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‘It was a spur-of-the-moment decision,’ she admitted, wondering what he was avoiding telling her. Maybe Nick’s reasons for travelling the globe had nothing to do with her, but she couldn’t help wishing that he’d told her more.
‘Because you suddenly decided to come here with someone else?’
‘Someone else?’ She looked at him blankly, wondering what had caused that grating note in his voice.
‘Uh-huh.’ He leant towards her and she was surprised to see the urgency in his eyes. ‘Are you here with your boyfriend, Leanne?’
‘Boyfriend?’ she repeated, then laughed out loud. ‘Definitely not! Michael made it very clear that he thought I was crazy to come here.’
‘I see.’ He sat back in his seat and she was shocked when she saw how his hands were trembling when he picked up his cup.
What was wrong with him? she wondered giddily. Why did he look so relieved to learn that she was in London on her own?
The question spun through her mind and the answer followed it so fast that she had no time to shut it out. She bit her lip as a tremor ran through her. Nick was relieved because he hated the thought of her being here with another man.
It was an effort to control how elated that idea made her feel so it was a moment before she realised that he had asked her another question.
‘I’m sorry. What did you say?’ she asked, praying that he couldn’t read her mind. The situation seemed to be spiralling out of control yet there was nothing she could do about it. She could no more stop herself feeling pleased about his reaction than she could have stopped herself breathing.
‘I asked why you’d come to England if it wasn’t to be with someone. You told me the other day that you weren’t here to go sightseeing.’
‘That’s true. I’m not.’ Leanne shrugged, not sure that she wanted to discuss the circumstances which had prompted her trip to England. She was still trying to come to terms with the discovery that she had been adopted and wasn’t sure that she would be able to control her emotions if she had to explain it to Nick.
‘Sorry.’ He reached across the table and squeezed her hand. ‘I didn’t mean to pry. I just needed to know…’ He stopped and she saw the strangest expression cross his face. It prompted her to ask a question she knew deep down shouldn’t be asked.
‘Why, Nick?’ she asked gently, her heart stalling because it felt as though something momentous was about to happen. ‘Why did you need to know?’
‘Because I want to know everything about you, Leanne. Your likes and dislikes, what makes you angry and sad. What gives you pleasure and causes you pain.’
His fingers tightened around hers but she knew that he wasn’t aware that he was hurting her. ‘I know it doesn’t make sense, but I need to get to know you better even though we can never have a future together.’
Nick took a deep breath but his heart was hammering so hard that it felt as though it was going to shoot right out of his chest. Leanne was staring at him and he could see the shock in her eyes.
No damned wonder, he thought savagely, quickly withdrawing his hand. She probably thought he was a lunatic for coming out with a statement like that!
‘Why can’t we have a future, Nick?’
It was the last thing he had expected her to ask and it threw him into total confusion. He picked up his coffee-cup again then immediately put it down. Maybe he would regret this later, but he had left himself no choice other than to be honest with her.
‘Because I’m not looking for commitment and never shall be,’ he said bluntly, hating to see how she winced. His fingers curled around the cup because there was no way that he could risk holding her hand again when his emotions were so finely balanced.
‘Never is a long time. You might change your mind.’
‘I won’t. I can’t.’
‘Can’t? What do you mean by that?’ Her eyes were luminous with unshed tears and it hurt to know that he was the cause of them. Of its own volition his hand reached out again and covered hers.
‘Because I made a decision many years ago never to get involved in a long-term relationship, and I can’t go back on it,’ he explained, knowing that he was glossing over the truth. If she pressed him, would he tell her the whole story? he wondered suddenly.
A few women had asked him to explain why he lived his life the way he did, but he’d always avoided giving them a direct answer. Yet if Leanne asked him, he knew that he would have to tell her, even though it was something he would prefer not to do. He didn’t want her to think that he was looking for sympathy, neither did he want her to persuade him that he had made the wrong decision.
‘And you had your reasons for making that decision, I don’t doubt.’ She smiled at him and her eyes were full of compassion. ‘Maybe one day you will feel able to tell me, but I won’t press you, Nick. I just think it’s a shame that you’re denying yourself so much.’
‘I enjoy my life,’ he said shortly, somewhat stung by the remark as well as by the thought that he might have made a mistake. He knew that it was the only choice he could have made in the circumstances. ‘I do a job I love and I get to see far more of the world than most people could dream of seeing. I’m certainly not unhappy.’
‘Of course not, and I wasn’t implying that you were.’
Leanne withdrew her hand abruptly and he had to stop himself from reaching for it again as she picked up her cup and sipped a little of the coffee. She placed the cup carefully back on the table then looked him squarely in the eyes.
‘I know there’s something between us, Nick. I felt it yesterday when we met and I can feel it now. Maybe it’s good old-fashioned sexual attraction and maybe it’s something more, but I don’t think either of us is in a position to dig too deeply into how we feel at the moment. You asked me why I came to England and maybe it would be best if I told you.’
‘You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to,’ he said quickly, his head reeling from her honesty. Was it purely desire they felt for one another? Or was it more than that, as she’d just hinted?
His mind shied away from what that ‘more’ could be because it was ridiculous to think such a thing. Leanne was speaking again and he made himself focus on what she was saying, feeling a spasm shoot through him when he heard the pain in her voice.
‘My mother died two months ago. It wasn’t a complete shock because she had been ill for some time. She’d had rheumatic fever as a child and had always had heart problems.
‘It hit Dad very hard, though, so after the funeral I offered to sort out her belongings to make it a bit easier for him. It was while I was going through some old papers that I discovered I had been adopted as a baby. I’d had no idea until then.’
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