Back In The Saddle

That he couldn’t get Mallory Keyes out of his head now... What the hell? They’d barely even had what you could call a real conversation. Certainly nothing to provoke this crazy reaction.

This crazy attraction.

The thought made Zach actually jump. Oh, sure, she was pretty and all, but him noticing that wasn’t unusual, even for him. He hadn’t lost his ability to appreciate a good-looking woman, even if he no longer had any inclination to act on it.

And that was it, in a nutshell: because there’d never again be anyone like Heidi, someone who got him in a way nobody else ever had. The moment they’d met in school, even, the click had been almost audible. That kind of connection—what were the odds of that happening twice in one lifetime? Hell, even once? That his once had been ripped away from him like that...

His eyes stinging, Zach scrubbed a palm over his face. Sometimes he wondered if he’d ever stop missing her. Or at least if it would ever stop hurting so damn much. Not that he talked about it to anyone. What would be the point? Wasn’t as if that would change anything, or bring her back, or make the hurting stop. And God knew he didn’t need to dump his pain on anyone else. Especially his boys.

What Mallory’d said, about finding a new normal, especially for her son? Much to admire in that, actually. Just as there was a lot to admire in the woman. A lot. Come to think of it, maybe her strength was what he found so appealing. Well, that and her sense of humor. Had to admit, he was a sucker for a woman who could laugh at herself, who didn’t take life too seriously—

Like Heidi.

Zach sighed so loudly he made the dog jump. Absolutely, he wanted nothing more than for his kids to have a normal life. To be happy, for God’s sake, as kids are supposed to be. To have the kind of childhood he and his brothers had. As much as his boys could, anyway, with only one parent. But for him, normal died with his wife. That was just the way it was, nothing he could do to change it.

Just as he knew he’d never fall in love again. Because his once was over.

And not being able to get Mallory Keyes out of his head wasn’t going to change that, either.

* * *

“Honey,” Mama called from the other room, “have you seen my sunglasses?”

Wrapped up in a fluffy throw on a wicker couch—she refused to spend all her waking hours in the frickin’ wheelchair—out in the glassed-in porch, Mallory called back, “Sorry, no.”

“Shoot,” Mama said, her ballet flats slapping against the brick pavers when she joined Mallory. “I know I had ’em when we drove out to the ranch, I must’ve left ’em in the powder room. And is there some reason you’re sitting out here in the dark?”

Mallory felt a tight smile tug at her mouth. “Just thinkin’.”

“About?” Enough light spilled through the great room’s double door to see Edgar cradled against her mother’s chest as she balanced a mug of something in her other hand.

She could, she supposed, refuse to answer. Or lie. Knowing her mother, both choices would be pointless. “How sad that poor man is.”

Mama lowered herself into the padded rocker across from the couch. “I take it you’re referring to our friendly neighborhood vet?”

Mallory smirked. “You know what’s strange? Ever since this—” she gestured toward her lap “—I have a much harder time seeing other people unhappy. Almost like...”

“You can feel their pain?”

“Maybe.”

“That’s hardly surprising,” Mama said, rearranging the spoiled rotten dog in her lap before reaching over to turn on a small lamp on the table next to her. Mallory winced. “Considering how hard you’ve worked to regain your own equilibrium, it’s no wonder you’re more empathetic. Now maybe you understand why I wanted the two of you to meet each other.”

“Oh, I know why you wanted us to meet—”

“No, I don’t think you do.”

Mallory crossed her arms. “You’re honestly gonna sit there and tell me you weren’t trying to fix me up?”

“Not in the conventional sense, no. I’m serious,” she said at Mallory’s smirk. “Yes, I’d love for you to find a man who’ll love you the way you deserve to be loved. I’m not gonna apologize for that. But even now that I know Zach Talbot is single, I’m not all that sure he’s that man.”

This was a shocker. “Really?”

“Really. Well, not now, anyway. Because when his brother and I were up at the house, he filled me in a little more about what Zach’s been through.”

“Oh, Lord, Mama—”

“I did not ask him, I swear. But Josh is clearly worried about him. So’s the rest of his family, I gather. Zach’s the oldest of the four boys—the second one’s off finding himself or whatever, and then there’s Josh and his twin brother Levi—”

“There’s two of them?” With his dark good looks, Josh could put most of the Hollyhood hotties to shame. “Damn.”

“You said it. But Josh and Levi are fraternal twins, Josh said. Anyway...” She waved one hand. “Zach was always the quiet one, but since his wife’s death, Josh says, it’s like Zach’s buried himself in his sorrow. Not that he ever was the life of the party or anything. More the serious type, you know? But for more than two years, it’s like he’s been in a fog. And the more Josh and I talked, the more it occurred to me you might be able to help him find his way out of that fog. As a friend, Mallory Ann. Only as a friend.”

“And I’m supposed to believe that?”

“I do not understand why you always think I have ulterior motives.”

“Um, because I’ve known you for nearly forty years? But even accepting your premise...why do you think I’d be able to help him?”

“Because you’ve been where he is. Not losing a spouse, no, but having your world turned on its head. And you yourself said it hurts you to see others in pain—”

“That doesn’t exactly make me an expert in helping them move past it. And anyway, I would think your situation is more similar to his than mine is.”

Mama stroked the sleeping dog’s head for a moment. “On the surface, that makes sense. But...”

“But what?”

Her mother’s eyes met hers. “Your father and I...we weren’t exactly what you’d call soul mates. Oh, we liked each other well enough, and we got along fine. Shoot, I can count on the fingers of one hand the times we argued. And I truly grieved him when he died. I mean that. Jimmy was a good man. But I remember the day—it was right after your tenth birthday, as I recall—when it suddenly dawned on me I wasn’t in love with him. Never had been. I loved him, of course. Respected him, absolutely. And God knows I wanted more...” She shook her head. “It just never happened.”

Frankly, Mallory wasn’t nearly as shocked as she probably should’ve been. Mama was absolutely right about Daddy being a good man, and Mallory had loved him to pieces. And he, her. But her parents had had separate bedrooms for as long as she could remember. True, there’d been shared laughter, but it’d been more the laughter of friends, not lovers.

“And you’re telling me this now, why?”

“Don’t really know, to be truthful. Except something about being out here...it makes me want to be more honest, maybe. Must be the thinner air or something.”

Mallory smiled. “So why’d you marry him?”

“Oh, you know. Small town, timing was right...” She shrugged. “I had no complaints, though, all told. Don’t think Jimmy did, either. Maybe because we didn’t have any other frame of reference, I don’t know. But my point is, if what Josh says is true—and my eyes and ears tell me it is—I can’t relate to that young man’s sense of loss, of upheaval, nearly as well as I think you can.”

Wishing to hell the light was off, Mallory looked away. Because, fine, her mother was right—Mallory could definitely relate to the hurt she saw in those deep blue eyes, even though their situations were nothing alike. She also guessed Zach was doing everything in his power to keep everyone from knowing how much. Because she’d been there, too. Still was, frankly.

But what struck her even more was how close to home her mother’s confession had hit. That even as Mallory found herself perturbed for her mother’s sake that she’d apparently never experienced true, all-consuming love, she realized...neither had she. That her own marriage hadn’t exactly been all about the passion, either. When it ended, she’d felt more disappointed than devastated. Had Russell felt even that much? she wondered.

And if she let her thoughts continue down this path, she’d be screwed. Hoping to ease the ache in her back, she fisted the cushion on either side of her hips to shift on the sofa. “And what, exactly, do you think I could do for Zach?”

“Be an example, maybe?”

“Of what? My spine is broken, not my heart—”

“Then maybe you should remember those first few weeks, after the accident, when you were sure your life was over. No, you’re no expert, maybe, but you’ve overcome so much, baby—”

“Oh, Mama...”

“What?”

She reached for her mother’s hand. “In case you hadn’t noticed, my life has kind of imploded over the last year or so. Again. Whole reason I’m here, you know? To take stock, figure out what comes next. Maybe to you it looked like I was doing okay—”

“More than ‘okay,’ honey—”

“Physically? Yes, I’ve exceeded everyone’s expectations. Not to mention my own. And I’m grateful for that, believe me. But my marriage fell apart, my son’s living with his father, and I’ve been in career limbo since the accident. Those are the facts. I’m no more in the position to be a cheerleader for somebody else—particularly somebody I’m guessing would not take kindly to some stranger sticking her nose in his personal life—than the man in the moon. I came here to get away from complications, not pile more on.”

“And it’s not like you to feel sorry for yourself.”

“Seriously?”

“Oh, don’t give me that look—yes, that one. Because you know full well you wouldn’t’ve made the progress you did if I’d babied you. If I’d felt sorry for you. And damned if I’m gonna start now. So you’ve had a few setbacks. Big deal. This, too, shall pass.”

And the elephant swaggered into the room and plopped its big ole butt on the pavers between them.

“I know you think I shouldn’t’ve left LA. Or given up on Landon—”

“I never said that.”

“You didn’t have to, the undertones to every one of our conversations are loud and clear.”

Mama’s mouth pulled tight. “Then, no, I don’t think leaving was the answer. And it wasn’t Landon you gave up on. It was yourself.”

Mallory’s face warmed. “Being realistic—or taking time to get my head on straight—is not feeling sorry for myself. Or giving up. Whether you think so or not. And what on earth does any of this have to do with Zach Talbot?”

Shifting the dog in her arms, her mother stood. “You need a purpose, honey. A reason to get up in the mornings. To get out of your own head. And right now it doesn’t look to me like you have that. I’m only saying, that young man might be why you were led to come here.”

“Now you’re just talking crazy.”

“Yeah, well, at least I’m talking. At least I’m facing the truth. Not running away from it.”

With that, Mama shook back her hair as much as a ton of hairspray would allow and left the room.

But the worst part of it was that Mama was right. Dammit.

Then again, if Mallory was as messed up as her loving mother seemed to think she was, what on earth good would she be to Zach? Who by all accounts was equally as messed up?

She tossed aside the throw over her legs to get back in the chair, which she rolled across the floor to turn out the damn light, so she could sit in the damn dark and consider her sins.

Which, apparently, were many.

Dammit.

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