Kingdom Marriage: Finding Purpose in Love. Finding Purpose in Love
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© Emmanuella Torkwase Espinosa, 2026
ISBN 978-5-0071-1650-3
Created with Ridero smart publishing system
SYNOPSIS
In a world that often seems to prioritize fleeting connections over enduring bonds, the concept of a kingdom marriage stands as a beacon of hope, illuminating the transformative power of love rooted in faith. This book is not merely a guide; it is a heartfelt invitation to explore the depths of Godly marriages and the profound impact they can have on our lives. With each page, I aim to share the beauty of love that transcends the ordinary, drawing from personal experiences that have shaped my understanding of what it means to truly partner with someone in a covenant relationship through divine help from God.
As I reflect on my own journey of how God prepared me for a covenant marriage, I am reminded of the moments that tested our commitment, the challenges that sought to pull us apart, and the divine interventions that brought us closer together. Each trial was a lesson, each victory a testament to the strength found in a marriage built on faith. Through these stories, I hope to inspire others to embrace the idea that marriage is not just a legal contract but a sacred covenant — a reflection of God’s love for us.
In these pages, you will find practical insights, biblical wisdom, and encouraging testimonies that affirm the belief that love, when centered on God, can withstand any storm. Kingdom marriage is about more than just coexistence; it is about thriving together, nurturing one another’s dreams, and walking hand in hand on the path that God has laid out for us. It is a journey that requires intentionality, prayer, and a willingness to grow both individually and as a couple.
As you embark on this exploration with me, I encourage you to open your heart and mind to the possibilities that a faith-based marriage can bring. Let us discover together how love, when anchored in hope and faith, can transform not only our relationships but also our lives, communities, and the world around us. Welcome to a journey of understanding, healing, and divine love — welcome to the Kingdom Marriage.
Marriage is a complex and multifaceted institution that has been a fundamental part of human society for centuries. It is often defined as a legally and socially recognized union between individuals, typically characterized by emotional, romantic, and sometimes spiritual bonds. While the concept of marriage can vary significantly across different cultures and religions, several common themes are often present.
###1. **Cultural Significance**
Marriage is deeply embedded in cultural traditions and practices. In many societies, it is seen as a rite of passage, symbolizing the transition from single life to a partnership. Wedding ceremonies often reflect cultural heritage, with unique rituals, attire, and customs that celebrate the union.
###2. **Legal Aspects**
In most countries, marriage carries legal implications, including rights and responsibilities related to property, healthcare, and inheritance. Legal recognition of marriage can provide partners with specific benefits, such as tax advantages, spousal rights, and access to joint insurance plans.
###3. **Emotional and Social Aspects**
At its core, marriage is about companionship, love, and support. It provides a framework for individuals to build a life together, share experiences, and navigate challenges. The emotional bond formed in marriage can lead to a sense of security, intimacy, and fulfillment.
###4. **Challenges and Growth**
While marriage can be a source of joy, it also comes with challenges. Partners may face conflicts, differing expectations, and external pressures. Successful marriages often require effective communication, compromise, and a willingness to grow together.
Couples may seek counseling or support to navigate difficult times.
###5. **Evolving Definitions**
The concept of marriage has evolved over time, especially in relation to geographical roles, sexuality, and individual rights. For example, same-sex marriage has become legally binding in many countries around the world, challenging the traditional notion of marriage and broadening its definition to include diverse unions. However, this does not mean it should be accepted as a substitute for the fundamental purpose of traditional marriage, which is the exclusive union between a man and a woman who contribute to society and procreation. Since the concept of marriage as God originally intended it has been challenged by various uncomfortable perspectives in our ever-evolving world, it is important to honestly understand the fundamental purposes of marriage. This leads me to the sole purpose of writing this book on marriage according to the principles of God’s kingdom.
###6. **Personal Reflection**
For many, marriage is a deeply personal commitment that reflects individual values, beliefs, and aspirations. It can be a source of personal growth, as partners learn to navigate their differences and support each other’s dreams.
Marriage is a significant aspect of human relationships, encompassing legal, cultural, emotional, and social dimensions. It can offer profound rewards and challenges, ultimately serving as a mirror of society’s values and a foundation for family life.
As societal norms continue to evolve, so too does the understanding of what marriage means, making it a dynamic and ever-relevant topic.
Marriage traditions vary widely across different cultures, each with its unique customs, rituals, and meanings. Here are some specific cultural traditions associated with marriage in various societies:
###1. **India: Saptapadi**
In many Indian weddings, particularly among Hindus, the Saptapadi (Seven Steps) is a significant ritual. The couple takes seven steps together, each representing a vow they make to each other, such as promises of love, fidelity, and support. The ceremony is often accompanied by vibrant celebrations and rituals, including the exchanging of garlands and elaborate feasting.
###2. **Japan: Shinto Ceremony**
Traditional Japanese weddings often take place in Shinto shrines. The couple wears traditional attire: the bride in a white kimono (shiromuku) and the groom in a black kimono. A key ritual is the san-san-kudo, where the couple takes three sips from three cups of sake, symbolizing their union and the joining of their families.
###3. **Mexico: Lazo**
In Mexican weddings, a lazo (a rope or floral wreath) is placed around the couple’s shoulders after they exchange vows, symbolizing their union and the binding of their lives together. This is often accompanied by a Catholic mass and vibrant festivities with music, dancing, and traditional foods.
###4. **Greece: Stefana**
In Greek Orthodox weddings, the couple is crowned with stefana (wedding crowns) made of flowers or metal, symbolizing their roles as king and queen of their own home. The crowns are connected by a ribbon, representing their unity. The couple then walks around the altar three times, signifying their journey together.
###5. **China: Tea Ceremony**
In Chinese weddings, the tea ceremony is a vital tradition. The couple serves tea to their elders as a sign of respect and gratitude. In return, the elders offer blessings and gifts, often in the form of red envelopes containing money, symbolizing good fortune and prosperity.
###6. **African Traditions: Bride Price**
In many African cultures, the practice of paying a bride price (lobola) is common. This involves the groom or his family providing gifts or money to the bride’s family as a sign of respect and commitment. The wedding ceremony may also include vibrant dances, music, and traditional attire that reflect the couple’s heritage.
###7. **Scottish Tradition: Handfasting**
In Scotland, hand-fasting is an ancient custom where the couple’s hands are tied together with a ribbon or cord, symbolizing their union. This tradition can occur during a wedding ceremony or as part of an engagement, and it emphasizes the couple’s commitment to each other.
###8. **Jewish Tradition: Chuppah**
In Jewish weddings, the couple stands under a chuppah (a canopy) during the ceremony, symbolizing their new home together. The ceremony often includes the signing of the ketubah (marriage contract) and the breaking of a glass, representing the fragility of relationships and the joy of the occasion.
###9. **Filipino Tradition: Unity Candle**
In Filipino weddings, a unity candle ceremony is common, where the couple lights a single candle together from two separate candles. This symbolizes their coming together as one family. The ceremony is often rich with cultural elements, including traditional attire and music.
###10. **Nordic Tradition: Ring Exchange**
In Nordic countries, the exchange of rings is a significant part of the marriage ceremony. Traditionally, wedding rings are worn on the left hand, symbolizing love and commitment. Some couples also participate in a “handfasting” ceremony, similar to the Scottish tradition.
These traditions reflect the diverse ways in which cultures celebrate the union of two individuals, highlighting the importance of community, family, and shared values in the institution of marriage.
In a world where marriage is only seen as a celebration but not as an institution that should be taken seriously and nurtured by the individuals that have agreed to come into the marriage there is need for us to go back to the sole purpose of marriage and why God intended for us to be married and stay married. A marriage involves the coming together of two separate individuals a man and a woman to be joined together as one by a legal agreement in the presence of two or several witnesses in an event called wedding. A kingdom marriage however, is a marriage that is God centered.
Kingdom marriage, also known as covenant marriage, is a marriage in which a man and a woman agree to unite as one in a marriage covenant known as Holy Matrimony for the purposes of the Kingdom of God and to fulfill God’s will for marriage on earth, as the spouses seek to use their gifts and desires to accomplish God’s works by serving others and advancing the Kingdom of God here on earth so that God’s name may be glorified.
Marriage according to the kingdom of God illustrates His original plan for us: that we be His bride and He, our husband, Jesus Christ. Therefore, couples called to enter into marriage according to the kingdom of God, also known as covenant marriage, prepare for this union, which depends on God. Since God is at the center of this union, couples submit to God first before submitting to each other in marriage, and the Holy Spirit is the threefold bond that unites them.
In contrast, a worldly marriage doesn’t put God at the center, but rather focuses on other aspects that might unite the couple. Therefore, divorce can easily occur in a worldly marriage, as it is based on selfish motives and carnal purposes. In a worldly marriage, problems of division, jealousy, pride, manipulation, and control can arise. On the other hand, a covenant marriage is not governed by selfishness or lust, but by the guidance of the Holy Spirit. While a worldly marriage may be driven by lust, a covenant marriage is guided by the Spirit. Therefore, the stirring of the heart upon experiencing a surge of emotions when meeting someone is a sign that this person is not good for you; therefore, it is dangerous to marry such a person, since it is their flesh that makes the decisions, not the Holy Spirit guiding them through discernment.
In writing about a “kingdom marriage,” I define it as a sacred and purposeful union between two individuals that is founded on the principles of faith, love, and commitment to God. It goes beyond the traditional understanding of marriage as a mere legal contract or societal expectation. Here are some key elements that encapsulate the essence of a kingdom marriage:
— **Covenantal Relationship**: A kingdom marriage is rooted in the belief that marriage is a divine covenant instituted by God. This means that both partners commit not only to each other but also to God, recognizing that their relationship is a reflection of His love and faithfulness.
— **Faith-Centered**: At the heart of a kingdom marriage is a shared faith in God. Both partners prioritize their spiritual growth and seek to align their marriage with biblical teachings. This foundation of faith fosters resilience and unity in the face of challenges.
— **Mutual Respect and Honor**: In a kingdom marriage, there is a deep respect for one another as individuals created in the image of God. This respect translates into honoring each other’s dreams, goals, and unique contributions to the relationship.
— **Purposeful Partnership**: A kingdom marriage is marked by a shared sense of purpose. Couples in a kingdom marriage work together to fulfill their God-given calling, whether in their personal lives, family, or community. They support each other in their individual missions while also pursuing a collective vision.
— **Unconditional Love and Grace**: Inspired by God’s love for us, a kingdom marriage emphasizes the importance of unconditional love, forgiveness, and grace. Couples learn to navigate conflicts with compassion and understanding, recognizing that they are both imperfect beings on a journey of growth.
— **Joyful Servanthood**: In a kingdom marriage, both partners embrace the role of servant-leaders. They seek to uplift and support one another, finding joy in serving each other and their family. This selflessness cultivates a nurturing environment where love can flourish.
— **Community and Accountability**: Kingdom marriages thrive within a supportive community of fellow believers. Couples engage in accountability, mentorship, and fellowship, recognizing that they are part of a larger body of Christ. This connection provides encouragement and strength during life’s challenges.
By defining a kingdom marriage in these terms, I aim to convey that it is not just about the relationship between two people, but also about their relationship with God and their commitment to embodying His love in every aspect of their lives. This understanding invites readers to aspire to a higher standard of love and partnership, grounded in faith and purpose. A kingdom marriage promotes God and His kingdom.
CHAPTER ONE
ADAPTING A KINGDOM MINDSET AFTER A ROUGH START IN LIFE
It was a fantastic moment to reflect as I recounted the circumstances that led me to trust and believe in God’s word for a kingdom marriage, which would be made manifest in the physical world years later. As a child, I always prayed and wished that my parents would be a happy and loving couple because I wanted our home to be beautiful, peaceful and warm so that my siblings and I could enjoy the unity of our parents’ union. But that was a wish that never came true in the family I come from. I experienced the toxic relationship my mom and dad had. I witnessed the constant fights and arguments, the sleepless nights my dad spent just to start a fight. Oh, yes! As a child, I went to break up fights between my dad and my mom, my mum’s terrifying screams of “He’s killed me, ooh, Torkwase, your dad wants to kill me, come! Come! Come!”, while I, young and naive, went and could do nothing because I was caught between my mom and my dad, who was bigger than me and was hitting my mum when I walked in, I was helpless, all I could do was say dad, stop hitting mum.
The tension was so high the room felt like a sophisticated cage. Then, the anger emanating from my father was so intense and felt undeniably justified. His gaze was so violent that when I finally grasped the meaning of domestic violence, it took me years to recover from the trauma because I witnessed it firsthand, not from the outside, but from within the confines of my home. The domestic violence was directed at my beloved mother, who essentially stood up and took the lead in caring for my siblings and me without any resentment toward my father. According to his own conception of marriage, he had repeatedly told my mother that she and everything she owned belonged to him, while my father’s property belonged exclusively to him. This assertion harks back to the history of my country’s culture, which seems to view women as property that a man buys when he goes to pay the parents’ dowry.
As a consequence, the fundamental purpose of marriage has been thwarted by the cultural belief systems that most African nations maintain to this day. This has led many malicious men, with the means to pay the dowry, to become possessive of their wives and deny them their legal rights as equals in marriage, manipulating them in various ways to succumb to unfair and biased treatment by their husbands, and even harsher treatment by their in-laws in some cases. In the case of my parents this happened when my father allowed his mother have a say about the matters of his personal life and marriage and for peace to reign in the family my mother endured a lot of hardship in her marriage. Even though, my mother embraced pleasing her people especially her in-laws at that time of her marriage to my father, she still experienced hardship in her home just by being nice and accommodating to her in laws.
Trying to please others could lead us to a terrible place in life and in our destiny. The one we should strive to please is God, and what we are capable of doing for everyone is based on the love and grace that God bestows upon us. That said, I saw and heard how my paternal grandmother mistreated my mother, trying to control everything that happened in our family. She dictated the kind of food my father had to buy us and demanded that my mother hand over her entire salary to my father every time she received it, which, in her opinion, was a sign of a good wife if my mother could do that. But when my mother rebelled against her advice and refused, she became her enemy. She began encouraging my father to let my mother take on the financial responsibility of buying clothes and paying bills for my siblings and me, and even encouraged him to bring unknown women into their home. Then one day in 2003, my mother went to see my father because he hadn’t returned from his mother’s house, which was an hour away from our family home. She drove there and found a woman with my father in the room where they usually stayed when we visited his mother. When my mother asked him why he hadn’t returned home as usual after spending the weekend at his mother’s, he didn’t know what to say, but seeing the woman with him gave my mother the answer she needed. My mother was furious to discover that this woman was her own English student, whom she was teaching at the time. My mother started dragging the woman out, I suppose out of betrayal and rage upon learning what had just happened between her husband and the woman, who was also a student of my father’s, since my parents worked as professors at the same institution of higher learning at the time. While my mother was hitting the woman, my father’s mother came to the defense of my mother’s student and began hitting my mother, which was terrible. My mother belongs to a different tribe (Idoma), while the student was from my father’s tribe (Tiv). Because my father’s mother was a tribal woman, she chose the stranger over my mother. That day, my mother came home with her forehead covered in bruises, and it was devastating to see her like that. At that moment, I couldn’t understand why my father had done that or why he had allowed his mother to hit his wife over a stranger. The people my mother called family chose a stranger over her, and this made me understand now that family is not something we should build based solely on feelings, but on a purpose and God’s divine help.
I observed how most women in my state became providers and men became dictators in their homes, contributing nothing to the financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being of their wives and children, but only attending events like traditional weddings to receive praise and recognition for raising their children. I wondered why this was happening and why no one was making an effort to uphold the biblical values of marriage found in Scripture (Ephesians 5), even though most families profess to be Christian and continue to rely on traditional forms of marriage that only benefit the men in that society. Then, I told myself that I didn’t want to become part of the statistics of marriages marked by gender bias and the selfishness of self-centered parents who only seek recognition in happy moments like weddings, to take credit for something in which they haven’t actively participated. I longed to see a shift in the narrative surrounding fatherhood, motherhood, and marriage as a whole, to serve and glorify God, honoring the core guidelines written in Scripture, which are for the benefit of believers and useful for doctrine, reproof, and correction. As they say, wisdom is useful for guidance.
As I grew up and began to feel attracted to the opposite sex, I prayed every night asking the good Lord Jesus Christ to give me a man who would love and revere Him in our marriage. I remember praying that I didn’t want to marry a man like my father and asking Him (God) to please help me choose the right partner. I also remember ending many relationships with men as soon as we started talking and getting to know each other, and I sensed, or perhaps noticed, some trait of my father’s personality in them. I was very cautious and careful when dealing with men because I was terrified of getting involved with someone like my father. It was so traumatic that I would enter and exit relationships without becoming emotionally attached. I realized that it’s possible to love someone but still be emotionally unavailable because there’s no emotional connection with that person. I became extremely observant and watchful, and although I genuinely cared, I was never ready to settle down with someone who displayed any of my father’s traits in a relationship. I viewed marriage as a prison sentence growing up because I didn’t have a clear understanding of God’s intended meaning.
Furthermore, having witnessed some forms of toxic parenting in the society in which I grew up made me perceive marriage as a form of slavery that parents send their daughters into to satisfy their own selfish interests. Given that, some toxic parents used their daughters to improve their lifestyle, encouraging them to marry men they didn’t care about or even know, simply because these men could support the family. Thus, even after the wedding ceremony, if the daughters were subjected to cruel treatment and harsh realities, in most cases they felt pressured to remain in abusive homes to continue funding their family’s lifestyle. Since some daughters may be financially unable to leave an abusive marriage due to the cost of repaying the dowry upon separation, some of these abusive husbands may demand repayment of all the money they have spent on them and their families before they can leave the abusive marriage. Because some toxic parents allow the “upgrading” process to begin as soon as men show interest in their daughters, presenting a long list of what the man must buy and do for the woman’s family, some families may demand that a car be bought for them or even that a house be built or renovated before traditional marriage rites are performed for their daughters, making it difficult for them to want to leave a toxic marriage. The second type of toxic parents often demands help and favours from his daughters, especially if they are the eldest. These fathers automatically transfer the burden of their younger ones to her and her new family, to the point that the husband feels overwhelmed by the excessive demands and begins to lose respect for his family. This becomes a serious problem that eventually causes difficulties in their home or even leads to divorce, and she ends up returning to her parents’ home.