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He sighed. In his own defence, he had firmly believed that he was infertile. Although, as a doctor, he understood that nothing was ever one hundred per cent certain, the tests he’d had seemingly had ruled out the possibility of him fathering a child. That was why it had never occurred to him that Emily might have been telling him the truth. He had seen the test results, seen the evidence with his own eyes, ergo she’d been lying.
The fact that he’d felt so hurt and betrayed by her apparent treachery had been another reason why he had reacted so strongly, he realised. Having cancer had changed his whole outlook on life. He had stopped planning for the future for the simple reason that the future might never happen. That was why he had taken only short-term working contracts after he’d recovered. A month here, two months there—it may not have been the career he’d planned, but at least he wouldn’t end up letting people down.
As for his private life, well, that had been simpler; any relationships he’d had had been strictly casual. There were no certainties in his life any more. Things could and did change in the blink of an eye as he knew from experience. He wasn’t in a position whereby he could commit himself to a relationship. However, when he’d met Emily, he had found himself doing the unthinkable, imagining what it would be like to share his life with her. That was why it had hit him so hard when she’d told him she was pregnant. He had always wanted a child and he’d known that he would have loved their child so very much…
Ben made himself stop right there. That was all in the past. Now he had to focus on the present, on finding a way to persuade Emily to give him a second chance. He only had to recall his relationship with his own father to understand how important it was that he and Theo got to know one another. It wasn’t going to be easy to convince Emily after the way he had behaved. Maybe there had been mitigating factors, and maybe she would take them into account if he was lucky, but all the maybes in the world didn’t add up to a guarantee. Whilst he was sure that Theo would benefit from having him around, he doubted if Emily would feel that she’d gain from it.
He grimaced. From what he had seen, Emily neither needed nor wanted him in her life.
Emily was glad that it was Saturday and that there was no surgery that day. Although she loved her job, a sleepless night had left her feeling drained. She got Theo dressed then gave him his breakfast in the garden because it was another gloriously sunny day. Leaving him eating his cereal, she went back inside and made herself a cup of coffee.
All night long thoughts had whizzed around her head, thoughts of Theo and Ben and what would happen. Would Ben change his mind about wanting to be involved in Theo’s life now that he’d seen him, or would it make no difference whatsoever? It would be easier if she knew how she felt about it all but she didn’t. On the one hand she didn’t want anything to do with Ben after the way he had treated her; however, on the other, she couldn’t bear to think that Theo might suffer if she denied him access to his father. Having been brought up by parents who had loved and supported her unconditionally, she didn’t want to deny Theo that same opportunity.
A knock on the front door roused her from her reverie and she hurried to answer it, expecting it to be her elderly neighbour, Mrs Rose. She often called on Saturday morning with her shopping list so that Emily could pick up what she needed at the supermarket. Opening the door, she summoned a smile that rapidly faded when she found Ben standing on the step.
‘What do you want?’ she demanded.
‘I think that’s obvious, don’t you?’ he replied calmly.
Emily’s lips compressed firstly because the trite answer annoyed her intensely and secondly because how dared he sound so calm when she felt so churned up? ‘No, I don’t think it’s obvious. Not when it concerns a man who has no desire whatsoever to acknowledge his responsibilities.’
‘That was then and this is now.’ He gave another of those shrugs but it had the opposite effect this time. Emily felt her temper soar. His arrogance was breathtaking. He seemed to think that he could pick and choose what he wanted to do with no recourse to anyone else, and especially not to her!
‘Really? Well, I’m afraid it doesn’t work like that, Ben. You made your feelings perfectly clear when I came to see you. You didn’t believe me when I told you I was expecting your child, or at least, that was the line you fed me.’
‘It wasn’t a line. I didn’t believe you.’
The conviction in his voice cut through her anger and she stared at him in shock. ‘You really mean that, don’t you?’
‘Oui. I had no reason to believe what you were saying but every reason to doubt it.’ He paused and she sensed that he found it difficult to continue but she refused to help him. Why should she make this easier for him when he had been so cruel to her?
‘I had cancer when I was in my twenties. After I’d finished my treatment, I was told that I could never father a child.’ He looked her in the eyes and she could see the pain in his. ‘That was why I didn’t believe you, Emily. I couldn’t accept that the child you were carrying was mine when I’d been told it could never happen.’
CHAPTER FOUR
‘CANCER!’
Ben could hear the shock in Emily’s voice and his heart contracted in sudden dread. The main reason why he avoided mentioning that he’d had cancer was because of the reaction it aroused. People feared cancer more than anything else and their response simply heightened his feeling of vulnerability. Although he’d been effectively cleared of the cancer, the thought that it might return was always at the back of his mind. He knew that his response wasn’t unusual; he’d met other cancer survivors and they had felt the same. Not even being told that they were cured could completely remove the last vestiges of fear.
‘Oui. I had Hodgkin’s lymphoma,’ he said flatly, not wanting to go down that route. He needed to tell Emily the facts as emotionlessly as possible and see where they went from there. ‘It was treated successfully. However, the drugs I was given left me infertile… or so I believed.’
‘I don’t know what to say.’ Emily took a deep breath and he saw a little colour come back to her face. ‘Obviously, that does help to explain why you reacted the way you did when I came to see you…’
‘Yes, it does!’ he said urgently, wondering if this was the opening he needed.
‘However, it doesn’t excuse it. You never gave me a chance, Ben, never even considered the possibility that I was telling you the truth. You’d been told you couldn’t father a child so that meant I was lying.’ She stared at him and the absence of warmth in her eyes sent a chill through him. ‘It proves how little you knew me, how little you cared to know.’
‘That’s not fair!’
‘Isn’t it? I disagree. I was just a convenience to you, someone you slept with, someone you never intended to see again once you left here.’
‘You make it sound so… so cold blooded,’ he protested and she shrugged.
‘I’m merely being truthful. We had an affair and that was it. There was never any talk of us staying together, was there?’
‘Perhaps we did not discuss it but neither did we rule it out,’ he countered and she laughed.
‘Oh, well done. I believe that’s called thinking on your feet. You don’t want to antagonise me so you’ve decided to put a spin on things.’
‘No, I don’t want to antagonise you, Emily. It’s the last thing I want to do.’ The comment had touched a nerve. Maybe there was some truth in what she’d said, but the situation wasn’t as clear cut as she believed. Although he may not have been able to offer her more than the few glorious weeks they’d had, it didn’t mean he hadn’t wanted to.
It was another thought he didn’t want to dwell on and he hurried on. ‘I want us to talk, Emily. I want us to try and reach some sort of agreement to help us deal with this situation.’
‘And what if I don’t want to talk? What if I feel that it would be better for everyone if you went back to Paris and carried on with your life—then what will you do?’
‘Try to change your mind, and if that doesn’t work, take whatever steps are necessary.’ His tone was flat which was surprising when he seemed to be a seething mass of emotions inside. Emily’s antipathy couldn’t be plainer. That was painful enough, but the fact that it was bound to have an effect on his hopes of building a relationship with Theo made it so much worse.
‘I intend to be involved in my son’s life whether you like the idea or not. I may be at fault for not believing you were carrying my child but there is nothing I can do about that now except explain my reasons and apologise. However, if you deny me access then I warn you that I shall fight you, Emily.’
Emily felt a rush of panic assail her. She hadn’t meant to stir up such a reaction but it seemed she had. She bit her lip, hating the feeling that she’d been backed into a corner. She needed time to think, time to work out how she felt. Learning that Ben had had cancer was a huge shock and she knew that it had made a difference. She needed to get that straight in her head before she did anything else.
‘Look, this is all getting out of hand,’ she began then stopped when Theo appeared, carrying his empty cereal bowl.
‘Finished, Mummy,’ he said, handing it to her before looking curiously at the man standing on the step.
Emily felt her heart catch when once again she was made aware of the resemblance between them. With his black curls, olive skin and huge dark eyes, Theo was the image of his father. Ben obviously realised it too because an expression of amazement crossed his face once more.
‘Bonjour, Theo. How are you today?’ he asked softly, bending down. He ran his finger down the little boy’s cheek and Emily felt a rush of tears fill her eyes when she saw him shudder. It was the first time Ben had actually touched his son and it was obvious that the contact had affected him deeply. It was only when Theo backed away, sheltering shyly behind her legs, that she collected herself. It was Theo who mattered most. How Ben did or didn’t feel wasn’t important.
She scooped the little boy into her arms and cuddled him close. Although Theo was a friendly, outgoing child with people he knew, he tended to be wary around strangers and she didn’t want him getting upset. She looked Ben firmly in the eyes, determined to start the way she intended to go on. ‘I’m sorry but I’m going to have to ask you to leave. I have things to do and I can’t spare the time to stand here talking to you.’
‘Really?’ Ben’s expression darkened as he straightened. ‘And when will you have the time, Emily?’
‘I’m not sure.’ She went to close the door, stopping when he put out his hand.
‘That’s not good enough, I’m afraid. We need to talk and I have no intention of allowing you to fob me off.’
‘The way you fobbed me off in Paris,’ she shot back and he flinched.
‘I have already apologised for that. If you want me to apologise again then I shall. I am very sorry for the way I behaved that day. I was unnecessarily harsh, even though at the time I truly believed I had every right to be.’
The words were faultless; however the tone of his voice told a very different story and her mouth compressed. Ben may be paying lip service to an apology but he didn’t really mean it. He still believed that he’d been right to call her a liar and a cheat without taking the time to consider that he might have been wrong. It simply drove it home to her once more how little he had cared about her. She’d been good enough to share his bed but she hadn’t warranted his respect. How on earth could they find any common ground with regard to Theo when their relationship was based on such shaky footings?
‘This isn’t getting us anywhere,’ she said quickly, afraid that it would take very little for her to break down. Although she’d been under no illusions about how Ben felt, it hurt to know that he’d cared so little about her when she had cared so much about him. ‘I don’t want you upsetting Theo so I want you to leave. If you insist on talking to me then I suggest we do it away from here.’
‘That’s fine by me, although I must point out that I have every intention of seeing Theo again.’ His expression softened as he looked at the little boy. ‘I want to get to know him, find out what he likes and dislikes.’
‘If—and it’s a big if at this stage—we reach that point then I won’t stand in your way if I think it’s best for Theo. However, I won’t allow you to bulldoze me into doing what you want, Ben. It’s Theo I’m concerned about, not you or what you want.’
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