His Girl Next Door: The Army Ranger's Return / New York's Finest Rebel / The Girl from Honeysuckle Farm
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Ryan gritted his teeth and forced his eyes to stay open as his memory tried to claw its way back. The smell of gunpowder, the pain making his arm feel like it was on fire, and not being able to stop. Making his arm work, pushing through, pulling the trigger over and over until his body had finally let him down.
He clamped his jaw down hard and looked at Jessica. She was sitting, too, right beside him, legs tucked up under her as she stared at the water. As if she was the troubled one. He could see it on her face. That she was either reacting to his pain, or harboring her own.
“Jess?”
She turned empty eyes toward him, bottom lip caught between her teeth.
“That means you’re going back at some point.”
He raised a brow. Had she thought he was home for good? Had he made her think he was staying by something he’d said?
“Ah, all going well, I’ll be deployed wherever they need me,” he confirmed.
It was wonderful being back here in some ways, but it was also extremely difficult. He’d do his best, try to make amends, but he was a soldier. That’s what he did. What he was good at.
She nodded, over and over again, too vigorously. “Of course, of course you’re going back. I don’t know why I thought you wouldn’t be.”
“I’ll be here a couple months at least, then I have to figure out what to do. I’m eligible to be discharged, they’ve offered me teaching positions, but I’m just not ready to walk away from my men. I don’t know where I’ll be deployed yet but it’s my job to go wherever they need me.”
Sad eyes greeted him when he looked back at her. She smiled, but he could tell something had upset her. He hoped it wasn’t his fault. Seeing those bright eyes cloud over was not something he wanted to be held accountable for.
“What about your son?” she asked quietly.
Ryan sighed. His son. George. Now that was a topic he and Jess could talk about all day. Or maybe not talk about at all, as he’d been home a week already and they’d hardly spoken a word to one another.
“I don’t know if I’m just not cut out to be a father, or whether he truly wishes I was back with the army.”
He didn’t say what else he wondered. That maybe his son wished he were dead.
Ryan picked up a stone and stood, then reached his arm back and threw it into the water. He’d meant to skim it, but instead the stone went a little distance then landed with a plop.
He shut his eyes and pushed away the anger. He hated not being capable, losing the function in his strongest arm, but getting angry about it didn’t help his progress and he knew it. Sometimes he just forgot about it, and then he’d surprise himself all over again by not having the control he wanted.
He looked down at Jessica, sitting still, eyes fixed in the distance.
“You okay?”
It was as if she had to snap out of a trance before she even noticed he was speaking.
“Yeah.”
Ryan watched as she jumped to her feet and brushed the grass off her jeans. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Maybe he’d been away way too long, or maybe he’d just forgotten how sensitive women were. Because they’d only been at the park less than an hour and already he’d done something to upset her.
And he had no idea what.
“You still want to grab some lunch?” he asked.
She smiled at him, this time more openly. Or maybe more guardedly. He couldn’t tell which.
“Sure. Let’s go.”
Jessica couldn’t fathom why her stomach was twisting like a snake had taken ownership of it. Why did it even bother her? So he was going back to war? He was a soldier and that’s what soldiers did. It was just that she hadn’t expected him to be going back. When he’d written to her and told her he was coming home she’d thought it was for good.
It wasn’t as if he’d promised her something and was now going back on his word. She had no right to even feel this way.
They were friends.
So why was she acting like her lover had come home and lied to her about his intentions? Or maybe she’d just dealt with too much loss to even comprehend the thought of losing anyone else from her life again. She knew firsthand what the consequences were of him not coming home, what the risks were.
“You sure you’re all right?” he persisted.
Jessica’s head swivelled so quickly it almost swung off.
“Me?”
He laughed and she watched as he pushed his hands into his jeans pockets.
“Yes, you.”
She felt the flush of her cheeks as he made fun of her. She’d expected him to be the one clamming up and here she was like a nervous bunch of keys being jangled. She hadn’t even realized how long they’d been walking in silence.
“I’m sorry Ryan, it’s just …”
He shrugged. “I took you by surprise.”
This was a man who’d been away from civilization for years, and yet he seemed to have her all figured out. That made a change.
Jessica sighed.
“I understand if you don’t want to, you know, hear about war or anything. It’s not exactly the most pleasant experience to discuss,” he said.
She frowned at the look on his face. It took her a second, because she hesitated, but Jessica reached for his hand to give it a quick squeeze. She was being stupid and he was the one who needed her to act like normal. To listen to him like she had in all their letters. He had no idea why she was affected by what he’d said, and that’s how it had to be. She’d lost too much, exposed those she loved to that loss as well, and it had struck a chord with her. But that was one musical instrument she had no intention of playing around him, and that meant she had to deal with it and move on. Fast.
“You can tell me all you like, honestly. I just didn’t expect you to be going back there anytime soon,” she explained. “It took me by surprise.”
Ryan caught her hand before she could pull it away. His hand was strong, smooth. And the touch made a tingle start in her fingertips and ripple goose bumps up her forearm.
“You’re the only person I’ve been able to talk to, apart from the guys, since I left.”
She nodded. Words refused to form in her throat. It had been so long since a man had touched her. Since she’d even felt a spark of attraction that had made her heart beat like a hammer was thwacking it from side to side.
“If I can’t talk to you, I’ve got no one,” he added.
Jessica couldn’t take her eyes off their hands. Ryan followed her gaze and seemed to realize what the problem was, opening his grip and slowly releasing her fingers.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered.
“Don’t be sorry.”
She smiled up at him. Watched the way his eyes crinkled ever so gently at the sides as he smiled back at her.
“Oh, no!” she exclaimed.
Ryan jumped to attention, eyes scanning, like he was looking for an enemy, but Jessica was already moving back toward the park.
“What?”
“Where’s Herc?” she gasped.
Her heart had gone from thumping out of desire to banging from terror. How could she have been that distracted? How could she not have noticed that he’d wandered off? Her baby, her best friend, her …
Hercules had been there for her through everything. When she was home recovering, cuddling up by her side as the chemo ravaged her body. Snuggling her when she couldn’t force herself out of bed in the morning. Listening to her as she’d sobbed after surgery.
He’d probably just wandered off in search of more ducks, chasing mallards again, but still …
Jessica had huge hot tears that felt like balls of fire fighting to get free of her lashes, desperate to spill, but she gulped them back, moving as fast as she could back the way they’d come.
She jumped as a hand came down on her shoulder. A hand that seemed to distribute calm energy through her body, grounding her, telling her everything was going to be okay.
“I’ll run ahead, you keep your eyes peeled.” Ryan’s deep voice was commanding as he took charge. “I’ll get him, you just stay calm.”
Jessica nodded. She wasn’t capable of doing anything else. Herc always followed along beside her off the lead, but then she wasn’t usually so distracted.
She watched Ryan thump gracefully down the sidewalk, his feet beating a steady rhythm as he jogged away from her.
“Herc!” Jessica called as loud as she could. “Come on, Herc!”
Ryan had never felt as if his heart was actually in his throat before. Maybe at the funeral, when he’d had to watch his son cry as his mother was lowered in a coffin into her grave. But that was a different kind of emotion. That was pure agony, mourning like he’d never known he could experience.
This? This was desperation, panic. Determination to find what he was looking for.
He’d settled into a quick steady jog and he was almost back to where they’d come from, searching with his eyes as he moved. The dog had been at their side when they’d left but the little rascal must have skipped off when something caught his nose.
Then Ryan spotted him. A brown bullet barking his head off as he chased ducks back and forth along the bank again. Completely oblivious to the fact he was alone and had found his way back solo.
Phew.
“Hercules!”
The dog ignored him. Ryan kept running, slowing only to scoop the bundle of fur into his arms.
Hercules jumped and wriggled, but Ryan held him firm.
“You gave us a fright, bud.”
The dog just wriggled some more, tongue flapping as he tried to contort his little body around so he could lick him. Ryan held him in an iron-tight grip, just far enough away so he could avoid being slobbered all over.
“Come on, let’s go find your mom.”
He started jogging again, until he spotted Jessica ahead. He would have waved but he was determined not to let the dog go. He was writhing like a slippery fish again.
When she saw them, Jessica’s entire face lit up, a smile stretching across her lips.
“Herc!”
Ryan slowed and grinned. “Told you I’d get him.”
Now she was crying. Oh, no, he didn’t do tears well. He went to hold the dog out but she threw herself into his arms instead, almost making him drop the little animal!
“Thank you, Ryan. Thank you, thank you, thank you.”
He gave her a half hug back, the other arm still occupied by Hercules.
Ryan went to move at the same time as she kissed him on the cheek. His face turned too far and she got him on the side of his mouth.
He fought not to turn farther into her, his pulse racing at her mouth on his.
“Oh.”
He grimaced. “Sorry.”
Jessica was bright red again, like a piece of freshly snapped rhubarb.
“I—”
He stepped back, clipped the dog onto the leash hanging from her hand and put him down.
“How about we head back to your place? Get him out of trouble?” he suggested.
Jessica nodded, still flushed.
He didn’t know what was happening here, but one thing he did know was that somehow they weren’t behaving like long lost pen pals. When she’d held him before, it had felt too warm. Like someone had shone the sun itself between them. Like they were the only two people in the world.
And if it had been another time and another place, he’d have been tempted to never let her go.
But he was only here for a few months. Maybe less. He’d come looking for her because she’d been such a wonderful support to him. Helped him talk about his feelings, open up.
Without her, he doubted he’d have ever have had the strength to come home, to face his demons once and for all.
There was no chance he was going to stuff this up by letting his emotions get the better of him. Jessica was off limits romantically.
And that was nonnegotiable.
He had to maintain their friendship, repair his relationship with his son and summon the strength to open up to his own parents. Tell them how much he appreciated them and what they’d done for him.
He grimaced at the thought of what the coming months held.
He’d just have to take it all one step at a time.
CHAPTER THREE
Dear Ryan,
I know you feel like you can’t come back home, but that’s just fear talking. I’m not going to tell you that soldiers shouldn’t be fearful, because a soldier is nothing more than a brave human being and you can’t help how you feel. But you need to repair your relationship with your son while you can. And you need to face the fact that he will want to talk with you about his mother.
I don’t know what you’re going through, but I do understand pain and loss. I know what it feels like to grieve, and to want to hide away, but in the end you have to be honest with yourself. It’s the only way forward.
Remember I’m here for you. If you need someone to hold your hand, that person can be me. No questions asked. Jessica
JESSICA HAD BEHAVED like a brainless airhead. Since when could she forget her dog? And the way she’d shut out Ryan after he’d opened up to her was unacceptable. He must think she was some kind of a nutcase. Not the level-headed pen pal who was full of wisdom that he’d come to rely on.
Nothing about today had gone as planned.
Jessica smiled as he walked back into the room. She swallowed away her fear and pinched her hand.
“Ryan, I’m so sorry.”
He looked confused. One eyebrow raised slightly higher than the other. “What about?”
She sighed. He was either really good at pretending, or men actually were incredibly good at just letting things go.
“About before. Can we just start over? Go back to when you arrived?”
Ryan chuckled. He actually chuckled, while she stood there all breathless and red-faced.
“Whatever you say.”
Argh! Men could be so irritating. He was just like her brother. Or worse. Acting like something hadn’t happened when it had. But if he wanted to forget about it then she wasn’t going to argue with him. She’d behaved badly and now she had a chance to make things right.
“Okay, how about we actually have a cup of something hot and make some lunch then?”
He grinned and walked right up to her, stopping a few feet back. Ryan held out his hand.
“I’m Ryan, it’s so good to finally meet you.”
She glared at him and stuck her hands in her pockets.
“Not funny, Ryan.” The expression on his face didn’t change. It was so serious he almost made her laugh, but she felt like too much of an idiot to shrug it off. “I made a fool of myself back there and it wasn’t me. I mean, I don’t even know how to explain myself.”
He smiled at her again, but this time she didn’t feel mocked.
“I thought you wanted to start over?”
Jessica turned away from him.
“Look, I took you by surprise, that’s all. Now let’s have some food, okay? I’m starving. Unless you want to meet all over again, again?” he teased.
Jessica sighed and walked back into the kitchen. Her face still felt flushed, but she was starting to relax. Lucky this was a friendship where they already kind of knew one another. If it had been a first date she’d have been toast.
“Can I do anything?” he offered.
She shook her head.
“I’ll make some sandwiches and meet you outside.”
When he didn’t move she made herself look up at him.
“Hercules would love to play ball if you’re up for a game in the yard,” she suggested.
He winked at her and sauntered out the door.
Jessica had to force her mouth to stay shut. It was in grave risk of dropping down and hitting her on the chest.
Something about that man had her all twisted in knots, and that wink hadn’t helped. She was all hot, like she needed a fan, but she gulped down a glass of water instead.
And it didn’t help her any.
Ten minutes later, and still hot under the collar, Jessica found Ryan sitting back on one of her chairs, eyes closed, basking in the sun. A very put-out-looking Hercules lay nearby, ball neglected between his front paws.
She leant over to put the tray of food and drinks on the table when Ryan’s eyes popped open. He looked lazy, comfortable.
Gorgeous.
She pushed the thought away as he ran a hand through his hair and then down his face, as if to wake himself up.
“You’ve got no idea how good this is, just sitting here.”
“Sandwich?”
He took it happily and started eating. Jessica made herself do the same, even though swallowing was like forcing large chunks through a sieve.
They sat in silence for a bit. Eating. Watching the dog chase his tail then start stalking a bird.
“Don’t get me wrong, Jess, but I could have sworn you had something other than my going back to war on your mind before.”
This time she actually choked. Had to reach for her coffee and take a big gulp. What had happened to the stereotype of brooding soldier who hardly said a word and wasn’t up with the whole feelings thing? She had expected him to be quiet and reserved, but the reality of him was anything but. He’d either come out of his shell big-time, or he was making a huge effort here.
And hadn’t they put this behind them and started over?
“Sorry, went down the wrong way,” she stuttered.
Ryan didn’t look convinced, just reached for another sandwich.
“Whatever you say.”
She sighed.
“It’s true I’ve had a lot going on this past year, but I just wasn’t expecting to have to worry about you going back on top of it all. That’s all.”
It wasn’t technically a lie. She would worry about him when he was gone. But when he’d told her, her mind had wandered. To a place she didn’t want to go and shouldn’t have let herself be drawn back to.
“Jessica?”
She put on the brave face she had perfected over the months of treatment she’d received and turned back to him.
“I’m fine, honestly. Tell me about you. What do you want to do while you’re home? Do you need somewhere to stay?”
She held her breath, hoping he’d say no. There was no way she could deal with him staying here. Not now. It was messing her head up just trying to be normal around him for an afternoon.
“Tempting offer, but no, thanks.”
She tucked her feet up beneath her on the seat and turned to face him. It was comforting in a way to watch his face, but off-putting at the same time. Hard to fathom this man sitting here was the author of all those letters, the ones that had kept her going, even through the hard times. Given her something to look forward to and something to focus on.
His eyes softened as he smiled, laughter lines etched ever so slightly into his tanned skin.
“I’ve been hoping you might have some good advice to throw my way.” He paused, taking a sip of his coffee. “On how to deal with a twelve-year-old boy who can’t seem to bear the sight of me.”
Her heart throbbed for a moment, feeling his pain. But she recovered without him noticing.
“When you say he can’t bear the sight of you …”
Ryan grimaced. “I mean that he gets up and leaves the room the moment he sees me, or suffers my presence at mealtime by sitting silently and not raising his eyes.”
Oh. “And your parents?”
That brought the smile back to his face. “Thrilled to have their only son home and desperate for me to reconnect with my own boy.”
She thought about it for a moment. The nice thing about already having a relationship with someone, even if it was on paper, was that silent stretches weren’t uncomfortable. Or at least they weren’t with Ryan.
She unfolded her legs and leaned toward him.
“I know it’s going to sound like a cliché, saying that you just need to give him time, especially after all the time you’ve been away, but I think he’ll come around. He’s probably angry at you for leaving and staying away so long, and he wants answers. You need to let him know that when he does want to ask you questions you can be there for him, straight up, honest.”
Ryan closed his eyes and sat back. She could see this was painful for him, but he was better to get it all off his chest with her.
Besides, talking about him was taking her mind off the fact that she was attracted to him. That his being there, beside her, was making her have feelings she’d long ago abandoned when it came to men. And it also made her push her memories back where they belonged. Locked in a box, out of mind’s reach.
He smiled sadly. “You’re right, but sometimes I wonder if he’d have been better off if I’d just stayed away.”
Jessica shook her head. It wasn’t true and he knew it.
“Why don’t you practice on me,” she suggested, voice soft. “You can pretend I’m George.”
He nodded. She only just registered the incline of his head as he moved it.
Jessica took a deep breath. “Okay, I’ll start.” She paused. “Why did you really go back to war so soon? Why didn’t you come home? Stay with me?”
He kept his eyes shut. “I can’t answer that.”
She sighed and sat back. On second thought she reached for his hand, wanting to give him strength even if it hurt her. “If you can’t be honest with me, how are you going to be honest with a boy who wants the truth?”
She watched as Ryan’s thumb traced her palm, holding her hand back. It felt so good it hurt, but she didn’t dare pull her hand away. Couldn’t. The tingle in her fingertips and the pulse at her neck were enough to make her stay put.
When he was ready to talk he dropped his hold and pulled his chair around to face her head-on. She forced herself to breathe, had to concentrate on every inhale and exhale of her lungs.
“Okay, let’s do this.”
She nodded, still off balance from touching him, from his skin connecting with hers. From wanting him to do it again and hating herself for even thinking about him like that.
Ryan squeezed his eyes shut one more time then focused, looking firmly into hers.
“I left because going away was easier than staying. I was a coward and I should have been here for you.”
Jessica gulped silently as tears pooled in her eyes. This was what he’d been needing to say for so long. There was no disguising the pain in his voice.
“Go on,” she urged huskily.
“I told myself that you would be better off without me, and I felt guilty over your mom’s death. Like if only I’d loved her more, been here for her more, she could have pulled through. Everyone thought we had this perfect life, and in many ways we did, but then when she got sick everything just went into free fall, and after a while it was easier to just stay away than deal with her death.” He paused. “And with you.”
Jessica stood and walked away a few steps. She couldn’t help it. Tears hit her cheeks and trickled their way down her jaw. She’d known hurt before, known what it was like to be left, but she also knew what it was like to be the one who did the hurting.
“Jess?”
“I’m sorry, it’s just …”
“Did I say something wrong?” He sounded concerned.
She reached her fingertips to her face and brushed the tears away. Before she could turn large hands fell on her arms, holding her from behind.
“I shouldn’t have said all that, but once I started it …”
Jessica closed her eyes then turned back to face him. She’d tried not to let her own feelings intrude, but it was hard. Impossible even.
“I lost someone once, too, Ryan, that’s all. Hearing you say all that kind of brought that back. I don’t know why but it did.”
His eyes questioned her but he didn’t say anything. Instead it was as if a metal guard had been raised, shielding his gaze and putting a wall between them. A divide that hadn’t been there before.
Jessica didn’t want to think about her past. Probably as much as Ryan wanted to disclose his, if the look on his face right now was any indication. It did give them something in common. Not exactly the common element most people would wish for, but on some level she did understand him. And if she wanted to tell him, he’d probably feel the same about her. But she didn’t want to, and the last thing she intended was burdening him with her problems, or letting her mind dwell on what could happen to her.