The Bad Mother: The addictive, gripping thriller that will make you question everything
- -
- 100%
- +
Adam’s boss, Ranjit, had organized an impromptu mid-week barbecue to celebrate a big contract and make the most of the glorious weather. Lucy had simply been dropping off the painting his wife had commissioned and she had been in a rush, needing to get home to pick up her backpack and tent before catching a coach to Leeds. She was dressed in her festival gear complete with cut-off jeans and flowers in her hair and was champing at the bit to get moving, but Ranjit had insisted on introducing her to his friends and showing off the portrait of his two kids. Adam had shown a keen interest, despite having no children or pets for her to paint, and she had given him her number. She had moved in with him six months later, had married him the following summer and this summer they would be parents. It had all happened so fast.
‘This forgetfulness is really getting to you, isn’t it?’
‘I felt better after speaking to Mum but knowing it’s my hormones doesn’t make it any less frustrating.’
He gave her a quick squeeze. ‘Could it be that you’re not completely convinced it is this baby brain thing?’
‘It does make sense,’ she tried.
‘But …?’ he asked, and when she didn’t answer he added, ‘You’re thinking about your dad, aren’t you?’
Despite her best efforts, Lucy could feel her frustrations rise up again, twisting her insides. She was trying not to think about her dad, and while her little mishaps were getting to her, she could accept that they were the benign symptoms of life as a new wife and mother, or at least she would if Adam’s prodding didn’t unsettle her so much. Did he see her unravelling in ways that she could not?
‘I know you mean well but this has nothing to do with what happened with Dad. I’m not the first person who’s survived a troubled childhood.’
She shot him a pointed look but Adam didn’t flinch. He had told her only the salient facts about his early life, but it was enough for Lucy to realize that there was more than one way to rend apart a family. Adam had chosen to block out the pain of his past, which was fine, that was how some people survived. It had worked for her mum, and Lucy was eager to follow their example.
‘I’ll be fine,’ she continued. ‘I’m annoyed by my own carelessness, that’s all.’
‘Why won’t you talk about this, Lucy?’ he asked. ‘Is it too scary to admit that what happened with your dad might have left its mark?’
Adam scrutinized her features but before he could find what he was looking for, she dropped her head back down on his shoulder. Squeezing her eyes shut, Lucy let her mind fill with memories of her dad reading to her, playing with her, laughing and joking. There were darker memories too, sounds of raised voices, doors slamming, and silence. It was the silence that had scared her most, but she had been too young to understand why.
‘I’m not denying it left its mark. I was eight years old and I was confused, especially when no one would give me proper answers. I was scared that what happened to Dad would happen to Mum.’
‘Or to you?’
‘Maybe,’ she confessed, holding herself so taut that her body trembled.
With his chin resting on her head, Adam’s voice was muffled by her curls. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, but I’m not sure this is something we should ignore. You’re about to give birth and it’s natural for you to worry about what one generation might have passed on to the next.’
‘I know, but worrying won’t make it go away and talking about it isn’t helping,’ Lucy said as she forced herself up and reached for the glass of cordial. Taking a generous sip, she swallowed her fear.
Adam tugged at her jumper to bring her back to him. ‘How about we start this again?’ he said. ‘Let’s forget about lost keys and gas hobs.’
‘Tell me about your day,’ she said as brightly as she could manage. ‘Did you sort out that interface thing, or will you have to go to Manchester tomorrow?’
‘It couldn’t be fixed,’ he said, ‘and I’m going to be on site for the rest of the week, so expect some early starts and late nights.’
‘I’ll try not to fidget so much in bed,’ said Lucy, recalling his earlier complaint. ‘I don’t want you driving all that way with no sleep.’
‘Don’t worry, it’s not like I haven’t got used to all your thrashing about.’
She dug her elbow into his side. ‘I do not thrash about.’
‘It’s worse when you stop. Then you snore.’
When Lucy giggled, she was surprised how quickly she could switch from tears to laughter. Her husband had a special gift. ‘Now I know you’re lying.’
They were quiet for a moment, comfortable in each other’s arms. She felt safe enough to picture a scene four months from now when there would be chaos all about them. She imagined their panic as they threaded tiny limbs into complicated baby clothes, tripped over boxes of nappies or waged silent arguments over who had lost the TV remote as their baby slept. It was going to be amazing.
‘So what do you think?’ asked Adam.
‘Hmm?’ she said, coming back from her daydream.
‘The Sandstone Trail.’
‘What about the Sandstone Trail?’ she asked, confused by his non sequitur.
She knew the trail well because it was where Adam had taken her on one of their first dates. His firm had organized the gruelling two-day trek and one of their first stopping points had been a craggy outcrop on the sandstone ridge that ran from Frodsham to Whitchurch. Adam had lured her to the edge to take in the stunning view across the Cheshire plains and towards Liverpool, not realizing how she had trembled in fear. It was there, on the spot they now referred to as Heart’s Leap, that she had told him about her father and, if she wasn’t mistaken, it pinpointed the exact moment they had fallen in love.
‘Did you hear a word I was saying?’
Lucy straightened up, certain that her husband was teasing her and she would catch a sneaky smile on his face; instead his expression was one of concern. ‘But you didn’t say anything.’
Adam took a breath but whatever he was about to say was released with a sigh. ‘Never mind. I was saying that Ranjit’s organizing another charity walk this year.’
Lucy’s heart rattled against her ribcage. ‘You never spoke a word, Adam. Are you sure you weren’t simply thinking it in your head?’
Adam’s raised eyebrow spoke volumes, and while she didn’t understand how she could have remained oblivious to what was going on around her, she couldn’t face another debate that would only serve to highlight her shortcomings.
‘I must have been miles away,’ she said with a casual shrug that sent a cold shiver skittering down her spine. ‘I was thinking about the baby and how manic it’s going to be when she arrives.’ Draining her glass, she returned it to the tray with shaking hands. ‘So go on, tell me about the walk.’
‘Lucy …’ Adam began, less eager to gloss over what had just happened.
‘When is it?’
‘At the beginning of August,’ he said with a note of resignation. ‘I told Ranjit you probably wouldn’t want to do it.’
‘Too right. The baby will be less than two months old and I’d rather not risk it,’ she said. Although her lips were moving and words came out, her mind was elsewhere. She forced the panic to the corners of her mind where she wished it would stay. She needed to concentrate if she were to avoid another mistake. ‘Do you still want to do it?’
‘It depends on how you and the baby are doing. I wouldn’t leave you to cope on your own for the weekend if there were any problems.’
‘There won’t be,’ she said. ‘And I could always come and meet you at the refreshment stops.’
‘OK, I’ll put my name down,’ Adam said with no enthusiasm whatsoever.
Lifting her head slightly, Lucy said, ‘I can’t smell garlic. Are you sure you switched the oven on?’
Peeling himself away from his wife, Adam stood up. ‘Of course I switched it on,’ he said with an air of confidence that wasn’t meant to annoy, but it did. ‘I need to put the dough balls in for the last ten minutes though, and I might give the kitchen a quick wipe down while I’m waiting. There’s some interesting marks on the dining room table I think I should clean.’
Lucy winced. ‘That wasn’t a message for you.’
‘No?’
Adam remained looming over her until she gave in. ‘I told you I was an evil cow,’ she said.
Lucy’s sweet smile faded after Adam left the room. She swung her legs up and slumped back on the sofa so she could stare at the ceiling, but despite her brain’s apparent ability to disengage without notice, unwelcome thoughts turned inside her head. Like the orange reflector on the wheel of her pink bicycle, her mind spun faster and faster. She was ready for that horrible lurch of her stomach, but what she felt was a different kind of quickening.
‘Adam!’ she cried.
Having pulled up her jumper, Lucy’s hand was pressed over a spot a few inches above her groin when Adam burst into the room with a knife in his hand and his eyes open wide. It looked like a scene from a horror movie but Lucy was laughing.
‘I can feel her,’ she said.
Placing the knife on the coffee table, Adam dropped to his knees. ‘Are you sure?’
Leaving him to assume that this was the first time, Lucy took Adam’s hand and placed it where hers had been. ‘Can you feel anything?’
Since that first flutter, Lucy had been conscious of every gurgle in her stomach but she hadn’t felt anything as distinct as she had just now. Come meet your daddy, she told her daughter as she and Adam held their breath.
When her lungs started to burn, Lucy prepared to give up. ‘There!’ she said, pressing Adam’s fingers over the exact spot. ‘Did you feel that?’
Lucy wanted him to say yes. She needed the bond between them to be stronger than ever, but she could tell by Adam’s face that he hadn’t picked up the gentle flutter of butterfly wings inside her belly. She wouldn’t have minded a lie.
‘No,’ he said, tugging his hand away when she tried to keep it in place. Seeing the look of disappointment on his wife’s face, he added, ‘She needs to build up those footballer’s legs first. It won’t be long, and I can wait.’
When Adam returned to the kitchen, Lucy stayed where she was. She wished she had her husband’s patience but she was desperate to get past the last months of her pregnancy and, if she were honest, those first months after the birth. She wanted to be free of her raging hormones so that she could be reassured that they were the cause of her problems and nothing else. She was holding on by her fingernails to the hope that by the time Adam set off on the Sandstone Trail, normal service would be resumed.
4
‘How are you feeling, love?’ Viv asked as she passed the bread basket across the table. ‘No more morning sickness?’
‘I’m much better, thanks,’ Lucy said, tearing a piece of the bread over her soup bowl and letting the warm butter ooze between her fingers. She wished Adam’s mum would allow her guests to butter their own bread, or have it dry as Lucy preferred, but Viv liked to pre-empt her son’s needs and it didn’t seem to occur to her that his wife’s tastes might differ. Licking her fingers, she added, ‘But you should have seen my ankles last night. I’ve spent the last couple of days on my feet in my studio and I couldn’t have put on a pair of shoes if I’d tried.’
‘I told her they reminded me of elephant legs,’ Adam offered.
‘No, you didn’t!’ Lucy said before she had the chance to wonder if this was another conversation she had missed. A smile crept across Adam’s face and she relaxed. ‘You might have thought it, but you’re too much of a gentleman to say such a thing.’
Adam’s smile disappeared behind a soup spoon. He took a sniff of the gloopy liquid and his brow furrowed. ‘Did you put something different in this, Mum?’
Viv’s head snapped up. ‘No, it’s the same as always. Except, well, I did add a bit of leftover sweetcorn, but that’s all.’
Adam gave Lucy a knowing look. When they had first met, he had warned her about his mum’s cooking, and although they had fallen into a routine of visiting each of their mums on alternate Sundays, the difference was marked. Lucy’s mum made the perfect Sunday roast with enough trimmings to feed an army whilst Viv provided simpler fare, which was almost always soup. Adam told Lucy they were getting off lightly, but it didn’t stop her worrying about what might be in the muddy green liquid that had been blended beyond recognition. She preferred to wait until Adam had tasted it first.
‘At least you’ve passed the halfway mark,’ Viv said to Lucy. ‘It’s surprising how much a baby takes it out of you though.’ Lucy looked up in time to catch a glance between Adam and his mother. ‘You can’t expect to feel like you did before. Being a mum is a big adjustment and your body often races ahead before your head has a chance to catch up. It’s all perfectly natural.’
Lucy’s smile was tight as she realized Adam had snitched on her. How was she meant to feel less anxious when he was worrying twice as much on her behalf, and inviting others to join him? In the last few days, she had checked and double-checked everything she did and, so far, her efforts had been rewarded.
‘I’ve been a bit scatter-brained lately but nothing worth mentioning,’ she said, aiming her last comment at Adam.
‘How’s work going, son?’ Viv asked to ease over the awkwardness.
‘Couldn’t be better. There are problems as always but Ranjit trusts me to fix them. I don’t think it’ll be long before I’m leading my own projects, which will put a few noses out of joint.’
Viv’s eyebrows raised. ‘Naomi’s, by any chance?’
‘Naomi?’ Lucy asked as she scanned her memory for the name. She had met many of Adam’s colleagues at the various social gatherings Ranjit organized to keep his team tight. Adam wasn’t keen on such events but he put on a good show and it was paying off. She knew that. So why didn’t she know about someone called Naomi?
‘The new software developer?’ Adam offered. With a surreptitious roll of the eyes, he returned his attention to his mum. ‘She thought she could wow Ranjit with her new ideas that were obviously meant to show how archaic the rest of us are. It’s taken a while for her to realize that the boss is more impressed with people who pull together than trip each other up. He wants staff who offer stability, at home as well as at work, and that’s what he thinks I can offer, thanks to you two.’
‘And the baby when she comes along,’ Viv said, her eyes dancing.
‘She?’ Lucy asked. She was developing a crick in her neck from the looks she kept shooting at Adam. He had called in to see his mum earlier in the week to drop off her birthday present. She lived five miles away in Moreton and the detour was a minor one in comparison to the trek to visit Lucy’s mum. He hadn’t stayed long, but apparently long enough to fill Viv in on all the intimate details of their lives.
‘I couldn’t not tell her,’ Adam said. ‘Your mum knows and it seemed only fair.’
‘Oh dear, it wasn’t a secret, was it?’ Viv asked.
‘Why? Who else have you told?’ asked Adam, his sudden change of tone undeservingly harsh, given that he had been the one to spread the news further afield.
‘It’s OK,’ said Lucy when she saw the alarm on Viv’s face. ‘We might as well let everyone know. I call the baby her all the time and if anyone’s going to slip up, it’s going to be me.’ She watched Adam tap his fingers against his thumb, and when his agitation didn’t ease, she pushed the conversation on. ‘How was your birthday, Viv? Did you like our present?’
Lucy had bought her mother-in-law a long, woollen cardigan in a beautiful Tahitian blue that would brighten up some of the dark dresses and tunics Viv tended to wear. It was easy to forget that her mother-in-law wasn’t much older than her own mum. Her dour appearance disguised the fact that she was a good-looking woman, with a stunning shade of silver hair that Lucy envied. She wished she knew Viv well enough to tell her so and hoped the baby would bring them closer.
‘It’s lovely,’ Viv said. ‘I’ll save it for best.’
‘You’ve got a lot of flowers,’ remarked Adam.
Lucy had counted four vases dotted around the open-plan living space in Viv’s small bungalow. The blooms were mostly lilies and roses in complementary colours that suggested they were from the same bouquet. On the far side of the room, she had also noticed a line of birthday cards on the bookshelf. She could see the one Adam had picked out for his mum, dwarfed by its neighbour with a similar dedication to a loving mother. Although Lucy was unlikely to ever meet Adam’s brother, the signs were everywhere that he was rebuilding his relationship with his mother, and the look of apology Viv gave her eldest son was one Lucy had seen many times before. Whatever mistakes Viv had made in the past, she remained painfully aware of the damage she had caused.
‘Did you do anything nice on the day?’ Lucy asked to break the silence. She spoke louder than normal, as she often did with Viv. It was too easy to think she was addressing an elderly relative.
‘I was in work but I went for a pub lunch with the girls and the boss paid for it all. For an accountant, he can be quite generous.’
Adam dropped his spoon into the soup bowl with a loud plop and pushed it away. He had a playful expression on his face when he said, ‘Can he now?’
‘He’s half my age and happily married, Adam.’
‘Yeah, well, stranger things have happened,’ her son warned as the colour rose in Viv’s cheeks. ‘It’s great that you have people around you that care, Mum, but I’d hate to see someone taking advantage of you.’
Lucy sipped her soup quietly. Personally, she thought it would do Viv no harm to live a little but she understood why Adam was being protective. His mum had been divorced twice and the break up with Adam’s stepfather, Keith, had been particularly nasty, but that didn’t mean all men were bad, or that Viv’s choices would always be poor ones.
‘As long as I have my family looking out for me, I’m sure I’ll be fine,’ Viv said as she pulled at a loose thread on her cardigan. Unaware that the cuff had begun to pucker, she glanced briefly at Lucy, who had a spoonful of soup halfway to her mouth. ‘Are you ready for pudding? I picked up an Arctic roll the other day. Remember how much you used to love them, Adam?’
‘That wasn’t me,’ he said.
Viv’s features twisted again and Lucy couldn’t tell if she were angry at herself for the slip or was preparing to say something else. It turned out to be the latter. ‘I’ve decided to treat myself to a little break for my birthday,’ she announced. ‘All I need to do is sort out my passport.’
‘Ooh, that’s good!’ Lucy said, already impressed. Viv had a sister with an apartment on the Costa del Sol and Lucy was about to ask if she had finally agreed to go away with her when Adam voiced another theory.
‘You need a visa too if you’re going to the States.’
From the way Viv’s eyes brightened, she had been expecting a different response from her son. ‘Yes, I know. Scott’s given me all the instructions.’
Adam stopped fidgeting with his fingers and placed both hands palm down on the table. ‘Yeah, I bet he has.’
‘When are you going, Viv?’ asked Lucy, desperate to keep the conversation on track.
‘Next month, in time for Mother’s Day if I can get everything sorted. I’ve never been to New York before and there’s so much I want to see.’
‘So the son who’s spent half his life forgetting he has a mother wants to see you on Mother’s Day?’ Adam asked quietly. It had taken a moment or two for the news his mum had imparted to sink in, but the reaction Viv had feared was beginning to emerge. ‘Why then? They don’t even celebrate Mother’s Day in the States until later in the year.’
‘I didn’t want to go away too close to Lucy’s due date.’
‘You’ve told him about the baby?’ hissed Adam.
The spidery thread Viv had been pulling from her sleeve came away with a snap and she rolled it into a small ball between her finger and thumb. ‘You didn’t say I had to keep it a secret, love. And Lucy said before it was OK.’
‘I’m not talking about the sex of the baby,’ Adam said. ‘I didn’t want him to know we were having one at all and I’m surprised that needed saying. Since when did you get so pally?’
‘I’m there whenever he needs me, as I am with you,’ Viv said. ‘And Scott’s changed a lot in the year since Keith’s heart attack. I think the scare made him realize how important all his family is to him. That includes you, Adam.’
‘No, it doesn’t. And if you had any sense, you’d keep away. What hurts you, hurts me, Mum. Remember that.’
‘We have to give him a chance, Adam.’
‘I don’t have to do anything,’ Adam said, standing abruptly.
He left the two women staring after him and then at each other. There were tears in Viv’s eyes when she asked, ‘Will you speak to him? Will you tell him I’m sorry?’
Lucy wanted to ask Viv what she had to be sorry about when it was Adam who was behaving unreasonably, but she knew she would be asking the wrong person.
5
Sitting behind the wheel of his Lexus, Adam’s gaze was fixed on something ahead that no one else could see. He didn’t flinch as Lucy climbed into the car and slammed the door shut, or when she huffed and puffed while fastening her seatbelt.
The pressure around Lucy’s chest tightened as she recalled the anguish on Viv’s face. She would never talk to her mum like that, and she hadn’t expected it of Adam. Now that he had had time to cool down, she was sure he would go back inside to apologize before driving off.
The engine roared into life.
‘No, Adam,’ she said as he put the car in gear. ‘Don’t leave like this.’
Releasing the handbrake, Adam pulled out on to the road. ‘Why? What did she say to you?’
‘Just that she was sorry. Is it so wrong that she wants to spend more time with Scott? She said he’d changed.’
‘And you’re the expert on my brother all of a sudden, are you? Exactly how has he changed, Lucy?’
‘I don’t know. I don’t know what he was like before,’ she stammered.
‘Exactly. Don’t get involved.’
‘How can I not get involved? You’re my husband and Viv’s my mother-in-law, and in case you need reminding, we’re about to have a baby.’
‘Me need reminding?’
‘I know you’re upset but can’t you see how unreasonable you’re being?’ she said. ‘We need our family around us rather than at each other’s throats.’
‘Some things can’t be fixed.’
‘Look, forget about Scott. What about you and your mum?’ Lucy asked as they pulled up at a set of traffic lights. ‘Please, Adam. Family feuds seem like such a wasted effort. It happened with my dad and his brother. One minute they were running a business together and the next, whatever went on between them couldn’t be undone. Uncle Phil didn’t even show up to the funeral and maybe he doesn’t give Dad a passing thought, but what if he has to live with that bitterness and regret for the rest of his life? I’m thinking of you as much as I am your mum.’
The lights changed and they were on the move.
Quickly losing patience, Lucy said, ‘You can’t treat your mum like this!’
Snapping his head towards her, Adam said, ‘So you’re taking her side?’
‘No, I simply think—’
‘That I’m in the wrong,’ Adam finished for her. ‘Not all of us have to agree with what our mums tell us, Luce. Some of us quite like having an opinion of our own.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Adam sniffed and returned his attention to the road, his jaw clenched. Lucy didn’t like this side of Adam. He reminded her of a gerbil she once had. Most of the time he had been the most gentle of creatures, but if he didn’t want to go back into his cage and she had to corner him, he wasn’t averse to the odd nip.
‘Are you suggesting I don’t have a mind of my own?’ she asked.
‘Have you ever gone against your mum?’
‘It’s not about going against her. We talk things through and we reach a decision together.’