Theory of emotional relativity. Practical guide to the development of awareness and emotional intelligence
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How do leading needs form? Where do they originate?
First of all, each person has all three psychological needs. As an analogy we can draw your attention to the body needs, which are more obvious and understandable. We have a need to sleep, a need to eat, a need to breathe, all of them are vital. It’s impossible to decide what’s best for you – sleeping or eating, breathing or drinking. It is all necessary for survival. But! Having a certain level of satisfaction, when you cope with the satisfaction of all these needs, you will give preference to one of them. You can bother more about what you eat than whether your sleep is full, and the other person will not pay so much attention to food (it doesn’t matter if he eats or not), but will take care of his healthy dream: “If I sleep well, I won’t care whether I eat or not, I’ll have a good mood, I’ll feel good.”
Psychological needs work in the same way. One person may be indifferent what others think of him, what kind of relationships he has with his colleagues, what he is wearing. A coffee stain on trousers, a dingy yesterday shirt for someone can be nonsense, and someone can bother so much about his look that he will not leave the house in this form. These are our inner preferences.
As a rule, a hierarchy among needs arises genetically, i.e. there is a certain predisposition as a result of events that took place before our birth. It is usually said about children: “He looks like his grandmother / grandfather / mother / father”, i.e. there is a certain similarity of characters with a member of the family system, there is a certain transmission of information through genes. This genetic predisposition to a certain temperament, and therefore to certain needs, comes from birth.
And then the period of childhood and education that parents give us comes into force. We are brought up at the level of beliefs, thoughts that our parents offer us every day, talking about this, declaring some values, ideas, meanings. And it is inserted into us very clearly, as if it doesn’t exist in other way.
For example, parents broadcast to the child that it is not necessary to make a bed every day, but when guests come to the house, the bed needs to be made up. It means it’s not important whether you make the bed or not it’s important what people say. This belief is quite safe in the context of the bed, but it is insensibly woven into other contexts of life. No matter what you think and feel, the main thing is how it looks in the eyes of others. And then a person in an effort to receive acceptance and approval may contradict his desires and principles.
If a child was born with a leading need for love, he will pay a lot of attention to relationships with other people, be interested in creative work, will strive to decorate the space where he lives, he will pay attention to his appearance. But if the parent has a leading need for security, he sees danger everywhere and every day he says to the child: “Caution! You may hit here. Do not go there, there may be a deep puddle. Around the corner you are waiting for an evil man. A monster will come for you. Trust no man”, and with the passing of time, having a leading need for love, the need for security becomes the next in the hierarchy. And the values from the security group will also become important, because the person was taught this way, these values were inserted into him. The experience gained in childhood is personal, this experience had already existed in your life before your birth.
For at least 12 years, our psychological needs and their satisfaction lie entirely in the responsibility of the parents.
To grow their children, it is important to create a safe space, an atmosphere of acceptance and opportunities for achievement.
is a feeling that there are enough resources to cope with any situation that may arise (there is always something to eat, there is where to sleep, the doors in the house are closed). The internal routine in the family also creates a sense of security: we go to bed at a certain time, we have dinner at a certain time, etc. If you don’t have enough money, resources for safety, if your parent is constantly under pressure and anxious, thinks where to get money to buy food, shoes, textbooks, then, of course, this situations affects a child’s life (and there are also situations in which parents do not care about these things, i.e. the child is left alone with these problems). In this case, the need for security becomes very urgent for him, and an adult child will think about it all his life, even when he has all the resources to compensate for his childhood experience. • Safe space
– it is a feeling that you are exactly the very person as your parent imagined in the most beautiful dreams. Any free time is given to me and a parent’s face has a slight smile and a gentle, friendly, interested look. A sense of unity, communication through joint activities, praise, a sense of self-worth and exclusivity in the life of the parent. If the child is not paid attention, shoved by one, the other nanny, then the need for love and acceptance is not satisfied, the child does not receive communication with the parents. • Love, acceptance
To satisfy a child’s , parents must create a space in which he understands that he is doing something what he is able to do. It is worth giving small tasks for a child to help him to demonstrate his independence, improve and cultivate self-esteem. Children of 2—3 years old are trying to get the pots off the table, stir something on their own, sweep, carry. Boys of 7—9 years old want to hammer a nail, saw off something on their own. Girls of 7—9 years old want to cook, sew, clean. If parents create such a space for the child, he gets the experience “I can. I manage to do it by myself. I am independent” – this directly refers to respect. Often adults ask the child what he wants to do, where he wants to go, offer a choice of purchases, etc. If at the same time the adult does not listen to his opinion, this attitude shows disrespect. Therefore, if you are ready to give responsibility to the child for something, so that he feels more mature, more meaningful, so do as he said, as he chose. After all, it often happens that the choice of a child does not coincide with those criteria that the adult determined himself, as a result it turns out that his opinion is not important. Children, through their desire to be adults, may begin to demand something, to discuss, but this, ultimately, will not be useful for them. Up to 12 years old, important, big decisions should not be given to children, it is better to act as wizards and create space for them in a magical way, without involving them in all kinds of household activities (for example, buying furniture, choosing a school, choosing a place for spending vacations). A very cool space to content the need for respect is sports, dancing, creativity. These are areas where there are results and they are obvious. All sports clubs organize competitions where the child gets the obvious results – whether he was able or not, whether he succeeded or not. Thus, a child can give himself feedback in an adult way, because respect is always associated with a certain completed action. The competition system is loyal to children, almost always all participants receive medals or certificates. By the way, certificates on the wall or a place of honor at home with awards – this is what gradually creates a base of respect. At the end of stage performances, there are always recordings; after the concert, the child feels the process is complete and at home he can review how it was. • need for respect
In conclusion we summarize the forming conditions of a leading psychological need:
1. Genetic predisposition.
2. Education and the process of growing up.
We are born with a certain type of personality, i.e. with some predispositions, and we acquire the level of personality development as we get older. When parents educate us in some way, a certain level of development is formed. The level of personality development depends on the process of growing up. We go into adulthood, each of us do it at different time, someone at 18, someone at 20, 25, or 40 – this is an individual process. We come out the parent system as a formed personality, and further we can develop ourselves independently. The further contentment of our needs is only our responsibility. Dad and mom did everything they could. It is worth accepting that they did everything right as much as they could do. In order to be happy, you need to be able to value your life on the conditions under which we got it and with the conditions of growing up that we were.
Depending on leading psychological needs, the valuesrelating to this need are in the limelight.A Great Delusion
Many people unconsciously actually devote their whole lives to satisfying their leading psychological need. Someone is throwing all his strength into creating external conditions that allow them to feel safe. For others, the meaning of life is the search for another person and love. Someone’s life is dedicated to seeking outward recognition and respect. But such a path, such a meaning of life is almost always pure Utopia. It is impossible to become happy by satisfying only your leading need. As the need is leading, we have a conviction in our subconscious that this is the most important thing in life, we make all efforts to get this satisfaction, and whatever you do, you have the feeling that it is not enough. The paradoxical way out is the satisfaction of another, not leading psychological need, this is a necessary condition for . personal growth
How does it work?
If a person has the leading , there is an illusive idea that a happy life will begin only when he organizes a stable life full of material resources, when he is supported by trusty partners, when he collects all the necessary information, when he double-checks everything. And only then he will become calm and a happy life will begin. • need for security
However, a person can fully satisfy the need for security only when he refuses it for some time and takes bold steps towards his goals (for this they need to be known and set). Having achieved these goals, first of all he will satisfy the need for respect. Step by step, cultivating your self-respect, at one moment you realize that you are big, you have a lot of internal resources, you can cope with everything, you become an authority for yourself, and suddenly that same security comes to you that you needed so much. And then you begin to build relationships with loved ones in an adult way, stop being afraid to fall into some kind of dependence, you find a safe connection in these relationships, you want and are ready to take responsibility and bear it. At the same time, you decide what you will be responsible for and easily give up responsibility that you do not want to bear, without fear of losing the support of authority.
A sense of security arises inside, a longing for it outside leaves. If you have ever met people who are filled with inner strength and tranquility, you probably noticed that you want to create relationships with them and go towards the common goals because “They will do to take along!” (such people are very reliable)
If a person has the leading need for love, there is a deceptive idea that you can find a person for whom you will be exceptional, who will endlessly look at you and will devote all his free time only to you. •
This is also a kind of Utopia, it is impossible to achieve such relationships, they can only be reached by rejecting them, which is paradoxical. Often the way out of such a utopian thinking lies in satisfying the need for security. When you can say to yourself: “You are like others. So, you have enough power inside to cope with everything, like other people”, you turn your attention to other aspects of life. When you redistribute your attention and organize your life in such a way that you can cope with it by yourself (at least at the level of simple survival: to have a job that will provide your minimum needs, take care of your health, be able to relax, constantly learn to go up with the times), then a person appears in your space who doesn’t have a desire to get love from him, and he begins to want to be near you in this safe space.
Love arises within, the longing desire to receive it from the outside leaves. In this case, a strong developing connection arises in the relationship, because energy is redistributed. Otherwise, if all energy is directed only to one sphere of life, it turns out to be too much a burden for another person and literally strangles him, limits his freedom. If you have ever met creative people who learn to look at life in a realistic and pragmatic way, who can organize their own comfort, you probably noticed that you just want to be with them, live and build your life with them.
, a person unconsciously believes that if others respect him, then I myself can respect. A person who is striving to meet the need for respect spends his time and energy maximally to prove to the whole world: “I am big. I am significant. Listen to me. Here are just my rules.” • With a leading need for respect
But no matter how much he does, he does not come to the conclusion that he is truly an authority for everyone around him. There will always be some person who can devalue your influence, your achievements, and this will always be perceived painfully. Here the solution lies through shifting one’s attention to satisfying the need for love. First of all, love for yourself, perhaps for that part of yourself that you consider small and fragile. Building close relationships redistributes excessive energy directed towards respect and achievement. When you really know how to respect yourself from within, to respect your weakness and your strength, relaxation appears, this is a completely different level of life quality. Respect arises within, a longing desire to get it outside leaves. If you have ever met people who are worthy of respect and respect themselves, as a rule, they do not seek to prove anything to anyone, they are calm and very sincere. A strong person who respects himself has the courage to be sincere even in front of a wide audience. Sincerity is a value that satisfies the need for love, and it is through love we come to a sufficient level of respect.
When you excessively want to be very strong, this can only mean one thing – you want to hide your weakness, because a strong person does not reflect on how strong he is. A brave man does not say that he is not afraid of anything, he simply does not think about it. A person who loves himself does not bother with how he looks in the eyes of others.
Value-forming
The information above is more about the formation of actual needs. Values, in fact, are people, objects and objects in the outside world that can somehow satisfy our need.
Values were formed in the process of choosing strategies with which we learned to satisfy our needs. Parents offered us some strategies in the process of upbringing, others we developed on our own in order to cope with life.
A habitual strategy or pattern is a usual, constantly repeating way of thinking, acting and handling emotions. It means that in thinking, emotional response and behavior there are repeating patterns, we are doing the same things over and over again, despite the fact that situations can change. For example, if I’m used to suppressing my emotions, this is my strategy for using emotions. They “stepped on my foot”, and I think: “Well, that’s okay.” On the subconscious, with the help of such a strategy, the need for security is satisfied – “I will tolerate, and I will not cause a conflict or scandal.”
All our strategies (and therefore values) appear for a reason, they are developed as a result of the fact that you got what you needed by behaving in a specific way at some moment of your life. You needed security, behaved “as quiet as a lamb” and nothing bad happened – it means success! This is how a successful strategy for satisfying security needs is formed. And if your parents, grandparents used this strategy, then your attempts to act differently in order to satisfy the need for security will subconsciously mean the fear of death. When you go beyond such a behavior, you will feel such discomfort that you will always want to go back, do it the way your parents did.
It is very difficult to overstep an established strategy of behavior, for this you need a high level of awareness and will.
For example, you want to realize yourself in a professional activity, and at business meetings you sit quietly and are afraid to express your opinion, promote an idea. By such behavior, such a strategy, you hardly take a leadership position. And if you have far-reaching plans and they include leadership activities, then you will have to raise your hand and say, “I want to express my opinion on such an issue.” In order to start declaring, you will have to give up security for some time. At first, your voice will be shy and diffident (thus, fear affects the ability to speak), but the more you force yourself to take this step with your willpower, the more likely that a new strategy will take root. You declared yourself once, you already have one fact that nothing bad happened, the more such confirmations will be, the greater the chances will be.
Asserting yourself, expressing your opinion is unsafe. This is just about what was discussed above – you need to give up a little security for a while in order to get more. When you asserted yourself and received the support of a leader, you get a large portion of security. When you repeat this 5-10-20 times, they will tell you: “You are good at your work, you have leadership abilities and you are an initiative person.” A leadership position implies an increasing level of responsibility, which, again, is unsafe, but at the same time, you get more resources for this responsibility, therefore, there is more security.
In this example:
• Need – Security
• Value – peace of mind
• The strategy is to sit and not to push yourself forward
• The way out of the situation is through the need for respect:
goal setting a.
development of a new model of behavior b.
repetition of actions from a new model of behavior c.
• New value – professionalism
• Strategies for getting it – assert yourself
The goal setting in our example is to assert oneself, to become more significant. When we consciously set such a goal, automatically the values of the need for respect take higher priority. Then you need to be strong, your voice should become louder, you should speak bluntly (the strategy of smoothing corners is not about respect, but about security), you should have your opinion, your vision, you must have goals. All of the mentioned values are about respect. When you draw up such a plan of action for yourself, the values come out of the need for respect, and as a result, your need for security is satisfied to a greater extent, instead of little security you will get much security.
Security. Strategies and Values
Let’s look at the values from the need for security. What makes our life safer? What is valuable when security is relevant right now? This is what will bring more peace to life – these are resources. They can be tangible and intangible.
Values from the need for security:
• It is important to have money in my pocket, in some sufficient amount for peace of mind. It is important to know that I have enough money to eat tomorrow, in two days, and preferably in two months. The longer this period of calm will be, the better it will be for me. Money.
• I must understand that I have enough knowledge and possess the necessary material to cope with a specific job. It is important for me to know what will happen tomorrow. All that concerns information is about the need for security. A simple example: you have a sore leg, you haven’t got enough a body resource. Lack of body resources is a direct hit in the zone of need for security, you have anxiety or even fear, the first thing you do is to start googling. It means that fear makes you search for information. When you have enough information, you feel calmer. Of course, there is a trap – the Internet offers you an infinite amount of information, sometimes contradictory, sometimes about the worst thing that can happen, and then the level of anxiety can turn into a panic, so in such cases it is great if there are reliable sources of information. Information.
• If we don’t learn anything new for a long time, if we don’t get new resources, at some point our anxiety level will begin to increase. Previous resources are being depleted, the world is moving forward, and you get the feeling that you are not fit, that you do not know something from what you may need at the moment or literally tomorrow. And then again you start looking for new information. Development.
• This value has a high priority of security needs. It becomes even more important if a person does not have a very confident adult position. In this case, he wants to find a “parent” (a better parent than your own), i.e. there is a certain authority under whose wing you can hide, someone you can ask for advice that indicates in which direction to act, how to act right and wrong. Such a life expert nearby allows you to get rid yourself of responsibility and to stand on your feet more firmly. Confidence appears: “If I am together with him, get his support, I will be safe, because I objectively see that this person is smart, strong, he has a lot of resources, he copes with life”. Support.
It is important to note that the values of the need for security are the most controversial. On the one hand some things may be a source of security, on the other hand they may be a source of danger. For example, authority can simultaneously protect you from the outside world, give you support, but at the same time you can completely fall under his influence and your level of freedom will be very low (this is not safe at all!). In such situations, a lot of doubts arises.
It’s worth paying attention to the theme of people communication with the same leading need for security and difficulties, which appear in such relationships.
➤ The Value Conflict
For both of them, freedom (value) will be important, that freedom which is WITHOUT responsibility, without expectations, without obligations. At the same time, both of them will be interested in information (value) about each other (what will happen tomorrow? What are our plans? What will we do? What will we eat?). Two people with the same leading need, in principle, should understand each other well, but the following can happen between them:
What does the first think at this moment? “They control me! Why is he asking me? What does he want from me? What should I do? They want to accuse me of inaction? And what does it threaten? And if I say now that I’m not doing anything, what will make me do it? What if I don’t want to do this …», i.e. he feels that his freedom is being invaded, he feels anxiety and the need for security is not satisfied.
If you continue the chain of his thoughts, this simple question can lead to some serious consequences in communication. However, a person who asks “where are you?” “what are you doing?”, he wants to calm himself, he just needs information for clarity. People with a leading need for security very often ask such questions in order to get information about what is happening between them, is everything okay with me, can I organize your time and mine.
➤ Unwillingness to take responsibility.
Taking responsibility for decisions is unsafe. And when security is a leading psychological need, it is not easy for such people to take responsibility for themselves and their lives, and to be responsible for two partners is totally unsafe. In such relationships, the ball “who will make decisions” will constantly roll, there will always be expectations from each other that someone will do more in terms of responsibility. Moreover, if one constantly takes it upon himself, he feels the insult “why me?” and will feel unsafe. And the other one at the same time will also feel unsafe, because “if I do not make decisions, then I can’t influence anything, I’m nobody”, the partner’s responsible behavior is perceived as aggression and a desire to suppress.