For The Sake Of The Children
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He followed her gaze, nodding at Joseph, who nodded back. “No, you don’t. My first marriage, though I have nothing to complain about, lacked the kind of love a man and a woman ought to share.”
Then, with a darkness in his eyes Rose had never seen before, he said, “Joseph and Frank reminded me that I shouldn’t settle for that kind of marriage again. I deserve better, and the woman I marry deserves better.”
With a long sigh, Silas brought his attention back to Rose. “It was wrong of me to come here, thinking that marriage to you was the answer to my problems. I sincerely apologize for any heartache it might have caused you.”
Rose’s stomach twisted. What did Silas know of the heartache he’d caused? She’d finally found a way to live in peace with her broken heart, and now he had to come to remind her of all the mistakes she’d made.
“And,” he continued, “I apologize for the way I broke your heart back in Ohio. It was wrong of me to court you in secret, knowing my father and Annie’s father were in negotiations over our marriage. I thought...”
Another dark look crossed his face, and for a moment, Rose thought he might actually be in physical pain. But just as quickly as it came, the expression left.
“Well, I don’t suppose it matters what I thought. No matter how I justified it then, looking back, I had no right to trifle with your heart. My only excuse is that I truly believed my intentions were honorable. I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Real regret sounded in his voice, and as much as the anger churning in Rose’s gut wanted to tell him that all of his justifications meant nothing, the weight of Uncle Frank’s gaze on her reminded her that her sins made her no better than Silas.
“I suppose that we all do things that are wrong, justifying them with all kinds of excuses, when deep down, we know that we shouldn’t.” The ache in her belly started to subside, and Rose took a deep breath. “I’ve made my own share of mistakes, but Uncle Frank is constantly reminding me that the Lord loves and forgives me anyway.”
She squeezed her eyes shut, taking a deep breath. Oh, she knew what she was supposed to do here. Forgive Silas. That’s what Uncle Frank preached about constantly—loving and forgiving others. She’d thought it hard enough to forgive Ben Perry, the father of her child, an outlaw who’d only been using her to get his hands on her family’s fortune. But she had. It had taken so much prayer, so much time reading her Bible, but it wasn’t until she held little Matthew that she understood that she couldn’t possibly hate someone who’d given her such an incredible gift.
Her family had forgiven her for the scandal she’d brought upon them by running away with an outlaw. They’d forgiven her for the scandal of her child born out of wedlock. Even when members of the church had left the congregation because they were shocked that Uncle Frank would not condemn Rose for her behavior, her family had stood by her in love and acceptance.
Rose didn’t feel like forgiving Silas. No, she felt like raging at him for how deeply he’d hurt her. How that hurt had made her do unspeakable things, hurting those she loved. Her insides churned, reminding her of how his abandonment had left her raw and empty.
But how could she be a hypocrite, and deny him that which had been offered to her so freely?
Rose took a deep breath. “I forgive you, Silas.”
Saying the words should have made her feel better, but they didn’t. All the years she’d dreamed of him crawling back to her, saying how sorry he was, it didn’t change any of the pain in her heart. Uncle Frank had told her that sometimes forgiveness meant acting on it long before you felt it, but in Rose’s case, she wondered if she would ever feel that particular emotion.
Forgiving him might be the right thing to do, but it didn’t ease the pain in her heart. It didn’t make any of the things that had happened any better. And even though everyone else in the room looked relieved at Rose’s words, they only made her feel worse.
Uncle Frank had told her that forgiveness was a process. That when Jesus said you had to forgive someone seventy times seven, He meant it almost literally, because some things hurt so much that you had to keep forgiving, even when it hurt, until the pain went away. If that were the case, then Rose supposed she had another 489 more times to go.
Please, Lord, help me. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to have to keep forgiving Silas. Not when my heart hurts so very much.
Rose’s only consolation was knowing that, now that she’d said the words, to Silas, and in front of her family, Silas could return home, and continue with his life. And Rose could do the same.
Chapter Two
Rose’s words sounded hollow, fake. Like they had when her Aunt Ina would ask her to do something, and she didn’t want to do it but knew she had no choice but to obey. But she’d said she forgave him, and Silas had an equal obligation to accept.
“Thank you,” Silas said quietly, wishing it could be like the old times when he could tell her that he knew she didn’t mean it and that he understood. But they no longer had the kind of relationship where they could be so honest with one another.
“Good, good.” Frank clapped Silas on the back. “I told you it would all work out. Now that things are settled between you and Rose, we need to figure out how you’re going to keep that beautiful little girl of yours.”
Silas turned to look at him. “I don’t understand.”
Joseph chuckled. “Ah, my friend, you really had no idea what you were getting yourself into when you told Frank of your situation. I’ve yet to see him let anyone leave without a reliable solution to their problems.”
Rose let out a long sigh, and the pained expression on her face made Silas wish he’d never come. He’d wronged her; she’d forgiven him, but it seemed that his presence only rubbed salt into her wounds. Silas truly hadn’t intended to hurt her. Hadn’t dreamed that he’d be causing her this much pain by reentering her life.
“It’s all right,” Silas said, looking at Rose. “I’m sure we’ll manage just fine.”
“None of that.” Frank clapped him on the back again. “There’s no sense in going it alone when you have others willing to come alongside you and help. You have too much at stake to let your pride intervene.”
Silas had thought he’d already given up much of his pride just coming here. Facing Rose and realizing how much damage he’d done, it wasn’t pride that made him want to leave, but an earnest desire not to hurt her anymore.
Milly came running into the room. “Papa!”
Her little voice made any indecision he might have had disappear. No, he didn’t want to hurt Rose, but his actions now weren’t about her. Rather, they were about a small child who needed him.
Silas scooped her up in his arms. “Were you a good girl?”
“An absolute darling,” Maddie said, smiling. “I don’t think I’ve met such a well-behaved young lady. She just sat at the table, proper as could be, and ate her cookie. She even let me wipe her hands and face without so much as a whimper.”
That, of course, was the Garretts’ doing. They believed that children were to be seen, not heard, and worked very hard at training Milly to be perfectly quiet and obedient. Annie had been the same way. As much as he regretted not loving Annie fully, Silas had often wondered if Annie harbored any romantic feelings toward him. Most times it seemed as though marrying Silas was one more of Annie’s acts of obedience to her parents.
“I’m glad she behaved for you,” Silas said, ruffling his daughter’s feathery blond hair. Though he’d seen other parents at church lament how their little ones misbehaved, he wished his own daughter would take life into her own hands sometimes and throw the kind of tantrum that meant the Garretts hadn’t completely broken her spirit.
Milly leaned into him and let out a contented sigh. Then Silas turned toward Frank. “I’m willing to do whatever it takes to keep my daughter. What do you have in mind?”
It wasn’t Frank, but Joseph, who answered. “How’s your father’s farm doing?”
If Silas hadn’t been facing arrows of all kinds shot in his direction since arriving here, he might have felt the agonizing pain of this one. Instead, it was just one more dig at the wounds he carried.
“Gone.” Silas swallowed the sour liquid rising from his stomach. “My father died shortly after I married Annie, and the Garretts absorbed the farm. Now that Annie’s gone...”
He didn’t want to finish the sentence. Marrying Annie had cost Silas everything. With her death, the loss had been just as complete. Meeting Joseph’s eyes, he said, “The Garretts are already arranging the sale of the farm so they can move to town. Robert Garrett’s health is failing, and he can’t work the farm anymore. That was supposed to be the reason for my marriage to Annie. But now, the Garretts think it ‘isn’t seemly’ for me to remain in that capacity.”
“What are you doing to support yourself?” Joseph’s question stung, mostly because only a few years ago, the situation had been reversed. Joseph, willing to do anything to support his family, and Silas, looking for ways to help him.
“Anything I can find. The Garretts have made it hard for me to find work anywhere back home, which is part of why I left. I’ve been doing whatever honest work people offer me to get by.”
“I’m sure your lack of regular employment is one of the arguments the Garretts are using to take Milly away from you. They can provide a better life for her than you can.” Frank’s words were a bitter reminder of the battle ahead.
“Milly doesn’t need anything fancy. Food, clothes, a solid roof and a father who loves her. I just wish the Garretts could see that.”
His voice caught when he said that, making the words come out less forceful than he’d intended.
“All the same,” Frank said, “you’ll stand a better chance of keeping your daughter if you have a good job. Joseph?”
“I’m always looking for help at the mine. If I recall—”
“You can’t be serious!”
Silas had almost forgotten Rose was in the room, but her outburst was enough to remind everyone that he wasn’t the only one affected by the discussion happening.
“Now, Rose, dear...” Frank’s voice was gentle, and Rose’s eyes filled with tears.
“I know.” Her shoulders shook slightly. “I’m supposed to forgive him and move on. But surely that doesn’t mean he needs to work in the mine.”
An impossible situation. Silas closed his eyes and sent a quick prayer heavenward that God would help him find a way to do the right thing by both his daughter and Rose. Then he turned and looked at her.
“I wouldn’t want to put anyone out. Perhaps your brother could recommend someone who might have work for me.”
Joseph shook his head. “None that would give you a fair deal. It’s a hard life up here, and most folks will take advantage of you, given half a chance. The Lord blessed me greatly, and it’s only fair that I share those blessings with the people who made it happen. I’m not saying that to boast because the only reason I have anything to boast about is because of the great mercies of the Lord. I can’t in good conscience let you work anywhere else.”
Then Joseph brought his attention to Rose. “And you know that’s the truth. Would you see a man with a young child taken advantage of? What would you want for Matthew?”
He didn’t wait for a response from Rose, but Silas could see the emotion playing on her face. She was at war with herself, knowing the truth of Joseph’s words, but not liking it. Silas didn’t like it much either, but having known Joseph most of his life, he knew that Joseph was a fair man. A good man. And he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t looking forward to working for him.
“You’ll come work for me,” Joseph said. “I have a baby girl of my own. Catherine. The joy she brings me...well, I would do anything to help another man keep that for himself.”
The defeat on Rose’s face almost made Silas tell Joseph he’d find another way. But he couldn’t. Not with the little girl tugging on his shirt.
“Down!”
“It’s all right,” Frank said. “She won’t hurt anything in here. We have enough children in the parlor that we’ve put away everything a child might damage.”
More reassurances, like the ones Maddie had given when they’d first arrived.
“Thank you.” Silas put Milly down. “The Garretts were always particular about letting Milly run around. I suppose I’m still figuring out what’s reasonable for her.”
Milly made a beeline for the sofa where Rose sat. The expression on Rose’s face went from dejection to horror as Milly raced toward her. But what could Silas say? Don’t sit next to the lady because you’re the daughter of the person she hates most in this world?
Just before she reached Rose, Milly stumbled on the edge of the carpet, sending her sprawling into the sofa.
Before Silas could react, Rose jumped up and pulled Milly into her arms.
Silas couldn’t see Milly’s face, but he knew she was trying to decide whether or not to cry.
“There now, you’re a big brave girl, aren’t you?” Rose cuddled Milly in her arms as she sat back on the sofa. “Do you see why we don’t run in the house?”
The light blond head bobbed in agreement. Rose continued cradling Milly as though she’d forgotten whose child she held.
“Did you have fun in the kitchen with Maddie?” Rose brushed Milly’s hair with her fingers, and Silas realized as Rose seemed to examine the little girl intently, she was making sure Milly wasn’t injured.
Rose kissed the top of Milly’s head. “Not even a bump.”
Milly wiggled in Rose’s arms. “I sit big chair.”
The smile Rose gave his daughter reminded Silas of why he’d thought Rose would make a good mother. There was a compassion within her that seemed to understand instinctively what a child needed. Deeper than that, though, was that her heart seemed to flow with a never-ending love for children.
Rose relaxed her hold on Milly and allowed the little girl to scoot over to the unoccupied portion of the sofa. Milly preened as she adjusted herself to a comfortable position, her little legs not even reaching the edge of the seat. Milly smiled, a wide grin flashing a mouth full of baby teeth.
“I big girl,” Milly declared, her gaze sweeping the room.
She’d never been allowed to sit on the sofa in the parlor at the Garretts’ home. They’d told Milly little girls weren’t allowed in the room, and she spent most of her time confined to the nursery.
“You sure are,” Rose said, giving Milly an affectionate pat. She turned her gaze to Silas, finally looking at him. “I don’t think she was injured in her fall.”
It hadn’t occurred to Silas that Milly would have been hurt, but he smiled at Rose all the same. “Thank you. I appreciate your kindness toward my daughter.”
“Of course. She’s a sweet girl.” Rose’s expression softened further, and as Silas studied her face, he realized once again what a difficult position he’d put her in.
Back when they were courting, they used to talk about the family they’d have together. Silas had always said he wanted a daughter with dark hair, like Rose, but Rose had always insisted that she wanted a son who resembled him.
Why had he spoken such foolishness? Oh, he’d meant the words when he spoke them. Had fervently wanted them to come true. But he’d known what his father wanted, what his family needed. He’d hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t come to the eventuality of his marriage to Annie, but it was all for naught.
He never shared any of this with Rose, never gave her the option of protecting her heart. All this time, he’d justified his actions by saying he’d only been lying to himself. But as he watched her interact with the little girl he once told her they’d have together, his heart ached. He knew that he’d lied to her, as well.
* * *
Rose was grateful when Matthew’s cries gave her an excuse to leave the room. Ordinarily, his fussiness would have frustrated her. Little Catherine had started sleeping through the night ages ago, but Matthew staunchly refused to sleep for more than a couple of hours at a time. She yawned as she picked him up out of his cradle. Usually, she just kept him with her because it hardly seemed worth the effort to continue going up and down. But today, with her emotions racing all over the place, taking care of her son gave her the respite she needed.
“There, now, sweet fellow. Mama’s here.” She picked him up and cradled him against her. She hadn’t been lying when she’d said that having Matthew made up for all that she’d gone through, all the wrongs that had happened in her life.
Even now, when the brief pause in her routine gave her body room to remind her how exhausted she was, Rose still wouldn’t change any of it.
Would her life be different had Silas gone through with his plan to marry her?
Undoubtedly.
But as Matthew smiled up at her, Rose couldn’t imagine wanting that life anymore.
Matthew settled in her arms, and she thought about the little girl she’d held only a short time before. Milly. Silas clearly loved her the way she loved Matthew. As hard as she tried, she couldn’t make herself continue to hate him.
Forgiveness.
No, she didn’t feel it in her heart. In fact, she still wanted to rail at him and tell him of all the hurt she’d experienced as a result of her broken heart. But that wasn’t the way of forgiveness. It wasn’t the way of Jesus.
Although it didn’t say so explicitly, Rose knew that the part where the Bible talked about leaving everything behind for the sake of following Him also meant letting go of her old grudges. Including the one she had against Silas.
Easier said than done.
But with the Lord’s help, she’d keep trying, not for his sake, because he didn’t deserve her mercy, but because of the mercy that had been given to her.
“Rose?” Maddie appeared in the doorway. “Frank was hoping you’d rejoin them in the parlor. I believe they want you to be a part of the discussion.”
Rose nodded slowly, adjusting the baby in her arms. It seemed that God wanted her to keep facing this, to keep dealing with the pain and the hurt until it went away. So be it.
“Do you want me to take Matthew for you? We could go outside in the sun for a while. It might improve his disposition.”
The concerned look on the older woman’s face wasn’t meant as a criticism, but an honest offer of help. Everyone in the Lassiter house had taken turns up with Matthew all night in hopes that someone could get him to sleep. His fussing would be a distraction in the room with the others, but Rose couldn’t bear to give him up. Not when he served as a reminder that every wound, every moment she suffered, and yes, every mistake, was worth it.
“I’ll be fine.” She adjusted the baby in her arms as she handed him his favorite rattle. It would keep him occupied for a short time at least.
Maddie pursed her lips disapprovingly, and she was probably right to do so. But Matthew wasn’t fussing now, and Rose needed the comfort of the baby in her arms.
She carried him to the parlor, where everyone seemed to be in cheerful conversation. Uncle Frank had found a doll for Milly to play with, and the little girl seemed content sitting on the sofa snuggling the toy.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” Rose said, taking the seat she’d vacated next to Milly. She expected her heart to twist at the sight of the little girl, but when she’d held Milly in her arms, all she could think was that Milly was like any other child, in need of a few cuddles and some love. As much as Rose still found it difficult to even look at Silas, her resentment didn’t seem to carry over to his child.
“Who dat?” Milly asked, poking the baby.
“This is Matthew, my son.”
“Ma-few,” Milly said, tugging on his leg. “We pway.”
Rose smiled. “He’s too little to play. But if you wave the doll in front of him, he might smile for you.”
Milly dangled the doll in front of Matthew, making funny noises. Matthew giggled.
“He yikes me!” Milly beamed.
“He does,” Uncle Frank said, a tender tone to his voice. While Joseph’s daughter was a happy baby and seemed to giggle and smile at everything, Matthew was of a more choleric nature. Everything made him cry, and a smile was hard-won. To make her notoriously cranky son giggle required a combination of timing, patience and skill.
Even Joseph nodded approvingly. “I think this will work nicely.”
“What will work nicely?” Rose stared at her brother.
“If Silas comes to work for me, he’ll need someone to take care of Milly.”
“No,” Rose said flatly.
“I’d ask Annabelle, but she was hoping to visit her aunt Celeste and show off the baby. Since her last trip was cut short...”
Because of her. That’s what Joseph was implying. They’d been on an extended honeymoon trip, but when news of Rose’s indiscretion reached them, they’d returned home. Annabelle had said that it was because she was feeling poorly due to the baby she was expecting, but Rose knew better. They’d come back to deal with her.
If Rose continued in her insistence to not take care of Milly, they’d postpone this trip, as well. Because of her. Again.
Joseph and Uncle Frank exchanged a look. Probably in frustration over their belief that Rose was being difficult. That’s what everyone thought after all. Rose was the difficult one, always wanting her own way when it went against what the family thought best.
“Perhaps Mary...” Frank suggested.
Rose’s eyes burned. Though she and her sister were getting along much better these days, it always hurt to know that Mary was still viewed as the dependable one, and Rose the difficult one. How she tried to be as perfect as her older sister. But oh, how she failed.
Joseph shook his head. “I can’t ask that of her. She’s so close to having her own baby, and she’s already agreed to take care of our other siblings while we’re gone. It seems too much to add in one more child to the mix.”
“I thought you were bringing them?” Frank said.
Joseph sighed. “We were going to, but they would miss too much school, and while Daniel doesn’t mind, Evelyn and Bess were furious. Nugget wasn’t pleased with the prospect, either.”
With both of their parents dead, Joseph had taken on the primary responsibility for caring for their younger siblings: Evelyn, fourteen, Helen, thirteen, Daniel, ten, Bess, seven and Nugget, five. As the next eldest, their sister Mary often helped, as well. Rose did what she could, but since her scandal, it seemed like no one ever asked her anymore.
Sometimes she felt guilty for not doing more, but every time she offered to take one of her siblings or do something for them, they rebuffed her efforts.
And here they were, faced with a problem, asking for Rose’s help, but Rose was being difficult. They didn’t need to say it. Rose could tell by their expressions.
“I’ll do it,” Rose murmured.
Uncle Frank frowned. “It’s all right. I’m sure we can find someone else. We haven’t even asked—”
“I said I’ll do it,” she said, a little too forcefully, perhaps, since everyone stared at her.
“I don’t want to put you out,” Silas said, looking at her so forlornly that she felt guilty for not receiving him more warmly.
The truth was, Rose was being difficult. Years ago, when they’d all sighed at how difficult she was being, she’d felt misunderstood and angry that no one saw her side of things. Now she could recognize that she was exactly what they thought her to be. The difference was, they still didn’t see the heartache she was trying to heal from.
Matthew giggled again. Milly laughed with him.
Would it be so bad to have another child around? One who made her son smile when so few could?
Even Rose could admit that the only reason she said no was her anger toward Silas. Why should she help him when he’d hurt her?
But that wasn’t the way of forgiveness. She’d said the words and made the commitment to forgiving him. Which meant she couldn’t act out of the anger, no matter how deeply she felt it.