Heart of a Hero

He smiled, lowering his head to the slope of her breast and tasting the tender flesh. “Can I help?”

He quickly tore the shirt open and shrugged it off, then unfastened his pants as well and pushed them off along with his boxers. Turning his attention to her pants, he unzipped them and put his thumbs at the sides, pushing until she, too, had kicked the last of her clothing away.

Then he urged her onto the mattress.

As he followed her down, he said, “Do you have any idea how many times I dreamed about this?” He cupped her breast again, pulling her close with one arm beneath her head. “You kept me warm on a lot of damn cold nights halfway around the world.”

To his shock, her eyes filled with tears. “I was so mad at you for leaving,” she said. “For not coming to say goodbye. And then—and then—”

And then she’d thought he was dead. Gone forever. He read the anguish in her eyes.

“Shh,” he said. “I’m here, and I’m never leaving again.” He smoothed a hand down over the silky skin of her belly as he bent his head and took one nipple into his mouth. Suckling strongly, his own body pulsed in response as her back arched off the bed and her hands threaded through his hair to hold him to her.

He eased his weight over her, settling himself into the heated cove between her thighs, feeling the damp curls and the soft, soft flesh below. He couldn’t wait.

Slowly, he pushed into her, groaning at the tight, slick feel of her body clasping his. Too tight, he realized belatedly.

“Relax, baby, you’re okay.” He stopped moving and held every muscle still, though his body was screaming at him to move. Guilt ate at him. He should have been thinking of her, and instead all he’d been able to do was think about how badly he wanted to be inside her. It wasn’t even completely sexual, but something more, instinct urging him to stamp every inch of her with his scent and feel, to make her his again in the most basic way there was.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, squirming with discomfort. “I had a couple of stitches after Bridget was born and—”

“Shh,” he said, kissing away a tear that trailed from the corner of her eye. “It’ll be okay. We’re in no hurry here.”

She was taking deep, fast breaths, her breasts heaving as she fought to cooperate, and he knew he needed to help her. He didn’t want her first time after Bridget’s birth to be something she just wanted to forget.

He lifted himself a little away from her and stroked one hand between them, down her belly to the spot where they were joined. His fingers found the tiny, tender button hidden in her curls. Lightly, hoping that she would enjoy his touch, he rubbed a finger over her. And nearly had a heart attack when her body jolted involuntarily beneath his, driving him even deeper into her tight sheath.

She sucked in a sharp breath and he said, “Did you like that?”

He felt, more than saw, her nod in the darkness, so he did it again, starting a small circular pattern that massaged the little nubbin gently. Her hips began to move beneath his and he felt her muscles quiver. His own muscles were trembling with the effort it took to hold still when everything within him was urging him to thrust forward, but still he resisted. Her hips were moving steadily now, creating a delicious rhythm in time with his circling finger and he locked his jaw, holding on to his control by the slimmest of threads as her motions drew him in and out, in and out.

“Oh, yeah,” he said through clenched teeth, “Oh, baby, I’m sorry—I can’t—I can’t—”

Wait was what he’d meant to say, but he never got the chance. Without warning, she arched beneath him and he felt an incredible sensation as she came in heavy waves of completion, her inner muscles squeezing his aching flesh over and over again. Control fell away and he shoved his hips forward, then withdrew and hammered into her again.

She was still shaking and jerking beneath him as he felt his body gather, gather, gather—and then release in a hot, drenching burst of pleasure that went on and on and on until both of them lay spent, gasping for breath.

His head was on the pillow beside hers and he smiled as she turned her head and pressed her lips briefly to his.

The sweetness of the gesture humbled him. How had he left this woman without telling her that he intended to return and make her his forever? He’d been so wrapped up worrying about what he’d done to her when she was grieving and vulnerable, so determined to give her space to think, that he’d nearly lost his opportunity forever.

What if she’d met and married someone after she’d thought he’d been killed? The idea didn’t bear thinking about.

Instead, he focused on the one thing that had been nagging at him since their discussion over the weekend. “So when do you want to get married?” he asked.

He felt her smile against his throat. “Sounds like you already have a time in mind.”

“Yeah.” He snorted. “Yesterday. How long will it take to get a license here in New York, anyway?”

“I have no idea what the law is here,” she said. “Since you’ll be home this week, why don’t you find out? I assume that once we have a license we can just go to the courthouse.”

“All right. Is that what you want?” he asked. “A civil ceremony?”

She shrugged and the motion sent a pleasurable chain reaction rippling through his system. “I don’t need a big church wedding, if that’s what you’re asking. It would seem sacrilegious, given that we already have a child.” She stopped, then said, “Unless you think that would be important to your dad. Will you invite him?”

He was warmed by the concern she showed for his father’s feelings. “I’ll invite him, but I doubt Dad is about to get on a plane. Not even for that. He’s not going to care if we get married here.”

“All right.” She nodded, as if that were settled. “You find out what we need to do and we’ll set a date.”

He nodded. “Leave it to me.” Then he moved his hips experimentally and grinned when her body clenched around him. “Hmm, wonder what we can do until then?”

She laughed as she drew his head down to hers. And as he began to kiss her again, he thought of an idea for a unique wedding gift that he knew would mean a great deal to her. It was time to lay some ghosts to rest.

But he could pursue that tomorrow. Right now, he had better things to do.

A week passed, then two. They decided to get married in the first week of December, a simple ceremony at the county courthouse, and Phoebe planned ahead to take a personal day.

One evening in the beginning of November, he said, “I applied for a job in the private sector today. The thought of being stuck behind a desk working for the Department of the Army, having to move every couple of years, doesn’t appeal to me.”

She looked up from the papers she was grading. “What kind of work is it?”

He lifted a glossy dark folder that he’d been reading and passed it to her. “Private security.”

“As in being a bodyguard?” She tried not to let her dismay show. Wouldn’t a bodyguard need to live with or near his employer? Possibly travel with the individual, as well?

“Not exactly.” He smiled. “I heard about this company from a friend of mine who got out of the service and went to work for them. This firm performs a number of different specialized services. They are called in when kidnappings occur, they’re quietly hired for operations that the government wants done without any fanfare, they set up protective services for people and property. Last year they provided security for a huge gem exhibit at the Met.”

“What’s it called and where is it?” “Protective Services, Inc.” He hesitated. “The main company is located in northern Virginia, but they’re planning on starting up at least one branch operation. The first one will be in L.A.” “So we’d move back out there?” He nodded. “If you wouldn’t mind.” “No.” She smiled. “I wouldn’t mind.” Then she said, “Do you know what type of work they’d want to hire you for?”

“Actually, I’m hoping to run the whole branch,” he said. “That’s the position they need and if nothing else, being an army officer equipped me for organization.” Then he grinned again. “The Long Gray Line is everywhere.” She stared at him. “What?” “The Long Gray Line,” he repeated. “The U.S. Military Academy grads are called that because of the uniforms we wore as cadets. Graduates of West Point have networking contacts all over the world. A retired soldier who works for PSI graduated a few years ahead of me. One of Walker’s buddies talked to a friend of mine who knew I might be job hunting and word got back to them.”

“That’s amazing. You didn’t even go looking for this job, did you?”

“Not exactly. But I had already decided to take medical retirement so it might work out well. And I think I’d enjoy the challenge.” He made a wry face. “I’d be bored to death doing the same old thing over and over every day.”

“That’s one reason I enjoy teaching,” she said. “There’s always something to challenge me. A child with a special need, a new approach to try, even parent meetings are rarely boring.”

“I bet you’re a good teacher,” he said.

“I try to be. Teaching the next generation is one of the most important jobs there is, I believe.” Then she gestured at the piles of paperwork in front of her. “And speaking of jobs, I’d better get back to work on these spelling tests.”

“Ahh. Teacher talk.” His smile flashed. “It turns me on.”

Phoebe’s hand paused, as she lifted her gaze to his. “Teacher talk turns you on?”

He rose from the easy chair and began to walk toward her. “Yeah. Wanna see?”

“Wade!” She made a token effort to scoot away as he grabbed her and pulled her against his body. “I’ve got to finish grading these papers. It won’t take me long.”

He paused. “How long?”

“Not long!” She twisted her arm so that she could see the face of her watch. “Ten minutes or so.”

“Ten minutes? Sorry, can’t wait that long.”

“You’re impossible,” she said as he lowered his head and set his mouth on hers, then pulled her up against his body.

“Impossible to deter,” he muttered against her skin, kissing his way along her jaw and sucking her earlobe into his mouth, swirling his tongue around it.

She felt her knees buckle beneath the sheer delight that being in his arms always brought. Wrapping her arms around his neck, she let her head fall back as her muscles went lax. Wade took immediate advantage of the exposed slender length of her neck, sliding his mouth down the warm, silken column, nuzzling aside the scooped top of the knit shirt to nip at her collarbone. Phoebe murmured with pleasure, her body humming, response blooming inside her.

He bent and slid his arms beneath her knees, sweeping her into his arms and carrying her up the stairs. She clutched at his neck as he took the steps two at a time. “I’m too heavy for this. You’ll hurt yourself. Put me down.”

He laughed aloud. “Do you know how many pounds I used to carry up the side of a mountain? Trust me, honey, you’re not too heavy.” He paused at the top for a deep kiss, sweeping his tongue into her mouth and enticing her into exploring him as well. “Besides,” he said when he lifted his head, “when I was packing a load up a mountain, I didn’t have this kind of incentive waiting for me at the top.”

It took him only a moment to cover the steps to her bedroom, only a moment more to cross the room and set her beside the bed. Although she had steadfastly refused to allow herself to think of him during waking hours, she had dreamed of Wade over and over, even after she’d believed he was dead. But none of the dreams had ever come close to the heady reality of being in his arms. Even now, she wasn’t sure it was real sometimes.

He pulled her shirt over her head as she set her small hands to work unbuttoning his, then unhooked her bra. She paused so that he could slide it off her shoulder and toss it aside, and then, as he cupped her breasts and began to lightly rub his thumbs across the rosy nipples, her hands slowed and fell away.

He tore his gaze from the sight of the plump, beautiful mounds in his hands to look into her eyes. Heat and passion filled his gaze, and to her delight, she felt his body shudder in anticipation against her. Reluctantly, he took his hands from her and stripped off his jeans and briefs, then tugged her slacks and panties down and off in one smooth, efficient motion. He reached around her and peeled the bedcovers back before urging her down onto the cool cotton sheets.

Taking her hand, he guided it down between them to his aching length. “Help me.”

He jumped when her small hand closed around him. Savoring the silken feeling of his body, so taut and hard, she tightened her grip the way she knew he liked and stroked him once, twice and yet again. His hips lifted and thrust against her and he growled. “Tease.”

She lightly bit his shoulder. “Tell me you don’t like it and I’ll stop.”

He sounded as if he were having trouble dragging air into his lungs. “Like that’s ever going to—oh, baby, yeah.”

As she positioned him at the throbbing entrance to her body, she lifted her hips. He was hot and solid and she cried out as he surged forward, embedding himself deeply within her. Her hands clenched on his buttocks, urging him to move, and within moments they established a fast, frantic rhythm that built a blazing fire within her. His body hammered against her, creating an ever-rising tension that stretched tighter and tighter until finally it snapped. As her body bucked and writhed in his arms, and then he was hoarsely calling her name as his body stiffened and froze in a shattering climax that left him shaking and gasping for breath.

When she could breathe again, think again, she stretched up and pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “Wow.”

He snorted and chuckled. “Yeah. Wow.” He rolled to one side and pulled her into his arms and she relaxed against him, enjoying the cuddling. “I think we’ve mastered that.”

“You do? As an educator, I can tell you that research shows that even when a skill has been mastered, a certain amount of practice is necessary to reinforce the concept.”

“Is that so?” He stroked a hand gently down over her hip and lightly squeezed her bottom. “In that case, I suppose we’ll just have to keep practicing until we’re sure we’ve got it right.”

Now it was her turn to laugh. “Could take a while.”

“It could,” he agreed.

Nine

Wade had a job interview on Friday with the company out of Virginia, the specialized security firm that was setting up a new branch. He’d met the personnel director already, and today’s interview, he told Phoebe, was with the owner of the company.

“He’s going to love you.” She picked up her coffee cup as he rose to put his dishes in the dishwasher. They’d gotten into a pleasant weekday routine in which they had breakfast together before she left. He usually had some kind of start on dinner before she arrived home, which meant she got her work done faster if she’d brought any home to grade, which meant that right after Bridget went to bed, she and Wade could go to bed, also.

Or at least go to the bedroom, she amended.

Every night he made love to her, stoking the blaze between them into a raging inferno of need. She awoke in his arms in the morning to a wild sense of unreality.

She’d had more than a year to accustom herself to the idea that Wade would not be a part of her life, and during half of that time she’d believed that he was dead. Sometimes it was difficult to believe that she really could be so happy. Although happy was a pale imitation of the feelings that rioted through her when she came through the door in the evening to see him there waiting for her, holding their daughter in the crook of one muscular arm.

When he pulled her to him and kissed her senseless, she was able to silence the one niggling voice in her head that reminded her that Wade might desire her…but he didn’t love her.

“Don’t worry about Bridget,” she said. “Angie is watching her all day.”

Wade nodded. “I could be back by lunch if this doesn’t fly. If it does…it’ll be late when I get home.”

She rose on tiptoe to kiss him as he straightened his uniform, liking the way he’d said home. As if they truly were a family already. “Good luck.”

She watched as he climbed into the rental car he still had, and waved as he drove off. “I love you,” she murmured.

Would she ever be able to say it aloud? He seemed happy, and he clearly was thrilled with fatherhood. And when he touched her…well, they had no problems in that department. She smiled to herself as warmth radiated through her. But sometimes she caught him staring into space with a faraway expression on his face and she wondered what he was thinking about.

She was afraid she knew. And she was afraid to ask.

Melanie. Oh, she remembered everything that had happened the night of the reunion, the way he’d looked at her as if she were some new treasure he’d discovered—but that had been one single night. And even then, when he’d realized how upset Melanie had been, he’d been quick to pursue her.

To reassure her that there was nothing between Phoebe and him?

She would never know. Just as she would never know how much he still thought of her sister, how often his heart ached with loss.

Phoebe’s insecurities, those feelings that had dominated her interactions with her sister most of her life, reared up and grabbed her attention every once in a while, reminding her that Wade had belonged to Melanie.

Never to her.

True, Wade seemed content now. But was it the familiarity of their friendship? His new fatherhood? Guilt at leaving her pregnant and alone? She feared it might be all three.

But he’s with me now. He couldn’t make love to me like that if he didn’t care for me at least a little. Could he? Stop being a pessimist.

The school day dragged. She wondered how Wade’s interview went. She checked her mobile phone for messages several times during the day, but he hadn’t called. Although she hadn’t expected him to, she worried that things hadn’t gone well.

He probably wouldn’t call her if the interview had not been successful. For all the years that she’d known him, Wade had been an intensely private man about his deepest feelings; she suspected that if he didn’t want to talk, prying any information out of him would be next to impossible.

It wasn’t until she saw the familiar outline of her little home that her spirits rose. Bridget was in there, with Angie. The sight of her daughter, the feel of that little body snuggled into her arms, was always balm to her sad moments.

Angie was sitting cross-legged on the couch, watching an afternoon soap opera, when Phoebe came through the door. “She was great today,” Angie informed her. “I laid her down for her afternoon nap about two so she shouldn’t get up again until at least four. I put the paper and the mail on the table.”

“Thank you so much,” Phoebe said. “I really appreciate you coming on short notice.”

“Not a problem.” Angie gathered her things. “Wish me luck on my psych test.”

“Luck.” Phoebe winked and smiled at her as Angie left. She set down her bag of paperwork from the day and slipped out of her shoes, then headed for the kitchen to get a drink.

As she sipped her tea, she glanced through the mail Angie had laid on the kitchen table. She set aside two bills and the grocery store flyer that had coupons in it, tossed three offers for credit cards in the trash, and laid out two envelopes of what looked like personal missives for immediate attention.

The first was a thank-you from a fellow teacher for whom she and her coworkers had thrown a bridal shower. The second bore an unfamiliar return address in California. Curious now, she slit the envelope and extracted a single sheet of paper.

Dear Mr. Merriman,

Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) thanks you for your generous donation in memory of your loved one, Melanie Merriman. May we express our deepest condolences on your loss. Melanie sounds as if she was indeed a special young woman.

With your donation…

Bewildered, Phoebe picked up the envelope and looked more closely at the address. The sender had gotten Wade’s name wrong on the envelope: it read Wade Merriman and she hadn’t even noticed that it wasn’t for her. Additionally, a change of address label had been slapped over the original and she realized it had been forwarded from his father’s home in California.

She reread the letter—and suddenly it began to make sense, horrible sense, and the small, fragile bubble of hope she’d allowed herself to feel burst.

Wade had made a donation in Melanie’s memory—in his loved one’s memory—to a charitable organization known nationally for its education programs targeting drinking and driving. His loved one. Phoebe registered the hit to her heart as desolation spread through her and tears stung her eyes.

It wasn’t that she begrudged the money, or the thought. A part of her treasured the realization that her sister’s name had been so honored. But now there was no way she could pretend that their marriage would be anything more than a convenience.

Now she knew for sure that there was no way Wade was ever going to love her because he was still in love with her sister. She sank down in a chair at the table and reread the letter twice more. Then she realized that if the letter hadn’t been forwarded, she never would have known about the donation.

A sob escaped without warning. She clapped a hand over her mouth, but the truth confronting her wouldn’t be denied and her efforts to resist the tears were futile. She had known Wade didn’t love her. She shouldn’t be so upset by this.

But she was. Not just upset, but devastated.

How could she marry him? Her heart wasn’t going to be able to take that kind of beating day after day. She’d been kidding herself, believing that she could love him enough to make a marriage work. Even for the sake of her sweet baby girl sleeping upstairs, she couldn’t do it.

At that thought, another sob welled up and tears began to stream down her face. Giving in to her misery, she laid her head down on her arms and cried.

Wade let himself into the house, wondering where Phoebe was. The baby monitor on the end table was silent, so she wasn’t in Bridget’s room. Could she be napping? Doubtful. He had yet to see her sleep during the day. Maybe she had taken Bridget out in the yard.

He crossed the living room and headed into the kitchen—and stopped short as he caught sight of her. She was slumped in a chair with her arms on the table, her head buried. Fear gripped him. “Phoebe! Sweetheart, what’s the matter?” He rushed forward. Was she ill? Dear God, had something happened to Bridget? Panic nearly stopped his heart. “God, what’s wrong? Is it Bridget?”

He knelt beside her chair and put an arm around her shoulders to hug her to him—and she exploded out of the chair halfway across the kitchen.

“Don’t,” she said between sobs. “Just—don’t.” She fumbled in a drawer for a tissue then turned away, her shoulders shaking with misery. “Bridget’s fine.”

A huge wave of relief swamped him momentarily, only to rush back as he realized she hadn’t told him anything about herself. “Then what is it? Are you…” He could barely bear to utter the word. “Sick?”

She whipped back around at that, immediately grasping what he was asking. Her mother had gotten sick and died; so had his. “Oh, no, Wade. There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Except that there was. Her eyes were swollen from crying, her nose pink. She blotted her eyes and blew her nose while he stood. “Then…what?” he finally managed to ask.

She tried to smile, but her lips trembled and she quickly abandoned the effort. “I can’t marry you.”

What? “Why?” It was the most obvious question and he was too confused to think of a better one.

She sighed. “I just can’t. It wouldn’t be fair.”

Fair to whom? “What the hell are you talking about?” Heat rose. He knew his tone was too rough, too angry, but—”Dammit, you scared me half to death! I thought something happened to Bridget or you. And now you tell me you won’t marry me but you won’t tell me why?”