The Bad Mother: The addictive, gripping thriller that will make you question everything

6

It had been a while since Lucy had been left to her own devices on a Saturday afternoon. She and Adam spent their weekends as a couple and rarely deviated from their routine of pleasing themselves on Saturday and their mothers on Sunday. Living life to a timetable was something Lucy was still getting used to but she had to admit it provided a sense of stability that she needed more than ever, hence her reasons for pushing Adam out the door after lunch. It had been a week since the argument with his mum and Adam had avoided her for long enough.

Lucy was happy to sacrifice a Saturday with her husband for the sake of family unity, but once Adam had gone, she was left to ponder what she should do with herself. The subject of her friendship with Hannah had been put on hold, but it seemed the perfect opportunity to resolve the matter once and for all. When Lucy had picked up the phone, she had told herself that if Hannah were too busy to meet up, at least she could say she had tried. There had been the sound a child’s tantrum playing out in the background and Hannah had jumped at the chance to escape.

Lucy left the house wrapped in extra layers that made her look twice as big as she felt. She hoped the concealed hood in her padded jacket wouldn’t be needed but as the wind tugged a loose curl from her hairband, she regretted not wearing a beanie hat. There wasn’t time to go back but she retraced her steps anyway. Yes, she had locked the front door.

‘Sorry, I’m late,’ Lucy said as she rushed along the promenade to give Hannah a hug. No sooner had they embraced than her friend’s chocolate-brown Labrador yanked them apart. He had sniffed out the scent of another dog a hundred yards away and was eager for introductions.

‘That’s all right,’ Hannah said as she was dragged off in what was thankfully the direction they intended.

In front of them was Marine Lake, a manmade coastal lake edged by the River Dee on three sides. Around its perimeter was a walkway wide enough for two friends and a dog.

‘I’m just glad you rang,’ Hannah continued. ‘It’s been too long, Lucy. You used to be our social secretary and I miss our nights out.’

‘Don’t get too excited. This bottle of water does actually contain water,’ Lucy said, recalling how they had smuggled vodka into bars and proceeded to chat up the barmen so they didn’t question why they were getting drunk on diet Cokes.

Hannah looked Lucy up and down as only close friends might. ‘That’s not all that’s changed. Where’s all the make-up gone?’

‘I’m wearing some,’ Lucy said, not surprised that it would be the first thing to be noticed. There had been a time when Lucy would spend more money on mascaras and eyeliners than she would ever admit to her mum, but it had been liberating to discover that Adam preferred a more natural look.

Hannah hadn’t changed at all and was as stunning as ever. Her dark silken hair was pulled back into a ponytail and her complexion had a natural glow that emphasized the vitality sparkling in her dark brown eyes. The thick eyeliner flicks might be bordering on what Adam would call gaudy, but it was a look that her friend had owned since their teenage years.

‘It really is good to see you, and such perfect timing,’ said Hannah. ‘It’s chaos back at home.’

‘I can imagine,’ Lucy said, smiling that Hannah would use the same term that sprung to mind whenever she pictured her friend’s house bursting at the seams.

‘You don’t fancy running off somewhere, do you, Luce? We never did manage to backpack around Europe.’

Yes, please, Lucy thought and was surprised how close she came to uttering the words aloud. She had been telling herself that her only reason for seeing Hannah was to prove how they had grown apart. She hadn’t expected to feel such a strong pull back to the life she had left behind. Or perhaps she had.

‘Things are different now,’ Lucy said, stroking a hand over her bump, although Hannah was too busy wrestling the dog to notice. ‘You have three kids to look after, in case you’ve forgotten. And a dog.’

‘And the cat’s had kittens.’

‘You have a cat too?’ gasped Lucy, taking a closer look at her friend and wondering how she managed to look so serene.

‘It sort of adopted us, though goodness knows why. I blame Samson,’ she said in a tone that made her dog’s ears prick. ‘I thought dogs and cats were meant to be sworn enemies, but I’m telling you, they’re in love. I wouldn’t have been surprised if the kittens had come out chocolate brown.’

As they veered off the promenade to begin their circuit of the lake, the tide was high and water lapped against the shale and rock marking the edges of the path. They faced the misty Welsh mountains on the opposite side of the river but Lucy’s gaze was drawn seawards. The leaden sky had sunk low enough to make grey ghosts of the wind turbines, while Hilbre Island and its smaller companions of Little Eye and Middle Eye remained dark outlines at the mouth of the river.

‘They are bloody cute kittens though,’ Hannah continued as Samson lost interest in the dog he had been stalking and began splashing in the puddles that pockmarked the path. ‘You don’t want one, do you?’

‘We did talk about getting a pet when I first moved in with Adam. I fancied a dog but I know they’re a big responsibility,’ she said as Samson shook his coat and sprayed the two women with salty seawater. ‘Adam liked the idea of a cat but I think we’re going to have our hands full with a baby.’

The subtle refusal was lost on Hannah who didn’t know the meaning of restraint – she had been the one responsible for the vomit stain on the sun lounger festering in Lucy’s mum’s garage. Pulling out her phone, she began flicking through reams of photos of fluffy kittens. ‘I thought you might like this ginger one,’ she said with a devilish smile.

Lucy peered at the screen being thrust under her nose. ‘Oh, it is adorable.’

‘They won’t be ready for another month, but it’s yours if you want it.’

‘Is it a girl or a boy?’ Lucy asked as if she were interested, which of course she wasn’t.

‘Haven’t the foggiest, but someone did tell me that ginger cats are usually boys.’

‘Don’t they spray everywhere though?’ Lucy said. Her previous experience of pets was limited to one nervous gerbil and a rabbit that had escaped after six months.

‘My advice is that you get him, or her, neutered as soon as you can,’ Hannah said. Seeing the sidelong glance Lucy gave her, she added, ‘Yeah, I know. I should take my own advice, but in my defence, Nutella was a fully grown cat when she rocked up. I was sort of hoping she’d already been done.’

‘Nutella?’

‘The kids named her, probably because I kept saying we’d be nuts to keep her.’

By Lucy’s calculation, Hannah’s three boys were aged one, four and six and from the brief glimpses of them in the background of the kitten photos, they were all thriving. ‘How do you cope with three kids?’ she asked.

‘Who said I was coping?’

‘You’re managing it better than I could. I don’t ever want to be pregnant again.’

‘Never say never,’ Hannah said. ‘Who would have guessed two years ago that you’d be married with a baby on the way? Your head must still be spinning.’

‘Actually, that’s not a bad description.’

‘You’re not having regrets, are you? I did worry that you might have rushed into things. It seemed like you were single one minute and the next thing I knew, you were married,’ Hannah said, her tone edging the last comment towards an accusation.

‘I’m sorry we didn’t invite you. We didn’t want anyone feeling obliged to pay for an expensive trip abroad, and neither of us were up for a big party when we got back,’ she added, hoping that Hannah hadn’t heard about the wedding reception Ranjit had thrown on their return – which had been attended mostly by Adam’s work colleagues anyway.

Resisting the pull of Samson’s leash, Hannah paused to give her friend a closer look. ‘You really have changed, haven’t you?’

Lucy chewed her lip. ‘I suppose I have, but for the record, I couldn’t be happier.’

‘You don’t have any regrets?’ asked Hannah, her tone suggesting she had something in mind.

‘Such as?’ Lucy dared to ask.

‘Such as marrying someone who doesn’t care too much for your friends.’

‘That’s not true.’

‘Oh, so it’s just me he doesn’t like then. You can’t tell me he didn’t deliberately spill his drink over himself that last time you were at ours.’

‘Is that what you think?’ Lucy asked, glossing over the fact that it had crossed her mind at the time. ‘For the record, Adam does like you, in fact he said as much the other day.’

Hannah pulled a face that was a half-hearted plea for forgiveness. ‘Maybe I don’t know him well enough. All I can say is he must have hidden depths to have you so besotted.’

‘He does,’ Lucy said, thinking back to how Adam had sneaked into her heart simply by asking the questions that no one else had ever seemed interested in finding out the answers to, mostly about her past, but also how it had shaped who she was. He knew her like no one else, faults and all, and that was what worried her now. ‘And if anyone should be regretting getting married, it’s Adam.’ Her hand swept across her bump again, wiping off splatters of seawater from Samson’s boisterous attacks on the puddles. ‘He’s had a lot to put up with lately. I may not be as tired as I was when I first fell pregnant, but I’m getting more hopeless.’

‘I don’t believe that, and even if it’s time, it’s only to be expected.’

‘Is it? I never seem to get anything finished. We both do our fair share of the housework but all I seem to do is make extra work for Adam. He had to wash a whole load of washing again the other day after I’d accidentally left it in the machine. I couldn’t even remember putting it in, but it must have been there a while to come out all wet and stinking. And that’s only one of a long list of stupid things I’ve done lately. Mum says it’s baby brain.’

Hannah’s laugh was whipped away by the sea breeze and caught by a gull’s cry. ‘I still use that excuse.’

‘But it’s not an excuse,’ Lucy said. ‘Not with me.’

‘You’re actually serious, aren’t you?’ Hannah asked, catching sight of Lucy’s stricken face and slowing her pace to give her friend her full attention. ‘You’re due mid-June, aren’t you?’

Lucy nodded solemnly. ‘And I’m counting down the days.’

‘My emotions were all over the place with Isaac too,’ Hannah reassured her. ‘But that goes with the territory when it’s your first. With Josh, I felt sick from the minute I conceived until the day I delivered, while my little Sammy was a walk in the park and I couldn’t have asked for a better pregnancy. The one thing they all had in common was that it was worth it in the end. If I’d known you were going to hate it so much, I’d have offered to rent out my womb.’

Lucy looked out across the choppy waters of the estuary. At low tide, the exposed riverbed could be crossed on foot to reach Hilbre, but you had to aim first for Little Eye or else risk becoming trapped by sinking sand. Despite her boots clicking against solid ground, Lucy had the distinct feeling that she had taken the wrong path somewhere.

‘I don’t hate being pregnant,’ she said. ‘But it’s not exactly how I imagined it would be. It annoys me how slow-witted I’ve become. I’ve got this habit of zoning out, as if my mind can’t cope with growing a baby and listening to Adam at the same time.’

Hannah caught her next laugh at the back of her throat before it could escape. ‘It’s perfectly normal not to listen to your husband, Lucy.’

‘Is it?’ she asked. ‘I was late today because I couldn’t find my boots, or to be precise, I couldn’t find one of my boots. Who in their right mind loses one under the sofa and puts the other away in the closet?’

‘If we were meant to be in our right minds, no woman would willingly grow something inside her that was way too big for the opening God gave her.’

Lucy groaned. ‘Don’t remind me. I made the mistake of mentioning how worried I was to the midwife and she’s signed me up for an introductory antenatal class next month for nervous first-timers. Part of me would rather not know what’s coming,’ she said, taking the final corner and turning her back on the receding tide that would gradually expose the hidden dangers beneath.

‘If you’re anything like me, everything they tell you in those classes will go straight out of your head when the time comes, but if you need someone to talk to, I’m always at the end of the phone,’ Hannah promised. She tipped her head forward and lowered her voice when she added, ‘Now that you’ve remembered my number.’

‘I know, I’m sorry! We left it way too long. It’s finding the time that’s the problem,’ Lucy said, which felt like a poor excuse when Hannah had managed to hold on to her social life after she married. It was different for Lucy. She and Adam had their routines and it wasn’t that he didn’t like her having friends – not at all. They simply liked each other’s company more, and when Adam had given up his rock-climbing club so they could spend their weekends together, it felt right that she should make sacrifices too. She missed her friends, but of all Lucy’s relationships, Adam was the most important.

‘I get it, you only have eyes for Adam,’ Hannah said, ‘but I’m here if you need me.’

‘It will get better, won’t it?’ Lucy asked as they left the path and stepped back on to the promenade.

‘I promise. You’ll have this baby and wonder what all the fuss was about. Give it a year and you’ll be planning the next,’ Hannah said. She checked her watch. ‘Look, I’m really sorry, I know I said I’m here for you, but I should head home. There’s a limit to how long I can trust Jamie to look after the kids without putting his sanity or theirs at risk.’

‘I’m so glad you came. I’ve been cooped up in my studio all week and it’s been nice getting out of the house.’

‘Speaking of which, I might need a favour from you. Do you remember my nan and grandad?’

Lucy had a vague recollection of gate-crashing a family party. ‘The ones who celebrated their diamond wedding?’

‘And some,’ Hannah said. She paused to look up and scowl at the gull screeching above her head. ‘My nan died on Christmas Eve and, as awful as it was for us, it’s been devastating for Grandad. He’s eighty-two and he says he’s managing on his own but he misses Nan. He talks to her photos all the time and I was just thinking, it might be nice if the family clubbed together and had a portrait painted of her, and I know you’d do a bloody good job. Would you?’

Lucy’s heart clenched. She was putting the final touches to Ralph’s portrait and hadn’t yet decided what to do next. Adam’s idea of painting simply for pleasure was a tempting one and her walk around Marine Lake had already given her some ideas. ‘The way I am at the moment, Hannah, I’m not sure I’d do a painting like that justice.’

‘Still the perfectionist?’

‘I guess so,’ Lucy said with a sigh.

As they retraced their steps along the promenade, Lucy thought about the sure-footed woman Hannah assumed her still to be. The old Lucy got things right first time and never thought to double-check her work. Lucy missed her. Her new life was more of an illusion made up of smoke and mirrors, but if she could somehow carry on pretending to be the person everyone expected her to be, she might stand a chance of believing in herself again.

‘I tell you what, why don’t you send me some photos of your nan and even if I can’t do it now, I promise it’ll be my first job once I’ve had the baby and I’m free of all these stupid hormones.’ When Hannah screwed up her face, she added, ‘I know, I know, it’s not going to be easy with a new baby in tow, but Adam’s promised to work from home more and Mum’s cutting back on her hours so she can help too. I really do want to do it, Hannah. I wouldn’t even charge you.’

‘Firstly, of course we’ll pay for it, and waiting isn’t a problem,’ Hannah said. ‘The reason I’m hesitating is because I think Grandad needs to pick out the right photo. Maybe I could bring him along next time we meet and you can help him choose?’

Lucy’s face broke into a smile, liking the idea of another excuse to meet up. ‘That sounds perfect.’

‘Then the job’s yours,’ Hannah said as they reached the spot where they had met. After making their goodbyes, Hannah gave Lucy a fierce hug and as Samson dragged her away, she called back, ‘Don’t forget about the kitten!’

Lucy kept her smile all the way home. Adam had been wrong to worry that Hannah would make her feel worse. After simply one breezy walk along the promenade, Lucy felt so much better. And if meeting her friend was to prove a point, the point was she missed her. As was the norm with Hannah, she had put temptation in Lucy’s path, and not only the kitten, but the commission too. Lucy often painted portraits that came with stories that could break her heart, but the tears were worth it when she saw the expressions on her clients’ faces, especially when she added those little extra details that would mean something to the family; like Ralph’s slipper.

When Lucy reached home and found herself testing the lock on the front door yet again before going inside, she resented the relief that washed over her. She peeled off her layers and wandered into the kitchen where her eyes were immediately drawn to the gas hob. There was no blue flame because she had checked it at least three times before leaving the house. Why did she doubt herself at every turn?

Lucy switched on the kettle and dropped a teabag into a mug and as she waited for the water to boil, she played with a sprinkling of crumbs lurking on the countertop behind her jar of herbal teas. She crushed a particularly large clump into dust before sweeping the debris in her hand. The trails left behind were a level of messiness she could live with, and she doubted Hannah would consider it a mess at all, but Adam would notice and she would finish the job properly before he came home.

With her tea brewing, Lucy sat at the table to pull off her boots – which she would purposefully and consciously put away under the stairs before getting the rest of the house in order. Her feet were swollen and as she tugged at the first boot, her knee knocked against the table and a shower of petals rained down on to its surface.

The bouquet Adam had given her for Valentine’s Day took up most of the table top. Lucy hadn’t wanted to disturb the stunning arrangement so had left it in its pink box with its own water reservoir. She had added the sachet of food to prolong the life of the blooms but to her dismay, they were shrivelling up before her eyes. Many of the roses were denuded of petals and their stems drooped over the edge of the Cellophane cuff.

After pulling off her other boot, Lucy lifted the bouquet only for more petals to fall to their death. The box was lighter than she expected and as she tilted it from side to side, she felt no movement of water. She had topped it up the night before and it seemed impossible that the flowers would use up that much water so quickly, which left her wondering if it had been the night before. Cursing under her breath, she rushed to fetch a jug, knowing it was already too late.

This was why she doubted herself. Adam had wanted to spoil her by giving her a bouquet that rivalled the one his mum had received from Scott, but if they were meant to be a symbol of their relationship, Lucy was in trouble.

7

Hearing Adam’s car pull up outside, Lucy rested an elbow on the banister and settled into what she hoped was a casual pose. ‘How did it go with your mum?’ she asked as he stepped through the door.

Adam blinked in surprise. ‘Erm, good thanks.’

‘I’ve made a beef stew,’ she said. ‘And don’t look so worried. I checked with mum and she talked me through it. It tastes really good even if I do say so myself. Are you hungry yet?’

Adam slipped off his jacket and unfurled the scarf from around his neck. As he moved to the opposite side of the staircase to put his things away in the closet, Lucy repositioned herself in front of the kitchen door. The knot in her stomach tightened.