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“I know how to watch my back. I’m the only one that ever has.”
India Maxwell hasn’t just moved across the country—she’s plummeted to the bottom rung of the social ladder. It’s taken years to cover the mess of her home life with a veneer of popularity. Now she’s living in one of Boston’s wealthiest neighborhoods with her mom’s fiancé and his daughter, Eloise. Thanks to her soon-to-be stepsister’s clique of friends, including Eloise’s gorgeous, arrogant boyfriend, Finn, India feels like the one thing she hoped never to be seen as again: trash.
But India’s not alone in struggling to control the secrets of her past. Eloise and Finn, the school’s golden couple, aren’t all they seem to be. In fact, everyone’s life is infinitely more complex than it first appears. And as India grows closer to Finn and befriends Eloise, threatening the facades that hold them together, what’s left are truths that are brutal, beautiful and big enough to change them forever...
From New York Times bestselling author Samantha Young comes a story of friendship, identity and acceptance that will break your heart—and make it whole again.
The Impossible Vastness of Us
Samantha Young
“What is it you’re hiding?” I asked.
“I can’t tell you. Please just trust me.”
Hurt swept through me
but I tamped it down. It wasn’t
my place to demand Finn’s secrets.
My frustration was suddenly
mirrored in his eyes.
“I wish things were different.”
But they weren’t.
I didn’t know if I was angry
at Finn or just angry that nothing
ever seemed to be easy for me.
Everything was always a fight...
SAMANTHA YOUNG is a New York Times bestselling author who resides in Scotland. Her novels have been published in thirty countries. When Samantha’s not writing books, she’s reading them. Or she’s shoe shopping.
For my amazing agent, Lauren Abramo.
You were my very wise guide on this journey.
It is a tale that would have been quite different without you.
Thank you, my friend.
Contents
Cover
Back Cover Text
Title Page
Introduction
About the Author
Dedication
CHAPTER 1
CHAPTER 2
CHAPTER 3
CHAPTER 4
CHAPTER 5
CHAPTER 6
CHAPTER 7
CHAPTER 8
CHAPTER 9
CHAPTER 10
CHAPTER 11
CHAPTER 12
CHAPTER 13
CHAPTER 14
CHAPTER 15
CHAPTER 16
CHAPTER 17
CHAPTER 18
CHAPTER 19
CHAPTER 20
CHAPTER 21
CHAPTER 22
CHAPTER 23
CHAPTER 24
CHAPTER 25
CHAPTER 26
CHAPTER 27
EPILOGUE
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Copyright
CHAPTER 1
“AND WHAT IS THIS?”
Jay and I broke apart from our kiss to find Hayley standing in the doorway. She stood looking young and attractive in her black-and-gold flight attendant uniform, glaring at us.
Her dark brown hair was pulled back in a severe bun that only accentuated her high cheekbones and big dark eyes. Hayley was really pretty and I’d been told I looked a lot like her. Except for the eyes. I had his eyes. People told me all the time how amazing my eyes were. I would have given anything for Hayley’s eyes.
I knew without a doubt that my looks were one of the reasons Jay James couldn’t quite give up on trying to get into my pants. Not that I was cynical or anything.
Jay was a year older than me, smart, but a total bad boy. Tattoos, check. Piercings, check. Motorcycle, check. Every girl in my school wanted a piece of him and for whatever reason he liked me.
We had been making out on my couch for about ten minutes. Jay had nice lips and I’d hoped that when he kissed me I’d feel something other than the wet touch of mouth and tongue against mouth and tongue.
The romance novels I’d found stashed in Hayley’s closet said I was supposed to feel all hot and tingly.
Kissing was supposed to be exciting.
I didn’t find it all that exciting. “Nice” was about as good as kissing had gotten for me. And as always my mind wandered due to the lack of excitement. This time it had wandered to Hayley. She was up to something. I knew it. As a flight attendant she was away a lot, but her trips were longer than usual. She was also acting weird and shifty, hiding her phone from me when it buzzed with a notification, and having whispered conversations in her bedroom. Something was up. I just hoped that something wasn’t a guy.
It was like my wayward thoughts had conjured her.
“This is Jay,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest in defiance at the stern look on her face.
I hated when she acted like she gave a crap.
“I don’t care who he is.” Hayley tried to fry his ass with her eyes. “You can leave.”
Jay stared back at her with as much defiance as I did, making me like him more. He turned to me and pressed a slow, intimate kiss to the corner of my mouth. “See you at school, babe.”
He laughed at the mischief in my eyes.
I waited until he’d brushed by Hayley without a word and I heard the front door close behind him. “Nice. Thanks.”
Hayley’s dark eyes narrowed into slits. “Don’t talk to me like that. I’m tired, it’s been a long day and now I come home and find my daughter being mauled by some walking hormone. Am I supposed to be happy that you’re dating some guy who looks like he’s seen the inside of prison more than once?”
“We’re not dating. We’re just fooling around.”
“Oh, well, then, why am I so upset?” She threw her hands up in exasperation.
“Hayley.”
She flinched, like she always flinched when I called her by her name (so she flinched a lot). “Don’t ‘Hayley’ me. I have a right to be upset about this.”
“Don’t be. I’m not serious about him. And I’m not getting pregnant. Anyway, you’re home early.”
“They put me on a shorter flight.” She dumped her purse on the couch as she moved farther into the room. “We’ll discuss Jay later. I need to tell you something.”
I tensed. “Yeah?”
She stared pensively at me for a few seconds before finally taking a seat by my side. “I’ve met someone.”
Dread instantly filled me.
Scrutinizing me for a reaction and getting none, Hayley smiled reassuringly. “He’s wonderful. His name is Theo and he has a daughter who’s actually your age. He lives in Boston. We met on one of my flights out there.”
My stomach churned. “How long?”
“Several months ago.”
“I knew something was going on,” I muttered.
“I’m sorry I kept it from you for so long... I just wanted to make sure it was real between us.”
“And is it?”
“Very much so. We’ve fallen in love.”
“That’s some long-distance relationship.”
“I stay with him when I fly out there. I see him as often as possible.”
I snorted. “And you think he’s faithful all the times you’re not around?”
“Don’t.” She cut a hand through the air. “Those are your trust issues, India. Not mine.”
My blood boiled with indignation. She was completely naive if she thought for one second this guy wasn’t a loser. She had chosen badly before, after all. I had a right to the dread that was making me feel sick.
“I just wanted to give you a heads-up that it’s serious.”
“What does that even mean?”
“It means that if this is going where I think it’s going, then that might mean a big life change for us.”
Oh, hell.
I stared at her in horror.
Hayley sighed wearily at the expression I wasn’t even trying to conceal. “I’m going to make a cup of tea. I’m tired so we’ll talk about Jay another time.” She turned but then stopped to stare sadly at me. “Thanks for being so happy for me, by the way.”
That didn’t even deserve a response.
There was a time Hayley couldn’t give a damn about my happiness. I felt it only fair that I feel apathetic now about hers.
* * *
“So wait, what does that mean?” Anna stared at me with big round eyes. “Are you, like, moving to Boston?”
Thursday. Days after Hayley dropped her bombshell that included a possible “big life change for us.” She’d left for Boston on Tuesday, and I’d barely heard from her. This lack of communication had finally made me tell Anna what was going on.
I leaned against my locker, glaring at the opposite wall. Unfortunately, said locker was situated right next to the guys’ bathroom, which meant enduring Eau de Teenage Turd every day. “I have no idea.”
“That’s what she meant, though, right?”
“Probably.”
“Why aren’t you freaking out more?” She stood directly in front of me now, hands on her hips as she glared up at me. “I’m freaking out!” She flapped her arms around. “Freak out with me!”
“Why are you freaking out?” Siobhan said as she, Kiersten and Tess stopped by my locker. “Is it because Leanne Ingles looks like a walking thrift store today?” she called out loud enough for Leanne Ingles to hear as she passed us. I watched Leanne turn bright red and felt my blood heat.
“Don’t be a bitch,” I snapped at Siobhan.
“I’m just saying, terrible dress, ugly mess.”
“You were being horrible.” And it was hardly the first time. If it were up to Siobhan she’d rule the school with terror and meanness.
“Whatever.” She sighed. “Why are you freaking out, Anna? And why are you doing it in front of India’s locker? This whole area should be quarantined.” She wrinkled her nose at the bathroom doors.
“Lunch,” I stated firmly before pushing off my locker door. I strode away, knowing they’d follow.
I heard their footsteps and suddenly I had Anna on my right, Siobhan on my left and Kiersten and Tess right at my back.
“So?” Siobhan nudged me with her elbow. “What is Anna flipping out over?”
“India’s mom might be moving them to Boston!”
The girls shot me stunned looks at Anna’s outburst, but I ignored them as I also tried to ignore the swarm of butterflies in my stomach.
“Boston?” Siobhan gasped. “No. Ugh.”
Siobhan was a California girl. As far as she was concerned there was sunny CA and then there was the rest of the world. I almost grinned at her disgust.
“You’ll so lose your tan,” Tess said sympathetically.
I glanced at her over my shoulder. “And that’s my biggest concern?”
“No, her biggest concern is Jay,” Kiersten insisted. “You can’t leave Jay. He’s totally in love with you.”
I wanted to roll my eyes at the fairy tale Kiersten had obviously been weaving in her head these last few weeks. “No, he’s not.” I shook my head and looked forward. “And that’s not my biggest concern, either.”
“Her biggest concern is leaving me,” Anna huffed.
Actually, the answer was none of the above. The truth was my biggest concern was the dude we would be moving to Boston for. But Anna was definitely up there, too. If there was anyone in my life that I truly cared about, it was her. I had lied to her about my past, I had kept my secrets and I didn’t really tell her what was going on in my head most of the time, but I gave her more of me than I gave to anyone else. It didn’t bother her, either. Our friendship was based on the fact that she trusted me. I’m a vault. Anna knew she could tell me anything without fear that I’d gossip about it. I had seen her through her parents’ really freaking messed-up divorce and the fallout—she had sex for the first time when she was only fourteen and she was too young. It was a difficult time for her and I was there. Not judging her. Just being there.
It meant a lot to her.
She’d be sad if I left her.
I’d worry about her without me.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I told her, wishing I felt as confident as I sounded.
“Hey, India.” A group of juniors waved as they headed into the caf.
I threw them a smile and followed them in.
“Remember we have our first dance committee meeting this afternoon,” I reminded the girls. “We have to start planning Winter Formal.”
“I don’t even see the point in organizing the vote for Winter Snow Queen this year. We all know you’re going to win.” Kiersten’s voice held more than a hint of envy.
I shrugged, but I couldn’t argue. There was more than a passing possibility that my classmates would vote to make me queen.
If there was one thing I’d mastered more than any of my classes, it was the art of being well-liked. I wasn’t rich, I wasn’t snooty, I didn’t judge people and I had the ability to hide how different I felt from everybody else. I made an effort and I tried to be friends with people from all cliques. I was on the school newspaper. I was on the debate team. I was on the girls’ soccer team. I was the theater manager.
I was really, really busy.
And that was just the way I liked it. Needed it actually. Being popular wasn’t about the attention. It was about the control it gave me. It was much harder to be hurt, and much harder to lose the game, when I held all the right cards. I was the most popular girl in junior year, and if Hayley didn’t ruin everything by moving us to the east coast, I’d be ruling the school next year.
After standing in line for food that resembled something a cat might throw up we settled down at our usual table.
“Is someone going to fill me in on the whole Boston thing?” Siobhan asked, a gleam in her eyes.
Siobhan was captain of the girls’ soccer team, pretty, smart and rich. As far as she was concerned I was sitting in her seat. I bet she was secretly thrilled I might be taking off for Boston.
“Hayley met someone there. It might be serious.”
“That sucks. Sorry,” Tess said.
“Hey, it’s Hayley. They’ll probably break up in a week.”
“Seriously, if you move to Boston I’m moving with you.” Anna’s expression was glum as she stared at her sandwich.
“Eat.” I nudged her elbow.
“You and food.” She sighed but picked up the sandwich.
I bit into my own and stared around the cafeteria, drinking it all in. I really hoped this time next year I’d still be sitting right where I was now.
In life’s driver’s seat.
As if Hayley heard my inner longing, my phone buzzed in my pocket, and when I pulled it out there was a text from her.
I need you home after school. We need to talk. xx
The sandwich turned to dirt in my mouth but I kept eating. I chewed slowly as my chest started to feel a little tight.
“India, you okay?”
I swallowed hard and shoved my phone toward Anna. “I think I’m moving to Boston.”
She paled and looked down at the text. “Shit.”
* * *
I stared out at the Fair Oaks High School parking lot, more aware of the fast thump of my heart in my chest than I had been during soccer practice. Practice had run a little late and I knew Hayley was probably getting antsy.
I felt nauseous but it was time to face the music so I took out my phone and called her.
“Where are you?” she said instead of “Hello.”
“Soccer practice ran late and Siobhan had a dentist appointment so she couldn’t give me a ride home.”
“Damn, I forgot you had practice. I’m on my way.”
Lowering myself to the curb, I flicked through my phone, checking social media and answering notifications. Anna had sent me a Snapchat. It was a picture of an ice pop with the Boston Red Sox logo Photoshopped onto it. Over the picture she had scrawled a message.
Tell Hayley to suck it! YOU’RE NOT MOVING TO BOSTON! Xoxo
I smiled grimly and waited.
When Hayley arrived I got into the car without a word and we drove home to the apartment in silence. Once inside, Hayley finally spoke.
“I thought we could do takeout tonight.”
We couldn’t afford to do take-out nights all the time. Take-out nights were reserved for birthdays and the last night of school summer vacation. Sometimes even Thanksgiving.
Something was up. “Aren’t you supposed to be on a flight somewhere right about now?”
She shrugged, avoiding my gaze as she wandered into the kitchen.
I followed her, watching as she pulled take-out menus out of our kitchen drawer.
“What do you want? Chinese, Indian, Thai, Lebanese?”
“I want to get this ‘talk’ over with.”
Hayley regarded me, taking in my tension and the hard look in my eyes. Finally she sighed. “This is good news, India. Truly it is.”
“Just say it.”
“Theo proposed. I said yes. And we don’t want to wait. We’re getting married this December.”
My mouth dropped open. “I haven’t even met him!”
She pinched the bridge of her nose at my shout. “And that would be a concern if you were younger. But you’re starting junior year. You’re sixteen. Before we know it, you’ll be going off to college.” She stepped toward me and grabbed my hand. I let her squeeze it. “And, sweetheart, you can go to any college you want now.”
“How?”
“Theo is...well, he’s wealthy. And he’s already made it perfectly clear that he wants the very best for me, and that means the very best for you.”
“Are you trying to buy my acceptance of this whole ridiculous thing? You are aware that this isn’t normal, right?”
Hayley dropped my hand. “Don’t be melodramatic. I just want you to know that, yes, of course it will be difficult to leave behind school and your friends here and move to Massachusetts, but the upside is that we’ll never have another financial worry in our lives. Ever.”
Jesus, how wealthy was this guy?
As if she read the question on my face, Hayley smiled dreamily. “He’s an incredibly well-respected attorney from a wealthy family. Boston’s elite.”
“And he’s marrying you?”
“Nice,” she snapped. “Very nice.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” I shrugged. “I just... I thought those people stuck to their own.”
“Usually. But Theo doesn’t care about that stuff. He just wants to marry the woman he loves.” She waved away my negativity with a shake of her hair over her shoulders. “He married a well-to-do woman, and they had a daughter, Eloise, before she died of cancer a few years ago. He hasn’t been serious about another woman since, until me.”
“Oh my God.” I shook my head in disgust. “You think you’re living in a fairy tale.”
“Don’t talk to me like that.”
“You’re hauling me across the country to move in with some guy I’ve never met!” I heard the hysteria creep into my voice, but couldn’t seem to stop it. “Let’s remember the last guy you chose that I had to live with. Or have you already forgotten?”
Understanding dawned on Hayley’s face. It was shocking that I even had to say it out loud. A good mother would have known exactly why I was taking this so hard. “Oh, sweetheart.” She moved toward me but stopped when I flinched back. “Theo is not like him. Not anything like him. I’m not a stupid kid anymore. I wouldn’t make that mistake again.”
I stared at the floor, trying to will my heart rate to slow. I could barely hear anything over the whooshing of blood in my ears.
I started at Hayley’s touch and looked up. She’d decided to ignore my body language and cross the room to take hold of my arms. She ducked her face to stare into my eyes.
“No one,” she whispered fiercely, “no one will hurt you. I promise.”
Liar.
LIAR.
LIAR!
The scream rang out inside of me but somehow I swallowed it.
This was happening.
She was taking my control away.
I slumped beneath her touch, dropped my eyes from the promises in hers and nodded. She kissed my forehead and squeezed my arms.
“Why do we have to move? If he has so much money, why can’t he move here?”
“Because it’s not like he’s a lawyer who can move to another firm. He owns the firm. Plus, Eloise goes to a very good school in Boston. It just makes more sense for us to move there.”
“We’re two weeks into the semester already. What about my classes?”
“Classes at your new school don’t start until next week. By the time you start there it will be the end of September, which means you’ll only have a missed a few weeks of classes instead of a month.
“Sweetie, this is going to be the best thing that’s ever happened to either of us. And didn’t you hear the part about Theo being a lawyer? I know you want to work in the district attorney’s office one day. Theo can open doors for you there.”
I was stunned she’d even considered that for me. I wanted to put criminals behind bars where they belonged, and so I didn’t want to just study to be a lawyer, I wanted more. I wanted to work my way into the district attorney’s office one day, and in my secret heart of hearts...I wanted to be the DA. I didn’t realize Hayley had actually listened to me about my career aspirations.
But still... I wanted to do it on my own. I didn’t want to depend on anyone to get me there, especially not Hayley’s new sugar daddy.
* * *
Fries. Pop-Tarts. Cap’n Crunch. A Hershey’s bar. Burger. With cheese. I really like cheese. And mustard and ketchup on top. SpaghettiOs with little hot dogs cut up into it. Like Mommy used to make.
Stop thinking of food.
I can’t even cry. It would hurt too much to cry. Take too much effort.
Too cold. The shower in our tiny bathroom in the trailer wasn’t the best place to sleep. I had water. But the water was starting to hurt my tummy.
How long had it been? I needed food.
I tried to get out but he’d done something to stop the door opening on the other side and I could see he’d boarded up the tiny window above the sink.
Sleepiness kept coming for me.
I was so tired of thinking about food.
Just be sleepy.
I heard the stomping of feet outside the door.
A cracking sound.
I felt a sudden tingle of warmth over my face.
“Open your eyes, Trash.”
I opened my eyes.
He glared at me from the narrow doorway. “Punishment is over. I’m sick of using Carla’s bathroom.”
My mouth felt dusty. Dry. Gritty. Like our road outside in the hot summer.
“Well?” He grabbed my arm and hauled me up. It hurt more than usual. “Get the fuck out.”
He let me go and I fell against the door frame, then slumped to the ground.
My legs didn’t work right, I thought, panicked.
Suddenly pain flared up my side and I turned.
He drew his foot back from contact with my hip. “I said get the fuck out.”
Somehow I managed to crawl.
The bathroom door slammed shut behind me. I lay on the floor of our kitchen, staring up at the cupboards.
Finally I whimpered.
There was food. But I was too tired to reach for it.
* * *
I WAS TOLD WHEN I GET OLDER ALL MY FEARS WOULD SHRINK!
I shot awake at the blaring sound of Twenty One Pilots coming from my phone. My alarm. Fumbling for the phone, I turned off the alarm and sat back.
My body was coated in sweat.
I hadn’t had a nightmare like that in a long time but it didn’t take Freud to figure out why the bad dreams were back.
After all, in a couple of weeks I was moving all the way across the country to live with a man I’d never even met.