Representative Plays by American Dramatists: 1856-1911: Rip van

SCENE I

A Village.—House, with a sign of “George III.”—Two or three tables.—Villagers discovered, smoking. Vedder, Knickerbocker, Rory, Clausen at table. Chorus at rise of curtain.

Vedder.

Neighbour Clausen, on your way hither, saw you anything of our friend, Rip Van Winkle? Where there's a cup of good liquor to be shared, he's sure to be on hand—a thirsty soul.

Knickerbocker.

Truly, the man that turns up his nose at good liquor is a fool, as we Dutchmen have it; but cut no jokes on Rip; remember, I'm soon to be a member of his family: and any insult offered to him, I shall resent in the singular number, and satisfaction must follow, as the Frenchmen have it.

Vedder.

So, Knickerbocker, you are really determined to marry Rip's sister, the pretty Alice?

Knickerbocker.

Yes, determined to be a prisoner in Hymen's chains, as the lovers have it. I've got Rip's consent, I've got Alice's consent, and I've got my own consent.

Clausen.

But have you got the dame's consent, eh?

Knickerbocker.

There I'm dished and done up brown; would you believe it? she calls me a long, scraggy, outlandish animal, and that I look like two deal boards glued together!

Rory.

Here comes Alice, and with her, Rip's daughter.

Alice.

Come along, loiterer! Woe betide us when we get home, for having tarried so long! What will the dame say?

Lorrenna.

Well, it's not my fault, for you have been up and down the lane a dozen times, looking for the schoolmaster, Knickerbocker.

Alice.

Hold your tongue, Miss, it's no such thing.

Lorrenna.

You know you love him.

Alice.

How do you know that, Miss Pert?

Lorrenna.

I can see it; and seeing is believing, they say. Oh, you're monstrous jealous of him, you know you are.

Alice.

Jealous! I, jealous of him? No, indeed, I never wish to see his ugly face again.

Knickerbocker.

Say not so, sweet blossom of the valley, for in that case I shall shoot myself in despair.

Alice.

Oh, don't think of such a thing, for then your ghost might haunt me.

Lorrenna.

And I'm sure you would rather have him than his ghost, wouldn't you, Alice?

Knickerbocker.

That's a very smart child. But Alice, sweet Alice, can't I drop in this evening, when the old folks are out of the way?

Alice.

Not for the world; if the dame were to find you in the house, I don't know what would happen.

Lorrenna.

Don't you know, Alice, mammy always goes out for an hour in the evening, to see her neighbour, Dame Wrigrim; now, if you [To Knickerbocker.] come at eight o'clock, and throw some gravel at the window, there's no knowing but you might see Alice.

Knickerbocker.

That's an uncommon clever girl; but, Alice, I'm determined to turn over a new leaf with Dame Van Winkle; the next time I see her, I'll pluck up [my] courage and say to her—

Dame.

[Without.] Alice! Alice! odds bodikins and pins, but I'll give it you when I catch you.

Knickerbocker.

Run, Alice, run!

Dame.

[Without.] Alice!

Rory.

Egad! the dame's tongue is a perfect scarecrow!

Vedder.

The sound of her voice sets them running just as if she were one of the mountain spirits, of whom we hear so much talk. [But where the deuce can Rip be all this while? [Rip sings without.] But talk of the devil and his imps appear.]2

Rip.

Rip, Rip, wass is dis for a business. You are a mix nootze unt dat is a fact. Now, I started for de mountains dis mornin', determined to fill my bag mit game, but I met Von Brunt, de one-eyed sergeant—[comma see hah, unt brandy-wine hapben my neiber friend];3 well, I couldn't refuse to take a glass mit him, unt den I tooks anoder glass, unt den I took so much as a dozen, [do]4 I drink no more as a bottle; he drink no more as I—he got so top heavy, I rolled him in de hedge to sleep a leetle, for his one eye got so crooked, he never could have seed his way straight; den I goes to de mountain, [do]5 I see double, [d–d]6 a bird could I shooted. But I stops now, I drinks no more; if anybody ask me to drink, I'll say to dem—[Vedder comes down, and offers cup to him.]—here is your [go-to-hell],7 and your family's [go-to-hell], and may you all live long and [prosper].8 [Drinks.

Vedder.

Why, neighbour Rip, where have you been all day? We feared some of the [Elfin]9 goblins of the Catskill had caught you.

Rip.

Ha, ha! I never see no ghosts, though I've fought mit spirits in my time, ha, ha!

Vedder.

And they always throw you, eh? ha, ha!

Rip.

Dat's a fact! Ha, ha, ha!

Vedder.

But, Rip, where have you been?

Rip.

Oh, very hard at work10—very busy; dere is nothing slipped [fun my fingers as was come at abe.]11

Rory.

They appear to have slipped through your game bag though, for it's full of emptiness.—Ha, ha, ha!

Rip.

Ho, ho, ho! cut no jokes at my bag or I'll gib you de sack.

Vedder.

Come, Rip, sit down, take a pipe and a glass and make yourself comfortable.

Rip.

[Nine, nine—ech con neiched—]12 it behoves a man to look after his interest unt not drink all de while, I shall den be able to manage—

Vedder.

Your wife, Rip?

Rip.

Manage mine [frow]13? Can you fly to de moon on a [paper]14 kite? Can you drink all de beer and brandy-wine at one gulp? when you can do dat, mine goot [im himmel]15 you can manage mine [frow]. [All laugh.16

Rory.

Take one glass, Rip.17

Rip.

No, I won't touch him.

Vedder.

Come, come, lay hold.

Rip.

Now I'll be [d–d fun]18 I does.

Vedder.

Well, if you won't. [All go to table but Rip.

Rip.

Dere is [a]19 drinks, dere is [a] drinks; I have [conquered]20 temptation at last. Bravo resolution! bravo resolution; resolution, you shall have one glass for dat.21 [Goes to table.

Omnes.

Ha, ha, ha!

Rory.

Here, Rip, here's a glass at your service, and as for the contents I'll warrant it genuine and no mistake. [Gives Rip a cup.

Rip.

Rory, here is your [go-to-hell],22 unt your family's [go-to-hell], un may you all live long unt [prosper].23

Rory.

Come, Rip, give us a stave.

Vedder.

Yes, yes, Rip, a stave, for the old dame will be after you soon and then we will all have to make a clearance.

Rip.

Oh, tunner wasser! [won't]24 my old woman skin me when I get home.

Vedder and Rory.

Ha, ha, ha! come, the song, the song.

Rip.

Well, here is Rip Van Winkle's warning to all single fellows.

Dame.

[Without.] Rip, Rip! I'll stretch your ears when I get hold of them.

Rip.

[Mine goot im himmel],28 dere is my frow.

Dame.

[Without.] Rip! you lazy varmint! Rip!

Rip.

[Gets under the table with bottle.] Look out, boys! de wild cat's coming.

Music.—Vedder, Rory and Clausen, at table.—Enter Dame, with a stick.

Dame.

Where is this wicked husband of mine! odds bodikins and pins! I heard his voice; you've hid him somewhere! you ought to be ashamed of yourselves to inveigle a husband from a tender, loving spouse; but I'm put upon by all, because they know the mildness of my temper.—[They laugh.]—Odds bodikins and curling irons, but some of you shall laugh the other sides of your mouths—I'll pull your pates for you.29

Music.—Chases them round table; they exit.—Dame upsets table and discovers Rip.

Dame.

Oh, you Rip of all rips! what have you to say for yourself?

Rip.

Here is your [go-to-hell],30 unt your family's, unt may you all live long and [prosper].

Dame.

[Pulling him down the stage by the ear.] I'm cool—that is to say not very hot: but the mildest temper in the world would be in a passion at such treatment. Get home, you drunken monster, or I sha'n't be able to keep my hands off you. Tell me, sir, what have you been about all day?

Rip.

Hard at work, my dumpsy dumpsy; de first ting I see dis morning was a fine fat rabbit.

Dame.

A rabbit? Oh, I do like rabbits in a stew; I like everything in a stew.

Rip.

I be [d–d]31 but dat is a fact.

Dame.

Well, well, the rabbit?

Rip.

I was going to tell you, well, dere was de rabbit feeding in de grass.

Dame.

Well, well, Rip?

Rip.

I [puts]32 my gun to my shoulder—

Dame.

Yes,—

Rip.

I takes goot aim mit him.

Dame.

Yes,—

Rip.

I [pulls]33 my trigger, unt—

Dame.

Bang went the gun and down the rabbit fell.

Rip.

Eh? snap went [de]34 gun and off de rabbit run. Ha, ha, ha!

Dame.

No!

Rip.

I be [d–d fun]35 dat is a fact.

Dame.

And you shot nothing?

Rip.

Not dat time; but de next time, I picks me my flint, unt I [creeps]36 up to de little [pond]37 by de old field, unt dere—what do you [tink]38 I see?

Dame.

Ducks?

Rip.

More as fifty black ducks—ducks as big as [a goose]39—well, I hauls up again.

Dame.

And so will I [Raising stick.] if you miss fire this time.

Rip.

Bang!

Dame.

How many down?

Rip.

[One!]40

Dame.

Not more than one duck out of fifty?

Rip.

Yes, a great deal more as [one] duck.

Dame.

Then you shot more than one?

Rip.

Yes, more as one duck,—I shot one old bull.

Dame.

What?

Rip.

I'm [d–d fun] dat is a fact! dat was one down, and [my goot im himmel]41 how he did roar and bellow, unt lash his tail, unt snort and sneeze, unt sniff! Well, de bull puts right after me, unt I puts right away fun de bull: well, de bull comes up mit me just as I was climbing de fence, unt he catch me mit his horns fun de [seat]42 of my breeches, unt sent me flying more as a mile high.—Well, by-and-bye directly, I come down aready in a big tree, unt dere I sticks fast, unt den—

Dame.

You went fast asleep for the rest of the day.

Rip.

Dat's a fact. How43 you know dat? you must be a witch.

Dame.

[Catching him by the collar.] Home, sir, home! you lazy scamp. [Beating him.

Rip.

But, mine lublicka frow—

Dame.

Home! [Beating him.

Rip.

[Nine! nine!—]44

Dame.

Home! [Beats him.

Rip.

[Mine goot im himmel.]45 [Music.—Dame beats him off.

SCENE II

A Plain Chamber.

Derric.

Should the present application fail, I am a ruined man; all my speculations will be frustrated, and my duplicity exposed; yes, the dissipation of my son must inevitably prove his ruin as well as mine. To supply his wants, the public money has been employed; and, if unable to replace it, heaven knows what may be the consequence. But my son is now placed with an able advocate in New York, and should he pursue the right path, there may be still hopes of his reformation.

Herman.

[Without.] My father, you say, is this way?

Derric.

What voice is that; my son? What can have recalled him thus suddenly? Some new misadventure.—Oh, my forboding thoughts!

Derric.

Herman, what brings you back? Are all my cautions thus lightly regarded, that they can take no hold upon your conduct?

Herman.

You have good cause for warmth, sir, but learn the reason of my disobedience, ere you condemn. Business of importance has urged me hither—such as concerns us both most intimately.

Derric.

Some fresh extravagance, no doubt, to drain my little left, and set a host of creditors loose upon me.

Herman.

Not so, sir, but the reverse. List! you know our neighbour, Rip Van Winkle?

Derric.

Know him? Aye, his idleness is proverbial; you have good cause to recollect him too, since 'twas by his courage your life was preserved, when attacked by the famished wolf.

Herman.

He has a daughter scarcely seven years old; now, the attorney whom I serve has been employed to draw up the will and settle the affairs of this girl's aunt, who, for some slight offered by Van Winkle, has long since discarded the family. At her death, the whole of her immense wealth, in cash and land, is the inheritance of the girl, who is, at this moment, the richest presumptive heiress in the land.

Derric.

What connection can Van Winkle's fortune have with ours?

Herman.

Listen! Were it possible to procure his signature to a contract that his daughter, when of age, should be married to me, on this security money might be raised by us to any amount. Now, my good father, am I comprehensible?

Derric.

Truly, this seems no visionary dream, like those in which, with fatal pertinacity, you have so oft indulged; and, on recollection, the rent of his tenement is in arrears; 'twill offer favourable opportunity for my calling and sounding him; the contract must be your care.

Herman.

'Tis already prepared and lacks only his signature.—[Presenting it.] Lawyers, who would do justice to their clients, must not pause at conscience; 'tis entirely out of the question when their own interest is concerned.

Derric.

Herman, I like not this black-leg manner of proceeding: yet it augurs thou wilt be no pettifogger. I'll to Van Winkle straight and, though not legalized to act, yet in this case I can do work which honest lawyers would scorn. [Exit.

Herman.

[Solus.] True; the honest lawyer lives by his reputation, and therefore pauses to undertake a cause he knows unjust: but how easily are some duped. Can my father for a moment suppose that the rank weeds of youth are so easily uprooted? No! what is to be done, good father of mine, but to serve myself? young men of the present generation cannot live without the means of entering into life's varieties and this supply will henceforth enable me to do so, to the fullest extent of my ambitious wishes. [Exit.

SCENE III

Rip's Cottage.—Door.—Window in flat.—A closet in flat, with dishes, shelves, &c.—Clothes-basket, with clothes.—Table, chairs, arm-chair, with cloak over it.—Broom on stage.

Knickerbocker.

Zooks! I'm venturing into a tiger's den in quest of a lamb. All's clear, however; and, could I but pop on little Alice, how we would bill and coo. She comes! lie still, my fluttering heart.

Alice.

[Without observing Knickerbocker.] There, there, go to sleep. Ah! Knickerbocker, how I love you, [spite of all the strange ways that you pursue.]48

Knickerbocker.

[Aside.] Sensible, susceptible soul! [But merit ever meets its recompense.]49

Alice.

No wonder I am fascinated; [his figure is so elegant, and then his education! I never see him, but I am ready to jump into his loving arms. [Turning, she is caught in the embrace of Knickerbocker.]50

Knickerbocker.

This is too much for human nature to support; [this declaration is a banquet that gods might prize.51] Beauteous angel! hear me, whilst I proclaim—

Dame.

[Without.] Go along, you drunken brute.

Knickerbocker.

The devil! 'tis Dame Van Winkle! [what's to become of me?

Alice.

If you're found here I'm ruined! you must conceal yourself—but where?

Knickerbocker.

That's the important question; oh,]52 I'll hop into the cupboard.

Alice.

Not for the world! she is sure to want something out of it. Here, here, get into this clothes-basket, and let me cover you over with the foul linen.

Knickerbocker.

It's a very foul piece of business altogether but I must stomach it whether I will or no.

Music.—She puts him into the basket and covers him with linen.

Dame.

And now, sir, I've got you home, what have you to say for yourself, I should like to know?

Rip.

Nothing, [my]53 darling, de least said is soonest mended, and so you shall have all de talk to yourself.—Now ain't dat liberal?

Dame.

Where's all the game you were to bring home?

Rip.

On de wing still: wouldn't venture to come mitin fire; for though dey missed mine gun, dere's one ting for certain, I never miss your blowing up.

Dame.

My blowing up! Odds bodikins and pins! I shall never be able to contain myself! Where's the money to pay the rent, you oaf?

Rip.

I don't know.—Do you?

Dame.

You'll go to prison, and that'll be the end on't.

Rip.

Come, no more quarrelling to-night. [We'll]54 see about de rent money to-morrow morning.

Dame.

To-morrow! it's always to-morrow with you. So, Alice, you are sitting and idling as usual, just like your brother, a precious pair of soft pates.

Rip.

Soft [pate]55—pretty hard I guess, or it would have been [fructured]56 long since and dat's a fact.

Dame.

And now, Alice, come with me that I may satisfy myself how you have disposed of the children, for in these matters you are just such a crawler as that vagrum there, [Is retiring.] that terrapin!

Rip.

Terrapin! Ah, dame, I leaves you to go the whole hog, but hark'ee, my lovey, before you go, won't you return de leetle bottle which you manage to get from me [last night]?57

Dame.

Odds bodikins, and pins! A man already drunk, and asking for more liquor! You sha'n't have a drop, you sot, that you shall not. The bottle indeed! not you, eh! faith!

Rip.

[Tunder]58 take me if I don't [think]59 but what she has [finished]60 it herself, and dat's de fact. My nose always sniffs like a terrier's; 'tis in de cupboard, her Hollands;—so, here goes to nibble.

Music.—Rip opens the closet door cautiously, and is rummaging for a bottle, when he treads on Knickerbocker, who roars out lustily. Rip, in his sudden alarm, upsets the [porcelain and glass];61 and, falling, rolls into the middle of the chamber, quaking in every limb, and vociferating loudly.

Rip.

Help! murder! fire! thieves!

Knickerbocker, [in the interim]62, darts out of the closet, and, [beyond the consciousness of future proceeding]63, throws himself into the arm-chair.—Alice, entering hastily, throws a cloak over him, which hides him from observation.—Dame enters, alarmed.

Dame.

Odds bodikins and pins! what's the matter, now?

Rip.

[Raising his head cautiously.] Matter, indeed! [the devil's]64 in the cupboard! Oh, la! I'll be swammed.

Dame.

In the cupboard!—[Going there, sees china broken; squalling.]—All my fine porcelain destroyed! monster! vile, rapacious monster! A devil, indeed, has been in the cupboard, and that's you. The china, presented to me by my grand relations, which I set such store on, smashed into a thousand pieces; 'tis too much for my weak nerves. I shall swoon! I shall faint! [She sinks in the arm-chair, but immediately starts up, and, squalling, falls into Rip's arms.—Knickerbocker regains the closet, unobserved by all, save Alice.

Dame.

Heaven have mercy on us! there was somebody in the chair! somebody in the chair!

Rip.

Phoo! there's nothing in de chair, save your old cloak, [Tossing it aside.] dat's all.

Dame.

I'm so alarmed—so agitated, that—Alice, put your hand into my pocket and you'll find a bottle. [Alice produces a bottle.

Rip.

[Aside.] A leetle bottle! Oh, dat's de [private]65 cupboard. Alice, let me hold de leetle bottle, whilst you fetch a glass for the old woman. [Alice, hastening off, brings a wine-glass, which Rip fills and gives to Dame.

Rip.

Here's your [go-to-hell],66 and your family's and may you live long and [prosper]67. [Drinks from the bottle; Alice, in the interim, proceeds to the closet and brings Knickerbocker out, who is making for the door, when, hearing some one approach, he again escapes to his retreat.

Alice.

[At door.] Oh, aunt! aunt! here's the burgomaster coming up the garden.

Dame.

Odds bodikins and pins! the burgomaster! what's to be done now? Coming for the rent! What's to be done now, I say?

Rip.

I'll go to bed and [think]68.

Dame.

You sha'n't go to bed! you must make some fresh excuse;—you're famous at them to me;—you have got into the nobble and must get out of it as well as you can; I shall go and consult my friend, Dame Wrigrim; and Alice, should the pedlar woman come, desire her not to leave any more of her rubbish here.

As Dame retires, she meets Derric69 to whom she curtseys.

Derric.

Good evening, Dame.

Dame.

Your honour's servant. [Exit Dame.

Rip.

[Aside.] La! what a stew I'm in. Alice take yourself off, 'tis full time. Wish I was off too, mit all my heart and soul.

Alice.

[Aside.] Dear, dear! what will become of my poor Knickerbocker. [Exit.