The Highly Sensitive Man

Copyright

The reader is advised that this book is not intended to be a substitute for an assessment by, and advice from, an appropriate medical professional(s). This book contains general information regarding high sensitivity and should be viewed as purely educational in nature.

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German language edition © 2017 by Junfermann Verlag.

English translation by Ben Fergusson.

This translation published by arrangement with Agence Schweiger.

English language edition first published in the US by Citadel Press Books, Kensington Publishing Corp. 2019

This Thorsons edition published 2019

FIRST EDITION

© Tom Falkenstein 2019

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Tom Falkenstein asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work

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Source ISBN: 9780008366445

Ebook Edition © September 2019 ISBN: 9780008366452

Version 2019-08-19

Contents

Cover

Title Page

Copyright

Dedication

Epigraph

Foreword by Elaine Aron

Introduction

PART 1: THE PHENOMENON OF HIGH SENSITIVITY

1. A Turning Point in Masculinity: The Importance of Highly Sensitive Men in Society

2. Understanding High Sensitivity: The Scientific Background and Why People Differ in Their Innate Sensitivity

3. Identifying High Sensitivity: Am I Highly Sensitive?

4. Everyday Effects of High Sensitivity and How It Differs from Psychological Disorders

PART 2: LIVING (WELL) AS A HIGHLY SENSITIVE MAN

5. Strategies to Deal With Overstimulation and Intense Emotions: What Emotional Regulation Is and Why It Matters for Highly Sensitive Men

6. Strategies to Deal With Overstimulation and Intense Emotions: Mindfulness and Acceptance

7. Strategies to Deal With Overstimulation and Intense Emotions: Relaxation and Imagery Exercises

8. Your Relationship with Yourself: How Do You Relate to Your High Sensitivity?

9. Self-Worth and Self-Care for Highly Sensitive Men

10. Conclusions

Appendix: A Conversation with Elaine Aron About Highly Sensitive Men

Endnotes

Acknowledgments

List of Searchable Terms

Praise

About the Author

About the Publisher

Dedication

For Ben and Theo

Epigraph

This excessive sensitiveness very often brings an enrichment of the personality and contributes more to its charm than to the undoing of a person’s character. Only, when difficult and unusual situations arise, the advantage frequently turns into a very great disadvantage, since calm consideration is then disturbed by untimely affects. Nothing could be more mistaken, though, than to regard this excessive sensitiveness as in itself a pathological character component. If that were really so, we should have to rate about one quarter of humanity as pathological.

A certain innate sensitiveness produces a special prehistory, a special way of experiencing infantile events, which in their turn are not without influence on the development of the child’s view of the world. Events bound up with powerful impressions can never pass off without leaving some trace on sensitive people. Some of them remain effective throughout life, and such events can have a determining influence on a person’s whole mental development.

—CARL JUNG, on particularly sensitive people, 1913

Foreword

I REALLY LIKE SENSITIVE MEN just because of those two words. First, they are men and I usually like being with men. Second, they are highly sensitive. To me, that means I can have deep conversations with them. Superficial small talk is so boring for the highly sensitive. These men have ideas. But they are also usually better listeners than the average man. They often show warmth and empathy. If you dig down, not far, you find they have a spiritual vein. They are generally ethical in their behavior and nonviolent. They are never perfect, trust me on that, but that’s good, too.

So I like that combination: sensitive man. If you are reading this, I assume that those words describe you or someone you care about. This book is about joining those two words in your mind, as a wonderful thing, just as I join them.

If you are a sensitive man, please make that leap to valuing yourself, not only for yourself but also for the rest of us. We really, really, really need you. We need you to find ways to influence the world because you have what it takes—deep ideas, the ability to find the best strategies, empathy for others, and ethics. But we want you to do it in the right way for you. And we want you to do whatever healing you need and to stay grounded in your center, to not be overstimulated. There’s no need to burn out. Nothing is helped in the long run by that. You need to keep renewing your equanimity, meaning your wisdom, and this book is a treasure trove of ways to do that.

About your author: The minute I met Tom Falkenstein in 2015 I liked him. Getting to know him just a little more, I saw that Tom had everything needed to write this book: he has a good grasp of the science behind sensitivity and enough training and experience to have a wealth of practical ideas. Above all, he is a licensed clinician, meaning, among many other things, that he can tell sensitivity from psychological disorders. Sometimes highly sensitive people are misdiagnosed and do not have a disorder. Sometimes highly sensitive people can have a disorder. And sometimes a person will want to think the only problem is sensitivity, when there is actually something else there and the person is not highly sensitive at all. Tom understands all of this and will impart that to you as well.

Given all of this, I have been happy to help him in any way I could with this book. We had several video calls, Berlin to San Francisco. He asked good questions, and I think we enjoyed ourselves, too. Working with him, I found I trusted him, and I wish you could meet him, too. But I am sure his author’s voice will come across to you as warm, authentic, knowledgeable, and experienced—highly sensitive, perhaps like you.

—Elaine Aron

San Francisco

Introduction

“I HATE THAT I’M SO sensitive!” My client, a man in his mid twenties, was sitting across from me and had just clearly expressed how and why he felt so angry. It was the first warm day in London that spring, and suddenly the room was completely still. This young man had been coming to the clinic for some time and was being treated for recurrent depression. I was his psychotherapist, and over the course of his treatment, we kept indirectly coming back to the topic of sensitivity. But this was the first time that he had openly identified himself as sensitive and the first time that he had revealed the self-hatred he felt about his sensitivity. It was, for him, a painful but important step in dealing with his sensitive temperament, which he had struggled with since he was a child. For me, it was a key moment in my professional career because this client had clearly identified something that I had encountered countless times over the years in my work without, until that moment, having had a name for it or being able to concretely identify the phenomenon—the highly sensitive man.

During my postgraduate training in psychotherapy in Berlin, I kept coming across a particular type of client that I experienced as particularly sensitive, thoughtful, intuitive, conscientious, often introverted, and sometimes shy. These clients came to therapy for the most varied reasons: depression, anxiety, relationship problems. But they all shared an underlying characteristic: they were very sensitive, and because of this, they experienced their internal and external worlds in a very subtle and perceptive way.

After a while, I realized that I particularly enjoyed working with this group of clients, precisely because of the way that they perceived and dealt with the world. But it also became increasingly clear to me that it was my male, rather than my female clients who had the greatest problems with the sensitivity that they described and who in therapy often expressed a desire to be less sensitive. Again and again, I saw the huge amount of psychological suffering caused by the discrepancy between how these men were and how they thought a man should be. They often felt shame and a sense of inferiority about their sensitive disposition, which had been part of their lives since childhood, and they saw their sensitivity as “unmanly,” “feminine,” and “unattractive.” Many had tried for a long time to deny their sensitivity or to hide it from others—nearly always in vain. The conviction that being sensitive meant that you couldn’t be manly seemed deeply rooted.

During my sessions, I constantly heard male clients saying that they wished they were tougher, more physically and mentally resilient, and that they wished they could learn to be more extroverted in social situations. They usually thought that it was this that would make them more successful in their jobs and more attractive to potential partners. Often these men also wanted to have less-conflicted relationships with their own fathers and with other men. Essentially, though, it always came back to the same basic idea: they wanted to be more like what they saw as a “typical man.” And this typical man was not particularly sensitive.

At that time, I hadn’t yet come across the concept of high sensitivity as an innate temperamental trait (i.e., a characteristic that you are born with) and wasn’t aware of the extensive research done regarding the highly sensitive person (HSP) by the clinical psychologist Elaine Aron, Ph.D., and her colleagues. She has been researching this concept since the early 1990s, when she began to look into the concept of “innate sensitivity” in certain people. It was a concept that Carl Jung, the Swiss psychiatrist and founder of analytical psychology, had described as early as 1913. With my interest piqued by my experiences in London, I began to read more and more about human sensitivity and discovered the concept of sensory processing sensitivity, as high sensitivity is called in academic research. I had the feeling that I had come across a groundbreaking psychological concept that was going to have a huge impact on my work as a therapist. The idea that people are born with different sensitivities that affect the way that they react to the world around them seemed to explain so many things I had seen in my practice. So over the next few years, I immersed myself in all of the available material on high sensitivity and began a dialogue with Elaine Aron, who gave me an in-depth personal insight into her research and her therapeutic work with highly sensitive patients.

As I began to investigate the subject of high sensitivity more deeply, I really struggled to find books that described the specific challenges of high sensitivity from a male perspective. The majority of books on high sensitivity were written by women and seemed to be primarily aimed at female readers. Yet in my psychotherapeutic practice and my consultancy work, I saw that it was particularly men who struggled with being highly sensitive. And although a few self-help books touch on the difficulties that sensitive men experience when trying to live up to traditional ideas about masculinity in Western culture, there is still no book that really focuses on the topic of highly sensitive masculinity, which, of course, only exacerbates the taboo around it. That’s what I want to change with this book.

It is important to me that this book contributes to the long-neglected issue of empowerment for highly sensitive men because I believe that their role in the world is very important and that it comes with many challenges and opportunities. I consider the high sensitivity of many men to be a completely essential part of masculine identity and something that can enrich the lives of these men and the lives of others. Sensitivity is in no way a shameful or “unmanly” flaw that one has to get over.

To see the opportunities that your sensitivity offers you, however, you have to learn to deal well and responsibly with it. You have to accept it, learn to value it, and use it positively in your relationships with other people. When this happens, I believe that a highly sensitive disposition can make men particularly good fathers, husbands, partners, son, brothers, and friends.

At the same time, I think it’s important to say that your high sensitivity—once you’ve detected it and identified it—should not be used as an excuse to avoid doing things that you actually just don’t want to do. I also believe that it is not something to become arrogant or boastful about, in the sense of “I’m special, because I’m so sensitive.” High sensitivity is a completely neutral disposition, an innate temperamental trait.1 Having a highly sensitive disposition is not automatically a good thing nor is it a bad thing. It is, of course, an important part of your personality, but at the end of the day it is exactly that—one part, one aspect of your complex personal makeup. I thus feel that it’s problematic to reduce yourself to that one quality or to wear your highly sensitive nature like a badge of honor. I see highly sensitive men as neither “delicate flowers” nor as “golden children.”

In my work with highly sensitive clients, I often compare a highly sensitive disposition to being born with very fair skin. You can complain that you weren’t born with darker skin, and you might be envious of friends who are able to sun themselves on the beach, in the garden, or in the park and not worry about burning. But at the end of the day, you have to accept that your skin is different. It’s not better, not worse, just different. People with very fair skin can also go sunbathing if they want; they just can’t stay in the sun for as long as other people. They also have to take different precautions, such as using high SPF sunscreen, finding somewhere shady to sit, and wearing a hat or light-colored clothing. In fact, people with pale skin can enjoy the “sunny” moments in life just as much as anyone else; they just have to learn how to do it in their own and sometimes a slightly different way. And that’s the crux of the matter: to accept the situation as it actually is and, ultimately, to find your own individual and authentic way of learning to live with it.

There has been a sharp increase in the number of publications on and academic research into high sensitivity over the last few years. Through this, the term high sensitivity is becoming increasingly well recognized internationally. My guess is that this also has something to do with the time in which we currently live. I notice that many people feel that their personal lives and their careers are increasingly fast paced and achievement oriented, and they often feel constantly stressed, exhausted, overstimulated, and under nonstop pressure. The line dividing our private and public lives continues to become more and more blurred, and Western society increasingly seems to celebrate and demand that we cultivate personality traits that aren’t normally associated with sensitive, introverted, and reserved people.

What is increasingly valued is the ability to push on through, to work quickly and make quick decisions, to be able to do many things at once, and to appear self-confident and extroverted in front of groups of people—whether it’s with other children in the kindergarten or primary school or with other adults in the workplace. Added to this is the value placed on making a good first impression, the pressure to be constantly available via email and cell phone, and the ability to present yourself well, whether on social media or in real life. Many psychologists and psychiatrists have gone as far as labeling this as an “epidemic of narcissism”2 in what they term a “narcissistic society.”3

It would seem, in the West, that more and more value is being placed on behaviors and qualities that highly sensitive people either often find more difficult to access or that make them feel overstimulated or exhausted. And yet these are the very qualities and positive characteristics of many highly sensitive people—a high capacity for empathy, emotional depth, and subtlety, a tendency to deal with things in an ethical way, and a finely tuned sense of perception—that seem more important now than ever before if we are going to be able to deal with the social and economic challenges of our world.

I believe that dealing with your own specific sensitivity in a natural and authentic way is not just vital for every single man but also vital for society as a whole. If highly sensitive men are able to live in harmony with their temperaments, to use their skills actively and positively, and to no longer feel ashamed about them, hide them, or believe that they make them inferior as people, then they can profoundly change the relationship that they have with themselves. But this will also change their relationship with other people, whether family, friends, or colleagues, and this could have far-reaching consequences. Because, through this, society’s conception of what it means to be a man could change. We could have a less rigid, less narrow, freer, more complex understanding of masculinity. The result of this change, which is already happening, could be a more realistic and more authentic male image, so that being manly and being sensitive no longer seem to be mutually exclusive. I believe that sensitive men in particular could drive this change and even lead it, but they can only do so if they have accepted their own high sensitivity and can sense that they are important, not just for the evolution of men but also of society as a whole.

This book is written in two parts: theory and practice. In the first part of the book, I will use theoretical concepts from the fields of psychology and medicine to discuss how we see men in contemporary Western society and the unique problems they are currently facing. I will illuminate the negative effects that a traditional, antiquated image of men can have and explain why it is highly sensitive men in particular who have the power to bring about necessary change and who thus have huge social value. I will then give you an overview of how the concept of high sensitivity was developed and describe exactly what high sensitivity is, as well as what it is not, and how you can tell whether you yourself are highly sensitive. You will learn what the typical characteristics of highly sensitive men are, but also how being highly sensitive can be both a challenge and an asset. And you will also learn to differentiate high sensitivity from psychological disorders.

In the second half of the book, I will give you practical tools that will help you deal with the challenges of being highly sensitive and the situations that highly sensitive people often find difficult. I will show you how you can fundamentally improve the quality of your everyday life through emotional regulation, mindfulness, acceptance, relaxation, self-compassion, and self-care. And I’ll show you the best way of putting these techniques into practice. I will offer you concrete exercises and numerous strategies that have been particularly helpful to my highly sensitive clients over the years.

Each chapter is also followed by a conversation with a highly sensitive man. In these sections, the men describe what effect their high sensitivity has had on their careers, their sexuality, and their relationships, and how they’ve learned to deal with its downsides and get the most out of their disposition. The book ends with a conversation between Elaine Aron and myself about the key role that highly sensitive men have in the world today.

As a cognitive behavioral psychotherapist, it is, of course, in my nature to ask you to reflect on many questions over the course of this book, rather than just giving you a set of directives to follow. In doing so, I hope to spark off a process in which you begin to deal with your sensitivity in a very personal way. Once you have read this book, my hope is that you will feel more able to accept yourself as a highly sensitive man, exactly as you are, and that you will have learned to better look after yourself in your daily life. It would make me particularly happy if, through reading this book, any lingering feeling of being “not quite right” diminishes and that you learn to like your sensitive side more. Although I am aware of the limits of self-help books, I also believe in the power of books, which often leave behind subtle but far-reaching traces in us.

PART 1

The Phenomenon of High Sensitivity

CHAPTER 1

A Turning Point in Masculinity: The Importance of Highly Sensitive Men in Society

HAS THE TIME COME FOR male emancipation? And if so, then what would that emancipation look like? While feminism is experiencing its “fourth wave,” men seem to be having a much harder time dealing with themselves and their place in society. And yet anyone who follows current trends in the media will have noticed that questions around male identity and role models and men’s psychological well-being have been an increasingly common topic of discussion over the last few years. You only have to open a magazine or newspaper, turn on your TV, or open your browser to discover an ever-growing interest in stories about being a father, being a man, or how to balance a career with a family. Many of these articles have started talking about an apparent “crisis of masculinity.”

The headlines for these articles attempt to address male identity, but often fall into the trap of sounding ironic and sometimes even sarcastic and critical: “Men in Crisis: Time to Pull Yourselves Together,”1 “The Weaker Sex,”2 “Crisis in Masculinity: Who is the Stronger Sex?”3 and “Search for Identity: Super-Dads or Vain Peacocks”4 are just a few examples. They all seem to agree to some extent that there is a crisis. But reading these articles, one gets the impression that no one really knows how to even start dealing with the problem, let alone what a solution to it might look like. One also gets the impression from these articles that we need to keep any genuine sympathy for these “poor men” in check: the patriarchy is still just too dominant to allow ourselves that luxury.