisie, because Mum had always been at home for me, she didn’t work after I was born, until …’

‘You moved?’

She nodded. ‘Maisie’s used to you and Josie working, isn’t she? What did you do before?’

‘Her old primary school was part of an academy trust, they had after school clubs, breakfast clubs, it was a big set up. It’s different in Langtry Meadows.’

‘Back at Starbaston, the last school I taught at, they had much the same. But she’s used to doing that, so why not get somebody to help you out? It’s not admitting failure, everybody does it. There must be somebody in the village who’d be glad of a few extra pennies. Somebody with kids?’

Why hadn’t he thought of that? Why had he decided that looking after Maisie was totally his responsibility, that he owed it to her to try and do it all by himself?

‘Oh God, you know what? I’ve been an idiot haven’t I? I’ve been as guilty as Maisie of treating this as an extension of the holidays, and not looking at this long term. No wonder she’s not settled.’

They both stared into their drinks for inspiration.

‘What about Becky?’

‘Sorry?’ The name didn’t immediately ring a bell with him.

‘Becky, the teacher I took over from. I mean she’s not bothered about money, but I’m pretty sure she’d be glad of a break from just looking after her baby, and she’d be brilliant with Maisie, and I bet Maisie would love helping with the baby. Children her age like to help with little ones.’

‘But,’ he hesitated, ‘I don’t want it to look like I’m copping out, that I can’t cope.’ That was still his problem. He’d failed on his own life, failed in his marriage. If he failed on this, he could lose his daughter for ever. ‘I need to prove that I can look after her. I got this.’ He pulled the copy of the email out of his pocket and handed it over. This was what it came down to. One short email.

Lucy smoothed the paper out, not looking at it. ‘But letting people help is looking after her Charlie. Nobody is expected to do it on their own, and you’re doing your best.’

‘I know, but read it. It’s from Josie. She wants a divorce.’

Lucy sobered up, and picked up the piece of paper, which from the look of it he’d been folding and unfolding as though he didn’t know quite what to do with it.

She’d been feeling on a bit of a high at the end of the school day after the Ofsted team had left and had missed Charlie’s agitation when he’d first arrived, but now it was evident. He looked worn out, his face tinged grey. And she was pretty sure it wasn’t just the normal ups and downs of being a parent. Whatever he said, Charlie was made of sterner stuff. He’d never let his daughter down if he could help it.

‘I’m worried, Lucy. It’s not the actual divorce, that’ll be a relief in a way, but she’s playing games again over Maisie. I thought we’d got a truce, that we’d worked a solution out. You know, that when she comes back to the UK she’d get a place nearby and Maisie wouldn’t have to be uprooted again. We’d share the arrangements.’ He ran his fingers through his hair in the agitated way that was so familiar to her. She put a hand over his, but the ache of dread inside her grew. This was what had been worrying her, eating away inside her. But she had to be the calm one here. ‘That’s what she said. But I don’t know, the whole tone of this spells trouble.’

‘Are you sure?’ Lucy searched his face, but all she could see was worry. Charlie wasn’t one to overreact. And Lucy still couldn’t quite work out what she thought about Charlie’s ex. From what Charlie had told her about their break-up, Josie had seemed pretty callous. There probably wasn’t a nice way to tell a man that his daughter probably wasn’t biologically his, but doing it as you walk through the door and suggesting he never see her again was bad by anybody’s standards. But then when she’d brought Maisie in to Langtry Meadows Primary School in the spring, telling Charlie his daughter missed him, needed him, Lucy thought she was seeing the real Josie. The caring side, the side that was putting her daughter first.

Until she’d announced the real reason – that she wanted Charlie to look after Maisie while she worked abroad, ignoring her responsibilities.

And now this.

Lucy wanted to tear her hair out and scream, but instead took a deep breath.

Either the woman was incredibly selfish, or there was far more to this than Lucy and Charlie realised. Lucy’s heart ached for the man and his daughter. She loved both of them, she wanted them to be happy, and as hard as she tried, taking a detached view of this was impossible.

‘Read it, tell me what you think.’ He touched the very edge of the sheet of paper. ‘When she comes back she’s going to take Maisie away again.’

‘Only if we let her.’ Lucy felt her throat dry. She’d seen the state Charlie had been in when he’d thought he’d lost his daughter before – when he’d returned to Langtry Meadows heartbroken. It had taken a long time for him to confide in her, admit what Josie had done, that she’d told him he’d be in the wrong trying to see his daughter.

He’d jumped at the opportunity to see her again, to have her stay with him.

Neither of them had seen this on the horizon. And not so soon.

Lucy scanned the words as he spoke, we need closure … I feel we need to formalise arrangements for Maisie and think about what she will want as she gets older … I miss her … this was just a temporary solution … better with her mother … I’ve spoken to my solicitor.

‘She’s just been using me, Lucy, so she could have six months off gallivanting and living her dream.’ His voice was tinged with bitterness. ‘She’ll come back and try to push me out of their lives again, won’t she? Disrupt Maisie, do exactly what she wants.’

Lucy’s stomach felt hollow as she looked at him. ‘She can’t do that to you, or to Maisie.’