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Thorsons
An imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in the US by HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
This UK edition published by Thorsons 2019
FIRST EDITION
© Gary John Bishop 2019
Cover layout design © HarperCollinsPublishers 2019
Cover photograph © Shutterstock.com
A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library
Gary John Bishop asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work
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Source ISBN: 9780008344412
Ebook Edition © May 2019 ISBN: 9780008344429
Version 2019-04-17
Dedication
I dedicate this book to the helpless and hopeless, the frustrated and defeated: today is a day when it can all begin anew. I don’t care about your past, and you shouldn’t either.
Thanks to my beautiful wife and inspiring sons, without whom I could never be the man I have become. Through your generosity and love, we are a family committed to making a difference in this world.
Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
01 Here’s the Rub
02 A Life of Sabotage
03 The Question
04 The Magic Little Sponge
05 A Throne of Throwns
06 Establishing the Truth
07 The Three Saboteurs
08 You
09 Them
10 Life
11 The Point of the Spear
12 Redirecting Your Way Outta This
13 You Can Finally Stop Doing That Shit—No, Really!
Endnotes
About the Author
Other Books by Gary John Bishop
About the Publisher
01
Here’s the Rub
In your day-to-day life you are, for the most part, on autopilot.
Someone once asked me, “What’s at the core of every human being?”
“Bullshit,” I replied.
There were a few nervy moments of shoe-gazing silence followed by a gust of swirly, disjointed questions to cover the unease.
Apparently, they were expecting some new-age, metaphysical answer about untethered spirit or essence of ancient forests or particles of distant stardust sprinkled with fairy juice. But my response was (and is) unequivocal. In my experience of people (yes, I’m people too, as are you), if you set aside all of the positivity and hope, there is quite clearly a whole other animal lurking below the surface, a conversational bullshit if you like, something not quite as empowering or comforting as we’d all like to believe. Not evil or nefarious but rather something more akin to cynical, constraining, repetitive, and ultimately unfulfilling.
The kind of stuff that undermines a life. Sabotages it, to be precise.
This wee book is my take on finally uncovering and transforming your bullshit. The kind that constantly sabotages your life.
So, if you’re tired, overwhelmed, overworked, underloved, stopped, paused, bored, broke, too anxious, too analytical, lacking confidence, uninspired, disconnected, on the wrong path, headed in the wrong direction, bottomed out, mired in the past, worried about the future, disappointed, afraid, untrusting, unforgiving, suspicious, angry, frustrated, or just plain stuck in a cycle, I’m your guy and these are your pages.
No, really, they’re yours. Don’t just read them, use them.
Let’s get to the blackened heart of that bullshit, then root it out.
In my last book, Unfu*k Yourself: Get Out of Your Head and Into Your Life, I wrote about the constant internal chatter that we all deal with. The noise of opinion, judgment, reasons, fears, and excuses that rattle around in our heads every moment of every day. Sometimes it’s loud, sometimes it’s quiet, but nonetheless, it’s always there. Your self-talk is the locker room of your life. Where everything is strategized and worked out. Where your plans for yourself live and die.
Most of these plans never see the light of day. Especially the good stuff, the dreams. You kill them where they rise. In your head.
People are little more than a living conversation, both internal and spoken. A dialogue in a body. A skin-and-bone bag that talks, and it talks about everything, and the limit of that talk is the limit of that life. Period.
In short, you are what you talk about, or rather you are the nature of what you talk about. If, for you, life is too much, it really is too much! The confusion is that you think life is a certain way and you are just reporting on what you are seeing. But that’s actually backward. The reality is, you create your experience of life in your self-talk and then act accordingly. And you’re doing it all the time. You’re never (like never, ever) acting upon life itself. What you are acting on is your opinion of life. That’s why it’s such a different experience for each of us.
Life just is. What you call it is up to you. Bear in mind you’ll have to live with your call. And you do.
This isn’t something new either.
Philosophers such as Hans-Georg Gadamer, Edmund Husserl, and Martin Heidegger explored the importance of language and how it molds our as-lived experience of absolutely everything. Those feelings you have (or lack thereof) are constituted in your language. Your talk is your life, and we see it most glaringly in your regular little sashays into the world of self-sabotage.
This may require a bit of radical thinking on your part, but in a very real sense, your emotions and your conversations are in a constant tango with each other, swaying and swooping through life. As a society we have become increasingly addicted to changing our emotions—to feel happier, more confident, more whatever—and all without addressing what is enlivening those states. It’s not the sucky life you seemingly have but your dialogue about your life that has you by the throat, and the vast majority of that dialogue is blissfully unnoticed and therefore unexplored by you. It’s running in the background.
This book takes the work we started in Unfu*k Yourself to the next level. We’re out to finally uncover your personal brand of self-talk and discover why it remains the source of all that’s currently shitty in your life. In the day-to-day living of our lives, we mostly just experience the moods and emotions of our internal chatter without doing the work to determine what it’s really saying. So, if you’ve ever wanted to know why you talk to yourself in the way you do and, more specifically, what it is that drives that talk . . . read on.
Before you start to think I’m slipping into another “positive thoughts” cliché, let’s get something clear. There’s a reason simply changing your self-talk to “I’m good enough” or “I’m smart enough” or “I am loved” or “I can do it” to overcome the negative BS doesn’t quite work for everyone.
The problem with that approach is that it doesn’t address the muck. You just can’t be one way to overcome another way that you don’t like. You can’t short-circuit the process. It’s the emotional equivalent of sweeping the dead cockroaches under the rug before your friends arrive. Sure, it all looks good, but in your heart of hearts you know the dead cockroaches are still there. It’s like that in our minds—when we sweep the negative emotion under our mental rug, deep down we still know something else. Something more akin to the truth. It’s like lying to yourself but you just don’t believe the lie. A con game.
We’re using these pages to get under that rug. To reveal those hidden emotional cockroaches and free you up, to let you authentically be rather than pretend to be. You can, of course, shift your emotional state by doing, a process I covered in my first book, but the common denominator in all of this is language.
The way we work is that we can only ever be one way at a time. You can’t be angry and loving simultaneously in a single moment. It’s one or the other. You can’t be forgiving and resentful or indifferent and sad. At any moment in time, you’re always being one way and ONLY one way.
Before we dive in, a few people commented that my last book didn’t say much about me, so I’m rectifying that right here and now.
I’m Scottish. Full-on accent, with a penchant for kilts and crappy weather.
I love empowering people. My life’s work is to give people something that might allow them to change their lives for the better. I don’t do that by telling you you’re awesome or that one day your ship will come in or that everything happens for a reason or any other kind of modern, new-agey schtick that some people have come to adopt.
I give it to you straight. Right between the eyeballs. You are the problem, and you are the solution!
(As a related aside, someone once told me I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. “Tea isn’t everyone’s cup of tea either” was my response.)
I’m also not arrogant enough to think I could solve a conundrum that has perplexed philosophers, scholars, scientists, and great minds as far back as we (or at least I) can trace. My single intention is to make a difference with one person. You. That’s it. If you’re reading this and focusing on how it applies to your spouse, your dad, your boss, your cousin, or your ex, you’re completely missing the point.
This book is for you and about you.
That’s it.
So, what is this book?
For starters, this book is a short, intense jolt to your way of thinking. I’m not out to give you all the answers here. Your answers will come from you. They always do. This is more like a catalyst, providing questions and ways of looking at things that will spark something in you and cause you to take on your life in a new way.
Inspiration, motivation, passion, and whatever else you are looking for in your life is on you. That has been the case in the past, it is the case in the present, and it will be the case in the future.
A big part of living the life you want is taking ownership of your choices, now and in the future. This book is more like a voyage of self-discovery, of thinking about and uncovering and ultimately revealing your true nature. When you finally understand where you are coming from, you are giving yourself a greater shot at changing how your life will go.
I approach this book from my own little brand of “urban philosophy.” I say “philosophy” because that’s just what this is, a view, an angle on what it is to be alive, to be a human being and attempt to make our way through the complexity, fear, and struggle to some sort of consistent happiness and success. I use the word “urban” because the greatest lessons of my life were learned in the black-and-white streets of my Glaswegian childhood, where the rules were simple and the consequences clinical.
This is a model that I created. I looked at many different disciplines and approaches, studied a number of philosophers, took what made sense to me, and started to dig. I’ve used this model with my clients and found that when they put in the work, when they get down to that true, driving nature of theirs, monumental change really is possible. What I’ve come up with is a way for you to look at your own wiring, to understand your self-sabotage so that you have real pathways to spring free from the morass of what you have become and experience the freedom to take yourself on once and for all. To do that, you might have to push through some initial confusion and disagreement. That’s okay. Be aware that much of what I say here might be counterintuitive to the way you currently see yourself. Eh . . . that’s kinda the point.
This book has curse words in it, just like the last one, and most likely the next one too. I like curse words. They sprinkle much-needed life into the otherwise jaded landscape of our everyday talk. If you can’t handle a few choice expletives in life, well, I was going to say “Put this book down,” but to hell with it, you need what I’m about to say more than most. Buckle in and read on.
Let my intention be clear: I’m out to give you knowledge—real, juicy, life-changing knowledge—that you can use to think and think and think your way out of this cluster of confusion and self-defeating behavior you’ve gotten yourself into.
When I say “think,” I’m not talking about the kind of gummy pondering/wondering/thought-ing you do in the drift of your daily life while pumping gas or making your favorite banana-bacon sandwich (really?), but rather a deliberate and intentional engagement with an idea. Real thinking is what can happen when your existing paradigm (all the stuff you know) gets challenged and interrupted.
This thinking thing is not easy. It’s the kind of mental stretching required when you are quite literally forced to consider something else, something you hadn’t considered or at best partially considered, and then do the work to connect it to your life. Thinking is an interruption. Real breakthroughs become available in your life when you interrupt yourself and your automatic responses to whatever life presents you with.
The German philosopher Martin Heidegger once wrote: “The most thought-provoking thing in our thought-provoking time is that we are still not thinking.”
You don’t think. There. I said it.
I’m not attempting to make you choke on the next hearty quaff of that iced venti half-caff sugar-free skinny cinnamon dolce soy latte that you’re currently sucking down like a freshly emptied Dyson on full throttle. We spend very little time doing the actual thinking that will inspire new lives for ourselves, and no, scrolling through quotes on Instagram doesn’t count as thinking.
The thinking you do throughout this book will help you to make sense of yourself.
What you do with that? That’s up to you, but I wouldn’t advise just sitting there with it. You could, oh, I don’t know, change your freaking life or something.
But it’s not a given. This is your life, and it needs work. You could spend your time challenging what I am proposing, or you could spend your time challenging yourself with what I am proposing. Each will produce a different outcome. It’s pretty damn obvious which one could lead you to change your life and which one will leave you spinning your wheels.
It starts by waking up.
In your day-to-day life you are, for the most part, on autopilot. It’s why you miss the exit on your way to or from work, why you put on your pants, shoes, or jacket the same way every time, brush your teeth the way you do, and generally just get life done. Automatically.
You’re not up on your toes, awake to your potential. You’re not alive to what it is that truly lights you up or engaged with the kind of life-changing stuff that will make this all worthwhile.
What you think is “awake” is actually asleep. You might wake up near the end of this existence, but that will probably be far too late for you. Wake up to that, at least.
While you read this, there might be some occasions when you’ll need to take a chain-breaking leap from the anchor of what you currently believe. It’s fine, you won’t die. Dare yourself to jump.
Here’s a little pointer. From time to time you might want to wake up to how you are engaging with this book. Check in with how you’re doing. I recommend breaking this process up into sections to give yourself time to percolate with what I’m proposing, take notes, highlight what you need, and come up for the occasional gulp of air. We are dealing with your propensity for self-sabotage, after all. We won’t be frolicking through the abundant, joyous fields of your heart’s desire in these pages. More like wading our way through decades of your unwanted strife, lack of fulfillment, and constant sabotaging of all that is good in your life!
This might not be comfortable for you.
Some of you might find what seems like a lot of bad news in these pages.
Oh well.
There are no unicorns or states of euphoria or, hell, not even a particularly sympathetic ear. There’s a time and a place for all that stuff. This is not the time or the place, that’s all. However, I do have a promise for you. If you hang in there until the end, do the thinking, uncover your subconscious motivations, and apply the ideas and principles, you’ll make more sense to yourself than you ever have, and you’ll have what you need to finally demand your life back.
It’s possible to interrupt the cycle of self-sabotage. Let’s get to it, shall we?
02
A Life of Sabotage
There’s nothing quite so damaging as the human desire to be right.
When I talk about self-sabotage, what do I mean specifically? Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary defines “sabotage” as
“destructive or obstructive action carried on by a civilian or enemy agent to hinder a nation’s war effort” or
“a: an act or process tending to hamper or hurt
b: deliberate subversion.”
But in this case, sabotage isn’t apparently committed by an “enemy agent”—or is it? Maybe the enemy agent is you yourself.
This is sabotage committed by us, against ourselves, and it can subvert just about everything good in our lives.
It is a deliberate subversion, though. Completely deliberate.
You can probably think of some examples of self-sabotage by taking a look at the people who have come and gone through the musty hallways of your life.
It’s always much easier to measure the decline of others than your own.
It could be an uncle who struggled with drug or alcohol addiction, stuck in a cycle of self-destruction he couldn’t seem to break free from. Or maybe it’s an old friend who lost their savings, their house, and even their family to compulsive gambling and the burden of debt.
Then there’s the sibling who binges on crappy food until their weight is hopelessly out of control and even their life is now in very real danger. Or the nephew who still lives with Mom and Dad in his twenties, thirties, or forties, shunning real-world independence, accomplishment, and growth and choosing a digital escape of video game conquests and internet porn. Hell, some of this might be what you’re dealing with yourself. These are all obvious examples of self-sabotage.
But what about the less obvious examples? Maybe you’re reading this and thinking you’re not that badly affected. Sure, you have your hang-ups and your vices. You’d like to achieve more at work or find a good partner or shave a smidgen of excess living off that tiny corner of your left ankle (okay, it’s a spongy layer of fat clinging onto your gut like a panicky squid, but I’m being nice here). You have goals of reading more, watching less TV, or getting in better shape. But your behavior isn’t nearly as self-destructive as in these examples . . . right?
But here’s the thing. The sabotage I’m talking about isn’t limited to those blatantly obvious examples. It’s also something that happens in lots of little ways throughout the day. It’s something we all do, and we’re doing it pretty much all the time.
It can be something as simple as constantly hitting that snooze button in the morning, or the tendency to show up a little late to places you’re scheduled to be. Not so late that it becomes a major problem, but you still find yourself rushing out the door as you shove your feet into your untied shoes and arriving five or ten minutes later than you’d like. Sometimes it looks like skipping breakfast and settling instead for a candy bar. Or maybe you’re one of those people who chronically procrastinate but always manage to get things done at the last moment, so you don’t think too much of it. Living on the edge, huh?
How’s that working out for you?
There are probably examples in your relationships too. Think about the times when you argue over nothing, hold onto grudges too long, hide or lie about your emotions, judge yourself or others too harshly, or just don’t call your mom or dad or friends as much as you should. Surely that’s not self-sabotage?
The straight of it is, these are all actions that diminish relationships over time. They eat away at and destabilize healthy connections with the people we care most about. Sometimes to the point where we no longer care about them.
We become disconnected from the people we care about. And we feel justified. Oh boy, are we justified. There’s nothing quite so damaging as the human desire to be right.
How can that NOT be an act of self-sabotage?
On the other end of the spectrum are the people who will cheat on or break up with their partner on a whim as a convoluted way of protecting themselves from being hurt in the future. Other people will become obsessively jealous over imagined affairs, creating discontent and disconnect so that there’s no relatedness left. You might be someone who has done this. How did that turn out for you? There is such a thing as a self-fulfilling prophecy, even if it’s not as mysterious or glamorous as we sometimes read about. Sometimes it just looks like imploding our relationships.
With regard to our health, self-sabotage can manifest itself in the ways we eat all the wrong stuff at all the wrong times, how we put off our exercise plans or use the excuse of getting caught up in the mundane details of our daily lives to explain our lack of action. We might give ourselves excuses to have “just one” cigarette or glass of wine or slice of cheesecake (which, of course, turns into more), skip doctor’s visits and checkups, or just not pay enough attention to our body and what it’s telling us.
Again, these aren’t extreme examples. They’re often subtle, so we don’t even realize what we’re doing or why we’re doing it. Even if we do realize these actions are a problem, we don’t understand that they’re part of a larger pattern, a pattern that’s carrying us in a predictable direction. The kind of pattern that keeps you perpetually weaving the life you currently have.
Skipping one little dentist’s appointment or having one extra piece of chocolate cake isn’t a big deal, right? Eh . . . wrong. What if that’s part of a bigger plan? One that you’re not keyed into, at least consciously.