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Paxton glanced down at his boots. “Lisa thinks I live in the house. I haven’t told her I live in the bunkhouse when I’m home.”
“Have you told this girl anything about yourself?”
“Come on, Quincy. You know how it is. I met her at a party after a rodeo in Los Angeles. She’s an actress and I was blown off my feet by her beauty and I couldn’t wait to talk to her. When I did, it was bam—” he slammed one fist into the other “—love as if I’ve never felt it before. I wanted to spend every second with her. After two days, I asked her to marry me.”
“Where do you plan to live?”
“Man, I don’t know. I haven’t thought it through.”
“You better start thinking. She doesn’t seem like a girl who would enjoy following the rodeo circuit and sleeping in the back of a truck.”
“Mom would probably let us live here in the house. Lisa seems to like the house.”
“After what you pulled, you’ll be lucky if she still lets you live in the bunkhouse.”
“I know. I lost it for a minute. I’m just nervous about everything. I’ve never been this nervous in my life.”
Quincy felt a pang of sympathy for his brother. He’d gotten himself into a mess. “First, you need to tell Lisa about your living arrangements and talk about how she’s going to fit in with you riding the rodeo circuit. There’s very little work in Horseshoe for an actress. Second, you need to apologize to Mom profusely. And third, you need to apologize to Jenny.”
Paxton nodded as he followed him into the kitchen and apologized to his mother. He then asked if he could sleep in the house while Lisa was here and his mother said it was okay. He would have to sleep in the bedroom downstairs next to hers. Paxton frowned, but he didn’t say anything.
Quincy went to wake Grandpa, deciding it was time to let Paxton handle his own life. He had enough worries of his own. He’d hurt Jenny and that would weigh on his mind for a while. And his heart.
* * *
JENNY SAT ON the back stoop with a wine bottle in her hand. She tipped it up, taking a swig. She’d made a fool of herself tonight, and it was going to take a lot of wine to erase the memory of her standing in the Rebel den pouring out her heart to a man who really didn’t care.
Daisy, the family dog, hopped up on the step and sat beside her.
“Hey, Daisy, I made a fool of myself tonight. You know that feeling like when you chase that gopher into a hole and you start digging to reach her, but that gopher is long gone? I kept digging, Daisy, hoping to find just a little bit of emotion on Paxton’s face for me. There was none. And beside him stood this goddess with the most beautiful blond hair I’ve ever seen in my life. Can you believe that? He replaced me with a goddess.”
Daisy whined as if she understood every word. Jenny took another swig from the bottle. “You know, Daisy, looking back, I’ve come to the conclusion that I should have fool tattooed on my forehead. I clung to a fantasy in my head about Paxton. He was my soul mate, my dream come true because we met in school and became the best of friends. He was there when my mom died and I was there for him when his dad passed away. We needed each other. But he was on the rodeo circuit so much and around buckle bunnies and beautiful women. A lot of temptation. I truly believed, though, that he loved me. Now, how stupid is that? You tell me, Daisy.”
She drank more wine, and the beautiful blackness of the night around her felt as comforting as a warm blanket. Here, no one was gaping at her or thinking she’d lost her mind. Here, she was safe at home.
“And then there’s Quincy. Good ol’ Quincy. He’s loyal to a fault. I thought he was my friend and would stand beside me. We’ve shared as much as Paxton and I have and he let me down. Bad.” She drank the last of the wine and stared off into the night.
She was going to miss Quincy probably more than Paxton. She’d been waiting all her life for Paxton to come back and she’d just realized he was never coming home to her. Big moment. Big letdown. Big realization. She was comfortable with Paxton and she’d always known he was going to disappoint her, though with Quincy it was a shock, and that was why she was sitting here drinking wine as if it was Kool-Aid. It hurt that her friend Quincy had discarded her, too. Oh, well.
“Let’s go find more wine,” she whispered to the dog. She stood and swayed. “Maybe not.” Gingerly, she made her way inside, humming under her breath. Tomorrow started the rest of her life.
* * *
QUINCY AND ELIAS helped Grandpa up the steps and into the house. “I can walk by myself,” Grandpa complained.
“Fine,” Quincy said and let go. Grandpa staggered and caught the wall.
“Ready to let me help you?”
“You’re a pain in my ass, but you’re my favorite grandson.”
“Hey,” Elias said. “I’m standing right here.”
Grandpa patted Elias on the shoulder. “You’re my favorite grandson.” Grandpa had said that to all of them at one time or another. “Let’s go to Rowdy’s and get a beer.”
“It’s after midnight and everyone is going to bed, including you, Grandpa.”
“Spoilsport.”
It took him ten minutes to get Grandpa in bed. He called Elias for help to remove his baggy jeans and boots. They covered him up and walked out of the room with long sighs. It was a good thing they loved the old man or they just might choke him to death. He was that ornery.
“Did I tell you boys about the time I was in love with two women at the same time?”
Quincy and Elias stopped in their tracks. Neither wanted to listen to Grandpa’s stories this late, especially when he was drunk.
“Yeah, now go to sleep,” Quincy said.
They waited and soon heard snoring. They high-fived. Elias went into the kitchen and got a beer and Cheez-It crackers.
“You’ve got to be kidding.”
“What?” Elias went into the living room, picked up the remote control from Grandpa’s chair, sat on the sofa and flipped on the TV. “After having to remove Grandpa’s pants, I need liquor, preferably something stronger. Sadly, this is all I have.”
Elias could hold his liquor better than anyone Quincy had ever met. Soon he would crash and they wouldn’t be able to wake him for several hours. Quincy shook his head and went outside to sit on the porch to de-stress from the night. Mutt was asleep in his bed and didn’t move.
Quincy didn’t even want to think about Paxton and Lisa. That was out of his hands and he wasn’t interfering. In the morning, Quincy knew Falcon would take a strip off Paxton and Phoenix. Their behavior tonight wasn’t tolerated in the family. And Quincy would somehow try to smooth the waters between the brothers, like always.
Running his hands up his face, his thoughts of his brothers faded and they turned to Jenny. She was the bright spot in his life. He knew the days she worked and the days she was off. When she was off, he always headed home early to be with her.
She would bring beer and peanuts. They’d sit on bales of hay and watch the paints and talk. He’d shared more with Jenny than with anyone in his life. His tour in Afghanistan he shared with no one, except Jenny. After his dad had died, Quincy had joined the Army, much to his mother’s distress. He’d had to get away. The ranch wasn’t the same without his father. He hadn’t been able to stay away, though, and after his tour he’d come home. There was no way to explain what he’d been through or what he’d seen. Jenny had just listened and that was all he needed.
Jenny’s mom had died suddenly when Jenny was in high school and she’d shared her deepest feelings and sadness about that time. She’d also talked about Paxton and her fear he was never going to settle down. Quincy had never offered advice about his brother, feeling it wasn’t his place. But they seemed to be able to talk about anything.
During the springtime, she was a lot of help when the mares gave birth. Since she was a nurse, she wasn’t squeamish and they’d sat many a night in the barn when a mare was having a difficult time.
His life would now change, and he would be lonely again, just like when he’d returned from Afghanistan. Jenny had filled that empty place in him and it was over.
So many times he’d wanted to tell her how he felt, but he hadn’t. Paxton was his brother and he would honor that, even when it hurt, like tonight. Jenny was free now and he was sure other guys would be knocking on her door. But he wouldn’t be one of them.
Looking up at a million brilliant stars, he whispered, “Goodbye, Jenny Rose.”
Chapter Four
Quincy woke up at seven. He was usually up earlier, but after the long day yesterday, this morning he was dragging. He headed for the kitchen to put coffee on and then he showered and changed clothes for the day. Sipping his coffee, he walked into the living room and noticed Elias was still on the sofa sound asleep, a box of Cheez-It crackers in the crook of his arm, an empty beer bottle on the coffee table.
Grandpa stomped into the kitchen in his boots, boxer shorts and a hat, no shirt, no jeans.
“Did you forget something?” Quincy asked.
“I want coffee. I have a headache.”
Quincy went back into the kitchen and poured a cup for his grandpa and set it on the table. “You got drunk last night.”
Grandpa’s shaggy eyebrows knotted together beneath the rim of his hat. “I don’t remember drinking anything but punch.” He sat at the table and cradled the cup with both hands and Quincy noticed they shook a little. That bothered him. Grandpa was getting older. Quincy knew that, but at times it was hard to see and to admit when he wanted his grandpa to be the same strong figure he’d always been.
“Phoenix spiked the punch.”
“What? Wait till I get my hands on him.”
“You’ll have to get in line. Falcon, Jude and Mom are on him at the moment because Eden and Zane got drunk, too.”
“Is that boy ever gonna grow up?”
“We can only hope.”
Grandpa got to his feet and stomped toward the living room with the cup in his hands. “I’m gonna sit in my chair and vegetate today. Did you feed Mutt?”
“No, but I will.”
Grandpa eased into his chair and stared at Elias. “What happened to him?”
Quincy shrugged. “Elias being Elias.”
Grandpa nodded, finished his coffee and leaned back in his chair. In a few minutes, he was sound asleep again.
Quincy let Mutt into the house and fed him, putting a pill in with his food to help ease some of his arthritic pain. He left Grandpa and Elias sleeping and went to the big house to help his mom.
He found Phoenix and their mom in the kitchen. Phoenix had on rubber kitchen gloves up to his elbows.
“What are you doing?” Quincy asked.
“Cleaning the bathrooms.” Phoenix scowled.
“Someone vomited on the deck. You can clean that up next,” their mother told him. “And as soon as Zane gets up you can clean his bathroom.”
“Mom,” Phoenix wailed like a little boy.
Kate turned from the sink. “Did you say something?”
“No, ma’am.”
The back door opened and Phoenix immediately ran for the living room. “If that’s Falcon, you haven’t seen me.”
Falcon walked in a few seconds later. “Where’s Phoenix?”
“Why do you ask?” their mother wanted to know.
“Eden was sick again when we got home and Leah was really upset. How can he be so irresponsible?”
“I will take care of Phoenix, son.” His mother had that tone in her voice they all knew well. The voice that said she was protecting her sons with everything in her, even from each other.
Falcon took a deep breath, his broad chest expanding. “I’m sorry I hit Paxton last night. Leah is upset about that, too. I shouldn’t have used violence. That’s not an example I want my kids to see.”
“Thank you, son. I had a long talk with Paxton last night and he apologized and I forgave him. I’ll work this out with Paxton and Phoenix. That’s all that needs to be said.”
They all knew their mother held the power, and though they respected that, there were times it was confining. Quincy was just glad everyone was thinking clearly this morning.
“I have to get back to the house,” Falcon said. “Leah was up with Eden last night and I’m on baby duty this morning. You have to come over and see John, Mom. He’s becoming more alert every day and he’s very attached to his mother. His eyes follow her wherever she goes.”
“Don’t you worry, I’ll be over later to play with my grandson.”
Falcon walked out, but Quincy knew his acquiescence wasn’t that easy. Phoenix still wasn’t off the hook. His older brother would have his say one way or the other.
“Where’s Paxton?” Quincy asked.
His mom stacked dishes into the dishwasher. “We had a long talk this morning and he went over to apologize to Jenny.”
Quincy handed his mom coffee cups from the table, his heart beating a little faster at the mention of Jenny. He hated that, but he couldn’t control it.
Egan and Rachel came in and they continued to clean up. Rachel went upstairs to check on Zane. Since she was a teacher and going to the school anyway, she picked up Zane every morning. She’d grown attached to the boy.
Phoenix came in, rubbing his shoulder. “Rachel hit me.”
Egan laughed. “Rachel’s the least of your worries. Wait till Falcon and Jude get hold of you.”
“I’ve already spoken to Falcon and made it clear that there is to be no more hitting.” Their mother made her opinion clear. “I will take care of Phoenix and Paxton.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Egan lifted an eyebrow at Quincy and he just nodded. She wanted the matter dropped, and her sons would do just that in her presence. But later was anybody’s guess.
As Quincy continued to work, he wondered how things were going with Jenny and Paxton. She’d been extremely upset last night and he hoped they could forgive and part as friends. Why he hoped that, he had no idea. He just didn’t want Jenny to be hurt any more than she was.
* * *
JENNY WOKE UP to pounding, and it was in her head. Loud and painful. Crap. She rolled over and pushed hair out of her eyes. What had she done? Getting drunk solved nothing.
Crawling out of bed, she grabbed her head to stop the pain. It didn’t work. Staggering out the door, she met Lindsay in the hallway. She’d been called in to the hospital with a nursing problem last night.
“You’re home,” Jenny muttered.
Lindsay’s mouth fell open.
“What? I know I look like hell. Right?”
“Go into the bathroom and look in the mirror.”
“I don’t need to see myself.”
“Yes, you do.” Lindsay pushed her into the bathroom and Jenny stared at the wild-looking woman in the mirror. Her hair looked like a rat’s nest.
“What did you do last night?”
“Uh...” The embarrassing confrontation at the party came rushing back, as did the pounding.
“Not to throw you into a tizzy or anything, but Paxton’s waiting to talk to you in the kitchen.”
She swung around. “Tell him I don’t want to see him.”
Lindsay eyed her sister, and Jenny hated it when she did that. “Don’t you think it would be best to end this the right way?”
“And how would that be?”
“By being an adult and listening to what he has to say. Obviously, he wants to apologize.”
“You know what he can do with that apology.”
“Jenny...”
“Oh, okay.” She walked out the door.
Lindsay followed her. “Don’t you think you should comb your hair and change?”
“For what? I’m not dressing up for Paxton. I’m not doing anything for Paxton.”
“Jenny, you’re in shorts and a tank top.”
Marching to the kitchen, she shut out Lindsay’s nagging voice and went straight to the coffeepot. Her dad sat in his chair drinking coffee and eating breakfast. With his hat in his hand, Paxton stood there, looking nervous.
Her dad pushed away from the table and reached for his cane. “I’ll give you kids some time alone, but I’ll be right outside.” Giving Paxton a long look, he limped out the back door.
Jenny poured a cup of coffee, wishing her head would stop pounding. She took a deep breath and turned to face Paxton. The handsome face she’d loved for so many years now had worry lines stretched across it and the stress showed in his brown eyes.
Of the brothers, Paxton and Phoenix were the only ones under six feet. Phoenix was slim while Paxton was all muscle and that did well for him as a bull rider. He was as tough as any bull he’d ever ridden, with grit and determination unequaled by any cowboy. That was one of the things she had loved about him.
She sat at the table and sipped her coffee. “Why are you here, Paxton?”
He gripped the hat in his hand. “I came over here to apologize for my behavior. My mom said I took the coward’s way out and she was right. I should’ve called you.”
“You needed your mother to tell you that?”
“Come on, Jenny.” He motioned toward the chair. “May I sit down?”
“If you must.” She took a gulp of coffee, hoping it would boost her wide-awake, recharge her batteries and possibly make her a beautiful blonde.
“I’m going to be completely honest.”
“Now, that would be refreshing.”
“I’ve never lied to you, Jenny, even when you asked me about other girls, I told you the truth. The last time we broke up, I told you it was for good. We couldn’t keep doing what we were doing. It wasn’t working for either one of us.”
She remembered how much that had hurt. But then, all their breakups had been hard. She’d just never thought...
“Can you remember the last time we had sex?”
Her eyes jerked to his. “What?”
“I can’t. Can you?”
She just stared at him and resisted the urge to smack him. How dare he ask her that?
“When we were in high school, we needed each other. I was there when your mom died and you listened while I talked about my dad. We leaned on each other because we needed that support and we trusted each other. That turned into much more, but looking back, our relationship was always about friendship. When I started spending more time on the circuit and away from home, I realized there were a lot of pretty women out there who didn’t want to be tied down. I never wanted to be tied down. I told you that many times, but you never seemed to hear me. You wanted so much more than I could give you.”
She twisted the cup in her hand, looking down into the dark depths and seeing that young girl who’d clung to Paxton because she’d had no one else. Her sister had been dealing with her own pain and so had her father. Paxton had soothed all those broken pieces inside her.
“Whatever we had was good and we both clung to it because it made us feel better. But that’s not what real love is. I know what it is now. And when you’re in love, you want to be tied down.”
There was a butter knife on the table and she picked it up and handed it to him. “Why don’t you just stab me in the heart?”
“Jenny, you’re the best friend I ever had and I hate to lose our friendship. But I have to move on now. Please understand that. I will always remember our teenage years as something special. It made me the man I am today.”
Tossing the knife onto the table, she got up to refill her cup. It was almost full, so she poured it down the drain and watched it disappear. Just like her feelings for Paxton. Or as near as they were ever going to.
She hated that everything he was saying was true. She couldn’t remember the last time they’d had sex. It had been a very long time. She’d just kept clinging to the past and hoping those old feelings would come back, but they hadn’t. He didn’t need her anymore and she wondered why she still needed him.
“I think we clung to the past because it was comfortable for both of us, an easy place to be. But we’re older and we need more, or at least I do.”
She turned from the sink, determined to be the adult she was supposed to be. “I’m really trying to listen with an open heart, but it would be much easier to smack you for the hurt you’ve caused me.”
A smile touched his handsome face. “I’ll miss your humor. You always could make me smile and bring me out of the dumps better than anyone.”
“So you really love this Lisa?”
“Yes. She’s all I ever think about. Phoenix says I’m in lust, but I know differently.”
“Do you? You once said you loved me.”
He stared straight into her eyes. “How long has it been since I said that?”
And then it hit her. He hadn’t said it in years. They hadn’t had sex in years. They hadn’t been anything in years, only in her mind. She’d been clinging to the past just like he’d said. It was comfortable and she didn’t want to venture outside her comfort zone. So where did that leave her? Alone echoed through the hollow places of her heart.
And that was what scared her.
The moment she felt the fear inside her, it was gone, and it was replaced with something stronger—her pride. She wasn’t a weepy clinging sort of woman, and she wasn’t going to let him get away with making her feel like one.
“Do you remember the prom?”
He sighed. “Jenny, I don’t want to relive our high school years.”
“I remember the prom,” she went on as if he hadn’t spoken. “What a night.” She leaned against the cabinet, holding on to her cup as if it would keep her rooted to the floor and her emotions in check. “We had such a good time dancing with each other and with our friends. I was dancing with Brad Coleman and you were dancing with his girlfriend, Tonya. When the music stopped, you and Tonya weren’t there. Where were you, Paxton?”
“Jenny...” His sun-browned skin paled.
“Let me see, oh, yes, you were out in the foyer ramming your tongue down her throat. It was our first big fight, but being the big fool that I am I forgave you.” She touched her forehead. “I really should have fool tattooed there, don’t you think?”
“That was my fault, but you were holding out on sex and Tonya...well... You can be a prude sometimes.”
“Oh, no.” She shook a finger at him. “You don’t get to come over here and make me feel guilty. You’re a liar, a cheater and a jerk. I hope you treat Lisa much better than you ever treated me.”
“Jenny—”
“I just can’t believe I spent all these years with a fantasy in my head, because that’s what it was—just a fantasy.”
“I’m sorry you’re hurt.”
“Oh, I’m not hurt anymore.” She placed her coffee cup on the counter. “I’m moving on, Paxton, and that’s an exhilarating feeling. There has to be a nice guy out there somewhere who appreciates fidelity and undying love.” She headed for the hallway and turned back. “Thank Miss Kate for me for forcing you to come over here and apologize. It has opened my eyes and I feel liberated. Have a good life, but I’m really skeptical that you know the difference between lust and love. That’s Lisa’s problem now. Hallelujah.” She walked down the hall, leaving a stunned Paxton staring after her.
She raised her arms in victory. “Oh, yeah. That felt good,” she murmured under her breath. Falling headfirst onto her mattress, she groaned from the pounding in her head. She hoped she remembered all this vividly when her mind cleared, and that she could easily discard her feelings for Paxton. That would be a test in the days to come. There were a lot of guys out there, and she was going to find the perfect one who would love her just as much as she loved him. Oh, God, was that another fantasy?
Were there even guys like that? The ones who believed in true love and fidelity? Of course, she told herself. It may be like finding the proverbial needle in a haystack, but she wasn’t going to give up. She began to softly sing the song “I Will Survive” under her breath and drifted into sleep.
Chapter Five
Jenny slept most of Sunday in a drug-like stupor. When she was awake, it felt as if tiny people with big hammers were building a roof on her head. But even her aching head couldn’t block the thought that she had wasted a lot of years on Paxton. It wasn’t his fault. It was hers. She’d refused to see what even a blind person could—there was no future there.