Me Without You

‘Jessica Bird gives us a romance of rare depth, humour and sensuality…’

—RT Book Reviews on Beauty and the Black Sheep

‘Dramatic, edgy and intense, this story has a largerthan- life, dark hero who takes the sweet heroine (and the reader) to some exciting places.’

—RT Book Reviews on His Comfort and Joy

‘Jessica Bird’s A Man in a Million features a largerthan- life, irresistible hero and an equally complex, intriguing heroine. Top-notch.’

—RT Book Reviews

Praise for No.1 New York Times bestselling author J.R. Ward

‘Terrific…explosive…exciting… Ward has outdone herself.’

—Publishers Weekly

‘Ward wields a commanding voice perfect for the genre… Hold on tight for an intriguing, adrenaline-pumping ride.’

—Booklist

‘J.R. Ward has a great style of writing and she shines… You will lose yourself in this world.’

—All About Romance on Dark Lover

Also available

WHEN YOU WALKED IN

UNTIL YOU’RE MINE

THE PERFECT DISTRACTION

Me Without You

J. R. WARD

Writing as Jessica Bird

J.R. Ward is a No.1 New York Times and Sunday Times bestselling author of erotic paranormal romance. She lives in the outh with her incredibly supportive husband and her beloved golden retriever. After graduating from law school, she began orking in healthcare in Boston and spent many years as Chief of Staff of one of the premier academic medical centres in the nation. Writing has always been her passion and her idea of heaven is a whole day of nothing but her computer, her dog and her coffee pot.

Visit the J.R. Ward Message Boards or e-mail her at jrw@jrward.com.

To Stacy Boyd, with so many thanks

Contents

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Chapter Four

Chapter Five

Chapter Six

Chapter Seven

Chapter Eight

Chapter Nine

Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven

Chapter Twelve

Chapter Thirteen

Chapter Fourteen

Chapter Fifteen

Chapter Sixteen

Chapter Seventeen

Chapter Eighteen

Chapter Nineteen

Chapter Twenty

Chapter Twenty-One

Chapter Twenty-Two

Epilogue

Chapter One

Alex Moorehouse had no intention of answering the knock on the bedroom door. Flat on his back and halfway through a Harry Potter hardcover, he wasn’t in the mood for company.

Not that he ever was, but at this moment he really didn’t want to deal with anybody. He’d actually managed to find a position for the cast on his lower leg that relieved the pain. Or at least dulled it so he could concentrate on something else. Having a measure of peace in his body was so rare he didn’t want it frayed by an intruder.

It had been almost three months since he’d felt strong, able. Himself. Three months, four surgeries, and a post-op infection that had nearly killed him. Enough hell to wipe clean most, but not all, of his transgressions.

There were at least two sins he would have to repay in the real Hades.

The knocking came again. He kept silent.

The way he figured it, the fire department wouldn’t bother with formalities, so nothing was up in flames. If it was an EMT, he was pretty sure they were looking for someone else because he was breathing, so he wasn’t dead. And if it was one of his sisters, they would be back.

God knew, they always came back. Those two women were in and out of the room constantly. Trying to feed him. Coaxing him to come downstairs. Riding him about going to a grief counselor.

He loved them. And he wished they’d leave him the hell alone.

The door opened a crack. Joy, the younger one, stuck her head in.

He watched her eyes go to the liquor bottle on the floor next to the bed. It was a reflex with them both. Open the door. Check the scotch level. Door open. Scotch check.

He thought about dropping a pillow to hide the single malt, but figured that little defensive maneuver would only draw more attention to the damn thing.

So he just stared at her, waiting.

This was going to be good. Joy looked like she was about to jump out of her skin.

“You, ah, you have someone who wants to see you.”

He had to clear his throat before he could speak.

“No, I don’t.” God, he sounded hoarse. That scotch was doing a number on his vocal cords, and he wondered how his liver was faring.

“Yes, you—”

“And I know this because I haven’t invited anyone here.”

The way he saw it, one of the advantages to staying in someone else’s house was that nobody could find you. Friends, colleagues. Reporters. Hell, if you kept your yap shut, you could practically fall off the side of the earth.

Which was a trip he was dying to make.

All things considered, he should be thanking the fire that had made his family’s bed-and-breakfast, White Caps, uninhabitable. In the aftermath, Joy’s fiancé, Gray, had taken all the Moorehouses in, and although Alex hated being a mooch, he was grateful for the anonymity he’d been granted.

Besides, this particular hideout was a classy one.

Gray Bennett’s place in the Adirondacks was a fricking palace and the guest room Alex had been crashing in for the past six weeks was as tricked up as the rest of the mansion. Top-tier everything, from the antiques to the rugs, not that Alex could name the particulars. He was about as far away from the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy types as a man could get. Wouldn’t know an Aubusson from an Audubon.

Bennett, on the other hand, had superb taste. Which explained why he wanted to marry Alex’s little sister.

“Alex—”

He refocused. “There anything else?” He cocked an eyebrow.

Joy pushed a length of hair back, her ruby engagement ring flashing. “It’s Cassandra.”

The sound of the name brought Alex’s eyelids crashing down.

In a relentless stream of flashbacks, he saw the woman he had loved from the first moment he’d met her six years ago. Her dark red hair and pale green eyes. Her flashing smile. Her incomparable elegance.

Her wedding ring.

Guilt hit him like a train, sending him deep into the nightmare.

He was back on the sailboat, back in the storm. Fighting against the wind and the horizontal rain. Holding on to his best friend’s hand. Feeling that grip slip until his partner was lost to the hungry sea. He saw himself screaming into the darkness until his voice was gone. Searching the waves with a spotlight, looking for a man in the ocean.

On that horrible night, the wheel of fate had been spun and everyone had lost. Reese Cutler had died. Cassandra Cutler had become a widow. And Alex had been sealed in a coffin of self-hatred he was never going to get out of.

“Is she staying in this house through your wedding?” he asked tightly.

“Yes.”

Alex pushed his palms into the mattress and hefted his upper body to the vertical. Everything hurt so he lay back down. “Then I’m leaving.”

“Alex, you can’t.”

“Watch me.” He didn’t care if he had to drag himself back onto Moorehouse property. Their father’s old workshop had a potbellied stove and a bathroom. Combined with a total lack of phone lines, the place was good enough for him.

“But you promised you wouldn’t move into the shop until you saw the doctor—”

“I’m meeting with the orthopedist on Monday. Seventy-two hours is close enough.”

Joy’s eyes drifted to the floor.

“Alex, I…I was hoping we could all be under the same roof for my wedding,” she said softly. “You, me and Frankie. It’s been so long since you’ve been home. And after the fire—”

Alex cursed. “Stop. Just stop.”

Damn it, he had a terrible feeling his escape route was getting cut off. As much of a selfish hard-ass as he was, he wasn’t about to be one more disappointment during what should have been a happy time for Joy. After all, White Caps was uninhabitable following the fire in its kitchen. Most of her stuff had been destroyed in the blaze as the family’s rooms were in the old staff quarters in the back. And he had to imagine she was missing both their dead parents more than ever.

God, had it been ten years since the two of them had died out on the lake?

“Alex, please say you’ll stay.”

“If I do,” he said roughly, “I’m not seeing that woman.”

“She just wants to talk with you.”

“Then tell her I’ll call her later.” Like in a decade. Or five.

“You could do that yourself.” There was a long pause. “She’s hurting, just like you are. She needs some support.”

“Not from me, she doesn’t.”

The last thing that widow needed was sympathy from someone who’d lusted after her for years; who’d watched her from the shadows with greed, seeing her as both a miracle and a curse; who’d lain awake wondering what her skin would feel like, what her mouth would taste like.

Hell, she deserved comfort from a man who had more honor than he did, someone who hadn’t fallen in love with his best friend’s wife.

And who just might have…God, he couldn’t even bear the thought of what he’d done.

Alex shut his eyes. Nausea, his constant companion of late, made his empty stomach swell like a trash bag left in the heat.

“Alex—”

“I’ve got nothing to offer her,” he spat. “So tell her to stay away from me.”

Joy recoiled. “How can you be so cruel?”

“Because I’m a bastard, that’s how.”

When the door shut, Alex slowly sat up again. His head spun and his eyes pounded. Using his good arm, he picked up his leg by its cast and moved it off the bed. Then he carefully braced his weight on one of his crutches and cantilevered himself into a standing position. He hobbled over to a mirror.

He looked scary. Bloodshot, red-rimmed eyes with bags under them. Sallow pallor. Sunken cheeks. Whiskers.

He was fading away, he thought.

But then unrelenting guilt, and enough time in an OR so he was almost a surgical resident, would do that to a guy.

He looked down at his leg. In a couple days, he’d know whether he was keeping it or having it amputated below the knee. That shiny new titanium rod they’d used to replace his tibia hadn’t taken after the first implantation, and when the orthopedic surgeon operated again six weeks ago, the woman had made it clear. They’d take one more shot at it and then it was saw time.

Okay, so she hadn’t been that blunt.

Not that the outcome really mattered to him. Either way, with an artificial limb or a reconstructed lower leg, his future wasn’t clear. As a professional America’s Cup sailor, and captain of the best crew in the sport, he needed both his body and his mind in top shape. Neither were there. Not by a long shot. And even if they fixed his leg, it wasn’t as if they were doing cranial transplants.

The knocking started up again.

“I told you I wasn’t going to see her,” he growled.

“So I heard.” Through the door, Cassandra’s voice was low.

Alex shut his eyes. Dear Lord.

Cassandra Cutler put her forehead on the doorjamb.

He sounded exactly the same. Impatient. Commanding. And not at all interested in having anything to do with her.

Alex Moorehouse had never liked her—something that had been horribly awkward considering he’d been her husband’s sailing partner. Best friend. Confidant.

Reese had tried to reassure her that Alex was just a gruff kind of guy, but she knew it was personal. The man had always gone out of his way to avoid her, and whenever that was impossible, he glowered. At first she’d thought he was being territorial over Reese, but as time passed she’d realized that was too petty for someone like Alex. He simply couldn’t stand the sight of her, though what she’d done to offend him she couldn’t guess.

So she shouldn’t be surprised he wouldn’t see her now. And she really wasn’t.

It just hurt. Although exactly why, she wasn’t sure. On so many levels, it didn’t matter that Alex Moorehouse thought she was beneath him. She was never going to run into him again, not anymore. He was nothing in the larger scheme of her life.

Except she’d always hoped the man would come around and see her as more than just an irritating hanger-on. Alex had this way about him that suggested if he liked you, you’d passed some kind of stringent test.

With his discipline and his rigor, his rugged body and his fierce intellect, he was all about high standards, for himself and others. It was obvious why his crew both worshipped and feared him, why even Reese had had stars in his eyes when he’d talked about the great Alex Moorehouse.

Suddenly the door jerked open.

She looked up. And had to cover her mouth with her hand at what she saw. “Oh…my God.”

Alex had always been larger than life. A big, muscular man, with eyes like a dangerous animal and an aura like the sun. She’d been totally intimidated when she’d first met him, this sailing phenomenon her husband had revered, this hard man the international America’s Cup community called The Warrior.

The person standing in front of her in a T-shirt and pajama bottoms was half-dead. Alex’s skin hung off his bones, as if he’d eaten little in the three months since the accident, and he was leaning on a crutch, one leg in a cast. His sunken cheeks were brushed with beard. His thick, sun-streaked hair, always clipped tight like a military man’s, was now shaggy.

But his eyes. His dark blue eyes were what affected her most. They were dull in his harsh face. Flat as stone. Even the color seemed to have dimmed.

“Alex…” she whispered. “My God…Alex.”

“Yeah, I’m gorgeous, aren’t I?”

He hobbled back to the bed, as if he couldn’t hold himself up any longer, and he moved as an old person would, with deliberate thought and anticipation. It seemed as though his body was a house of cards, capable of falling to pieces if he wasn’t careful.

“May I help you?” she asked.

His response was a glare over his shoulder as he put the crutch aside and slowly sank onto the mattress. She watched as he maneuvered his leg up using his arms. When he settled back against the pillow, he was breathing heavily and he closed his eyes.

She had a feeling he’d be cursing from the pain if she hadn’t been in the room.

Good heavens, this was not at all what she’d imagined seeing him would be like.

“I’ve been…worried about you,” she said.

His eyelids flipped open. But he stared at the ceiling, not at her.

The silence that followed was thick and cold as snow.

She came into the room a little. Shut the door quietly. “I have a reason for needing to see you.”

Nothing. No response.

“Ah, did Reese ever tell you about his will?”

“No.”

“He left you—”

“I don’t want money.”

“The boats.”

Alex’s face turned toward her briefly. His lips were tight. “What?”

“All twelve of them. The two America’s Cups, the schooner, his antique four-master. The others…All of them.”

Alex put one hand over his eyes. The muscle in his jaw worked as if he were grinding his molars.

She noted absently that he was still built strong, even with the weight loss. On the arm he had up, his biceps were curled thickly, stretching the short sleeve of his T-shirt, and his solid forearms had a network of veins running down them.

Her eyes drifted to his chest and then on to his taut stomach. The T-shirt had ridden up as he’d lain down, revealing a thin stripe of hair that ran from his belly button into the waistband of the pajama bottoms.

She looked back to his face quickly.

“I thought you should know,” she said. “The estate is being probated, but it’s a large, complicated one so it’ll take some time. My point being, you won’t have to worry about storage fees for a while.”

There was another long silence.

His sisters had warned her that he wasn’t letting anyone inside, and they’d been very right. But when had he ever? She could remember Reese saying he knew his partner’s character like the back of his hand, but the man’s thoughts and feelings were totally off-limits.

“So I guess I’ll…I’m going to go,” she said finally.

When her hand was on the doorknob, she heard Alex clear his throat. “He loved you. You know that, don’t you?”

Tears leaped into her eyes as she glanced back at him. God, he was so still. “Yes.”

Alex’s head turned slowly. And he looked at her.

Agony was in his face. Total, abject despair. The depth of the searing emotion floored her, and she came across the room on impulse.

Which was a bad idea.

He shrank from her. Actually pushed his body away, right to the far edge of the mattress.

Cassandra skidded to a halt next to the bed and fought not to completely break down.

“I will never understand why you’ve hated me all these years,” she said, her voice cracking.

“That was never the problem,” he shot back. “Now, please, just leave. It’s better for us both.”

“Why? You were his best friend. I was his wife.”

“You don’t need to remind me of that.”

Cassandra shook her head and gave up. “The lawyers will be in touch about your inheritance.”

She closed the door behind her and quickly went down the hall to the guest room she’d been given. Sitting on the edge of the bed, she straightened a fold in her Chanel skirt, put her hands in her lap, crossed her legs at the ankles—

And sobbed.

Alex shut his eyes and took deep breaths.

On the backs of his lids, all he could see was long, thick, copper-colored hair. Pale, smooth skin. Lips that were naturally tinted pink. Eyes that were a soft green, like sea glass.

His poor, miserable, beaten-up body started to crank over, like an old engine wheezing to life. In spite of the fact that he was pumped full of drugs, and hung over, and in pain, warmth spread under his skin.

Feeling something, anything, other than suffering should have been a relief. Instead, the flush kicked up regrets that almost had him crying out.

Reese may be dead, but in Alex’s mind, Cassandra was still very much the man’s wife. And she always would be.

Chapter Two

The following afternoon Cassandra scanned the small crowd that had gathered in the living room for Gray and Joy’s marriage ceremony. Gray’s father, still recovering from a stroke, was sitting in a cushioned chair. Nate Walker, who was married to Alex’s sister Frankie, was standing against some windows. Next to him was a handsome, black-haired guy with a tattoo on his neck. Spike? Yes, that was his name. Libby, Gray’s housekeeper, was behind Spike. In her hands, she had the leash of a golden retriever who had a ring of flowers around his neck.

At the head of the room, in front of the fire, there was a collared minister holding a leather book. Flanking him were Gray and his best man, Sean O’Banyon, as well as Alex’s two sisters, Joy and Frankie.

As Cass caught Gray’s eye and waved to him, she thought the man had never looked happier. She’d known him for almost a decade and had watched him grow so hard she’d worried that no one could reach him. But here he was, smiling like a schoolboy, love shining in his eyes as he shifted his weight impatiently.

Cass went over and stood next to the dog. Spike was stroking one of the retriever’s ears, and the man flashed her a smile, his odd yellow eyes crinkling at the corners.

“You want to take Ernest’s other side?” he said quietly, as if he sensed she was nervous.

The dog looked up, clearly seconding the invitation.

She laid a hand on Ernest’s soft head. While patting, she glanced behind her.

“Don’t worry,” Libby whispered. “I just left Joy in the kitchen. She hasn’t forgotten what she’s supposed to do in that gown.”

But the bride wasn’t who Cass was looking for.

Moments later the double doors from the dining room opened and Joy appeared. Dressed in a simple white satin sheath, and holding a small bouquet of cream-colored roses, she walked up to Gray, glowing like a sunrise.

Cass glanced over her shoulder once more. She’d been steeling herself to see Alex all morning, sure that he wouldn’t miss his sister’s wedding. He was in rough shape, but certainly not that rough.

Although, it wasn’t as if she were going to volunteer to check on him.

Just as the minister flipped open the Book of Common Prayer, she caught a movement over to the right.

Cass’s eyes grabbed and held on to Alex as he came in on crutches. He positioned himself in the far corner, leaning back against the wall and kicking out his cast. He’d shaved, and his damp hair was brushed straight back from his forehead. Without any whiskers or bangs, the bones in his face were very clear. His high, carved cheekbones. That hard jawline. The straight nose.

He was wearing a different pair of flannel pajama bottoms, in a Black Watch plaid. One of the legs had been split up the side to accommodate his cast and a couple of safety pins had been used to keep the two halves together above his knee. His button-down shirt was white and pressed, tucked neatly into the waistband.

His eyes were trained on the ceremony. Which was good because she didn’t want to get caught staring at him.

She forced herself to look away.

Alex knew the moment Cassandra’s gaze left him. It was a goddamned relief.

And he did a good job of not staring at her. He kept his head forward, staying focused on his sister.

At least until the minister addressed Gray. “Will you love her and comfort her, honor and keep her…”

Alex shifted his head a little to the left so he could catch sight of Cassandra in his peripheral vision. She was wearing a spectacular dark red jacket-and-skirt combo that fit her body as if made for it. Which the clothes undoubtedly had been.

But it wasn’t the fancy threads that made her beautiful. She was bent to the side in her high heels, stroking the dog’s head. Little blond hairs were getting all over the beautiful suit but she didn’t care. She just urged Ernest closer, smiling at him as he leaned into her.

Will you love her…

I will, he thought. All the days of my worthless life.

And he wanted to comfort her. He just couldn’t do that without dishonoring her and his dead friend. Not knowing how he felt. Knowing what he’d done.

“I will,” Gray said from up front.

After the bride and groom kissed, the couple turned and faced the small assembly. As Joy’s happy eyes met Alex’s, he was glad he’d come down. He nodded at her, gave her a smile and then propped his weight on the crutches. He wasn’t going to stay for the reception and wanted to leave before he got trapped talking to people.

As he made his way out into the hall, he looked up at the grand front staircase. Three flights, two landings. Probably forty or so steps. It was going to take him a good ten minutes to get up them.

“Yo, you need help?” Spike asked casually. The guy had obviously followed him out at a discreet distance.

Spike was a good guy, Alex thought. Calm, steady, even though he looked like a dangerous criminal with the tattoos and piercings. He and Nate were partners in the White Caps kitchen and had catered the wedding at Gray’s house.