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‘In what way did he take over your working life?’
Ryan’s voice grated and Eve steered her thoughts away from herself. Although she wanted him to know the truth, she didn’t want it to have a detrimental effect on him too. It was enough that her life had been blighted by her stupidity.
‘Oh, it was pure textbook stuff once again,’ she said with an insouciance she didn’t feel. ‘You know, the odd comment that made me doubt my judgement or a look that implied I was mistaken. Damien often conducted ward rounds, if you remember. The consultant was rarely there so there were dozens of opportunities when he could belittle me. And he made the most of them, believe me.’
‘I never realised.’ Ryan frowned. ‘I can remember him being rather sharp with you a few times but I thought he was trying to make it appear that he didn’t favour you. Everyone knew you two were an item and I assumed he didn’t want anyone complaining that you had an unfair advantage.’
‘No chance of that.’ She smiled bitterly. ‘I was never going to get a boost up the career ladder if Damien had anything to do with it.’
‘It must have been a nightmare for you, Eve. Did you never think of telling anyone?’
‘No. By the time I realised what was happening, it was too late. I was too ashamed of letting myself be sucked in and too afraid of Damien to speak out.’
Ryan stared at his coffee. He was gripping the mug so hard that the bones in his hands gleamed white through his skin. He forced himself to relax his grip, afraid that he would crush the china, not that it mattered. What did a broken cup matter? Eve had been put through the wringer and spat out the other side and he’d been so intent on making sure that he didn’t get involved that he’d allowed it to happen. Even though he’d had no idea what had been going on, he would never get over the guilt he felt for letting her down.
‘I’m sorry, Eve. I know it’s too late, but I’m really and truly sorry I wasn’t there for you.’ He looked up, met her eyes, and felt worse than ever. She had needed him and he had failed her; what sort of a person did that make him?
‘You weren’t to know, Ryan. I made sure you didn’t know, in fact.’ She gave a hoarse little laugh. ‘I became extremely adept at concealing the evidence.’
‘You mean the bruises?’ Ryan heard the disgust in his voice, not at what she had done by hiding the evidence but at what had been done to her, although he realised too late that it was what she thought.
‘Yes, although Damien was careful not to hit me where it showed most of the time.’
Ryan couldn’t bear it. He simply couldn’t bear to hear her sounding so apologetic. She was the victim. And she was the one who should be reaping all the apologies.
‘Obviously a man of many talents,’ he said roughly, pushing back his chair. He went over to the kettle, although he doubted if he could drink any more coffee without it choking him. Still, he had to do something, had to take the edge off the moment and make it more bearable for her.
She had been so brave to tell him what she had. He had dealt with other victims of abuse and he knew how hard they found it to speak about their experiences. There was all the shame as well as the misplaced guilt, the thought that somehow they had brought it upon themselves. He couldn’t bear to think that Eve believed she was responsible for what had happened to her, although he wouldn’t be surprised if she did.
He swung round. ‘What happened wasn’t your fault, Eve. You do understand that?’
‘Yes and no.’ She shrugged, avoiding his eyes as she stared at point above his left shoulder. ‘Intellectually I understand it but emotionally … well, it’s a different story.’
Ryan swore under his breath as he sat down. He leant across the table, his frustration rising because he didn’t dare touch her. Would they ever reach a point where he could? he wondered. A point where she wouldn’t shrink away and would welcome his touch? He had no idea yet all of a sudden it seemed incredibly important that it should happen. He needed to touch Eve, for his sake as well as for hers. She may have been absent from his life for several years but he wanted her to be part of it from now on.
The thought barely had a chance to filter through the receptors in his brain when there was a loud hammering on the cottage door. Ryan stood up, frowning as he glanced along the hall.
‘I wonder who that is,’ he said, his voice sounding rough thanks to all the emotions he’d had to contend with in the past half hour. He had slipped into a comfortable routine over the years. Although he dated frequently, he never gave one hundred per cent of himself to a relationship. There was always a couple of per cent held in reserve, a bit of himself going spare.
It was safer that way. If he held something back, he could remain focused on his objectives, i.e. keeping Scott’s name alive and raising money to prevent other families going through what his family had gone through. However, he knew that if he involved himself in Eve’s affairs, he wouldn’t be able to do that. He would have to give her one hundred per cent of himself and he wasn’t sure if it would be wise. Something warned him that every little bit he gave to Eve would make him want to give even more and where would that leave him? In over his head, in so deep that he’d never surface?
He had avoided love and avoided it for one very important reason: he didn’t want to be responsible for ruining some woman’s life. What if he fell in love, got married, had a child and, like Scott, it died? Although he wasn’t affected by the genetic abnormality that had caused his brother’s death, he could pass it on to his own children. That was why he was never going to have children and why he was never going to marry either. It wouldn’t be fair to enter into marriage on that basis. Maybe the woman would accept it at first, but what if she changed her mind? What if she decided that she wanted a family and he refused? How could any marriage survive that kind of pressure?
As he made his way to the door, Ryan realised that no matter how he felt about Eve, it wasn’t enough. Was that why he had stuck to friendship in the past? Why he had deliberately distanced himself after that kiss? Had he known, subconsciously, that Eve was the woman who could make him reconsider his decision to remain single?
With a sudden rush of insight, he knew it was true and it made him even more determined not to get involved with her on anything more than a friendly basis. Eve had been through enough, without him ruining her life as well.
Ryan’s heart was heavy as he opened the door. He frowned when he found his neighbour, Maureen Roberts, on the step. She was soaking wet, dripping water and river slime all over the doormat.
‘We need your help, Ryan,’ she said before he could speak. ‘A boy’s fallen into the river and he’s not breathing. My Frank pulled him out but he’s not sure what to do.’
‘Right. Have you phoned for an ambulance?’ Ryan asked immediately.
‘No. Frank’s phone won’t work. It was in his trouser pocket when he jumped into the water.’
‘No problem.’ Ryan glanced round when he heard footsteps and felt his heart lift when he saw Eve before he ruthlessly brought it back down to earth. No ringing bells, no shooting stars—just friendship.
‘Can you phone for an ambulance? A boy’s fallen into the river and he isn’t breathing. I’m going to see what I can do to help.’
He turned and jogged down the path, not waiting to see if Eve did as he’d asked. He knew she would, knew too that she would follow and help him. They were certainties like the sun rising each morning and setting each night and he could cope with them. What he couldn’t handle were all the unanswered questions buzzing around inside his head. Could he stick to being Eve’s friend? Or would he end up wanting more than friendship? And if he did, could he resist? Or would he give in?
He ran down the path to the river, ran as though his life depended on him getting there, but no matter how fast he went, he couldn’t outrun the questions.
Did he?
Would he?
Should he?
Could he?
He wished he knew!
CHAPTER FOUR
THEY CARRIED ON trying to resuscitate the boy long after it became clear that it was hopeless. Eve took over again, pumping the child’s thin chest while Ryan breathed into his mouth. She wanted to tell him to stop, wanted to assure him that they’d done everything possible, but she couldn’t seem to find the words. How could she tell him that life was extinct when it was obviously so important to him that they save the boy?
The ambulance arrived at last and it was a relief to let the paramedics take over. Ryan supervised as the crew followed procedure and gave the boy a shot of adrenaline then tried to defibrillate him. They tried twice more but the result was the same: a flat, unwavering line on the screen. The boy was gone and now all that could be done for him was to inform his parents.
Ryan’s face was set as they watched the ambulance quietly drive away. There was no need for flashing lights or sirens now, Eve thought sadly. She forced herself to smile when Maureen came over to them, seeking reassurance.
‘We did everything possible, Maureen. There’s no knowing how long he’d been in the water before your husband saw him, so the odds were against us from the outset.’
‘I know that, love. It’s just so hard when it’s a child, isn’t it?’ Maureen’s face crumpled and tears rolled down her cheeks. ‘Those poor parents. I can’t imagine how awful it’s going to be for them when they find out.’
‘I know,’ Eve agreed sadly. ‘Is he a local child, do you know?’
‘No. Apparently, the family’s here on holiday. They’ve rented a caravan over at Fulbrook Farm,’ Maureen explained, sniffing noisily. Her husband appeared just then, grey-faced with shock, and led her away.
Eve sighed as she turned to Ryan, who had been standing silently to one side. ‘That’s it, then. There’s nothing more we can do.’
She thought he hadn’t heard her at first but then he nodded. Swinging round on his heel, he led the way up the path, pausing briefly to give the police officer who had attended the scene his name and address. Eve gave hers as well, nodding when she was informed that she would be required to make a statement later. It was procedure and she would do what had to be done even though it gave her no pleasure. A young life had been lost and it was a tragedy.
Was that why it had had such an impact on Ryan? Had it reminded him of losing his brother? He had never told her how his twin had died but it could explain why he seemed so deeply affected by what had happened. Eve bit her lip as she followed him into the house. Whilst she didn’t want to become too involved in his affairs, she couldn’t walk away when he needed her. It wouldn’t be fair, especially after the way he had listened to her, listened and not judged her as he’d had every right to do. He had been a good friend in the past and he had been a good friend today too. Talking to him had made her feel so much better.
The thought surprised her, although she didn’t dwell on it. Walking over to the kettle, she switched it on and then turned to him. ‘I could do with a drink. How about you?’
He shrugged. ‘Fine.’
He sat down, his face shuttered, his eyes blank, and Eve knew she was right. This had as much to do with losing his brother as it had with them failing to save the boy’s life. Pulling out a chair, she sat down, feeling a little flutter of alarm in the centre of her chest. If she asked him to tell her about his brother, it would be even harder to keep her distance, but how could she not ask? Not try to help? It would be a mark of cowardice and she refused to be a coward ever again.
‘I hope I’m not speaking out of turn but I can see that this has affected you. Has it brought back memories of your brother?’
‘How did you guess?’ He sighed as he tipped back his chair and stared at the ceiling. Eve had a feeling that he didn’t want her to see just how much it had affected him and felt hurt before she realised how silly it was. Her feelings didn’t matter; it was how Ryan felt that was important.
‘What happened to him?’ she asked, trying to inject a degree of objectivity into her voice that she didn’t feel. She cared that Ryan was hurting and it worried her. She was too emotionally scarred to find the right balance and it would be far too easy to get swept along in a direction she shouldn’t take.
‘He suffered a cardiac arrest. There was no warning. He just dropped down onto the ground and died.’
‘How awful!’ she exclaimed. ‘It must have been a terrible shock for you and your parents.’
‘It was.’ His tone was flat. Eve guessed that it was the only way he could talk about what had happened, by keeping his emotions under control. ‘Scott was always superbly fit. He was a brilliant footballer—he played centre forward for our school—and he took his training really seriously. He wanted to turn professional and he would have made it too. He was actually playing a match when he died. There was a scout there for one of the big league clubs and Scott was just superb, and then all of a sudden he fell to the ground.’
He stopped, his expression so bleak that Eve’s heart ached for him. Reaching out, she touched his hand, unaware of what she was doing. She just wanted to comfort him, to console him, to offer anything she could that might help to ease his pain.
‘I’m so sorry, Ryan. Really I am.’
‘Thank you.’ He dredged up a smile. ‘It’s got easier with time but it still upsets me whenever I think about it.’
‘It’s bound to.’ She withdrew her hand, suddenly realising what she had done. A shiver passed through her, although for some reason she didn’t feel as panicstricken as she might have expected. She cleared her throat, not wanting to explore that idea either. ‘Do you know what actually happened to him?’
‘Yes. It was long QT syndrome.’
‘That’s a disorder of the heart’s electrical system, isn’t it?’ Eve clarified.
‘That’s right. The QT interval is a measurement on the ECG tracing that reflects the electrical activity in the ventricles. In LQTS the length of time it takes the electrical system to recharge itself after each heartbeat is longer than normal. This can create a very rapid, irregular heart rhythm, which results in no blood being pumped from the heart. If that happens the brain is deprived of oxygen, causing a sudden loss of consciousness or even death.’ He grimaced. ‘Sorry. You must know all that. I’m just so used to explaining it at various fundraising events that it’s second nature to trot out the whole spiel.’
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