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‘And that’s another thing about public-school boys. You shake hands.’
‘Of course, training for the corporate world. How was it, firm and manly? But with a hint of gentleness, trust and compassion?’
She can’t help but laugh. ‘And only very slightly damp. Just why do you shake hands? It’s an old man’s thing.’
‘Hmm, yes, I suppose it is. I have a theory. It may be mine, it may not. But my theory is that people are actually born at a certain age. You know, within them somewhere their clock is set at a certain year. And their life is either building up to that age, or falling away from it. And you can tell with some of us because it’s obvious we aren’t at our age yet. Me, I’m thirty-five; always have been. Have always felt I’m treading water till I get there and then, finally, I’ll be comfortable. I’ll fit myself. Do you like older men?’
‘As long as they don’t have damp palms, or hairy ones for that matter.’
‘Or a hairy back. I’d draw the line at that, if I were you.’
They stand there thinking of what to say next, neither wanting the conversation to end. ‘So, you’re thirty-five? Why that age?’ It’s his shirt that makes her ask. Every other male in the bar wears a T-shirt, but he has on a rumpled blue shirt, now with damp, beery patches. She wonders if it’s an affectation.
‘Actually I don’t know. Plucked it out of the air one day to explain how I felt and it stuck. Seemed old at the time, ancient. Not sure it is really, is it? I may be very much older. Not sure I should have mentioned it now…’
Head to one side, she studies him. ‘I think it’s OK. I can see you at thirty-five, actually. It’ll suit you.’
‘Well, if we still know each other when we’re thirty-five you can say I told you so.’
‘Ha, as if … Look out, Laura’s coming back. That’s an awful nickname. And she doesn’t really look like she’s got a broom stuck up her arse.’
‘Looks like she wouldn’t mind one though … Oops, sorry, drink talking. Besides, she’s not my type.’
‘Rubbish, Laura’s everyone’s type.’
‘Nah. Too self-possessed. Scary. I think you’re a bit in awe of her. You shouldn’t be. And don’t think you have to copy her either.’
‘Who, me? I don’t copy her!’ She looks over at her friend and blushes again. She knows she does. ‘I’m just … anyway, she is pretty and there’s no need to be mean to her.’
‘True. No need for meanness, ever. You missed your cue, you know, back there.’
‘What cue?’
‘The bit when I said she’s not my type.’
‘Oh … well … who is your type?’
He leans in, eyes sparkling. ‘Ah, too late, Totty, too late.’
CHAPTER TWO
Putney, February 2010
‘Unbelievable!’ Ed shakes his head and pours the last of the wine into his glass. ‘You took that box to Lampeter and hoiked it all the way up Magic Mushroom Mountain and then tipped some out?’ His glasses slip down his nose again making him look even more like the Milky Bar Kid than usual. Well, an elongated, middle-aged version.
‘What was I supposed to do? He left a list,’ I say. ‘Dear Ruthie, remember those conversations about dying we had? Well, these are the places I want to be scattered,’ starting with Lampeter. And you know what? He says he wrote ten letters, like a Top Ten Places To Be Scattered. That’s so him, a league table for everything. But there are only nine. He must have changed his mind. It’s all very well to want to be scattered all over the world, but he didn’t think it through properly. It’s bloody heavy, that box, apart from anything else.’
‘He did think of quite a lot though,’ says Sally, looking at the carefully printed page headed Siena. ‘Look, you just have to book a flight from Heathrow to Pisa — EasyJet — and he’s told you which online car-hire company to use. Not one I’ve heard of, but I’ll bet it’s the best. You know what he was like. He says you need to remember to book a satnav. And here, see, he’s even put little boxes so you can tick off when you’ve packed all the important things.
First, find all the essentials, he says, don’t worry about matching your shoes to your outfits, Ruthie, not at this stage. Hmmm, what does he know? You need matching shoes if you’re going to Italy. Anyway … Get out the important things and tick them off the list below. Then he gives you the list. Passport. Print-out of boarding pass. Credit cards. Mobile. Italian translation app. Driving licence …
‘Oh, God, I’m going to have to drive the car right out of the airport rental place! How am I supposed to do this all by myself? Get on a plane, find the right car rental desk, drive on the wrong side of the road, navigate all the way to Siena, park the car, find the hotel. Trip did the driving, he hated being a passenger. I can’t do this by myself. I’ve never been on holiday on my own.’
‘Is it even legal to take six pounds of dead-person ash into international air space?’
‘Ed, you’re not helping.’ Sally shoots him as stern a look as she can manage, which is surprisingly effective considering she’s five foot three with blond curly hair and still has freckles on her nose. People underestimate Sal. ‘Although, thinking about it, you might have a point. He’ll have to go as hand luggage. You know airlines can’t be trusted to get your luggage to the same destination as you these days. There’s no way you can check in the box even if you hide it in a suitcase.
What if the suitcase went missing? Mum’s luggage didn’t arrive that time they went to the States. It ended up in Gdansk. Gdansk! What if Trip ended up there or Panama or Delhi or Timbukflippingtu? How would you explain to the airline why it’s so desperately important to trace one suitcase? Excuse me, sir, but you appear to have lost my husband. No, he’ll definitely have to go as hand luggage.
‘He can’t go as hand luggage! Think about the EasyJet rules — one piece of hand luggage and that’s it! If I take him like that I’ll not even be able to take a handbag. Where will I put all my stuff?’ I get up and head for the kitchen. I need some more wine.
I pause at the door. ‘Are you hungry? I’ve got some chocolate. You know the worst thing about all this is I’m going to have to do it all over again. And again. And again. He wants to go to all these different places. Granted, not all of them are abroad, so I wouldn’t have to go into international airspace each time, but still — all sorts of things can happen on trains. What if I got off at Padstow and left him by mistake? He’d end up in a siding at Penzance! How would I get him back then?’
Sally and Ed stay silent.
I find three big bars of Fairtrade chocolate in the cupboard and grab another bottle. Look at me. Chocolate and wine. I haven’t even been in the kitchen since December except to find another packet of biscuits. It’s all your fault, Toby Masterson. I’m going to be as fat as a house soon. Fat as a house with crap hair and wearing tracksuit bottoms. I haven’t put on make-up for weeks. Believe me, there isn’t anything glamorous about being a widow.
I sigh and glug wine into our glasses, musing, ‘I guess at least the box’ll get lighter every time I have to dump a bit of him out. It would be much easier if he was in nine convenient packages.’
‘Well —’
‘Ed! Don’t even think about suggesting what you’re about to suggest.’ Sally frowns at him. He’s sprawled, gangly legs akimbo, in your seat on the other sofa or she’d have kicked his shin.
‘What am I about to suggest?’
‘You know very well."
‘Anyway,’ I interrupt ‘whoever thought of it, it’s a good idea. I can just take one little container to each place instead of the big box. No worries about hand luggage and no chance of him ending up in Prague.’
‘Gdansk.’
‘Panama.’
‘Delhi.’
‘Timbukflippingtu.’
The more I think about it, the better the idea becomes. There’s only one thing and I don’t think it’s a problem, not really. Ed will soon tell me if he thinks it is. He knew you so well. I look at him.
‘Trip wouldn’t mind. Would he? I’m pretty certain he wouldn’t.’
Ed shakes his head. ‘He wouldn’t mind.’
Just like that, I’ve decided.
‘I think we should do it. In fact, let’s do it now.’
‘Good plan! What are you going to put him in?’ and ‘What? Now? Are you sure that’s a good idea?’ say Sal and Ed at the same time.
‘Jamjars. Well, jars anyway. Let’s check the recycling box.’
The recycling box isn’t a great help. In fact it’s an embarrassment. Luckily Sally and Ed are too sensitive to comment. The recycling lorry comes every two weeks and isn’t due for another five days. Even so, there are already eleven wine bottles in there, thirteen now actually, with the two we just finished. But only three jars. It didn’t use to be this way, did it? Surely we used to generate more tins and jars, not just bottles? But then I haven’t been able to cook anything proper, not since December. I just … can’t. It’s more than not being bothered to cook for one.
Cooking has always been my default setting. Stressed, on edge, fed up; it doesn’t matter, I just cook something. Spend the afternoon making four or five little dishes of garlicky Mediterranean pleasure. Tasty smackerels, as you would call them.
How could that fail to make a person feel better?
Except it doesn’t, not now, there’s no comfort in this beautiful kitchen that I dreamed about and planned, and that we saved so long for. I’ve got no one to be pissed off with, to be fed up about, to celebrate with. I’ve got no one to cook for.
Like I said, I eat a lot of biscuits these days. They go with the greasy hair.
Ed’s voice pulls me back to the moment.
‘Pesto, marinated black olives and Marmite. Nice combo, but not a lot of help with the project in hand — the Marmite jar’s no good, too small. And while we’re at it, who’s ever seen an empty jar of Marmite before? Ridiculous.’ He shoves it back in the recycling box. ‘We need more receptacles.’
‘We could empty all the jars in the fridge?’ says Sally doubtfully.
Ed’s head is already in there. ‘Actually,’ he says ‘It hasn’t got any to empty.’
Then I remember the jam-making box in the pantry. Soon Ed’s head is in the jam-making box, rummaging around.
‘You’ve got all sorts, Ruth. What do you want?’
‘Not peanut butter, the plastic lid isn’t dignified. They shouldn’t put plastic lids on organic products, it’s just not right. But brinjal pickle’s a definite yes; never met a man who liked it as much as Trip. That roasted red pepper jar is good, and honey. Honey for my honey.’
‘Ah, that’s nice. How about marmalade?’ asks Sally. ‘There, that’s nine. Marinated olives, marmalade, honey — honey for Ruth’s honey — brinjal pickle, pesto, roasted red peppers, blackcurrant conserve and these two. No labels, but they’ve got those nice red and white gingham lids.’
‘OK, so now we fill them up. Unless … Should we sterilise them first, do you think, like with jam?’ I study the jars. They look like a group of people standing all crowded together on the kitchen island. Ed shakes his head.
‘Nah, it’s not like you’re going to eat any of it.’
The thought hangs in the air.
‘Do you think it’ll look like wood ash from the fireplace — Trip’s ash, I mean?’ Ed muses. I look from him to Sally. It’s clear neither of them know what a person’s ash looks like. ‘I mean, do you think there’ll be bits?’
‘Bits?’ The horror on Sally’s face says she hasn’t considered there might be bits. Strangely, this makes me feel better.
‘Teeth?’ he clarifies.
‘Oh, fuck it.’ I pop the catches. ‘Here goes,’ I say and flip open the lid. Ed peers in.
‘Wow. It does look like wood ash.’
Sally trembles on the other side of the kitchen. ‘There aren’t any teeth, are there?’
I push a cautious fingertip a little way into the detritus. It’s soft, powdery. This soft, powdery mass is you.
Was you.
‘All right, Ruthie?’ Sally squeezes my shoulder.
I nod, dash a hand under my nose. Silly, there’s nothing to get upset about. Time for action. ‘Let’s just get on with it, shall we?’ I grab a jar.
‘Hmmm, well, yes, bloody easier said than done, actually. How are we going to get six pounds of ash into eight jars?’
‘Use a spoon?’ Sally has retreated to the other side of the room.
‘That’ll take all night. And, well, it’d go everywhere.’
Then I remember the funnel I use for filling the jars when I make jam. It must be in the box. Perfect. Though I doubt I’ll be using it to make jam again anytime soon … or ever. Right, compose yourself. This is going to be simple. Just put the funnel in the brinjal pickle jar and pour.
‘Here, let me hold it,’ says Ed. I tilt it. My arms are trembling. The box knocks against the jar, and would have tipped if not for Ed’s steadying hands.
‘Careful! Careful!’ Sally warns from across the room. ‘Don’t spill it!’
‘Shut up, Sal,’ says Ed.
A little stream of ash trickles down the funnel into the brinjal pickle jar. I’ve got my tongue between my teeth, judging the fill. The box is heavier than I thought it would be. Still, the jar is almost full. Then Ed’s pocket rings loudly.
‘Oops, phone.’ He lets go, automatically fumbling to find the phone. My hands jerk, knocking the now unsteady funnel which overbalances the jar, and …
‘Shitfuckshit!’
‘Ed!’ screeches Sally, launching herself across the kitchen. The half-empty jar rolls towards the edge of the granite worktop and lands on the tiles with a loud crash. Sally lurches against me, the box goes flying and when it hits the floor the smash reverberates. A cloud of soft white powder rises into the air.
I sneeze.
‘Ooops’ says Ed.
‘Oh, God! Oh, God!’ Sally’s hands are over her mouth and nose. ‘Don’t breathe. Don’t breathe.’
I stand there, rooted to the spot, and ash falls gently onto my skin.
Siena, Summer 1985
‘Shall we have a drink?’
They have found the Piazza del Campo after a long, hot hour of taking wrong turnings. Her feet hurt and she wishes she had worn her comfy flip-flops instead of the fashionable leather sandals, however touristy they would have looked.
He raises his eyebrows. ‘A drink? Already? I suppose we don’t have to have a drink drink. We could have coffee. Pardonnez moi, café au lait. That café over there looks nice. Perhaps we should go inside. The Rough Guide says real Italians take their coffee inside and mostly stand up at the bar too.’
‘If you have to stand up and drink at the same time you’ll spill it. That one does look nice though. I like its yellow umbrellas. Can we sit outside, even if it isn’t authentic? I want to look at the people. And really, café au lait? We are in Italy, remember.’
‘Ah, yes — Italian — how does that go again? I did look on the plane. Uno, due, tres. Signor. Buon giorno. What’s good afternoon?’
‘I can’t remember, but I’m pretty sure that due vino rosso per favore will get us a couple of glasses of red wine. And I really do need to sit down.’
‘Excellent, you’ve got the lingo, after you.’
She hesitates in front of a jewellery shop window at the edge of the square, pushing him towards the café.
‘I’ll just have a look in this shop. You can order. See you in a sec.’
‘Ha, that old trick. “You first.” You’re just chicken. Or pollo, if you prefer.’
‘Quack, quack. No, that’s a duck. What do Italian chickens say?’
‘I surrender …’ He raises his hands.
‘Ooh, cultural joke, clever. Surrender accepted, off you go. Think of it as taking your place in the pantheon of romantic male heroes, forging ahead, easing the way for your lover. Besides, look, a waitress, you can charm her.’
‘Oh, God, come on then.’ He grabs her hand, marches her towards the café and they sit down at the nearest free table. The white-aproned waitress comes over immediately and he gives her a big smile. ‘Bonjour, I mean, buon giorno. Due vino rosso, per favore. Thanks.’
‘My hero.’ She leans over and plants a kiss on his cheek. ‘What’s on the itinerary for the rest of the day then, Heathcliff?’
‘Well, when we see what this is going to cost us, I’ll be spending the rest of the day working out how much we have left in the kitty. Remember, we agreed on twenty quid a day for lunch expenses and we overspent yesterday; and on dinner — but that veal was worth it. We need a quiet day to get back on track, or else I’ll have to recalibrate the rest of the week. What does the Rough Guide say?’
‘I don’t know, you look. Maybe we should just go back to the room … take a bottle with us and, well, you know …’ She wiggles her eyebrows at him.
‘Blimey, give a guy a break. Unlike you I need time to reload.’ Despite his words, he is seriously considering her suggestion. Then he notices the guidebook she has taken out of her bag and remembers their original plans. ‘Besides, things to do, places to see.’
‘Good grief, it’s like On The Town. You know, Frank Sinatra wants to see all the sights and what’s-her-face wants to get him up to her place.’ She sings with gusto. ‘My place, come up to my place.’ People at the tables nearby look over.
‘Harmonies, darling. Now, guidebook — let’s see. I circled all the good stuff. Took out all the churches and boring religious stuff obviously. Right, Siena, what have we got? Palio, Tower, Square, umm, that’s it. So, drink, then campanile and back for a snooze.’
‘I think you pronounce it “campaneelay” actually.’
‘Are you sure? Good lord, what is it about Italians, they seem to pronounce all their letters?’
‘It’s Latin, idiot. So much for your vaunted education. What did they teach you for all your dad’s money? Certainly not how to recognise great art or good literature. At least they beat good manners into you. You’re the only man I know who holds the door open and you always send a thank-you card to your mum. It’s rather sweet, I think.’
‘Ah, well — to the manner born you know, to the manner born. Anyway, you know I’m not posh, just a Surrey boy. And I can’t see what harm manners can do. Now, let’s get to the serious stuff. How many famous Italians can you name? . You’d better get your brain working because you can’t afford to lose this one — you’re two down. Don Corleone.’
‘He’s American! If we’re in Italy we should do real Italians.’
‘I’m joking. Anyway, you start.’
‘OK then, Romulus and Remus.’
‘Weren’t they wolves? Let’s see, Paolo Rossi.’
‘Who? Sandro Botticelli.’
‘Oh, yes, I like his films. Sophia Loren. Scorchio.’
She rolls her eyes at his cartoon Italian accent. ‘Oh my God. How about Modigliani, have you heard of him?’
‘Of course, midfielder, 1970 World Cup. Robert De Niro and Al Pacino.’
‘Oh my God, Trip! You are such a cheat. We said real ones, have you no idea at all? I’m going to thrash you easily. For example, I bet you haven’t even heard of Leonardo da Vinci, have you?’
‘Of course I have. Invented the helicopter, the original polymath. Algebra, geometry, calculus, all that other stuff — oooh, got one. Michael Angelo.’
‘What?’ She throws her hands into the air, nearly knocking over her wineglass. ‘It’s Michelangelo! Not Michael Angelo. Michel. Rhymes with pickle.’
‘Michel Angelo? Don’t be silly, that’s not a name. Michael’s a name. Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. And Michael. Sorry — confusing myself there, thought he was a book of the New Testament for a second. Ah, I know. St Michaels. Marks and bloody Spencers. You know, Mike. Michael Angelo.’ He sits back, pleased to have made a winning argument.
‘I give up. You’re such a philistine. What’s the point? Do you know any Italian people who aren’t footballers? Artists or sculptors or, though I really don’t know why I bother to ask, any poets? Just one?’
‘Poets. Um. Ooh yes, wossname. You know, the circle of hells bloke, what’s his name?’
‘Dante. Thank God! All is not lost.’
‘What about Ezra Pound? He sounds Italian.’
‘In a minute you’ll be telling me that TS Eliot came from Rome. This wine is good. Shall we have another? Before the campanile?’
‘Ha, yes — encore du vin. TS Eliot, as well you know, came from Bloomsbury.’
‘You know, I find that strangely erotic. The fact you know TS Eliot lived in Bloomsbury, I mean, not the wine. Which is good.’
He stares at her for a few moments, then slowly reaches over to touch her hand. ‘I’ll tell you something else about TS Eliot. He’s an anagram of toilets.’
Siena, February 2010
I made it to the top of the campanile this time. I might have had to swallow hard and hold on to the handrail with both hands all the way up, but I made it. It seemed a fitting place to read your next letter. I know you meant me to find ‘our’ bar — all those instructions and directions — but I walked round the square three times and couldn’t find it. I’m pretty sure it’s gone, Trip.
There’s a restaurant on the corner that could be the place, but maybe not, I’ve got such a terrible memory. If I wasn’t going to be able to sit in the same place, at the same table, I thought maybe the tower would be more special. And I so wanted to prove to myself that I’ve learned a little courage in my life.
I’m not sure it was courage that got me up those eleventy hundred steps, more like pride. I kept remembering how pathetic I was when we came here together and how I got up here, but you had to talk me down. You made me close my eyes and led me down by the hand one slow step at a time. You didn’t even laugh at me, though looking back now, I was laughably pathetic. Fancy not being able to walk down a spiral staircase.
Shit, I don’t even want to think about that …
You know, I brought the marinated olives jar with me. It seemed appropriate to the location. Do you remember going to the market, our first Italian market? We were truly amazed wandering through the stalls, seeing stalls just selling olives. Wide, flat trays of fleshy green olives and tiny black pungent ones. Herbed mixes and chilli-flecked versions. More varieties than I could ever have imagined even though I was working in Pasta Pasta then with its red-and-white tablecloths and empty Chianti bottles sprouting candles. I thought I knew what authentic Italian food was. How wrong I was.
In the spirit of adventure, we bought several different kinds for lunch with bread, cheese and slices of mortadella. I ate them. The first taste had you pulling a face like a kid eating brussels sprouts. But I made you persevere.
‘You just don’t like them yet,’ I kept telling you. ‘It takes at least ten tries of a new food until your palate gets used to it.’
‘Where do you get these pretend facts?’ you moaned. But you ate the olives anyway and got to like them, eventually.
I can’t seem to get beyond all these memories. I can’t think of what comes next. People keep asking and I can’t answer. It’s too dangerous, the subject of what comes next, I just can’t go there.
How can I think about the future when I can’t believe what happened in the past? My life isn’t real, not any more. It feels like a story, someone else’s story. And yet, it must be real because you’ve gone. I thought I’d lost you.
I couldn’t feel you anywhere, not even in our bed. If anywhere, you would surely be there. Sprawled on your tummy spreading onto my side, making the teddy-bear snuffle — that sub-snore that meant you were fast asleep. I’ve tried to touch you, kept trying to convince myself you’re still here by curling up in the dip on your side of the mattress and pressing my face into your pillow, but you weren’t there. But now I can hear you. It’s as though you’re back. And I’m not sure that’s not worse.
I want to read your letter, want to badly. To suck it down. Want to read about me. About how important I am to you. Was to you. God, that sounds terrible. But I’m desperate to hear from you, how vital I was, how I affected you, how central I’ve been to your life. And I guess there’s some fear too. Are there things I don’t know, dreadful secrets?