The First Time Mums’ Club

Chapter 4

‘Okay, so you’ve been here about six hours. We’ve spoken about my work, your work, Dad, my new boyfriend and all the latest soaps we’ve both watched over the last week.’ Zoe was staring at her and Ellie struggled to keep the eye contact. She knew this was coming. She knew she would have to speak to Zoe and tell her what was happening, but she just didn’t want to. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to speak to Zoe; she didn’t want to speak to anyone. She wanted to curl up in a ball and pretend this wasn’t happening.

But it was.

‘Come on, spill. What’s the real reason you are here?’

‘What? I can’t just rock up and spend time with my sister every once in a while?’ Ellie played the hurt-sister card but it was having zero effect on Zoe and she simply stuck with her hard stare and disbelief. ‘Okay, fine,’ Ellie conceded, ‘I need your help.’

‘Okay, and what exactly do you need help with? Money?’

‘No! When have I ever asked you for money?’ She was offended that her sister thought she would drive all this way just to ask her for money. Plus, she made good money now that she was doing higher-profile jobs with her make-up. Although that probably wasn’t set to last now. Not once word got around that she was unreliable and would just stroll off set whenever she felt like it. She made a mental note to make sure she rang Jenni this weekend to try to repair some of the damage to her reputation before it plummeted.

‘Well, what, then?’

She hesitated and tried to think of a way to word it. How could she tell her sister not only that she was pregnant but who the dad was? She was never going to believe her. And then all the questions would start and Ellie wasn’t even sure she knew the answers.

‘Are you in some sort of trouble?’ Zoe looked worried.

‘No, well, not exactly.’ She exhaled, ‘Kind of.’

‘Okay, whatever it is, we can sort it, okay? It will be fine. But you need to tell me what’s happening – I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.’ Ellie felt a twinge of irritation at the way Zoe was speaking, as if she was her mum. Whilst it was nice to have Zoe to turn to, when she spoke like that it only reminded Ellie that her mum wasn’t there. And no one could fill that gap, no matter how much Zoe tried.

She threw her hands up and dropped them down into her lap with a here goes gesture and said, ‘I’m pregnant.’

There, she had said it. It was the first time she had said it, too. Out loud. She had been over this conversation a million times in her head as she made the long car journey to the café, but as soon as those words came rushing out of her mouth, she felt the uncontrollable urge to burst into tears. Whether it was sadness or relief that she had told someone who could help her, but her eyes filled with gloom and she let the one tear fall over the edge and escape down her cheek. ‘I’m sorry,’ she added as an afterthought, although she didn’t know why she was apologising.

‘Oh, Els, don’t be sorry!’ Zoe immediately jumped up from the other end of the sofa in the flat above the café where Zoe lived and was right by her side, arms around her and rubbing her back as Ellie began to sob. ‘Why didn’t you tell me sooner? You don’t have to keep something like this bottled up. How long have you known?’

‘I only found out this morning,’ she mumbled into Zoe’s shoulder.

‘Wow, okay.’ Zoe squeezed her harder as she continued to sob. ‘Come on, it’s going to be okay. You can do this.’

Ellie pulled back in surprise. ‘What do you mean, I can do this? How am I going to do this? I’m not ready to be a mum. I’ve got my career; my flat is too small to have a baby… Zoe, I’m not even in a relationship!’ Sheer panic was rising fast inside her chest and she realised that she hadn’t actually thought of any of this until just now.

‘Ellie,’ she pulled her back and looked straight into her eyes. ‘It will be okay. I promise.’

She nodded to show that she had heard her, not that she agreed with her.

‘Now, take a deep breath and calm down.’

She did as she was asked and, actually, once she pushed aside the impending feeling of dread, she actually felt a little relieved to have got it off her chest. She was no longer alone in this battle. She had Zoe and she would help her. She had to.

‘Now, first things first.’ Zoe stood up and went to the kettle. ‘A nice cuppa and a choccie biscuit sorts out everything.’ Zoe then threw over a box of tissues, which landed on the sofa next to Ellie. ‘And wipe your eyes; we are going to sort this out together. Okay?’

She nodded and grabbed a tissue.

‘Oh wait!’ Ellie snapped her head up to look at Zoe, startled by the sudden increase in volume in Zoe’s voice. ‘Whose is it, then?’

‘What?’ Ellie replied, buying herself yet more time.

‘Whose is it, if you aren’t in a relationship at the moment?’

Ellie shook her head and dropped eye contact. How could she tell her who the baby’s dad was? Whilst Ellie and Zoe were close, no one really knew the kind of relationship she and Chris had. It had worked for them for years. But people wouldn’t understand, especially her sister, who knew Chris very well.

‘Do I know him? I do, don’t I?’ Zoe’s face lit up. ‘Oh my God, is it that guy you were seeing from the film?’

Ellie creased her face in disgust. ‘God, no! He was nice to look at but he was lousy in bed.’

‘Being lousy doesn’t stop you getting pregnant, though.’

‘That’s true.’ Ellie drew another tissue from the box and wiped her face dry. She had not cried this much for years. She didn’t do crying. It was weak. And she wasn’t weak. Although she felt it at times, she couldn’t let her outer self show this. When people saw you were weak, they took advantage of that and she wasn’t one to be taken advantage of. It was her against the world – with Zoe, of course. But they lived so far apart, Ellie felt alone a lot of the time, especially since their dad was not interested in her or anything she did. Unless she was Zoe, she couldn’t live up to what he wanted from her. So it was easier to just let go and get on with her life. She didn’t need him. She didn’t need anyone.

‘Was it that guy you started seeing a few months ago, the guy Chris set you up with from the pub?’

She tensed at hearing his name. Ellie remembered her dates with that guy; he had clearly stated he wanted nothing but fun and being annoyed at Chris for whatever reason it was at that time, she had agreed. But she found herself unable to go through with the type of relationship he wanted and ended it. It was only a matter of weeks after that that she and Chris had slept together again.

‘So…’ Zoe held out her hands, waiting for a reply.

‘Nope, not him.’

‘Oh come on, why won’t you tell me?’ She slammed her hands on the sofa in frustration, briefly showing a more immature side.

‘Okay, fine. But I don’t want any comments.’ Ellie pointed at her sister, warning her.

‘Why would I make a comment?’

‘Because I know you and I know what you will say.’

‘I promise I won’t make a comment.’ She froze, expectantly waiting for Ellie to speak.

‘It’s Chris.’

Zoe gasped and then clamped her hand over her mouth.

‘You said you wouldn’t say anything!’

Ellie watched as Zoe frantically shook her head, still keeping her hand tight over her mouth. It was as if she was desperately holding in the words that wanted to spill out of her mouth. Ellie could see the smile that was splayed across her face, even behind her hand.

They stood there in silence for a minute and then Ellie added. ‘Okay, fine. I can’t stand the silence. Just say something.’

Zoe dropped her hand and revealed the warmest, biggest smile. ‘Els, this is amazing!’

‘How’s that now?’ She knew Zoe would react like this. That’s why she didn’t want to tell her. She didn’t want this to cloud her judgement about what she should do next.

‘Because, it’s Chris! He is going to be the best dad! You’re like, best friends!’

‘I know; that’s why this is so weird! It’s Chris, for God’s sake. We don’t do things like having a baby! We are supposed to be out, getting drunk, eating junk food and watching reruns of Friends until 4am.’ She felt a tingle inside as she relived it – the number of Saturday nights they spent doing exactly that.

‘That’s a good point, how did this happen?’ Zoe walked back to the sofa and plonked herself down next to Ellie, bringing her legs up and crossing them underneath her as if she was about to get some really juicy gossip. Which, to be fair, she probably was.

Ellie skipped past the fact that they had done the whole sex thing a few times now and just referred to the latest time – which Zoe clearly thought was a one-off. ‘He came with me to a product-launch night I was invited to go to a couple of months ago. It was a free bar, we had too much to drink, I had bought a new dress… you get the gist.’

‘This is crazy. What does he say about it all?’ Ellie looked at her sister and pulled a face. ‘You haven’t told him? Ellie!’ She playfully pushed her arm as she berated her.

‘What? I panicked and I literally jumped in the car and drove here.’ Great, now she was feeling guilty as well as emotional and very, very tired.

‘So he doesn’t even know? You have to tell him.’

‘What? No!’ The panic was back. ‘Zoe, I can’t just call him up and say hey, you know that night we shagged, well, turns out I’m pregnant!’ She rolled her eyes. ‘Imagine what he would do. Imagine what he would say! He’d run a bloody mile!’

‘Would he, though? Ellie, that guy loves you to pieces.’

She shook her head. ‘No, he doesn’t, not like that.’

‘He bloody does. You two are perfect for each other; you’re both just too bloody stubborn to admit it!’

‘That’s not true.’

‘Oh whatever. Fact is, you are pregnant and you do have to tell him.’

She knew Zoe was right. But she wasn’t about to admit that to her face. She just needed some time to figure out what the hell was she going to do next?

Chapter 5

The little bell above the door of the café tinkled as Pippa walked through, armed with numerous boxes – and many more in the van outside. She was greeted by Zoe as she quickly ran over to swipe the boxes from her clutches. ‘Should you be carrying all this yourself, Pip?’ Zoe manoeuvred the shop floor with ease, winding in and out of the tables with her tiny frame and long legs, boxes balanced high.

‘Zoe, I’m pregnant, not ill. I think I can manage a few cake boxes.’ She laughed at her friend’s concern and retrieved more boxes from the back of her little van.

‘Here, take a seat. I want to talk to you about something.’

Pippa handed over the final few boxes and sat down at the counter. ‘Everything okay?’

She watched Zoe as she looked over her shoulder, back into the kitchen, and then leant in to say in a quiet voice. ‘My sister turned up yesterday.’

‘Oh, that’s nice. Did you know she was coming?’ She took in the whispering and constant checking over her shoulder that Zoe was doing and added, ‘Are you afraid the FBI are following you?’

‘What? No! I don’t want Ellie to hear me.’

Pippa laughed. ‘Okay. So why is your sister visiting a big secret?’

‘It’s not a secret, but she will go mad if she thinks I’m talking about her.’

Pippa watched as Zoe set about slicing the cakes she had just delivered and put them out on display. ‘You want me to help slice? Then you can tell me whatever it is that’s got you acting so weird.’ She stood and joined Zoe on the other side, pulling a lemon meringue from its box and slicing through the vibrant-yellow creation. It was actually quite therapeutic watching the blade slowly drag through the mixture, forming straight lines of perfection. ‘So how long is your sister here for? Is she okay?’

‘Not really. She’s got herself into a bit of a situation and she wants me to help. But I just don’t know what to do for the best.’

‘Well, what’s the situation? Maybe I can help.’ She was willing to do anything that would take her mind off what was going on at home. Jason had still been acting weird when he got up for work this morning and left without even saying goodbye. Announcing her pregnancy – that the two of them had waited so long for – should be such an exciting time. Yet she couldn’t help but feel Jason was more upset than elated. She had spent hours last night after Jason went to bed scouring the internet, looking for ways to increase her business potential and bring in more money, but the thought that the baby would be here in less than a year was constantly biting away at the back of her mind.

‘She’s just found out she’s pregnant.’

‘Oh wow! That’s great news. There must be something in the water, eh!’ Pippa laughed but immediately sensed that Zoe wasn’t in the mood for jokes. ‘You’re not happy she’s pregnant?’

‘It’s not that! I’m over the bloody moon. I’m going to be an aunty, it’s amazing.’

‘So, what’s wrong?’

Zoe put down the knife she was using to cut the brownies and exhaled agitatedly. ‘I don’t know if she is going to keep it.’

Pippa felt as if she had been punched in the stomach. The wind was temporarily knocked out of her and she tried her best to not show how devastating those words were to her. As someone who had tried for a baby for so many years and struggled so much to conceive, the thought of someone terminating a pregnancy just like that was haunting. But this was Zoe’s sister and she needed to be supportive and non-judgemental. ‘Wow, that is a huge decision. What makes you think that – did she actually say she wants to get rid of it?’

‘Yeah, she’s terrified. She’s clearly panicking and not realising what she’s saying. I know my sister and I know how she deals with things when times get hard, and I’m just so worried she is going to go off the rails again and do something stupid. You see, the guy whose baby it is, Chris, he’s such a nice guy! He and Ellie have been best friends ever since I can remember. Growing up they were always together – like two peas in a pod.’

‘So, are they together?’

Zoe shook her head. ‘No, but they should be. He loves her to pieces and I know she feels the same, but they keep up this whole ‘we’re just friends’ thing and it’s stupid. Everyone around them can see how in love they are, everyone apart from them.’

‘And now she’s pregnant with his baby?’

‘Yup! Crazy one-night stand, as far as I understand.’

‘Have you tried just explaining to her what you’re worried about?’

‘We had the longest chat last night; she said she doesn’t know what she’s going to do and that she just needed time to think. That’s why she’s come up here, to get away from it all. Chris doesn’t know yet – although I did say to her that she has to tell him – and she is very hormonal. This, for Ellie, isn’t a good thing because she can’t handle emotions. She doesn’t just cry and let it all out like the rest of us do; she’s like another species. She bottles it all up and it ends up having a detrimental effect on either her mind or her body. When Mum died, she completely lost it and I struggled to keep her head above the water, so to speak.’ Zoe had stopped slicing now and was full-on facing Pippa, concern etched over every part of her face. ‘Pip, I’m just worried she’ll do something stupid and regret it for the rest of her life.’

Pippa knew exactly what Zoe was talking about and leaned over to give her just a single squeeze of her hand, just to let her know.

‘I never told her about what happened to me, and I can’t tell her now, it’s too far down the line. But the thought of her not having this baby, it’s heart-breaking. I don’t know what to do to convince her to just stop and think.’

‘Unfortunately, it’s her decision, I’m afraid. All you can do is be there for her. I’m sure she won’t do anything without thinking it through.’

Zoe gave a little laugh before saying, ‘You don’t know my sister.’ Her head snapped round to the kitchen door as it opened.

Pippa followed her glance to the door and saw Ellie walk in. She hadn’t met Ellie in person before and the first thing she noticed was her beautiful, long blonde hair cascading over her shoulder and the full face of make-up. Whilst Pippa had more of a natural look, Ellie’s make- up was stunning, flawless. She oozed perfection and even with the jogging bottoms and t-shirt she was sporting, she looked glamorous. It must run in the family, as Zoe always looked chic and effortless. She wore less make-up than her sister but hers was a natural beauty and she carried it off very well.

‘Morning! How are you feeling today?’ Zoe chirped in her normal cheery voice that she used on everyone. Pippa was one of the only people to ever see Zoe stressed or miserable. They had been friends for some time now, but recently their friendship had become quite a close one. Zoe was opening up a lot more to Pippa and she was glad to have a friend to talk to. Not that Pippa opened up completely to anyone. If anyone knew how her home life had been more recently, they would think badly not only of Jason, but of her for staying with him. And that was more hassle than it was worth. Nobody needed to know about things at home. She knew her friends would talk her out of the marriage and now that they had a baby on the way, there was no way she was going to walk away. No matter what he did – or had done in the past. As far as anyone was concerned, she and Jason had a wonderful marriage and a baby on the way. End of story.

‘I’m okay.’ Ellie glanced over to Pippa so she smiled, hoping it looked normal and not full of sympathy. ‘Hi,’ she added to Pippa.

‘Oh, Ellie, this is my friend Pippa. She’s the lady who does all my cakes.’

‘Oh, so you’re who I have to thank for the most amazing Bakewell I’ve ever had.’

Pippa blushed, ‘Aw, thank you. I’m glad you liked it.’

‘Pippa makes the most amazing cakes. I remember when she first came in the shop and offered her services. She brought in a tray of samples the next day and, oh my God, I was in love.’

Pippa beamed at the memory. She had only just started out her baking business from home and was so nervous about drumming up enough business to stay afloat and make it work. But she had actually done all right over the years, considering she’d built it from nothing. Well, that’s what she thought. After six months of trading, Jason had persuaded her to give up her job at the bakery she worked in and go it alone completely, so she could throw herself fully into it. It worked and she expanded a little in that time, but it was never enough for him and he was always making comments about how he was holding things together all the time. But she kept plodding along with a smile on her face because of people like Zoe, who told her she was doing amazing things. When things were falling apart behind the scenes, Pippa was able to still project this image of perfection, with her business going from strength to strength. Albeit in baby steps.