A Collection of Essays and Fugitiv Writings

No. XXX

 NEW YORK, 1788.

my amiable frends,

Altho men in general are expozed to the suspicion of your sex, and their opinions are often construed into flattery or stratagem, yet the tenor of the following remarks wil, it iz presumed, bear such marks of sincerity az to giv them a place in your confidence. They are not the precepts of a morose instructor, nor the opinions of a hoary sage who haz lost all relish for the joys of life, and wishes to restrain the innocent plezures of sense. They do not proceed from a peevish old bachelor, whom a phlegmatic constitution, or repeeted disappointments, hav changed into a hater of your sex; but they come from a heart capable of being softened by your charms or your misfortunes; a heart that never harbored a wish but to see and make you happy. They are the sentiments of a yung frend; one who haz lived long enuf, if not to feel his own faults, at leest to discuver thoze of others; and to form a tolerable estimate of your worth in social life.

Our Saviour, when on erth, took a child in hiz arms and said, "of such iz the kingdom of heaven." I never view a circle of little misses without recollecting the divine comparison. A collection of sweet little beings, with voices az melodious az the notes of the nightingale, whoze cheeks even a whisper wil cuver with blushes, and whoze hearts are az pure az the falling snow drop; iz heaven in miniature. Such iz the description of my little female frends in the bloom of childhood. To prezerve that delicacy of mind, which nature furnishes; which constitutes the glory of your sex, and forms the principal gard of your own virtue, iz the bizziness of education. In this article, you hav an opportunity to display the excellence of your character, and to exert your talents most successfully in benefitting society.

A woman without delicacy, iz a woman without reputation; for chastity really exists in the mind; and when this fountain iz pure, the words and actions that flow from it, wil be chaste and delicate. Yung misses therefore should be remooved az far az possible from all company that can taint their minds, or accustom them to indecency of any kind. Their nurses, their companions, their teechers, should be selected from peeple of at leest uncorrupted morals and amiable manners.

But a more advanced stage of life, the time when yung ladies enter into society, iz, with respect to their future reputation, a period extremely critical. Little, my deer friends, do you reflect, how important iz the manner in which you enter into life. Prudery and coquetry are extremes equally to be shunned, becauze both are equally disagreeable to our sex, and fatal to your reputations. It haz been said that coquetts often looze their reputation, while they retain their virtu; and that prudes often prezerve their reputation, after they hav lost their virtu. I would only add this remark, that coquetts are generally, but prudes almost always suspected; and suspicion iz az fatal to a female karacter, az a crime. Iz this unjust? Coquetry and prudery are both affectation; every species of affectation dezerves punishment; and when persons relinquish their own natural karacters for thoze which are borrowed, iz it unjust to suspect their motivs, az a punishment for the offence?

You are taught to suspect the man who flatters you. But your good sense wil very eezily distinguish between expressions of mere civility and declarations of real esteem. In general one rule holds, that the man who iz most lavish in declarations of esteem and admiration, luvs and admires you the leest. A profusion of flattery iz real ground for suspicion. Reel esteem iz evinced by a uniform course of polite respectful behaviour. This iz a proof on which you may depend; it iz a flattery the most grateful to a lady of understanding, because it must proceed from a real respect for her karacter and virtues.

Permit me here to suggest one caution. You are told that unmeening flattery iz an insult to your understandings, and sometimes you are apt to resent it. This should be done with great prudence. Precipitate resentment iz dangerous; it may not be dezerved at the time; it may make you an enemy; it may giv uneeziness to a frend; it may giv your own harts pain; it may injure you by creating a suspicion that it iz all affectation. The common place civilities of dangling beaux may be very trifling and disagreeable, but can rarely amount to an insult, or dezerve more than indifference and neglect. Resentment of such trifles can hardly be a mark of tru dignity of soul.

At this period of life, let the prime excellence of your karacters, delicacy, be discuvered in all your words and actions. Permit me, az one acquainted at leest with the sentiments of my own sex, to assure you, that a man never respects a woman, who does not respect herself. The moment a woman suffers to fall from her tung, any expressions that indicate the leest indelicacy of mind; the moment she ceeses to blush at such expressions from our sex, she ceeses to be respected; becauze az a lady, she iz no longer respectable. Whatever familiarity of conversation may be vindicable or pardonable in ether sex alone, there iz, in mixed companies, a sacred decorum that should not be violated by one rude idea. And however dispozed the ladies may be to overlook small transgressions in our sex, yet unforgiving man cannot eezily forget the offences of yours, especially when thoze offences discuver a want of all that renders you lovely.

If your words are to be so strictly watched, how much more attention iz necessary to render your conduct unexceptionable. You charge our sex, with being the seducers, the betrayers of yours. Admit the charge to be partially tru, yet let us be candid. Az profligate az many of our sex are acknowleged to be, it iz but justice to say, that very few are so abandoned az to attempt deliberately the seduction of an artless and innocent lady, who shows, by her conduct, that she iz conscious of the worth of her reputation, and that she respects her own karacter. I hav rarely found a libertine who had impudence enuf to assail virtue, that had not been expozed by some improprieties of conduct. There iz something so commanding in virtu, that even villans respect her, and dare not approach her temples but in the karacter of her votaries.

But when a woman iz incautious, when she iz reddy to fall into the arms of any man that approaches her, when she suffers double entendres, indecent hints and conversation to flow from her lips in mixed companies, she remooves the barriers of her reputation, she disarms herself, and thousands consider themselves at liberty to commence an attack.

When so much depends on your principles and reputation; when we expect to derive all the happiness of the married life from that source, can it be a crime to wish for some proof of your virtu before the indissoluble connection iz formed? Iz that virtu to be trusted which haz never been tempted? Iz it absurd to say that an attack may be made even with honorable intentions? Admit the absurdity; but such attempts are often made, and may end in your ruin. The man may then be retched in hiz mistake becauze he iz disappointed in hiz opinion and expectations. Be assured, my frends, that even vile man cannot but esteem the woman who respects herself. We look to you, in a world of vice, for that delicacy of mind, that innocence of life, which render you lovely and ourselves happy.

Do you wish for admiration? But admiration iz az transient az the blaze of a meteor. Ladies who hav the most admirers, are often the last to find valuable partners.

Do you wish to be esteemed and luved? It iz eezy to render yourselves esteemable and lovely. It iz only by retaining that softness of manners, that obliging and delicate attention to every karacter, which, whether natural or acquired, are at some period of life, the property of almost every female. Beauty and money, without merit, will sometimes command eligible connections; but such connections do not answer the wishes of our hearts; they do not render us happy. Lerning, or an acquaintance with books, may be a very agreeable or a very disagreeable accomplishment, in proportion to the discretion of the lady who possesses it. Properly employed, it iz highly satisfactory to the lady and her connections; but I beleev obzervation wil confirm my conjecture, that a strong attachment to books in a lady, often deters a man from approaching her with the offer of hiz heart. This iz ascribed to the pride of our sex. That the imputation iz always false, I wil not aver; but I undertake to say, that if pride iz the cauze, it iz supported by the order of nature.

One sex iz formed for the more hardy exercizes of the council, the field and the laborious employments of procuring subsistence. The other, for the superintendance of domestic concerns, and for diffusing bliss thro social life. When a woman quits her own department, she offends her husband, not merely becauze she obtrudes herself upon hiz bizziness, but becauze she departs from that sphere which iz assigned her in the order of society; becauze she neglects her duty, and leeves her own department vacant. The same remark wil apply to the man who visits the kitchen and gets the name of a betty. The same principle which excludes a man from an attention to domestic bizziness, excludes a woman from law, mathematics and astronomy. Eech sex feels a degree of pride in being best qualified for a particular station, and a degree of resentment when the other encroaches upon their privilege. This iz acting conformably to the constitution of society. A woman would not willingly marry a man who iz strongly inclined to pass hiz time in seeing the house and furniture in order, in superintending the cooks, or in working gauze and tiffany; for she would predict, with some certainty, that he would neglect hiz proper bizziness. In the same manner, a man iz cautious of forming a connection with a woman, whoze predilection for the sciences might take her attention from necessary family concerns.

Ladies however are not generally charged with a too strong attachment to books. It iz necessary that they should be wel acquainted with every thing that respects life and manners; with a knowlege of the human hart and the graceful accomplishments. The greatest misfortune iz, that your erly studies are not always wel directed; and you are permitted to devour a thousand volumes of fictitious nonsense, when a smaller number of books, at less trubble and expense, would furnish you with more valuable trezures of knowlege.

To be lovely then you must be content to be wimen; to be mild, social and sentimental; to be acquainted with all that belongs to your department, and leeve the masculine virtues, and the profound researches of study, to the province of the other sex.

That it may be necessary, for political purposes, to consider man az the superior in authority, iz to me probable. I question whether a different maxim would not destroy your own happiness.

A man iz pleezed with the deference hiz wife shows for hiz opinions; he often loves her even for her want of information, when it creates a kind of dependence upon hiz judgement. On the other hand, a woman always despises her husband for hiz inferiority in understanding and knowlege, and blushes at the figure he makes in the company of men who possess superior talents. Do not theze facts justify the order of society, and render some difference in rank between the sexes, necessary to the happiness of both? But this superiority iz comparativ, and in some mezure, mutual. In many things, the woman iz az much superior to her husband, az he iz to her, in any article of information. They depend on eech other, and the assumption of any prerogativ or superiority in domestic life, iz a proof that the union iz not perfect; it iz a strong evidence the parties are not, or wil not be happy.

Ladies are often ridiculed for their loquaciousness. But ridicule iz not the worst punishment of this fault. However witty, sprightly and sentimental your conversation may be, depend on it, az a maxim that holds without exception, that the person who talks incessantly, wil soon ceese to be respected. From congress to private families, the remark iz tru, that a man or woman who talks much, loozes all influence. To your sex, talkativness iz very injurious; for a man wil hardly ever chooze a noizy loquacious woman for hiz companion. A delicate rezerv iz a becuming, a commanding characteristic of an amiable woman; the want of which no brilliant accomplishments wil supply. A want of ability to converse, iz scarcely so much censured, az a want of discretion to know when to speek and when to be silent.

In the choice of husbands, my fair reeders, what shall I say? It haz been said or insinuated, that you prefer men of inferior talents. This iz not tru. You are sensible that a good address and a respectful attention, are the qualities which most generally recommend to the esteem of both sexes. A philosopher, who iz absent and stupid, wil not please az a companion; but of two persons equal in other respects, the man of superior talents iz your choice. If my obzervations hav not deceeved me, you pride yourselves in being connected with men of eminence. I mention this to contradict the opinion maintained in the Lounger, that ladies giv a sort of preference to men of inferior talents. The opinion wants extension and qualification; it extends to both sexes, when tru, but iz never tru, except when men of talents are destitute of social accomplishments.