In Praise of Savagery

WARWICK CAIRNS

In Praise of Savagery

For Susan

Tho’ it were ten thousand mile.

Yet they were a cheerful, happy people despite the incessant killing, and certainly not afflicted by the boredom which weighs so heavily today on our own young urban civilization.

Wilfred Thesiger, 1934

Title Page

A Man Between Two Worlds

Cheques and Balances

Sultan of Aussa

Harlow New Town

The Emperor’s Gift

Don’t Tell Others

The Clinic

Preparations

The Awash Station

Aeroflot

Raiders of the Dressing-up Box

You Can Run But You Can’t Hide

An Interrupted Journey

The River-Plain of Bahdu

A Letter

To the North

Kibiriti

Upon the Etiquette of Massacre

Preparations

The Worst Restaurant in the World

Addis Ababa

Chukana is Indisposed

The Water-Song and the Camel-Men

Upon Human Nature, and Goats

A Question of Responsibility

The Great Explorer

A Blessing

The Hangadaala Takes a Walk

Deep Water

In the Midday Sun

A Collective Decision

Built for Miserable Weather

The Wells at Intahe

Four Days at Gewani

Elsewhere

Incidents on the Slopes of Mount Kulal

Upon Sleep, Pleasure and Duty

Into Hostile Territory

Telling the Sheep from the Goats

The Silver Baton of Command

Playing British Bulldog for a Bride

The Sultan’s Vizier

A Magnificent Bearded Loon

A Fish Supper

The Still Point of the Turning World

A Surfeit of Shoes

The Giving and Receiving of Gifts

The Anticipation of Fruit

Through the Land of Aussa

The Oasis

Fulfilment’s Desolate Attic

Back to Maralal

Civilisation

The Years in Between

The Old Man, Up There

Life

To the Modern World

What Is Your Tribe?

Our Dead Through Whom We Live

Acknowledgements

About the Author

Also by Warwick Cairns

Copyright

About the Publisher

A Man Between Two Worlds

This was a man, you’ll understand, who had killed—who had personally killed, as it were—so many people, over the years, that he’d lost count. Or rather, a man who’d killed so many people that he’d not even bothered to keep count in the first place. Not that he’d have been able to keep count, as it happens, even if he’d wanted to, what with the darkness, and the adrenaline-rush, and the pandemonium and the screaming, and the roar of the engines and all, and who could blame him for not keeping, for not being able to keep, an accurate tally?

Not me, I’m sure.

‘What we did, you see,’ he said, ‘what we did was to park the Jeep. Park it behind a sand-dune or under some trees or bushes or scrub, if we found some, and then we’d cover it up with branches. Camouflage it, you understand. And then we’d wait.’

He eyed up my glass.

I’d not drunk anything yet.

‘Cheers,’ I said.

There was a sword hanging on the wall.

It was a golden sword, a great curved thing, sheathed in heavy gold, all carved and tooled and etched about, and encrusted with rubies and sapphires, and it hung from an elaborately wrought chain beside the fireplace. It was a bit of a monster, if the truth be told; like something that you’d see the pot-bellied genie carrying in an over-the-top am-dram production of Ali Baba, tucked into the sash holding up his pantaloons. And it is, I suppose, possible—just possible—that it was simply that: a theatrical prop, all gilt and paste, something that he’d picked up from a fancy-dress-hire shop on a whim, perhaps, as an amusing quelque-chose. Somehow I doubt it, though. He really wasn’t the type.

I took a big sip from the glass.

‘Delicious,’ I said.

And, indeed, it would have been delicious, if I’d actually liked sherry in any shape or form. It would have been more than delicious, even, if I’d liked thick, dark ‘cooking sherry’ of the kind that your grandmother, perhaps, used to serve up to your parents at Christmas. But I didn’t, as it happens, and don’t, and never have.

It’s not just sherry, either, but alcohol generally.

I don’t know what it is about it, or about me, but I’ve never been able to get on with any of it. I just don’t like the taste of it, I suppose. Sweet drinks I can sort of take, in small doses, liqueurs and the like, and advocaat; but even then I find myself wishing I’d had a glass of Coke or something, after a few sips.

‘I’ve never been a great lover of Jeeps,’ he continued, ‘or any motor-car for that matter. The internal combustion engine has driven all of the silence out of the world.’

A clock ticked on the mantelpiece.

‘It has brought nothing but noise and misery and dissatisfaction,’ he said. ‘I couldn’t drive when I joined the Unit—did you know that? Couldn’t drive at all. Didn’t know where to put the key to start the engine. Didn’t even know which way to turn a spanner to unscrew a wheel-nut. That amused the others no end. Now, with an animal—with a horse, say, or with a camel—well, you know where you are with them; and at least when they go wrong you can always eat them, if all else fails. But motorcars, no—they’ve never been my thing. But in the desert, when we found a camp we’d park our car, and hide it, and we’d wait until it got dark. And then we’d watch the lights in the tents until they went out, and we’d give them time to get off to sleep properly. Then, when it was all quiet, we’d jump into the car—me in the back with the machine-gun, driver up front, and we’d drive right through the middle of their camp and I’d blast away at the tents on both sides, and we’d be off before they knew what hit them.’

Shelley Court, Tite Street, Chelsea. The London home of Major Sir Wilfred Patrick Thesiger, KBE, DSO, honorary fellow of Magdalen College, Oxford, and holder of the Star of Ethiopia (Third Class).

He was a mountain of a man, Thesiger, even then, for all his eighty years, in his antique tweed three-piece suit with his pocket-watch on a chain and his handmade shoes; and he was a man who, in his lifetime, had done and seen extraordinary things.

In the dying days of the age when there were still blank spaces on the world’s maps, and when there were still places from which no traveller had ever returned, he had set off into unexplored lands and crossed the territories of savage and murderous tribes, against all advice and in defiance of all reasonable expectation of survival, and yet he had lived to tell the tale.

In the years of war, he had led the small battalion that captured the Italian garrison of Agibar and all its 2,500 troops; and later, with the SAS in the Western Desert, when almost all of his unit had been captured or killed, he had gone in pursuit of Rommel’s Afrika Korps, tanks and all, and had narrowly escaped being captured by the Field-Marshal himself.

In the years after, when others went back to their lives and families, he had sought out wild and comfortless places, living and travelling with the Bedouin of Arabia, with whom he crossed the ‘uncrossable’ sands of the Rub’ al Khali, or Empty Quarter, hovering on the brink of death from lack of food and water.

And there was more besides.

Shelley Court lay at the end of a row of black iron railings, where four stone steps led me up from Tite Street to the heavy black-painted door of the red-brick mansion block, where I pressed a button and announced myself into the intercom, and heard, a few seconds later, the electric buzz as the lock clicked open.

Inside, I found myself in a small, bare hallway—little more than a stairwell, with a rattling wire-cage lift with a concertina-door running up the middle.

I took the stairs.

He was waiting at the top for me.

I tried not to look out of breath.

‘Mr Cairns?’

He gave me a crushing handshake.

‘So pleased to see you. Do come in.’

The flat was crammed with books. Books filled the shelves, were stacked on chairs and tables, stood in piles on the floor. And on the wall hung a painting of himself—himself as a much younger man. And although much had changed in the intervening sixty years, the deterioration that comes to us all, in time, it was still the same man looking out—still the same strong jaw, the same distinctive, misshapen nose, broken twice in the days when he boxed for Oxford, and the eyes—the same, same eyes.

He turned.

‘Did you go to Eton?’

‘No, sir, I didn’t.’

I didn’t, as it happens. And I didn’t think he would have been too familiar with the various comprehensive establishments of the London Borough of Barking and Dagenham, where I did go to school, so I didn’t elucidate further.

‘Do take a seat. You can move those books onto the table there.’

I did.

‘Now, can I get you a drink? A glass of sherry, perhaps?’

‘Yes, sir, a sherry would be perfect.’

He left the room, and came back into it holding a heavy brown bottle and a glass—a single, large glass—and he placed them on the small table between us, and sat down in his chair. He still had on his jacket, brown herringbone tweed with worn leather buttons, although it was warm indoors; he reached into his breastpocket and pulled out a blue-and-white spotted handkerchief, with which he wiped the dust from the sherry bottle before uncorking it. Then with a steady hand—surprisingly steady, given his age—he poured out the sherry, and kept on pouring, until the glass was more or less full to the brim. It was, as I say, a large glass, and it held about half a pint, or thereabouts, and he slid it across the table towards me.

‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘You’re very kind.’

He nodded.

‘I hope you don’t mind if I don’t join you,’ he said. ‘You see, I can’t bear the stuff.’

Nor could he ever.

Once, out hunting in the English countryside as a young man, he was handed a flask, from which he had his first taste of beer.

‘It was revolting,’ he said, ‘I spat it into a hedge.’

And that, pretty much, was that, as far as his relationship with drink went.

I remember little of the detail now of what followed, except for disjointed snatches of conversation and images of long ago and far away. A young man’s journey into a forbidden kingdom, on a quest to find the unknown destination of a distant river. A midnight meeting in a forest clearing with a savage potentate and his armed warriors, and the glint of curved daggers in the moon’s pale light. The burning heat of desert sands. Wave upon wave of armed and bloodied hosts screaming out their victorious deeds before an emperor’s throne. A great feast celebrating the killing of four unknown men—shot in the back and from a distance, for all anyone knew—and the young killer all shy and manful, he said, as praise was heaped upon him, like an athlete at Oxford being awarded his Blue for cricket.

Oh, and Salman Rushdie, and what an infernal bloody nuisance the man was, and the sooner the Iranians finished him off, the better it would be for all concerned.

I came out onto the street an hour later, leaving behind an empty glass, and with an invitation to call again. Whatever I had said, it must, I think, have found favour. This time the invitation was not to Tite Street but to his other home, where he spent the majority of his year. This home, the other home, was a mud hut, and it was in Africa.

From Tite Street I followed the crowds on the King’s Road, past the plate-glass shop-fronts, past the restaurants, past the antique dealers, the interior designers, the clothes designers, the cavalry barracks and the crocodiles of uniformed schoolchildren in their corduroy knickerbockers, and thence to Sloane Square underground station, where, down on the platform, a river flows above your head. I say a river, but it’s more of a stream, a brook or burn that flows in from the west, and which is called the Westbourne. You can’t actually see the water in it, or touch it, but you can hear it as it crosses above you, suspended, as it is, from the girders in a big old riveted cast-iron pipe, on its way out under the concrete and tarmac of the streets, on beneath the grounds of the Chelsea Hospital and then out from a Victorian outlet-pipe known as the Ranelagh Sewer into the Thames, the great brown river whose ancient name, like that of the Tame, the Teme and the Tamar, meaning, perhaps, ‘the dark one’, goes back far beyond recorded history.

But as for the Westbourne, there was a time, once, when it was a real stream, a stream with grassy banks and trees leaning over it, and when it crossed open land—fields and forests—as it flowed from its springs in the Bagshot sand in Hampstead down to the big river. The Saxons called it the Cy Bourne, or King’s Burn: over the years that became ‘Kilburn’; in other times it became the Serpentine, which it still is, briefly, in the short space where it comes to the surface as an ornamental lake in Regent’s Park. Mostly, though, it has been lost and forgotten, along with all the other lost and forgotten rivers with which London once teemed—the Tyburn, the Fleet, the Walbrook, the Effra, the Wandle, the Peck, the Ravensbourne … It lives on today only in the street-names and place-names of the areas through which it once passed.

Does drinking too much sherry when you’re unaccustomed to it make you think about things like this? ‘Maudlin’ is the word that comes to mind here, as I write these words: yes, maudlin—that’s it. I can’t say that I’m a great expert in these matters, but I thought, the world moves on and by and large we’re all the better for it. And yet …

I didn’t know what, precisely, but ‘and yet something’ was definitely a part of it, if you get my drift. There was a definite ‘and yet’ in there—still is, in fact.

Where I come from we have cars and things, and shopping, and we have computers and televisions and bars of chocolate—we have all sorts. No one starves here—which is good. And that was not always the case.

But sometimes you catch a glimpse of what things were once like, and you have intimations of what went before, and of the other lives and times of the ground beneath your feet. And it makes you think, and it makes you wonder what the cost has been, what the price paid, in getting to where we now are.

The economist Milton Friedman once said that there is no such thing as a free lunch. With civilisation, with the way we live now, with all of the things we have, what we have is not so much a lunch—free or otherwise—as a massive multi-course banquet of extraordinary proportions, a spread wholly unimaginable to previous generations.

Imagine what your great-grandfather would have thought, to be here now; imagine what he might have said, to see what you have and where you live, and what you do. Or imagine your great-great-grandfather, more to the point, or all the generations before, all the way back to the woad-painted wattle-and-daub-hut-dwellers we came from. Imagine if they could be lifted out of their time, just for the day, and set down in the middle of your life now.

There is a story that back in the 1940s the Soviet Union bought the film of John Steinbeck’s The Grapes of Wrath to use as propaganda, to show how bad things were in the ‘free world’. Steinbeck’s story is, as stories go, a pretty miserable one, with the Joad family, including the daughter burdened with the ridiculous name of Rose of Sharon, like many others in that place at that time, losing everything when the rains fail and the rivers run dry and their lands turn to dust, and being forced to load up onto their battered old car what few worldly possessions they have and set off to try—spectacularly unsuccessfully—to find a better life elsewhere. Everywhere they turn they are shunned and insulted, and doors are slammed in their faces. And people die. It doesn’t get much worse than that, you might think. But when Soviet audiences saw the film, they didn’t see the same things that you or I might see, and they came out shaking their heads in wonder. They came out shaking their heads in wonder not so much at how bad things were in the USA, but at the fact that over there even the poor, even the lowest of the low, even peasants driven from their farms, that these people had their own motor-cars. Their own. The film was subsequently banned.

That’s what civilisation is like, these days. Even the poor people have motor-cars, now, and computer-game consoles, and new clothes, and more food than they need. Even the poor people are getting fat. A bit of starvation would probably do some of us quite a lot of good, you might think—and not just the poor, either, to look at our expanding waistlines.

But as you surfeit on the sumptuousness of it all, this life that civilisation has served up, and the feast that’s spread out for you, you might find your mind wandering, from time to time, to the issue of the bill, and to what extent you, personally, will be expected to pay.

You might begin to wonder what the damage is here, exactly. Or is there none? Do we genuinely have, this time, if not a completely free lunch, then at least a damn cheap and filling and tasty one? And Wilfred Thesiger, explorer, nomad, ex-Eton and Oxford and His Majesty’s Colonial Service, distinguished SAS officer and sometime military adviser to Haile Selassie, wanderer through the lost worlds of vanished tribes, current resident of Tite Street, Chelsea, and also of a mud hut in the middle of nowhere, was probably as good a person to ask as any.

I booked my ticket the next day.

Cheques and Balances

Go back a couple of years, and you will find me behind the counter in a provincial high-street bank, lending money to people. Go back further still and you’ll find me upstairs in that same bank, in what was known as the ‘machine room’, taking the elastic bands off bundles of cheques and then counting those cheques, sorting them into account-number order and walking up and down the great long tables that dominated the room and stacking the cheques onto the appropriate numbered sections, for some eight hours a day.

There were machines there, also: quite big ones, I seem to think, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was that they did. Perhaps I never knew.

You get faster at it, after a while, machine-room work. And you could go up to people who’d been there a long time, give them a block of cheques and say, ‘count those’, and they’d tap the block against the table once or twice to square the edges off, set it down, flex their fingers and then there’d be a blur of fingers and a whirring of paper, and half a second later, or whatever it was, it would be ‘a hundred and twenty-seven’. I am convinced that some of the tapping and the finger-flexing wasn’t strictly necessary, but was a vanity, an affectation, to impress, a little stylistic flourish to say, ‘Behold! Here is a master of the art.’

These skills, such as they were, and to the extent that I mastered them, did not transfer well to lending money to people. Lending money to people was something that I did worse than I did counting cheques.

People would come in with the most outrageous stories of why they needed money and, most times, so long as they managed to keep a straight look on their face and a credible tone to their voice, I would believe them.

‘I need,’ said one woman, ‘a completely new wardrobe.’

‘But you have no money. You have, in fact, less than no money. And this has been going on for … well, it looks like several years now, as far as I can see from your file. We need to talk about how you intend to pay some of it back, rather than how much more of it you need to borrow.’

‘Well, that’s why I need this money, you see. You see, what it is, is that I’ve just been offered a job. And it’s a good job, a proper job in an office—but the thing is, I don’t actually have any office clothes to wear, other than what I’ve got on, which is what I wore for the interview. So I need the clothes for the job, to earn the money to pay back what I owe.’

‘Oh, I see. Well, that sort of makes sense, I think. How much is it that you say you need, for these clothes …? I’m sorry, how much? Really? Well, that does seem a bit steep … No, I do know how important it is to create the right impression. And as you say, it will give you the ability to pay back what you owe. I’ll just get the paperwork sorted out. You’ll need to sign here … and here, too.’

She was glad that I understood these things, she said, as she signed. Not like her mother, who’d advised her to make do with what she had. Not, of course, that she actually had anything to make do with, as she’d already explained.

I never saw her again, or the money, either.

And all the while and all the day in my peripheral vision and hearing—and sometimes more directly—I could see, and hear, and feel the under-manager, who ran the day-to-day business of the bank, and the rising sense of stress and panic with which he started and finished every day of his working life. That deadlines should be met, that queues should not be too long, that people should not take much time over their tea-breaks, that people should arrive in the mornings precisely when they were meant to arrive (and on the dot of nine, the signing-in book was whisked away to the manager’s office, whence anyone whom arrived after should go to explain themselves), that procedures should be followed, that shoes should be shined and trousers pressed, that the books should balance. All these things concerned him greatly, and visibly and audibly. As each day wore on, the note of tension in his voice would grow more strangulated, the temper sharper and more hair-triggered, and for every fault or omission he spotted and corrected, others would arise, hydra-like, to take their place. Too many humans in the machine room of his bank; too much slackness, too much imperfection. Fraud and deception.