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Alex said, “You’d better believe it! When I was eleven I used to spend hours interviewing myself … Alexandra Ellman, prima ballerina …”
“Oh, me, too!” agreed Roz. “I once interviewed myself as Roz Costello, Baby Ballerina … the youngest person ever to dance Princess Aurora … How pathetic was that!”
“I don’t think it’s pathetic,” said Tiffany. “Perfectly natural, if you ask me.”
“Exactly,” said Amber. “What’s the point of becoming a dancer if you don’t believe you’ll reach the top?”
Caitlyn hung her head. “I just never thought about it. All I wanted to do was dance.”
“Didn’t you ever have dreams when you were little?” said Mei. “When the curtain comes down and you’re standing there, in the spotlight, and everyone’s cheering and throwing flowers and someone gives you this enormous bouquet?”
“Not really.”
“So what did you dream about?” said Amber.
“Mostly I just dreamt about being able to have ballet lessons … being able to buy a pair of ballet shoes and …” Caitlyn’s voice trailed away, uncertainly.
I waited for either Amber or Tiffany to make one of their smart remarks. Tiffany half opened her mouth, then obviously thought better of it and snapped it shut again. Amber didn’t even make the attempt. It was Roz who said, “That makes me feel really tawdry.”
So then I said, “What does tawdry mean?” And Roz said she didn’t really know, but it sounded right, and Alex said it meant sort of cheap, and we all agreed that maybe we shouldn’t be worrying so much about becoming famous as about becoming the best dancers we possibly could.
Tiffany said, “Oh, how noble!” But it wasn’t specially convincing.
At the end of the day we walked back to Waterloo together, the usual bunch of us – me, Caitlyn, Roz and Alex. Mei was with us for part of the way. As her family were in Hong Kong, she was staying in the hostel, just up the road, which the school kept for students who needed accommodation. Some were foreign, others simply lived too far away. Sometimes people’s parents rented houses so that their mums – it was usually their mums – could move to London to be with them. Quite often they let out rooms to other students. Amber, for instance, was living with Tiffany and her mum. I certainly wouldn’t have wanted that, thank you very much – not with Tiffany! But I did think it might perhaps be fun to stay in the hostel rather than going back home every day. I suggested this to Caitlyn, as we left the others and peeled off towards the Underground, but she reacted with horror.
“What about my mum? She’d be all on her own!”
I said, “Yes, of course. I’d forgotten about your mum.” Doing my best to sound sympathetic. I know that I am not always as understanding as I should be, though I do try to consider other people’s feelings. I could see that it was difficult for Caitlyn. My mum is quite high-powered, totally preoccupied with her teaching. Plus she has Dad (when he is not flying about the world putting on his ballets) and also me. Not to mention Sean and Jen, who both live quite near and are for ever dropping by. Caitlyn’s mum only has Caitlyn, and is, I think, a rather shy and lonely sort of person.
“What will you do,” I said, “when we have to go on tour?”
“You mean, if I get into the Company.”
“Yes.”
Caitlyn crinkled her nose. “I daren’t look that far ahead! It’s like tempting fate … Suppose I get thrown out?”
“Don’t be silly,” I said. “Of course you won’t get thrown out! Don’t even think about it.”
“How can you help it?” wailed Caitlyn. “Everybody thinks about it!”
She didn’t add, everybody except you, though she could have done cos it was quite true: I didn’t think about it. Maybe I might nearer the time, but for goodness’ sake we’d only just come to the end of our very first day!
“Someone told me,” said Caitlyn, “that by the time we reach the end of our training there’ll be only half of us left. And did you know –” she turned, big-eyed, to look at me – “did you know that six people were thrown out last term? Mei was telling me. Six people!”
“Pity it didn’t include Tiffany,” I said. “Can’t think anyone would miss her.”
There was a pause. I could see Caitlyn struggling to think of something to say in Tiffany’s defence. She is someone who always tries to see the best in people. I tend to just jump in and say whatever I feel.
“Don’t tell me you like her?”
“She’s a good dancer,” said Caitlyn.
Grudgingly I said, “I suppose.” From what little we’d seen. “I wish you hadn’t told her about Mum giving you a scholarship, though.”
“Why?” Caitlyn seemed startled. “Didn’t you want me to?”
I said, “I don’t mind. Not like it’s a secret. But now she’s going to go round telling everyone you only got in cos of knowing the right people.”
“Oh.” She bit her lip. “Maybe I did.”
“That’s absolute rubbish,” I said, crossly. “Mum would never have given you a scholarship if she didn’t think you deserved it. As a matter of fact –” I wasn’t sure that Caitlyn knew this – “it’s the only scholarship Mum’s ever given. Ever! Which just shows that she agreed with Sean. He was the one that said you had a special talent.”
Predictably Caitlyn’s face had turned bright pink, either because I’d mentioned Sean or because I’d told her what he’d said. Most likely a mixture of both.
I sternly informed her, not for the first time, that she really had to have a bit more faith in herself. “Otherwise,” I said, “people like Tiffany will just walk all over you, like she tried to do today. She can try it with me as much as she likes. Doesn’t bother me! You’re too modest. It simply doesn’t get you anywhere, not in this business. You have to be really tough in this business.” (I was quoting Mum, here.) “If you keep putting yourself down all the time, people start thinking you can’t be much good. It helps, of course, if you’re naturally bumptious, which apparently I am, according to Sean.”
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