Representative Plays by American Dramatists: 1856-1911: Rip van

SCENE I

The last of the First Act repeated; but the distance now presents a richly cultivated country.—The bramble is grown into a lofty tree, and all that remains of Rip's gun is its rusty barrel, which is at the foot of the tree.

Bird Music.—Rip discovered extended on the ground, asleep; his hair grey, and beard grown to an unusual length.—The hour of the scene is gray dawn and birds from sky and hill are chirping.133

Rip.

[Speaking in his sleep.] Mother Van Winkle! [Dame]134 Van Winkle! what are you arter? Don't be always badgering; will you never allow poor Rip a moment's quiet? Curse it! don't throw de hot water about so, you'll scald one's eyes, and so you will, and no mistake; and so you have. [He awakens in sudden emotion.] Eh! by dunder! what's all dis,—where am I—in the name of goodness where am I? [Gazing around.] On the Catskill Mountains, by all that's miraculous! Egad! my rib will play the very devil with me for stopping out all night. There will be a fine peal sounded when I get home. [Rises.]135 How confoundedly stiff and sore my joints do feel; surely I must have been sleeping for a pretty long time! Asleep! [no;]136 I was awake and enjoying myself with as jolly a rum set of codgers as ever helped to toom out a keg of Hollands. I danced, and egad, drank with them, till I was pretty blue, and dat's no mistake;—but confound it, they shouldn't have caught me napping, for 'tis plain they have taken themselves off [like an unceremonious pack of—pack of—give an eye tooth to know who they were.137 [Looking around.] Where is my gun? I left it on a little bush. [On examining he finds the rusty barrel of his gun.] Hillo! [come up, here's a grab!]138 the unmannerly set of sharpers! stolen one of the best fowling-pieces that ever made a crack; and left this [worthless,]139 rusty barrel, by way of exchange! What will Dame Van Winkle say to this! By the hookey! but she'll comb my hair finely! Now, I went to sleep beneath that hickory;—'twas a mere bush. Can I be dreaming still? Is there any one who will be [good]140 enough to tell me whether it is so or not? Be blowed if I can make head or tail [o'nt.]141 One course only now remains,—to pluck up resolution, go back to Dame Van Winkle, and by dunder! she'll soon let me know whether I'm awake or not!142

SCENE II.143

A well-furnished apartment in the house of Knickerbocker.

Lorrenna.

Alas, what a fate is mine! Left an orphan at an early age,—a relation's bounty made me rich, but, to-day, this fatal day—poverty again awaits me unless I bestow my hand without my heart! Oh, my poor father! little did you know the misery you have entailed upon your child.

Knickerbocker and Alice enter, arm in arm. They are much more corpulent than when seen in Act I and dressed in modern attire,—Alice in the extreme of former fashion.

Knickerbocker.

Decided that cause in the most judgematical like manner. White wasn't black. Saw that in a twinkling; no one disputed my argument. [Speaking as entering.] Come along, spouse! Lauks! how you do waddle up and down, side to side, like one of our butter-laden luggers in a squall, as the Dutchmen have it. Ah, Lorrenna, you here? but you appear more depressed than customary. Those saddened looks are by no means pleasing to those who would ever wish to see you cheerful. What the dickens prevents your being otherwise when all around are so anxious for your happiness!

Lorrenna.

Truly, am I beholden for your protection and ever grateful. But to place a smile on the brow whilst sorrow lingers in the bosom is a deceptive penance to the wearer—painful to those around who mark and must perceive the vizard; to say that I am happy would be inconsistent with truth. The persecutions of Herman Van Slaus—

Alice.

Ah! my dear Lorrenna, many a restless night have I had on that varlet's account, as spouse knows.

Knickerbocker.

That's as true as there's ghosts in the Catskills, as Dutchmen have it; for be darned if a single night passes that Alice suffers me to go to sleep peaceably.

Alice.

Well, well; cheer thee, my niece; there is bounteous intelligence in store; nor think there is any idle fiction in this brain, as our divine poets picture.

Knickerbocker.

There, there, Alice is getting into her romance again,—plain as my fist—she has been moonified ever since she became a subscriber for books at the new library! Planet struck, by gum, as philosophers have it, and—

Alice.

And you have said so little to the purpose, that I must now interpose. My dear Lorrenna—Gustaffe—'tis your aunt who speaks—

Knickerbocker.

There, now, pops in her word before a magistrate.

Lorrenna.

My Gustaffe! ha! say!—

Knickerbocker.

Would have told you in a brace of shakes, as gamblers have it, if she hadn't thrown the dice first. Yes, my pretty chicky—Gustaffe's vessel is now making up the Hudson; so, cheer thee! cheer thee, I say! your lover is not far off.

Lorrenna.

Gustaffe so near? blessed intelligence! Oh, the happiest wishes of my heart are gratified! But are you certain? Do not raise my hopes without cause. Are you quite certain? speak, dear aunt; are you indeed assured, Gustaffe's vessel has arrived?

Knickerbocker.

Didn't think fit to break the news too suddenly, but you have it.

Alice.

“The ship with wide-expanded canvas glides along and soon”—I forget the remainder of the quotation; but 'tis in the delectable work, “Robinson Crusoe”—soon will you hear him hail. [A knock is heard.] My stars foretell that this is either him—

Knickerbocker.

Or somebody else, as I suppose.

Sophia.

Oh, sir; Squire Knickerbocker, Herman, son of the late Derric Van Slaus, is in the hall.

Alice.

That's not the him whom I expected, at all events.

Knickerbocker.

Son of the individual whom I succeeded as burgomaster? Talk of the devil—now, I don't know how it is, but I'm always squalmish when in company of these lawyers that's of his cast. Qui Tam.

Sophia.

He wishes to be introduced. What is your pleasure?

Knickerbocker.

Let him be so, by all means. An honest man needn't fear the devil. [Exit Sophia.

Lorrenna.

Excuse my presence, uncle. To hear him repeat his claims, would but afflict a heart already agonized: and with your leave, I will withdraw. [Exit.

Knickerbocker.

Aye, aye; let me alone to manage him, as a barrister says to his client when he cross-questions a witness. See Miss Lorrenna to her chamber, Mrs. Knickerbocker. This Herman is a d–d rogue, as the English have it; and he'll go to the dominions below, as the devil will have it, and as I have had it for the last twenty years.

Alice.

And I tell you, to your comfort, if you don't send the varlet quick off with a flea in his ear, you shall have it. Yes, Squire Knickerbocker, you shall have it, be assured. So says Mrs. Knickerbocker, you shall have it. [Exit.

Knickerbocker.

Truly, I've had plenty of it from you for the last eighteen years.

Herman.

Sir, I wait upon you once more. The period is now expired when my just claim, which you have so long protracted, can be vainly disputed. A vain and idle dispute of justice.

Knickerbocker.

Precious fine, indeed, sir,—but, my ward has a mighty strong reluctance to part with her fortune, and much more so to make you her partner for life. You are not exactly to her liking, nor to her in the world's generally.

Herman.

One or the other she is compelled to. You are aware, sir, that the law is on my side! the law, sir—the law, sir!

Knickerbocker.

Oh, yes! And, no doubt, every quibble that it offers will be twisted to the best purpose for your interest. You're a dabster at chicane, or you're preciously belied.

Herman.

You will not, I presume, dispute the signature of the individual who formed the contract?

Knickerbocker.

Oh, no! not dispute Rip's signature, but his error in judgement. I happened to be a cabinet councillor at the very moment my deceased relative, who was non compos mentis, at the time, clapped his pen to a writing, artfully extracted from him by your defunct father, whose memory is better forgotten than remembered.

Herman.

Sir, I came here, not to meet insult; I came hither, persuaded you would acknowledge my right, and to prevent a publicity that may be painful to both parties. You are inclined to dispute them; before a tribunal shall they be arbitrated; and, knowing my claims, Mr. Knickerbocker, know well that Lorrenna or her fortune must be mine. [Exit.

Knickerbocker.

You go to Davy Jones, as the seamen have it. Lorrenna shall never be yours, and if ever she wants a cent whilst I have one, my name isn't Knickerbocker;—damme, as the dandies have it.

Lorrenna.

My dear guardian, you have got rid of Herman, I perceive.

Knickerbocker.

I wish I had, with all my soul; but he sticks to his rascally undertaking like a crab to its shell; egad, there will be no dislodging him unless he's clapped into a cauldron of boiling water, as fishmongers have it.

Alice.

And boiled to rags. But, husband! husband, I say!

Knickerbocker.

Mr. Knickerbocker, my dear, if you please.

Alice.

Well, then, Mr. Knickerbocker, my dear, if you please, we have been looking out at the window to ascertain who came and went, and have discovered a fine, handsome fellow galloping towards the town, and I shouldn't at all wonder if it wasn't—

Lorrenna.

[Hurries to him.] My dear, dear Gustaffe!

Gustaffe.

[Embracing her.] My tender, charming Lorrenna!

Knickerbocker.

Why, Gustaffe! Bless us! why, how the spark has grown.

Alice.

Not quite so corpulent as you, spouse.

Knickerbocker.

Spouse! Mr. Knickerbocker, if you please. Truly, wife, we have both increased somewhat in corporal, as well as temporal substance, since Gustaffe went to sea. But you know, Alice—

Alice.

Mrs. Knickerbocker, if you please.

Knickerbocker.

Well, Mrs. Knickerbocker—