Jiglets: A series of sidesplitting gyrations reeled off—

I looked around for about an hour and finally located one talking to Billyon's cook.

"Say," says I, "you're wanted around the corner. A man has nearly killed his wife."

"How big is the man?" says he.

"Oh, he's bigger than you."

"Well," says he, "I'm sorry, old man, but it's off my beat."

I went to the race track the other day and met a bookmaker I know.

"Hello," says he. "What brings you here? Do you know anything?"

"No," says I, "if I did, I wouldn't be here."

I finally placed a small bet on a couple of horses, and when the first race was run off, anxiously watched the ponies.

They soon got so far away that I couldn't keep track of them, and noticing a fellow with a pair of field glasses next to me, who seemed to be seeing everything going on, I says:

"How does Sunflower stand?"

Sunflower was the horse I bet on, you know.

"I don't know," says he, "I'm only watching the first ten horses."

Just to liven things up a bit, I'll sing you a song entitled "Music On The Installment Plan; or, How Would You Like To Be The Piano Man?"

"I love thee, ah, yes, I love thee,"She sang in notes of joy;And like a darned big foolHe married the maiden coy.But now she never shrieks the songShe howled in days of yore;She never thumps the keyboard nowUntil her thumbs are sore.Alas! upon her latest grand,She never more will play;She failed with the installments,And they've taken it away.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry when I sing that song, but I guess I'll laugh.

Crying doesn't suit my complexion; then, too, I've enough to be sad about already.

I live in the suburbs.

You see if a man lives in the city, his wife always wants to go to some show or other, and that costs money.

We have a fine lot of neighbors out our way, I can tell you. They're so friendly.

The other day the woman next door stepped in, as I was coming to New York, and wanted to know if I wouldn't stop at Cooper & Siegel's and get her goods for a dress. I promised I would.

When I got there, I found an old maid ahead of me.

The shop-girl had evidently taken down almost every roll of cloth in the place, but as each new one was unfolded, the old maid would say:

"No, no, I don't think that would do."

All the rolls had been exhibited except one, when the old maid says:

"Never mind taking that down, I won't buy any cloth to-day. I was only looking for a friend."

"But, madam," says the girl, "if you think there's any possibility of her being in this roll, I'll open it up."

Just as I was about to say that I wanted some kind of cloth that would suit a red-headed woman, a little dapper chap butted in and says to the girl:

"Ah, darling Louisa, I have thought of you all week. How I love you dear. Will you give me your heart?"

I was just drawing back my foot to give him a number eight where it would wake him up, when the girl says:

"Certainly, dearest Harold. Cash! Cash!! Cash!!! Where will you have it sent?"

I was just about to say what I wanted, when another tall, lanky, moth-eaten-looking fellow stepped in and engaged the girl's attention for half an hour.

Finally he turned and went out without buying anything.

The floorwalker stepped up to the girl and says:

"You let that man go out without buying anything."

"Yes, sir."

"He was at your counter for a half hour."

"I know it," says the girl.

"In spite of all the questions he asked, you rarely answered him."

"I know it," says the girl, "but then, you see, I didn't have what he wanted."

"And what's that?" asked the floorwalker.

"Five dollars. He wanted me to subscribe to a life of Mark Hanna, compiled by a workingman."

I finally got what I wanted and left the store.

It was a very pleasant day and I thought I'd take a short walk.

I came to a large building in the course of construction. Just outside was a crowd of workingmen who had some argument.

I crossed over to see what was the matter and found two men pummeling each other unmercifully.

Finally the one who was getting the worst of it cried out:

"Say, I thought this was to be a fair, stand-up fight?"

"That's right," said a number of his companions.

"Well, how the devil can it be a fair, stand-up fight if he keeps knocking me down all the time?"

All at once a cop put in an appearance and arrested the principals, and some of the bystanders as witnesses.

I thought I would see the thing out, so I went to court where one of the men entered the charge of assault against the other.

The whole crowd wanted to explain, but they only succeeded in getting the judge sadly mixed up.

He told them to be quiet and addressed himself to one of the witnesses.

"Now, look here," he says. "As the court understands it, the defendant here began the quarrel, because the plaintiff hurled a vile epithet at him. Was that the way of it?"

"No, your honor," says the man. "Nobody chucked an epithet. Mike called John a bad name and John heaved a brick at him. Nobody hurled nothing else."

After leaving court one of my teeth pained me dreadfully, so I went to the dentist to have it attended to.

He advised me to take gas.

"All right," says I. "What is the effect of gas?"

"Why," says he, "it simply makes you totally insensible. You don't know anything that's taking place."

"Go ahead," says I, and I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out all the money I had.

The dentist, thinking that I was about to pay him, says:

"Oh, don't bother about that now. You have plenty of time."

"That's all right," says I. "I just wanted to see how much money I had before the gas took effect."

I took a walk up Broadway the other night and ran into my old friend Jenkins.

After numerous liquid greetings, I asked him how Mrs. Jenkins was.

"Well," says he, "she isn't well at all. You see, she had an awful experience last night.

"I was out and she was all alone in the house. Suddenly she heard muffled footsteps on the porch. They came nearer and finally sounded in the dining-room.

"Bravely she faced the midnight marauder, who pointed a pistol at her head.

"'Tell me where the money is hid,' he hissed, 'or I'll fire.'

"'Never,' she answered determinedly. 'Villain, do your worst.'

"'I will,' snarled the scoundrel, baffled but not beaten. 'Tell me instantly where that money is hid, or I'll drop this big woolly caterpillar down your neck.'

"Two minutes later that darned burglar crept out of the house with my hard-earned money. I tell you, Jones, he was a genius."

I left Jenkins.

I had walked only a block when I met old Bilgewater, an English sea captain.

He was delighted to see me and insisted that I take luncheon with him.

We went to a nearby restaurant and sat down at a table near the door.

I noticed as old Bilgewater sat down, he did it very stiffly. He didn't act as though he was at all comfortable.

Pretty soon he reached into his hip pocket and brought out a large telescope.

"That's a pretty hefty thing to sit on, ain't it?" says he, by way of introduction.

I said it was.

"Well, I never let that 'scope out of my sight," says he.

"Why?" says I. "Valuable?"

"Yes," says he, "werry. It were given me by my old friend Nelson, in return for services rendered in licking the French."

"Why, man," says I, astounded at the barefaced lie, "Nelson has been dead for over a hundred years!"

"Well, well," says he, "so he has. How time does fly."

I think it's almost time I warbled something. How's this?

She was a maid of high degree,To her came wooing, suitors three,The first was rich, as rich could be,The second nobly born was he.But nothing in the world had three,In fact he was a nobody;And this fair maid of high degreeCould not decide between the three.So to their every sigh and plea,She only answered, "Wait and see."Until the rich one, off went he,To wed in the nobility!The poor young lord then met, you see,A girl with hundred thousands three!And this fair maid of high degree,Was left with one instead of three.So lonely and deserted, sheWas bound to smile on number three."He's nobody, of course," said she,"I'll take and make him somebody."So they were married, he and she,And wisely, too, it seems to me.'Twas Hobson's choice, as you can see,'Twas either he, or nobody.

Now, considering that I've got to do some hundred-yard dashes up and down a twenty-foot flat with my youngest son, I think I'll say good-night.

May your slumbers be more peaceful than mine.

The End