A Merry Dialogue Declaringe the Properties of Shrowde Shrews and Honest Wives

xantip. That is no newes to me.

Eula. Though the woman shulde be well ware and wyse that she shulde neuer be disobedient vnto her husbād yet she ought to be most circūspect that at meting she shew her selfe redy and pleasaunt unto him.

xantyppa. Yea vnto a man, holde well withall but I am combred with a beast.

Eula. No more of those wordes, most commonly our husbādes ar euyll through our owne faute, but to returne againe vnto our taile they that ar sene in the olde fables of Poetes sai that Venus whome they make chiefe lady of wedlocke (hath a girdle made by the handy worke of Vulcan her Lorde, and in that is thrust al that enforceth love and with that she girdeth her whan so ever she lyeth wyth her housbande

xantippa. A tale of a tubbe.

Eulalya. A tayle it is, but herkē what the taile meaneth.

xantippa. Tell me.

Eulalia That techeth us that the wyfe ought to dyspose her selfe all the she maye that lieng by her husbād she shew him al the plesure that she cā; Wherby the honest love of matrimony may reuiue and be renewed, & that there with be clene dispatched al grudges & malice

xant. But how shall we come by the thys gyrdle?

Eula. We nede neyther wytchraft nor enchauntment, ther is non of them al, so sure as honest condiciōs accompayned with good feloshyp.

xan. I can not fauoure suche an husbande as myne is.

Eula, It is moste thy profyt that he be no longer suche. If thou couldest by thy Circes craft chaunge thin husband into an hogge, or a bore wouldest thou do it?

xantip. God knoweth.

Eu. Art thou in dout? haddest thou leauer marye an hogge than a mā.

Xantip. Mary I had leauer haue a manne.

Eulalia. wel, what and thou coudest by sorcery make him of a drōkarde a soober man, of a vnthrifte a good housbande of an ydell losell a towarde body, woldest thou not doe it?

xantip. yes, hardely, woulde I doe it. But where shoulde I learne the cunnyng?

Eula. For soth that cōning hast thou in the if thou wouldest vtter it, thyn must he be, mauger thy head, the towarde ye makest him, the better it is for the, thou lokest on nothing but on his leude cōdicions, and thei make the half mad, thou wouldest amende hym and thou puttest hym farther oute of frame, loke rather on his good condicions, and so shalt thou make him better. It is to late calagayne yesterdaie before thou were maryed unto hym. It was tyme to cōsyder what his fautes were for a women shold not only take her husbande by the eyes but by the eares. Now it is more tyme to redresse fautes thē to fynd fautes.

xantt. What woman euer toke her gusband by the eares.

Eulali. She taketh her husbande by the eyes that loketh on nothyng, but on the beautye and pulcritude of the body. She taketh him by the eares, that harkeneth diligētly what the common voice sayth by him

xantip. Thy counsaile is good, but it commeth a day after the faire.

Eula. Yet it commeth time ynough to bringe thyne husbande to a greate furtheraunce to that shall bee yf God sende you anie frute togither.

xantippa. We are spede alredy of that.

Eulaly. How long ago.

Xantip. A good whyle ago

Eulalia. How many monethes old is it.

Xantip. It lacketh lytle of. vii.

Eula What a tale is this, ye reken the monethes by nightes and dayes double.

Xantippa. Not so.

Eula. It can not be none other wyse, yf ye reken from the mariage day.

xantippa. yea, but what thē, I spake with him before we were maried.

Eulalia. Be children gotten by speakinge.

xantip. It befell so that he mette me alone and begon to ticke at me, and tickled me vnder the arme holes and sydes to make me laugh. I might not awaie with ticklynge, but fell downe backewarde vpon a bedde and he a lofte, neuer leuinge kyssynge on me, what he did els I can not saye, but by sayncte Marie within a while after my bely beganne to swell.

Eula. Go now and disprayse thine husbāde whiche yf he gette children by playe, what wyll he do whē he goeth to it in good ernest.

xantippa, I fere me I am payed agayin.

Eula. Good locke God hath sent a fruitfull grounde, a good tylmā.

Xantip. In that thing he might haue lesse laboure and more thanke.

Eula. Few wyues finde at theyr husbandes in that behalf but were ye thē sure togither.

xanti. yea that we were

Eula. The offence is the lesse. Is it a man chylde.

xantip. yea.

Eula. He shal make you at one so that ye wil bow & forbere. What saieth other mē by thin husband, they that be his cōpanions, they delite with him abrode

xā, They say that he is meruelous gentyl, redy to do euery man pleasure, liberal and sure to his frende.

Eula. And that putteth me in good cōfort that he wyll be ruled after our counsayll.

xantip. But I fynde him not so.

Eula. Order thy selfe to him as I haue tolde thee, and cal me no more true sayer but a lier, if he be not so good vnto the as to anie creature liuinge Again cōsidre this he is yet but a childe, I thinke he passethe not. xxiiij. the blacke oxe neuer trode on hys fote, nowe it is but loste laboure to recken vpon anye deuorse.

xantippa. Yet manye a tyme and ofte I haue troubled my braynes withal

Eulalia. As for that fantasye whensoeuer it commeth into your mynd first of all counte how naked a thynge woman is, deuorsed from man. It is the hyghest dignitie that longethe to the wyfe to obsequyous vnto her spouse. So hath natyre ordeined so god hath appoynted, that the woman shoulde be ruled al by the man loke onely vppon this whiche is trouth, thine husbande he is, other canste thou none haue. Againe forgette not that swete babe be gotten of both your bodies what thin beste thou to do with that, wilte thou take it awaye with thee? Thou shalte bereue thyne husband his ryght wylt thou leue it with hym? thou shalt spoile thy self of thy chefeste Jewell thou haste. Beside all this tell me trueth hast thou none euyll wyllers, Besyde all thys tell me trueth, hast thou none euyll wyllers.

xan. I haue a stepdame I warrant you, and myne husbandes mother euen such another.

Eula. Do they hate the so deadly.

xantip. They woulde se me hanged.

Eula. Thē forget not thē what greater plesure couldest thou shew them then to se the deuorsed from thine husband and to led a wydowes lyfe. Yea and worse thē a wydow, for wydowes be at their choise.

xantippa. I holde well with youre coūsell, but I can not awaye with the paynes.

Eulalia. yet recken what paines ye toke or ye colde teache your paret to speake.

xantippa. Exceadynge much.

Eu. And thinke you much to labour a lytel in reforming your husbād with whō you may liue merely all the dayes of your lyfe. What busines doe mē put thē self to be wel & easly horsed & shal we think our selues to good to take paines that we mai haue our husbādes gētil & curteise vnto vs.

xantip. What shal I do.

Eu. I haue told you al redy, se that al thing be clene & trim at home, that no sluttysh or vnclenlye syghtes dryue hym oute a dores. Be your selfe alwayes redy at a becke, berynge continuali in minde what reuerēce the wife oweth vnto her husbād. Be neyther in your dūpes, nor alwayes on your mery pinnes go nether to homely nor to nycely. Let your meat be cleane dressed, you know yourhusbādes diet. What he loueth best that dresse. Moreouer shewe your selfe louinge and fayre spokē vnto thē where he loueth, call them now and thē vnto your table. At meate, se that al thinges be well sauored, and make good there, And whē that he is toppe heuy playing on his lute, sytte thou by and singe to him so shalte thou make hym keepe home, and lessen hys expences This shall he thynke at length, in faythe I am a fonde felowe that maketh suche chere with a strumpet abroode with greate lossee bothe of substance and name, seyng that I haue a wyfe at home bothe muche fayrer, and one that loueth me ten times better, with whome I may be both clenlyer receiued and dayntelier cherisshed

xantip. Beleuest thou that it will take and I put it into a profe.

Eulali. Looke on me. I warrante it or ought longe I wyll in hande with thyne husbande, & I will tell hym his part.

xantippa. ye marie that is well sayde. But be wyse that he espie not our casle, he would plaie his fages, all the house should be to lytle for hym.

Eulalia. Take no thoughte. I shall so conuey my matters, that he shall dysclose all together hym selfe, what busynesse is betwene you, that done I wyll handell him pretelie as I thinke beste, and I truste to make him a new man for the and when I se my time I wyl make a lie for thee, how louinge thou hast spoken of him.

xantippa. Chryst spede vs and bringe our pupose well aboute.

Eulalia. He will not fayle the so thou do thy good wyll.

There was a man that maried a woman whiche hadde great riches and beawtye. Howe bee it she hadde suche an impedyment of nature that she was domme and coulde not speake, whiche thynge made him ryghte pensyfe, and sayd, wherfore vpon a daye as he walked alone ryght heuye in hearte thynkynge vpon his wyfe. There came one to hym and asked him what was the cause of his heuynesse whiche answered that it was onely bycause his wife was borne dōme. To whome this other said I shal shewe the soone a remedy and a medicyne (therfore that is thus) go tak an aspen leafe and lay it vnder her tōge this night shee beinge a sleape, and I warrant the that shee shall speake on the morowe whiche man beyng glad of thys medycyne prepared therfore and gathered aspen leaues, wherfore he layd thre of them vnder her tonge whan shee was a sleape. And on the morow when he him selfe awaked he Desyrous to know how hys medicine wrought being in bed with her, he demaunded of her how she did, and sodēly she answered and sayd, I beshrewe thy harte for waking me so early, and so by the vertue of that medycyne she was restored to her speche. But in cōclusion her spech encresed day by day and she was so curst of cōdycyon that euery daie she brauled and chyd with her husbande, so muche at the laste he was more weped, and had much more trouble and disease wyth her shrewed wordes then he hadde before whē she was dumme, wherfore as he walked another time alone he happened to mete agayne with the same personne that taught hym the sayde medycine and sayde to hym thys wyse. Syr ye taught me a medicin but late to make my domme wyfe to speake, byddynge me lay an aspen leafe vnder her toūg when she sleapte, and I layde three Aspen leaves there. Wherfore nowe she speaketh. But yet she speaketh soo much & so shrewdlye that I am more werier of her now, then I was when she was dōme: Wherfore I praie you teache me a medycine to modyfye her that she speake not so muche. This other answered and sayd thus. Sir I am a deuyl of hel but I am one of thē that haue least power there. Al be yet I haue power to make a womā to speake, but and yf a woman begin ones to speake, I nor al the deuyls in hel that haue the mooste power be not able to make a woman to be styll, nor to cause her to leue speakyng.