Deep Waters, the Entire Collection

I thought they was never going to stop, and, if it ‘adn’t been for a fit of coughing, I don’t believe that the scraggy little woman could ha’ stopped. Arter one o’ the draymen ‘ad saved her life and spoilt ‘er temper by patting ‘er on the back with a hand the size of a leg o’ mutton, the carman turned to me and told me to tell the truth, if it choked me.

“I have told you the truth,” I ses. “She ses I’m her ‘usband and I say I ain’t. Ow’s she going to prove it? Why should you believe her, and not me?”

“She’s got a truthful face,” ses the carman.

“Look here!” ses the skipper, speaking very slow, “I’ve got an idea, wot’ll settle it p’raps. You get outside,” he ses, turning sharp on the two little boys.

One o’ the draymen ‘elped ‘em to go out, and ‘arf a minute arterwards a stone came over the gate and cut the potman’s lip open. Boys will be boys.

“Now!” ses the skipper, turning to the woman, and smiling with conceitedness. “Had your ‘usband got any marks on ‘im? Birth-mark, or moles, or anything of that sort?”

“I’m sure he is my ‘usband,” ses the woman, dabbing her eyes.

“Yes, yes,” ses the skipper, “but answer my question. If you can tell us any marks your ‘usband had, we can take Bill down into my cabin and–”

“You’ll do WOT?” I ses, in a loud voice.

“You speak when you’re spoke to,” ses the carman. “It’s got nothing to do with you.”

“No, he ain’t got no birthmarks,” ses the woman, speaking very slow—and I could see she was afraid of making a mistake and losing me—“but he’s got tattoo marks. He’s got a mermaid tattooed on ‘im.”

“Where?” ses the skipper, a’most jumping.

I ‘eld my breath. Five sailormen out of ten have been tattooed with mermaids, and I was one of ‘em. When she spoke agin I thought I should ha’ dropped.

“On ‘is right arm,” she ses, “unless he’s ‘ad it rubbed off.”

“You can’t rub out tattoo marks,” ses the skipper.

They all stood looking at me as if they was waiting for something. I folded my arms—tight—and stared back at ‘em.

“If you ain’t this lady’s ‘usband,” ses the skipper, turning to me, “you can take off your coat and prove it.”

“And if you don’t we’ll take it off for you,” ses the carman, coming a bit closer.

Arter that things ‘appened so quick, I hardly knew whether I was standing on my ‘cad or my heels. Both, I think. They was all on top o’ me at once, and the next thing I can remember is sitting on the ground in my shirt-sleeves listening to the potman, who was making a fearful fuss because somebody ‘ad bit his ear ‘arf off. My coat was ripped up the back, and one of the draymen was holding up my arm and showing them all the mermaid, while the other struck matches so as they could see better.

“That’s your ‘usband right enough,” he ses to the woman. “Take ‘im.”

“P’raps she’ll carry ‘im ‘ome,” I ses, very fierce and sarcastic.

“And we don’t want none of your lip,” ses the carman, who was in a bad temper because he ‘ad got a fearful kick on the shin from somewhere.

I got up very slow and began to put my coat on again, and twice I ‘ad to tell that silly woman that when I wanted her ‘elp I’d let ‘er know. Then I ‘eard slow, heavy footsteps in the road outside, and, afore any of ‘em could stop me, I was calling for the police.

I don’t like policemen as a rule; they’re too inquisitive, but when the wicket was pushed open and I saw a face with a helmet on it peeping in, I felt quite a liking for ‘em.

“Wot’s up?” ses the policeman, staring ‘ard at my little party.

They all started telling ‘im at once, and I should think if the potman showed him ‘is ear once he showed it to ‘im twenty times. He lost his temper and pushed it away at last, and the potman gave a ‘owl that set my teeth on edge. I waited till they was all finished, and the policeman trying to get ‘is hearing back, and then I spoke up in a quiet way and told ‘im to clear them all off of my wharf.

“They’re trespassing,” I ses, “all except the skipper and mate here. They belong to a little wash-tub that’s laying alongside, and they’re both as ‘armless as they look.”

It’s wonderful wot a uniform will do. The policeman just jerked his ‘ead and said “out-side,” and the men went out like a flock of sheep. The on’y man that said a word was the carman, who was in such a hurry that ‘e knocked his bad shin against my foot as ‘e went by. The thin little woman was passed out by the policeman in the middle of a speech she was making, and he was just going for the other, when the skipper stopped ‘im.

“This lady is coming on my ship,” he ses, puffing out ‘is chest.

I looked at ‘im, and then I turned to the policeman. “So long as she goes off my wharf, I don’t mind where she goes,” I ses. “The skipper’s goings-on ‘ave got nothing to do with me.”

“Then she can foller him ‘ome in the morning,” ses the skipper. “Good night, watch-man.”

Him and the mate ‘elped the silly old thing to the ship, and, arter I ‘ad been round to the Bear’s Head and fetched a pint for the police-man, I locked up and sat down to think things out; and the more I thought the worse they seemed. I’ve ‘eard people say that if you have a clear conscience nothing can hurt you. They didn’t know my missus.

I got up at last and walked on to the jetty, and the woman, wot was sitting on the deck of the John Henry, kept calling out: “Bill!” like a sick baa-lamb crying for its ma. I went back, and ‘ad four pints at the Bear’s Head, but it didn’t seem to do me any good, and at last I went and sat down in the office to wait for morning.

It came at last, a lovely morning with a beautiful sunrise; and that woman sitting up wide awake, waiting to foller me ‘ome. When I opened the gate at six o’clock she was there with the mate and the skipper, waiting, and when I left at five minutes past she was trotting along beside me.

Twice I stopped and spoke to ‘er, but it was no good. Other people stopped too, and I ‘ad to move on agin; and every step was bringing me nearer to my house and the missus.

I turned into our street, arter passing it three times, and the first thing I saw was my missus standing on the doorstep ‘aving a few words with the lady next door. Then she ‘appened to look up and see us, just as that silly woman was trying to walk arm-in-arm.

Twice I knocked her ‘and away, and then, right afore my wife and the party next door, she put her arm round my waist. By the time I got to the ‘ouse my legs was trembling so I could hardly stand, and when I got into the passage I ‘ad to lean up against the wall for a bit.

“Keep ‘er out,” I ses.

“Wot do you want?” ses my missus, trembling with passion. “Wot do you think you’re doing?”

“I want my ‘usband, Bill,” ses the woman.

My missus put her ‘and to her throat and came in without a word, and the woman follered ‘er. If I hadn’t kept my presence o’ mind and shut the door two or three more would ‘ave come in too.

I went into the kitchen about ten minutes arterwards to see ‘ow they was getting on. Besides which they was both calling for me.

“Now then!” ses my missus, who was leaning up against the dresser with ‘er arms folded, “wot ‘ave you got to say for yourself walking in as bold as brass with this hussy?”

“Bill!” ses the woman, “did you hear wot she called me?”

She spoke to me like that afore my wife, and in two minutes they was at it, hammer and tongs.

Fust of all they spoke about each other, and then my missus started speaking about me. She’s got a better memory than most people, because she can remember things that never ‘appened, and every time I coughed she turned on me like a tiger.

“And as for you,” she ses, turning to the woman, “if you did marry ‘im you should ha’ made sure that he ‘adn’t got a wife already.”

“He married me fust,” ses the woman.

“When?” ses my wife. “Wot was the date?”

“Wot was the date you married ‘im?” ses the other one.

They stood looking at each other like a couple o’ game-cocks, and I could see as plain as a pike-staff ‘ow frightened both of ‘em was o’ losing me.

“Look here!” I ses at last, to my missus, “talk sense. ‘Ow could I be married to ‘er? When I was at sea I was at sea, and when I was ashore I was with you.”

“Did you use to go down to the ship to see ‘im off?” ses the woman.

“No,” ses my wife. “I’d something better to do.”

“Neither did I,” ses the woman. “P’raps that’s where we both made a mistake.”

“You get out of my ‘ouse!” ses my missus, very sudden. “Go on, afore I put you out.”

“Not without my Bill,” ses the woman. “If you lay a finger on me I’ll scream the house down.”

“You brought her ‘ere,” ses my wife, turning to me, “now you can take ‘er away?”

“I didn’t bring ‘er,” I ses. “She follered me.”

“Well, she can foller you agin,” she ses. “Go on!” she ses, trembling all over. “Git out afore I start on you.”

I was in such a temper that I daren’t trust myself to stop. I just gave ‘er one look, and then I drew myself up and went out. ‘Alf the fools in our street was standing in front of the ‘ouse, ‘umming like bees, but I took no notice. I held my ‘ead up and walked through them with that woman trailing arter me.

I was in such a state of mind that I went on like a man in a dream. If it had ha’ been a dream I should ha’ pushed ‘er under an omnibus, but you can’t do things like that in real life.

“Penny for your thoughts, Bill,” she ses. I didn’t answer her.

“Why don’t you speak to me?” she ses.

“You don’t know wot you’re asking for,” I ses.

I was hungry and sleepy, and ‘ow I was going to get through the day I couldn’t think. I went into a pub and ‘ad a couple o’ pints o’ stout and a crust o’ bread and cheese for brekfuss. I don’t know wot she ‘ad, but when the barman tried to take for it out o’ my money, I surprised ‘im.

We walked about till I was ready to drop. Then we got to Victoria Park, and I ‘ad no sooner got on to the grass than I laid down and went straight off to sleep. It was two o’clock when I woke, and, arter a couple o’ pork-pies and a pint or two, I sat on a seat in the Park smoking, while she kep’ dabbing ‘er eyes agin and asking me to come ‘ome.

At five o’clock I got up to go back to the wharf, and, taking no notice of ‘er, I walked into the street and jumped on a ‘bus that was passing. She jumped too, and, arter the conductor had ‘elped ‘er up off of ‘er knees and taken her arms away from his waist, I’m blest if he didn’t turn on me and ask me why I ‘adn’t left her at ‘ome.

We got to the wharf just afore six. The John Henry ‘ad gorn, but the skipper ‘ad done all the ‘arm he could afore he sailed, and, if I ‘adn’t kept my temper, I should ha’ murdered arf a dozen of ‘em.

The woman wanted to come on to the wharf, but I ‘ad a word or two with one o’ the fore-men, who owed me arf-a-dollar, and he made that all right.

“We all ‘ave our faults, Bill,” he ses as ‘e went out, “and I suppose she was better looking once upon a time?”

I didn’t answer ‘im. I shut the wicket arter ‘im, quick, and turned the key, and then I went on with my work. For a long time everything was as quiet as the grave, and then there came just one little pull at the bell. Five minutes arterwards there was another.

I thought it was that woman, but I ‘ad to make sure. When it came the third time I crept up to the gate.

“Halloa!” I ses. “Who is it?”

“Me, darling,” ses a voice I reckernized as the potman’s. “Your missus wants to come in and sit down.”

I could ‘ear several people talking, and it seemed to me there was quite a crowd out there, and by and by that bell was going like mad. Then people started kicking the gate, and shouting, but I took no notice until, presently, it left off all of a sudden, and I ‘eard a loud voice asking what it was all about. I suppose there was about fifty of ‘em all telling it at once, and then there was the sound of a fist on the gate.

“Who is it?” I ses.

“Police,” ses the voice.

I opened the wicket then and looked out. A couple o’ policemen was standing by the gate and arf the riff-raff of Wapping behind ‘em.

“Wot’s all this about?” ses one o’ the policemen.

I shook my ‘ead. “Ask me another,” I ses. “Your missus is causing a disturbance,” he ses.

“She’s not my missus,” I ses; “she’s a complete stranger to me.”

“And causing a crowd to collect and refusing to go away,” ses the other policeman.

“That’s your business,” I ses. “It’s nothing to do with me.”

They talked to each other for a moment, and then they spoke to the woman. I didn’t ‘ear wot she said, but I saw her shake her ‘ead, and a’most direckly arterwards she was marching away between the two policemen with the crowd follering and advising ‘er where to kick ‘em.

I was a bit worried at fust—not about her—and then I began to think that p’raps it was the best thing that could have ‘appened.

I went ‘ome in the morning with a load lifted off my mind; but I ‘adn’t been in the ‘ouse two seconds afore my missus started to put it on agin. Fust of all she asked me ‘ow I dared to come into the ‘ouse, and then she wanted to know wot I meant by leaving her at ‘ome and going out for the day with another woman.

“You told me to,” I ses.

“Oh, yes,” she ses, trembling with temper. “You always do wot I tell you, don’t you? Al-ways ‘ave, especially when it’s anything you like.”

She fetched a bucket o’ water and scrubbed the kitchen while I was having my brekfuss, but I kept my eye on ‘er, and, the moment she ‘ad finished, I did the perlite and emptied the bucket for ‘er, to prevent mistakes.

I read about the case in the Sunday paper, and I’m thankful to say my name wasn’t in it. All the magistrate done was to make ‘er promise that she wouldn’t do it again, and then he let ‘er go. I should ha’ felt more comfortable if he ‘ad given ‘er five years, but, as it turned out, it didn’t matter. Her ‘usband happened to read it, and, whether ‘e was tired of living alone, or whether he was excited by ‘caring that she ‘ad got a little general shop, ‘e went back to her.

The fust I knew about it was they came round to the wharf to see me. He ‘ad been a fine-looking chap in ‘is day, and even then ‘e was enough like me for me to see ‘ow she ‘ad made the mistake; and all the time she was telling me ‘ow it ‘appened, he was looking me up and down and sniffing.

“‘Ave you got a cold?” I ses, at last.

“Wot’s that got to do with you?” he ses. “Wot do you mean by walking out with my wife? That’s what I’ve come to talk about.”

For a moment I thought that his bad luck ‘ad turned ‘is brain. “You’ve got it wrong,” I ses, as soon as I could speak. “She walked out with me.”

“Cos she thought you was her ‘usband,” he ses, “but you didn’t think you was me, did you?”

“‘Course I didn’t,” I ses.

“Then ‘ow dare you walk out with ‘er?” he ses.

“Look ‘ere!” I ses. “You get off ‘ome as quick as you like. I’ve ‘ad about enough of your family. Go on, hook it.”

Afore I could put my ‘ands up he ‘it me hard in the mouth, and the next moment we was at it as ‘ard as we could go. Nearly every time I hit ‘im he wasn’t there, and every time ‘e hit me I wished I hadn’t ha’ been. When I said I had ‘ad enough, ‘e contradicted me and kept on, but he got tired of it at last, and, arter telling me wot he would do if I ever walked ‘is wife out agin, they went off like a couple o’ love-birds.

By the time I got ‘ome next morning my eyes was so swelled up I could ‘ardly see, and my nose wouldn’t let me touch it. I was so done up I could ‘ardly speak, but I managed to tell my missus about it arter I had ‘ad a cup o’ tea. Judging by her face anybody might ha’ thought I was telling ‘er something funny, and, when I ‘ad finished, she looks up at the ceiling and ses:

“I ‘ope it’ll be a lesson to you,” she ses.