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www.millsandboon.co.uk
CONTENTS
CHAPTER ONE
CHAPTER TWO
CHAPTER THREE
CHAPTER FOUR
CHAPTER FIVE
CHAPTER SIX
CHAPTER SEVEN
CHAPTER EIGHT
CHAPTER NINE
CHAPTER TEN
CHAPTER ELEVEN
CHAPTER TWELVE
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
CHAPTER ONE
A GREAT deal could be done in two months.
The thought brought a feeling of satisfaction to Natalie Hayes as she walked from the foyer of the Regent Hotel and up the grand staircase leading to Kable’s Restaurant. Today she intended to show Damien Chandler precisely how much could be done in two months, and how much could be made to happen.
This luncheon was the ideal occasion to let Damien know she didn’t need him as a watchdog any more. She could take care of herself. Damien’s sense of duty—or was it guilt?—could finally be laid to rest.
She was back to her best weight. The bold orange dress was light-years away from any suggestion of lingering bereavement. It hugged her curves and highlighted both her recently acquired tan and the artful blonde streaks in her radically restyled hair. Damien couldn’t call her a pale ghost of herself today.
Her face had colour. She no longer had hollows in her cheeks. She had played up her light amber eyes with a subtle shading of brown and gold. The shorter, softer, brighter hairstyle suited her face much better than the long and rather lifeless fall of honey-coloured hair she had simply let grow in the past twelve months. Natalie was satisfied she looked quite pretty again, younger, and certainly up-to-date in every fashion sense.
She had felt absolutely confident about walking into this hotel, one of the classiest hotels in Sydney. She looked like a new woman. She felt like a new woman. She was a new woman.
There was a buoyant lilt of anticipation in her step as she reached the landing that led to the highly reputed restaurant. She was going to enjoy the surprise in Damien’s eyes. He would have to realise, must be made to realise, that she no longer required a crutch or a spur or advice or criticism. All these things he had supplied in abundance over the past year. It was time to bring it to a halt. A dead halt.
She saw him seated on the sofa beyond the receptionist’s desk. He was hunched forward, apparently contemplating the drink in his hand. Despite an air of weariness, probably from jet lag, he looked as impressive as he always did. A three-piece grey suit had the expensive sheen of silk in the fabric. Tailored for him in Hong Kong, Natalie surmised.
He glanced up and saw her.
The shock of recognition on his face was not the reaction Natalie had expected. Surprise, yes. She had hoped to surprise him. She had not expected a reaction that arrested all movement, dulled even further the light in his eyes, an outright withdrawal away from her into himself.
It was too extreme for Damien. It mangled the smile that had been hovering inside her. It sent an odd tingle of apprehension down her spine. She stopped walking. She was assailed by the sense of having a comfortable familiarity forcibly taken away from her.
Natalie had never seen Damien Chandler completely thrown by anything. He was always in charge of himself. He was always in charge of everything and everyone within his ambit. It was nigh on impossible to tell what went on inside the man. He revealed that to no one.
In the space of a few seconds, she saw total shock, followed by a twist of anguish, a jaw-clenching look of determination, veiled anger, then a plainly visible relaxation of his features into a smile of forced, lukewarm pleasure as he put his glass down and rose to his feet.
‘Natalie...’ He managed to inject both surprise and delight into his voice, although what he really felt Natalie had no idea. He moved to meet her. ‘What a joy to see you looking so brilliantly alive!’
Damien was a master of such blandishments. Natalie had heard him do it to every woman he had met over the years they had known each other. It sounded right. It was what she had wanted to hear. But something was missing. That something was approval. She couldn’t see it in his eyes.
Not that she needed Damien’s approval. It was simply that...why were his eyes full of questions instead of recognising she had answered all the criticisms he had angrily impressed on her at their last meeting?
Then he took hold of her hands as though it was the most natural thing in the world to do. But it wasn’t. Not with her. She had seen him perform the same welcoming gesture with other women, making a flirtatious intimacy of it and often accompanying it with a light kiss. He had never tried it with her. Never! Not even when she was Brett’s bride and Damien was best man at their wedding.
Her shoulder muscles stiffened as electric prickles ran up her arm. She didn’t understand what was going on. Damien wasn’t supposed to step out of the mould he had established in her mind as Brett’s closest friend and business partner. She did want him to drop the role of self-appointed guardian to Brett’s widow, but...his uncharacteristic behaviour was ruining everything.
It was a relief that he didn’t try to press any closer. If he had, she would have recoiled, unable to prevent the reflex action. As it was, she was acutely aware of the warmth and strength of the fingers enclosing hers, and the caressing graze of his thumbs across her knuckles.
‘I leave you a pale shadow of yourself, and I come back to find you glowing,’ he said in light bemusement, his tone belying the intense probe of his eyes. ‘You benefit from my absence. Is there some special reason behind the change?’
Natalie shrugged. ‘Lots of reasons.’ He was one of them. She forced a smile. ‘Wasn’t it your intention to jolt me into getting on with my life?’
‘The result is stunning.’
‘But you don’t like it.’
‘I prefer to have more time in which to make a judgement.’
He looked at her in a way he had never overtly looked at her before. Raw, jungle hunger. Natalie was stunned by the sudden blaze of uncloaked desire in his eyes. It burnt into her, making her feel naked and exposed. It bore no relation whatsoever to the kind and supportive business friendship they were supposed to be having. It sizzled with unrepressed sexuality.
She felt her heart catch. Her mind jumbled chaotically around the thought that Damien now saw her as different from the unexciting hausfrau she had been. And he was letting her know it. Without hesitation, he was jettisoning all of their past. The years of keeping his distance from her had just winked out.
He meant to have her. No doubt about that. Knowing Damien as she did, Natalie realised she would have her hands full trying to stop him. The charge of animal electricity coming from him had her nerves leaping like fire-crackers.
He released her hands. Natalie’s relief was short-lived. He smoothly moved to link one of her arms around his for escorting her into the restaurant. His eyes didn’t leave hers. ‘Hungry?’ he asked.
She wondered what type of hunger he had on his mind. ‘Yes,’ she said lightly, trying to fight the unsettling effect of his closeness.
Taking her arm was an ordinary enough courtesy. It was absurd to have this skittish feeling of wanting to shy away from him, to put more distance between them. He couldn’t seduce her into taking him as a lover. It would be like involving herself with Brett all over again. She wouldn’t consider it. Not in a million years. Damien had better put it out of his mind or this luncheon would come to a very abrupt end.
He gestured their readiness to the maître d’, who smiled and set off to lead them to their table.
Natalie registered that the smile was a typical female response to Damien. Most women would classify him as outstanding in the tall, dark and handsome category. Add to that the charisma of keen intelligence, a charm of manner based on rock-solid self-assurance, and the attention he drew was perfectly reasonable.
As they passed tables where women were seated, interested looks were cast his way. Damien Chandler commanded a second glance from everyone, men included. He carried the air of being someone. He stood out from the general run. People noticed him, remembered him. Such attributes were both social and business assets. Objectively, Natalie had recognised this long ago.
She would never have believed that the simple act of having her arm linked to his would make anything different, but it did. The looks directed at Damien slid to her, looks of envy and assessment, matching her against him as a couple. It did nothing for Natalie’s self-confidence.
All the same, Damien was not going to sweep her off her feet. She didn’t care how many women fancied him or how fanciable he was. She knew better than to lay her head on his chopping-block. Easy come, easy go. She had seen it too many times to be even faintly interested. That he could be turned on by her new image was virtually an insulting demonstration of how facile his sexual urges were.
Damien would never marry. Of that she felt certain. He had done it once, in his mid-twenties before they had ever met. From all accounts, it had been his wife who had walked out on him. Which carried its own message to Natalie.
She was glad to reach their table and be seated. She concentrated on laying her shoulder-bag beside the leg of her chair, smiling at the hovering waiter, ordering a champagne cocktail, smoothing the table napkin across her lap. The actions gave her time to recover some of the sense of well-being and purpose with which she had started out for this meeting.
She felt Damien’s gaze on her and glanced up to meet it, determined on acting naturally. ‘How was your trip?’ she asked.
‘Successful.’
That was normal. Damien was a powerhouse of energy and inspiration. She smiled. ‘Does this mean you’ll be back and forth to Hong Kong for the foreseeable future?’
‘No.’
His thick black lashes swept down. Combined with deeply set eyelids, they had the effect of making his eyes look dark from a distance. Their silvery-grey colour came as an intriguing surprise. When he looked up his expression was flint-like and purposeful.
‘I’ve sold the company, Natalie. It’s being taken over by a Chinese consortium that wants to spread its interests out of Hong Kong. If it’s allowed to do so.’
She was dumbstruck. Changes were coming thick and fast today. She could hardly put two thoughts together. Concern for him slashed through her mind, prompting the question, ‘Were you in financial trouble, Damien? Did paying me Brett’s share...’
‘No,’ he answered curtly. ‘As I told you before, and as cruel as it may seem, Brett’s death...’ He didn’t go on.
‘...was my financial solution,’ she concluded for him. The solution to several other problems as well, she thought bitterly. But the cost of it was still difficult to bear.
‘I never wish to refer to the matter again,’ Damien said, a hostility in his voice.
‘You’re not selling the company because of me,’ Natalie protested. ‘You can have the money back if you need it. I haven’t touched it.’
‘It has nothing to do with money, Natalie. I simply want to be out.’
‘Why? You’re so good at what you do. Surely...’ Her mind clicked on to another path. Was it because Brett was gone? Damien was superb at selling conversions for computer programs. He was brilliant at working out what was required by the clients, but Brett had been the force behind delivering what was promised. His was the genius that had put it all together and made it work.
‘It’s not the same without Brett,’ Damien said flatly. ‘The company has the personnel and expertise to carry on. It’s still a viable business, Natalie. But I miss Brett’s quick understanding of what’s needed. I’m reminded of him all the time. It was something we shared.’
‘Yes. Yes, I know.’
They’d been as close as, if not closer than brothers. That wasn’t to say they never fought over issues. They did. Like cats and dogs. In the end, they always stood together, no matter what. Their loyalty to each other was so strong that it overrode the loyalty owed to her.
The waiter brought their drinks and handed them menus. Natalie stared blindly at the printed list for several moments, realising for the first time that Damien’s grief had probably been as deep as her own. Worse, in the sense that he had been abseiling on the cliff, a helpless witness as first Ryan, then Brett, trying to save their son, fell to their deaths. At least she had been spared that.
Natalie fought back tears. She had to put her dead child behind her. She had to put the misery behind her. She had let grief swallow up her life long enough. She was not going to let her resolution slip now. She selected the Caesar salad as an entrée, and the Atlantic salmon for her main course, then set the menu aside.
Damien was watching her.
She raised her eyebrows. ‘So what do you plan to do?’
He relaxed. ‘I’m obliged to stay on with the company for six months to ease the change-over. There’s a three-year exclusion clause from taking on any similar type of work.’
‘That’s quite a lot of time to fill in.’
‘I have a project in mind.’
‘What is it?’
He looked intently at her, as though there should be some intimate understanding between them. ‘Don’t you have any idea?’
‘None whatsoever,’ she answered airily.
‘That makes everything a little more difficult.’
He paused a minute, reassessing the situation. She gave him no encouragement. She kept an expression of bland curiosity pasted on her face.
‘What are your plans, Natalie?’ he asked, deciding to approach his purpose from another angle. ‘Did you come to this meeting with a definite idea as to its outcome?’
An appalling thought struck her. Had Damien interpreted her new image as an attempt to attract him? Natalie burned with embarrassment. How could he entertain such an implausible idea? Perhaps, though, that was why he had looked at her in the way he did. The need to rectify any misunderstanding caused her amber eyes to glitter with fiery golden sparks.
‘Yes, I did.’
‘Well?’
‘I wanted to tell you certain things.’
He smiled encouragement, confident of holding his influence over her thoughts and actions. ‘Go ahead and tell me,’ he invited, gesturing with open hands.
‘For one thing, I don’t want you guarding me like a watchdog any more.’
His smile turned rueful. ‘It was only for your protection, Natalie. You were...rather lost and defenceless.’
‘Well, I’ve found my defences again.’
‘Fine!’
‘And I never want to hear another word of criticism from you. It’s my life and I’ll live it as I see fit. Not as you see fit.’
That sobered him. His eyes went still and wary.
Her chin lifted in defiant self determination. ‘I don’t want you to ever mention Brett again in my hearing,’ she added strongly. Her flow of thought then faltered under his hard, relentless stare.
‘Is that all?’ he asked tersely.
‘More or less,’ she answered. ‘But I’ll think of more if you press me.’
‘In other words, you want me out of your life.’
‘Yes.’
‘As a business advisor and as a friend?’
‘Yes.’
He left her no alternative if he wanted to mix sex with friendship. Her gratitude for what he had done for her didn’t extend that far. Nevertheless, she did feel a certain hollowness burrowing through her stomach. He had been like a cog around which her life had turned for a long time. A mainstay. Her head swam a little with the enormity of cutting free from him. Did she really want that?
‘Is there another man?’ His harsh tone of voice verged on the critical.
Natalie’s eyes flared. ‘Not yet. But there will be.’
He returned a steely challenge. ‘What do you really want, Natalie?’
Had he somehow read her mind? Sensed the doubt? The fearful uncertainty in severing all ties? Natalie focused hard on the question. If she was going to be her own woman, she had to know the answer. It came to her in a burst of bright clarity.
‘The best thing that ever happened to me was Ryan. I can’t replace him. He was a unique and wonderful child. But I can have another child who can be just as unique and wonderful, Damien. That’s what I intend to have.’
Damien sat back abruptly in his chair. Once again his face reflected shock. He stared at her as though he had never known her, an unseeing blankness in his eyes, all the clever intelligence frozen, or turned inward.
It sent a chill through Natalie’s heart. He had left her. The impulse to draw him back surged through her so wildly, words were spilling off her tongue before she could stop them.
‘Aren’t you glad to be rid of me? Aren’t you glad to have any responsibility to me set aside?’
The taunt succeeded. His eyes refocused on hers. ‘No.’
The stark negative gave her nothing to work on. Damn the man and his self-sufficiency! Why couldn’t he reveal what was going on inside him?
‘What purpose is there in our ever seeing each other again?’ she pressed. ‘Give me one good reason.’
‘Your husband was my friend,’ he said slowly, picking his words with care. ‘However much you think he loved you, I believe he was no friend to you.’
The import of those words was not lost on Natalie. She sat very still, holding her breath. Damien’s loyalty to Brett was cracking. Would he now speak the truth about her husband, reveal the infidelities he had helped to cover up? Did Damien even suspect how much she already knew, or was he still convinced he and Brett had artfully concealed everything?
He leaned forward. As though he had flicked a switch that flung open the windows of his mind, his eyes once more blazed with naked desire.
‘The reason I sold the company was to have the time to prove to you—conclusively and forever—that you married the wrong man, Natalie.’ The low throb of passion in his voice gathered a deep soul-shaking conviction as he added, ‘The man you should have married was me. Not Brett. Me!’
CHAPTER TWO
MARRIAGE? To Damien?
Natalie felt as though she had been pummelled in the solar plexus. Her mind was blown into whirling confusion. She stared incredulously at Damien, struggling to connect what she knew of him to the words he had spoken. He held her gaze, relentlessly reinforcing what he’d said with compelling intensity.
She supposed she should feel flattered a man of his many attractions wanting her. She wondered what influenced his choice. He hadn’t mentioned love. She wasn’t the first woman he’d wanted, and wouldn’t be the last. So why her?
Natalie’s shell-shocked mind finally grasped the motive behind Damien’s statement.
Brett.
She felt sick.
And angry.
She leaned forward, her eyes a golden shower of blistering sparks. ‘Even now, with Brett in the grave, you can’t help competing with him, can you? You can’t let go. You want to take me over to prove to your insatiable ego that you were the better man.’
He grimaced in frustration. ‘That’s nonsense! Why are you avoiding the obvious?’
‘The obvious is that Brett’s still on your mind,’ she retorted. ‘You began and ended your ridiculous claim with Brett. After I’d specifically asked you never to mention him to me again.’
‘So it still hurts that much, does it? Goddammit, Natalie, I’ve waited long enough! Will you recognise me for what I am?’
‘That’s the problem, Damien. I do recognise you for what you are. You told me straight out that you sold the company because it wasn’t any fun without Brett. It was something you shared. So what’s the new project? Me. Something else you can share with him in some tormented, twisted, perverted way.’
‘I’m not sharing you with anyone,’ he declared indignantly. ‘When I saw you today...’
‘You thought the fun could begin.’
From somewhere inside her came a billow of outrage. It activated a burst of adrenalin. She reached down, snatched her shoulder-bag from the floor, opened it, and grabbed her wallet.
‘I thought you had finally put your grief behind you,’ Damien continued.
‘I will not be beholden to you for anything, Damien.’ She found a twenty-dollar note and slapped it on the table. ‘That will pay for our drinks. I don’t want to eat with you. I don’t want to be with you. I will never, in any circumstance, sleep with you. Do you understand what those words mean?’
‘So the brave new front is just a charade,’ he mocked angrily. ‘You can’t face up to a different reality.’
‘What’s different?’ She returned her wallet to her bag and stood up, casting him a look of contempt. ‘If you want to prove you’re a better man than Brett, you can run after all the women he had on the side.’
‘What?’ He looked astounded, incredulous. ‘You knew?’
‘Of course I knew. And your part in it, as well.’
‘I played no part in it...’
‘Don’t lie to me, Damien. You covered up for Brett. He deceived me. You betrayed me.’
Disdaining to glance at Damien again, Natalie set off down the length of the dining-room to the exit of the restaurant.
‘Natalie...’ It was both a protest and an appeal.
She ignored it. She heard Damien coming after her, brushing past hovering waiters, but she neither turned her head nor slowed her pace. She felt utterly deflated and cast down. She should never have trusted the feeling that he meant well by her. It was a sham so he could win out in the end. Against a dead man.
As she stepped into the reception nook outside the restaurant, Damien caught her arm, forcibly halting her. She gave him an intimidating stare of icy rejection.
‘What did you want from me that I didn’t give?’ he demanded. ‘Tell me one thing.’
‘Approval. As in a-p-p-r-o-v-a-l. APPROVAL as in block letters. Approval as in italics. Simply approval. That’s what I wanted from you, Damien. That’s what you never gave me. Not even today.’
‘You’ve always had that, Natalie.’
‘Never.’
He dragged in a deep breath. ‘I’m sorry I was impatient with your grieving for Brett. Terribly sorry.’
‘I was grieving for Ryan, not Brett. Brett had whittled away my love for him. There was none left.’
‘How was I to know that? You never gave any indication. I never realised you were disillusioned with your marriage.’
‘Who parades private pain in public?’
His eyes narrowed. ‘How would you have reacted if I’d come running to tell you about Brett’s affairs? You would have hated me for it, Natalie.’
‘It would have destroyed your friendship,’ she mocked.
She wrenched her arm out of his grasp and headed for the staircase. What he said hurt. It bit painfully into her psyche. The deep-seated sense of rejection, the sense of failure, of being a discard, inadequate.
Damien fell into step beside her. ‘What makes you think I covered up for him?’
‘I know.’
‘Give me one example.’
‘You slipped up at the funeral.’ She paused at the head of the stairs to face him with bleak derisive eyes. ‘The woman who went on the camp with you and Brett that weekend...it was reported that she was your companion, Damien. She wasn’t.’
‘She was,’ he insisted.